Parting Ways

Parting ways is never easy -

I never know what to say,

How to explain

The absence I long to feel.

Poetry helps the words

Flow from my mind

Into the universe...

So I decided

To write my thoughts down.

For the past year, I have stayed devoted to you because I respected you, because you respected me. Or, I thought you did - maybe in the beginning it was true, before you knew the real me.

I stood by you through things I would have left other people for. I looked blindly away when you tried to control me, demanded that I form relationships that were essential to you, but meant nothing to me. I was your own little asset.

I chose to stay loyal to you because you appeared to be loyal to me. Now I think it was just a facade on your part.

I remained onboard through times where I couldn’t afford to eat, times where I couldn’t feed my two children. You knew I was a single mother, I made it no secret. I tried to form a personal relationship with you, tried to be a human, tried my best for you, for me.

Then, I heard the first time you said the mistake out loud, and I thought, maybe she just didn’t want to say the whole thing out loud? Maybe she was estimating.

Then you said it again, nonchalantly - and that was when I decided it was time for me to move on.

You elected to make a new agreement with me, but you didn’t inform me. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal but I can’t be bothered to contact the proper resources to make it worthwhile.

So here’s, instead, what I’m doing:

I am leaving the industry. If all hair salons are like this, then I don’t want any part of it. I’m going back to food service.

I think if you drew from your tarot deck you would see the shining truth, but maybe you already know?

So, this is where I bid goodbye.

Goodbye to the hour long journey each way. Two buses, two trains a day.

Goodbye to the sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach before I come to work.

Goodbye to needing to distract myself with constant song steaming.

Goodbye to the sinking feeling and the trouble swallowing when I walk into the door, ill-prepared to acknowledge the women inside.

Goodbye to the chaos, the lack of structure, the lack of decency - goodbye to the constant complaints that you are in debt from electing to take a PPP loan out for YOUR business. The loan that is supposed to be used to cover the payroll and rent... But we both know that you’re not using it for that.

Goodbye to all the little things that you say that add up. Things I no longer have to keep a silent mental note of, subconsciously. I’m letting it all go.

Goodbye to the random passive aggressive texts you actually mean to direct at me but are unable to send to me alone, for whatever reason.

Goodbye to you, Sarah.

Goodbye Chelsea Parker.

Goodbye Bea.

Goodbye Claudia.

Goodbye Ryan.

To Angie: I will miss you, truly. You were cool.

Now, let me explain how my mind has decided to explore this scene:

I considered blocking off my books for the period after next week, then posting this on Instagram (where my boss follows me) as a way to give her the same amount of notice as when she took everyone down to a 40% commission without notifying us. I imagined that she would log on and see a beautiful photo and then read the caption, that sinking feeling growing as the realization dawns on her. I wonder if she would comment on the post, send me a message, call me, or just block me. I went through the same array of possible ways to react when she mentioned for the second time that she has us at forty percent.

The adult in me, yes I’m thirty, tells me to finish out my work for the next week, and tell her at the end of the week... I’m going to be leaving the industry for a variety of reasons, here are a few. (Then I’d mention a few of the things, calmly, but not leave room for her to keep me at the salon).

I actually got the job invite yesterday evening - and I am so excited to begin training for the new place. I do feel a bit of self-righteous disappointment that I won’t be in a salon anymore, doing hair. I love doing hair, I truly do. I just can’t deal with the things that come with it. The hair industry is losing a stylist with a lot of potential because of the things that unfolded at CP.

Have you ever had a relationship where you saw the red flags but overlooked them because it worked to your benefit to stay on, comfortable with how things were going? I’d love to hear some stories from you guys about crazy relationships that you have either witnessed first hand or as an outsider.