One last time

When I think of the night you died, it still doesn’t seem real to me.

You were so young, healthy, and full of life. I remember how adventurous you were.

I remember when you took your motorbike around the Cabot trail when you and mom drove to Texas in the fancy car that she bought while you were getting a haircut.😂 I imagine you thought twice about going out and buying a truck while she was getting her hair done after that!

I remember Mom calling me at work from somewhere in the US. You were both sitting on a bench in a park together in between loads. Mom was trying to talk to me and kept getting distracted by the ducks that wouldn’t leave her alone. I remember her getting frustrated and saying “ I’m sorry Michelle, these damn ducks are all around me!”

I could hear you laughing in the background, that special laugh that no one else had which meant you were up to mischief. 😉 I started laughing too when I heard Mom say “ Ken!!!!! This was right after she realized you were feeding the ducks and throwing the food close to her!😂

I remember you and Mom dancing as chaperones, I would watch you guys and tell my friends, “ That’s the kind of love and passion I want if I get married. “

Your relationship with Mom was turbulent, passionate, strong, and built on a foundation of love. ( I could have done without having my room underneath yours but that’s a different story).😂

You often didn’t see things the same way but as the years went by, you both accepted each other exactly as you were. What a gift after everything you both went through.

I laugh when I remember how you and Mom would get home from driving the truck and Mom would tell us every highway you were on, how she used to have to do all the driving because “ your father” gets tired suspiciously in snowstorms.😂 You would then argue with her about the highways you were on, say you had to do all the hard-driving because she slept through all the storms!😂

I often wondered if you were both on the same trip!

Dad, I don’t know how you did it, but when I think back to the story of how you met, it amazes me. You were 19, Mom was 22 with two kids. You got your boss to call her and ask her out for you because you were too scared. 😂

How did you manage to never treat Lisa and me like we were anything but your children? We felt loved by you as if we were blood-related and that never changed.

You taught us how to take care of ourselves, you protected us, you were interested in our lives and most of all, you were there when we needed you.

I was so proud to introduce my Dad, well except the times you would shave off your beard and end up looking like my date!! My friends all had crushes on you and how could they not? You were just yourself, handsome and treated them like family too.

How did you survive with all of us? You were the quiet one out of us “yahoos “ and wasn’t used to displays of affection physical or verbal?

We are all so loud and our hearts are on our sleeve, I don’t know how you put up with us!!❤️

I saw you change over the years and I can’t tell you how much my heart was bursting when you would tell me you “loved me too “ and started to hug me when I came home or left.

You trusted me even after the “ gravol” incident. You protected me in my first marriage and spoke out for me when I couldn’t speak for myself. I should have listened to you for both, you were so direct and honest and always had my best interests at heart.

A lot has happened since then and I hope you would be proud of me now. I’m finally starting to find myself. Every time I drive my car, every time I go to work, every time I get tired and don’t want to go to work, I think of you. You were the hardest working man I have ever known and you believed in all of us.

You would be so proud of Lisa, Kim, Kenny, Becky, Christopher, Jeremy, Amanda, and Samantha.

When you died, it left a hole in our hearts so big because we loved you so much.

You are still the love of Mom’s life. I’m sad because she is alone but I don’t think she can see ever having a relationship like she had with you. She loved you so much, Dad.

It killed her that she got out of the truck 6 months before you died because she just couldn’t do it anymore.

That night, that awful night when you died and were alone haunts all of us. The anguish I felt knowing you were found by a state trooper two days later who didn’t know who you were is something that crushes my soul. Did you know it was happening, Dad? Were you in pain? Were you scared? Did you know how much your family loved you?

Those are questions I will never have answers to. I don’t understand why you died so young, I was angry for a long time that I couldn’t grieve for you properly because of my situation. I was angry that my boys had such a short time with you. I was angry because you were taken from us so soon.

I can talk about you now, most of the time without crying. I want to because I want everyone to know how great my Dad was.

The biggest grief for all of us is because you were alone when you died and that cannot be undone.

I hope you know how special, funny, and loved you were Dad. At the funeral, we packed Dad. Kim sang “Amazing Grace “for you, it was beautiful. Kenny put an Allen key and a cigarette in your pocket because he wanted you to have familiar things.

Did you know that your former coworkers at the mechanic shop came to the funeral? They got us, girls, together because they wanted to meet “Ken’s girls “ that you always talked about so much. They hadn’t seen you in 25 years but remembered Kenny well because you took him to work. They made a special point to meet the girls you were so proud of. I will never forget that.❤️

I can’t change anything that has happened. My greatest wish is that you know we loved you.

My second greatest wish is that we could have told you one last time.❤️