In Service

“Make sure you choose a fitting dress - nothing white.”

These words echoed in my head for weeks before I had the chance to embody a sultry temptress for the man I dreamed about regularly. His voice, low and smooth, enchanting and firm.

Yet as the day rolled closer, I felt myself switching from a dreamy puddle to an obscure ball of panic. I wasn’t sure what I was more scared of: him, or me.

Suddenly, the sun lifted, the days warmed. April was here. Our first date, but not like any I had ever been on before. I was going to try being a submissive for an experienced man. One who appealed to all of my wildest parts, promising to taste of whiskey, leather, and wonder.

I dressed carefully. Respectfully. I donned a black fitted dress that I knew would be easily taken off as I began my descent into submission. Knowing I’d be taking them off immediately, I opted for my sky high black tie-up heels.

I had a list of instructions that I took the time to memorize:

Knock twice. The door will be open. Enter. Immediately, your shoes come off and are placed on the doormat.

You’ll see a leather couch - this is where you will undress and fold your things neatly into a pile. When you are nude before me, you will rest gently on your heels, kneeling before the couch, with your head bowed. Place your hands upturned, together in your lap.

It felt mechanical to go through the motions of the words I had read thousands of times. It was comforting to know that there wasn’t much to mess up.

Except... I forgot to put on the collar. That was the last item - to fasten the collar he laid out for me, before kneeling!

I jumped up as the redness swept across my skin, warmth accompanying the visual I knew I was presenting. I groaned inwardly, but set to work with the hope that he hadn’t noticed. How foolish of me - I could feel his eyes upon my mistake.

I wanted to beg him not to be upset, I wanted to grovel at his feet. Pride wouldn’t let me and a part of the woman I was when I walked in remained - I knew better.

I clumsily attached the buckle in the back to the other side of the collar, snug but not overwhelming. I noticed sweat dripping from my body as I got back into the required position, “Tower.”

A low chuckle came from somewhere in another nearby room. I hadn’t glanced around before kneeling, but it felt open and airy.

Footsteps, firm but not heavy; the rustle of his pants as he walked. Not too fast, not too slow. He was confident in his pace.

An electric charge.

My heart caught in my throat, my next breath held captive somewhere deep within. I kept my eyes respectfully lowered to the wooden floor beneath me, though everything in me wanted to look up and drink his length in.

He took an eternity to reach me, but when he placed his hand upon my left shoulder I could have wept with relief. His voice was indelible as he said things to make me feel welcome. He complimented my confirmation, my presence, thanked me for coming.

I was shaking as he clicked his tongue twice. I got up off of my heels and stood on my knees and hands, ready to walk in all fours at his right side. He clicked his tongue twice again, and I began to keep his pace - which seemed much quicker this time! Almost trotting next to him, I lost the desire to remain aesthetically pleasing and just began to experience the moment for what it was: new, basic, humble.

He stopped, and I fumbled before stopping just a moment too late. I inched back to him in reverse, and sat back while I waited for his next command. Another mistake! I should have waited for his command to sit back on my haunches before just doing it!

A quick rap sat me back to where I should have been, just standing on hands and knees.

“Up.”

Oh, shit. I didn’t know what that meant! I decided to wing it. I stood, first raising my hands off the floor. I paused momentarily at a full kneel, before moving upward to stand.

I was rewarded with another low chuckle and a, “Good girl.”

“Now, pour me a glass of Merlot.”

I lifted my eyes just enough from the cherrywood beneath me to see the kitchen counter, my eyes falling upon several bottles of alcohol. I scanned them until I found the bottle he requested, and set to work with opening it.

It was here that I felt my body and breathing begin to relax. As each moment passed, I became more and more comfortable with my existence here. I became proud of myself for agreeing to meet him, happy that the universe had led me to this day. This was something I could do again - a role I could see myself fulfilling.

By the end of our first date, I understood some new things about myself and about what I wanted to experience more of. I knew that what had satisfied me before would never be what I sought out again, but I also had an inkling to keep my heart safe.

I didn’t yet understand that I would come back to this experience time and time again to draw from it as though it were a never-ending well.