ON A DARK DESERT HIGHWAY

ON A DARK DESERT HIGHWAY.

For many years I lived for other people, I never did things for myself. I did it to please others. I am what you call a people pleaser. It is not fun being a people pleaser. You start resenting people you originally liked and accepted in your life. They suddenly become people you don’t want to see or talk to anymore. Anxiety and depression became my Goliaths. After the birth of my darling daughter. Medication didn’t work, and counseling felt like an everlasting cycle. I felt as if I was repeating myself. I was trying to explain to a total stranger what was happening in my head when I had no clue what was happening.

One time, I pulled a desperate stunt and poured my heart out on social media. Thinking I will find someone to whom I can relate. Do you know what I got? The people I pleased for half of my life told me that I must be more positive and that I should stop watching horror movies. They said that I invited the evil and negative forces in my head. What they don’t know is that my past made me cry and my future terrified me and horror movies just happened to be the one thing that made me smile. I felt like my life was worse than any Michael Myers movie. The negativity was already painted on the hallways of my mind.

Nevertheless, after reading those comments I felt even more depressed. I thought maybe they were right!

“I am a terrible person. I shouldn’t be around anyone I truly love because I will poison them with my darkness, fear, and NEGATIVITY!”

I trained myself to be by myself. I pushed away my friends and started making acquaintances rather than building strong relationships. I purposely hung out with people who didn’t care too much about me, I don’t know how to explain this. My true friends will tell me how good I am and how strong, spiritual, and smart I am, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t believe them.

It was just easier to conversate and associate with people who didn’t know my past. A new slate I called it. Sometimes I got upset when these individuals misunderstood me, (which is not their fault and understandable; they didn’t really know me.) They mistook me to be childish, or even stupid. I hated myself so much that I eventually agreed with them.

I grew sick of hating myself, so I tried manifestation. I was in deep depression when I decided to start manifesting. But the voice in my head (Maggie) had to put her 2 cents in; yes, I named her.

Me: I am worthy!

Maggie: Yeah right!

Me: I will find my king!

Maggie: He’s lost somewhere or saw me and ran the other way.

Me: I will get this job!

Maggie: Sure, I will, and I might leave two weeks in.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think Maggie broke manifestation. I didn’t do it right.

Then my friend told me,

“Nyka you must believe what you are saying. BELIEVE!”

I don’t believe what I am saying. Basically, you want me to lie to myself. Okay, sure I can do that. Let’s try again.

Me: I am worthy

Maggie: Are we going to do this again?

Me: Ah screw this!

Please do not take this the wrong way, I do believe in manifestation at some point in your healing process, I just don’t think it works when you are neck-deep in depression and anxiety.

I think there are a few steps you must go through before manifestation. Maybe I am wrong, I can only speak from my experience.

So, what are these steps? I call it the Detox Process.

Over the years I gathered hate towards myself. My enemies had nicer things to say about me. I lost my faith and so when it was time for me to manifest anything, it didn’t work. I did not believe.

Therefore, I invented the Detox Journal to help me overcome my hatred against myself. Once I passed the detox stage, I was able to manifest, and I believed what I was manifesting. Did I overcome my depression by writing in a journal? No! However, it eased the pain, and I had material to tell my therapist, I figured out the root of my hatred against myself by writing it all out and it taught me to appreciate the good things I have within me. It was easier to voice when the man in the white coat asked me.

So Nyka, what is going on?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am no expert, but I know this works because I’ve lived it, and this tool is still useful to me today. I present to you The Detox Journal.

If you want your own copy of The Detox Journal, let me know I will send you the link to my store on May 1st, 2023. [email protected]