Quitting the Pain of You

I resign from being your victim

To: My abuser

From: Me

Dear You,

‘You’, whose name I still can’t say, because every time it leaves my lips, I shiver. And everywhere I see your name, I hope that it won’t take me back to how you used me and took advantage of me for your pleasure.

With careful consideration, founded by the EMDR light zigzagging between right and wrong on my therapist’s couch, I ironically had to go back to learning my times tables, like a child. 2 times 2 equals 4. Why did it feel so powerless? 3 times 4 equals 12. Where in your body do you feel the fear?

If anything, being banished to this infantile position feels like it slowly drains out everything good in me, because you intruded me and filled me up with all your evil. And if there is one lesson I learnt from what happened, it’s that I need to listen to my inner voice, that was so deeply stunned and suppressed while you were using me.

How not only did I have to change my literal routes to avoid bumping into your path, I also had to rewire my thinking pathways to avoid bumping into my deepest shame. I still panic, thinking about what you did. But it was you who did it.

With that in mind, I would like to add that due to the severity of my fears, I was unable to go outside, with everything around me bringing me back, in some way, to you. All roads lead to Rome, all roads lead to you.

Something as simple as a friendly interaction, would somehow always lead back to you. 6 times 7 equals… how much is that again? 41? No, 42. What makes you feel most ashamed?

In stepping away from this role you forced on me, I will not only let go of the diminished version of myself who went through fire for you, but I will also let go of my fears. I am leaving them behind, so I can move on, and find myself in a place where I am respected, and my body is sacred instead of fun.

I hereby send you my resignation, as I no longer want to be in any way associated with you. Not as your victim, not as your previous friend, but more specifically, I don’t want to be reminded of the two years (and counting) of pain I endure because of you.

I had to tell my parents about what you did, and had to see my mom’s anger. As a tip for your future endeavours, please pay attention and watch your back, because who knows? My mother might come for you, eye for an eye, after all these years. She is a fierce woman who taught me the powerful tool of saying no. But that whole lesson was wiped away, because the environment you provided was suffocating any chance of a spoken no.

Instead, I dove into books, movies and exposing myself to dangerous situations, grasping to understand; trying to get a sense of power back.

A sense of power that was taken and will not be back.

I wish I had one positive thing to say, something I learned, something I will miss. But the only thing I will miss is who I was before I turned into my worst nightmare by living in the nightmares you gave me.

I would also like to add that I since then, I’ve been offered a different position, with someone who treasures me. However, instead of that being a wonderful new start, a meeting of souls and a connecting and togetherness, I regret to say that I feel double booked. I am so busy with my new position, that I don’t want to spend time thinking about you.

Besides that, I don’t think my value as an employee can be solely monetary anymore. I will no longer be under your hot and cold surveillance, where I had to feel like my worth was something I had to prove.

I don’t wish you well in the future.

I don’t want to know about how you will thrive.

I don’t want to see how not even a bone in your body grasps the idea that what you did could have been wrong.

Because this was all your benefit. You got what you wanted.

My body, your lust.

My voice, your power.

I officially let myself go from what you did to me. I never want to have to feel my stomach drop every time I see someone with the same physique as you, or hear someone with the same accent.

Instead, I will move through life, never having been taken for granted, and used for my kindness and submissiveness.

If there was a word the utmost opposite of “thank you”, I would happily say that.

Please don’t reach out and push deeper into the wound that is barely healing.

I wish the people in your life may never see this part of you, and if they do, I hope they make you feel as miserable as I felt.

Thank you for two years I will never get forget.

Sincerely bitter,

Maja