Rant of a Disgruntled Hospitality Employee

**Keep Calm and Kill Them in Your Mind... and Repeat.**

8 Simple words on repeat as I smile sweetly and thank the customer and tell them "See you next time!", all the while, in my mind I'm finger painting with their blood as their dead eyes stare blankly at the "Sorry we don't split bills" sign.

Working in the hospitality industry has taught me a great many things. First and foremost is that most people are in fact, cunts. Those of you offended by my use of the word ‘cunt’, I’d apologise, but unfortunately, I care little for what you cunts find offensive, but please enjoy this cup of concrete (on the house) and harden the fuck up.

Perhaps I am too harsh, but sadly, you or someone you know, has played a part in turning the “free smile with every order” into a twisted pantomime of how the next asshole customer is going to meet their violent end.

For the last 20 years, I have worked in venues both big and small and everything in between. I've worked as your basic shit kicker bussy, all the way to being the manager of all the shit kickers. I've found that it doesn't matter if you're in a fine dining restaurant, a dingey night club or a cute semi-rural cafe, there will undoubtedly always be some delightful human, (blissfully unaware that my "keep calm" mantra is showing signs of fatigue), that chooses to complain.

Somewhere along the line, some CEO or upper management moron decided to coin the phrase "The customer is ALWAYS right" and consumers have developed a misguided sense of entitlement knowing if they have a big enough tantrum, they will get what they want. Not becuase they are right, because its easier to give them their freebie so they leave and with luck, aren't a keyboard warrior with a history of dramatically inflating their imagined dining related injustices on Google Reviews.

I am grossly aware that I am generalising and I would like to thank those of you out there who are infact, delightful customers. If you'd like to keep your Gold Level rating, below are a few points so as to NOT incur the wrath of your wait staff...

1. For some reason, some people develop the notion that the basic manners we are taught as children are no not required once a certain age is reached. They would be wrong. Please and Thank you are always required.

2. Upon entering an establishment, it is common courtesy to acknowledge the staff member greeting you- don't continue the conversation you’re having on your phone and either continue to ignore the staff or motion for staff to wait in suspended animation until you are ready. Either ask your phone buddy to wait while you order or finish your conversation outside before you make the world stop for you.

3. When the staff member is confident that they and the line of customers behind you have waited sufficently, don't get huffy and impatient when you now have to wait an extra minute or two to order while the customer who wasnt on their phone is served.

4. “Please Wait to Be Seated”. Most venues with this sign at the front door have it there for a reason. Don't ignore it, seat yourself and then become agitated and aggressive when you don’t have a menu and in fact the staff probably haven't realised you've taken it upon yourself to be seated and havent been taken care of.

5. Clicking your fingers, whistling or tapping the counter or table to get our attention is going to present you with a staff member who really wants to break your clicky fingers while saying "I'm not your pet dog." Most of the time, making eye contact or a polite wave will get you noticed.

6. Chewing gum is fine, but taking it out of your mouth and dropping it in an ashtray or coffee cup means someone now has to pry that sticky chewed ball from what ever surface you've decided to stick it to and I shouldnt have to list the reasons sticking it to the underside of the table or the chair you're sitting on isn't the prefered method of disposal.

7. Please do not use the coffee cup you just drained of coffee as an ashtray- especially if there is an ashtray next to the aforementioned coffee cup. If there isn’t an ashtray in sight, ask for one, they probably have a few spare.

8. It is a common misconception that stacking your plates is helpful. It’s not, we have a system to carry plates and your “helpfulness” just makes our job harder- oh and, we carry the plates on a daily basis- we know they are heavy. ;)

9. On days such as Mother’s/Father’s Day, Christmas, Easter and any other public holiday do not walk into a venue without a booking and look shocked and disappointed when we cannot accommodate you and your 19 friends. In fact, do not walk in on any day/night with more than 3 other people without a booking and expect us to have a table for you.

10. Restaurants are not “fast food”. If you want a quick meal, McDonald’s is probably your best bet.

11. To cook a well done steak on a char grill is not a quick process- depending on the thickness it can take up to 35mins. Do not inform the staff member you can cook one at home in 10 when after 15 minutes your meal hasn’t arrive. Woolworths sell bulk packs of minute steaks- Go home and cook.

12. If something with your meal isn’t right please tell us at the time. Once you have finished your meal and are paying the bill, there isn’t much we can do about it.

13. Despite what mother dearest has told you, nobody is perfect- not even you. Mistakes do happen. If your waiter makes a mistake with your order, it probably wasnt done on purpose and all measures will be taken to quickly rectify the issue. Depending on the issue, you might get a free drink or meal out of it. If you act all high and mighty as if you have never made a mistake in your life, the level of empathy for your plight will diminish and you'll be offered less to make up for it.

14. We understand that kids make a mess cause they have yet to master the art of being a human. Would you walk away from your kitchen table after dinner with your young family and leave the discarded, half chewed, soggy bits of food your precious little "ProHeart" dropped/threw on the floor/chairs/table? No? We don't expect you to scrub the place clean, but have a little respect for yourselves, the customers around you and heaven forbid, the staff and grab a napkin and tidy up a bit.

15. While on the topic of children, visiting a venue with your kids, does not enable you to relinquish your parental duties and forget you have a responsibility to ensure your child isnt in the restrooms dispensing a litre of liquid soap or playing a game of salt and pepper cocktail while you and your besties bitch about the botox your ex's new wife got over your 2nd bottle of chardy.

16. You go out to have a good night and you have been throwing back the drinks and now you're shitfaced, cant talk without slurring and you have been cut off from the bar. Don’t try to argue with the staff about it. We don’t cut you off to ruin your night, we do it to keep our jobs and liquor license- inarticulately debating why you should have another drink isn’t actually going to make us change our minds.

17. When “Last Drinks” has been called and you decline a beverage at this point, unfortunately, there is no refund on a change of mind. Last drinks means last drinks- you have, depending on the venue, short window of time to purchase that last beverage- not decide “actually, I would like another drink", 20 minutes later.

18. When there is nothing more to clear off your table, you have paid your bill, the music stops, the furniture is packed up, you’re the last patrons in the venue and the staff aren’t cleaning anymore, that is your respectful cue to LEAVE.

19. In Australia, tipping is optional but if you lay it on thick saying how perfect we made your night, we appreciate it, but we also appreciate tips. On that note, we appreciate tips, but don’t make a grand over the top gesture like you are paying off our HECS debt when you leave the change from $50 when your bill came to $49.90.

20. It might make you feel like you've won the upper hand when you threaten the staff and management that you wont be back after essentially, making their lives hell for the time of your visit, but you would be mistaken. The staff do not mourn the loss of your patronage. In fact, one would be more likely to find staff rejoicing with high fives and a sense of relief that if you stick to your word, they will never have to deal with your shit again.

I could go on but I will let the preceeding information sink in but in closing, I will leave you with one last thing:

If you are one of the few people who actually can go out without incident and wait to be seated, thank you- your good manners and patience and is duly noted, but do not then be that person that takes it upon themselves to move tables because you are not happy with the table you have been seated at. There was probably a reason you were given the first table.

Would you ask the maître d' at Nobu if you could sit closer to the window? No probably not cause you wouldn’t even get through the door because you showed up without making a booking didn't you?