Motherhood After Loss

If you’d asked me 10 years ago how many children I thought I’d have I would of told you zero. At that point in life I was almost convinced I couldn’t have children. It wouldn’t be long and I’d be proven wrong. February 2016 my now husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first daughter. Due to my medical history I was terrified. Pregnancy went well and baby girl was happy and healthy. We had a few road bumps with her gaining weight but we overcame that obstacle! My husband and I thought it would be several years before we had another child if we ever had another child and then in June of 2018 we were once again surprised! We were pregnant with a baby boy. January 21, 2019 we welcomed our son. He had the most beautiful blond curls! He was always so happy and such a sweet boy. If you’d asked my husband and I we would of said we were done having kids. We had a beautiful girl and boy. What more did we need.

October 29, 2020 our world was flipped upside down. I went to wake our son from his nap as he was sleeping a little longer than normal and a parent’s worst nightmare became our reality. Our son wasn’t breathing. I immediately pulled him from his crib, laid him flat on his back, dialed 911 and began CPR. We lived about a mile, maybe less from the hospital so the ambulance got there very quickly. They tried to get him back but quickly realized they needed to get him to the hospital. At 4pm on October 29, 2020 our 21 month old son was pronounced dead in Winona, MN at the local hospital. We would receive a phone call the next day that the preliminary autopsy showed no reason for this happening. Months later we’d get the final results that there was no reason behind him not waking up. This is called Sudden Unexpected Death of a Child or SUDC.

The few months after our sons death is all a blur. Some days it still feels like the world is moving on but I’m stuck. Of course comments were made, “you’re still young you can always have another baby,” “God must have needed him more in heaven.” While I whole heartedly believe God has a reason and purpose for taking our sweet boy so soon, that’s not something a parent whose recently lost their child wants to hear. For at least a year I was set that I would not have any more children. I just couldn’t fathom it. I knew another child could never replace our sweet boy.

Eventually my husband and I started having conversations in early 2023 about the possibility of having another child. We made the decision to start trying again in the spring. Surprisingly it didn’t take long for us to get pregnant. In August of 2023 we found out we’d be welcoming another baby in April of 2024.

That baby is now happy and healthy at the age of 21 months. I'm terrified daily because she is now the same age her brother was when we lost him. But I know our life is in God's hands. He has a plan for us. While we've suffered a great loss, we've also gained a great love. We will see our sweet boy again one day. Until that day comes we will spend our time on earth loving our girls and trying to be the best parents we can be. Motherhood after loss has not been easy but it is always worth it.