My Anxiety

Before I really break down everything, I just wanted to say.

I never really understood why or how someone who is cheated on would stay or get back together with the person who cheated. I always said, they must have something wrong with them if they are willing to accept that person doing that and forgiving them.

I have since learned that it is not that something is wrong with them, its because they have strong feelings for that person, the love they feel is overwhelming and they can not control it.

The idea of someone else being with the love of my life is a horrible feeling, also knowing that she actually loves him is something that has triggered a form of anxiety in me that I never thought I would ever experience.

This guy, let's call him John, is a complete scumbag, just honestly using my significant other to get stuff through manipulation. Using sympathy and guilt to get what he wants. It sickens me to my core because I know she sees it but can't walk away because of the feelings she has for him because of past transgressions I had done (I will write up something about that in a future thing).

Now, they are just "friends", meaning she is to him but he is not for sure. But for those of you who have suffered from Anxiety know that even if you trust a person 100% you will suddenly get slapped in the face with an overwhelming feeling of distrust and paranoia. You could have panic attacks, have trouble even functioning. I would never wish it on anyone, even the people I truly hate because it can lead to serious mental issues which could lead to suicide.

The doubting is what gets to me, my mind makes up these scenarios where they are not just friends and they are messing around behind my back, obviously this triggers anger and a deep depression, which I mentioned before can be dangerous.

I have recently started a journal to write down everything I am feeling during my attacks... So far it is actually working well. I don't believe it would work for everyone, I didn't think it would work, writing down everything that I could really see and read it. I found it to be a good release. Even thought about burning that page when I was done to completely let those negative thoughts go.

I am just beginning this journey into and out of anxiety but I want to continue this as a series so people can read it and see my triumphs and my failures during my experiences.

Till next time, stay safe and if you or anyone you know is dealing with anxiety, research your options, find someone to talk to. It may be scary at first but it will be a relief in the end.