Memories: 9 July 2025

9 July 2025

7:44 am. Cold grey morning…but up and at ‘em. I had a dream of my psychiatrist (who recently had surgery so I have been worrying about him). He was at a health resort with a large swimming pool. I had my debrief with him there. (Which would never happen in real Life!)

I had a cute little dog with me that got away on me and jumped into the pool. There were several men in the pool and they all gasped with horror. Then I got the little dog out but worried about her peeing…so was looking for some grass.

A groundskeeper came and told me off. I apologised but said it was only a little dog and it was not a deliberate act of sabotage. My psych came down to the pool and goodhumouredly covered for me. “You are naughty, Tanya!” I said it wasn’t technically my fault as the dog got off my leash but I would keep her under better control.

The resort was magnificent. It looked a bit like Spain. The pool was Olympic sized. The men all seemed gay. They were all very handsome and athletic.

I was having such a good time swanning around as though I belonged there and wasn’t just there for my debrief. Awwww.

Then I woke up. My lungs really hurt this morning…Like I have been punched in the chest. That will pass by lunchtime. It’s unusual as I don’t get pain like that usually. It’s why I rejected CPAP in 2003 after 9 months of chronic pain in my lungs and diaphragm. So I hope that isn’t going to start up again.

No wonder I am dreaming of holiday resorts!

9 July 2024

I arrived home from my beautiful talented Hairdresser Kylie who always makes me look glamorous… to this wonderful surprise from Sacred Space.

9 July 2023

Today is the second anniversary of Sock’s passing. The last of my cats to enter the next dimension. A lot has changed in two years. The world is slowly waking up from the Covid insanity. But we are still on a roller coaster ride to Devolution.

So garnering the Love energy wherever it manifests and in whatever forms it comes to us is key to staying sane in this topsy turvy world.

Hold your Beloveds precious. They will bring joy and comfort in dark times. Celebrate life. Hold true. Be you.

9 July 2021

Sally has spoken to the vet. Socks will be euthanised today. He is too end stage with the diabetes to be treated with much hope of success.

I will have to gird my loins with strength and let this day wash over me as all other horribly sad days have.

He has been a fine upstanding man-cat and a comfort to me for many years.

I know he is returning to even more Love than I was ever capable of giving him. The Ein Sof Aur. Pretty words but the transitioning is the hardest part.

…

I had a call from the RSPCA inspector who apologised to me about the event last night and assured me that should something go wrong with Mt Gravatt vet’s ability to euthanise Socks today that I could call him personally to arrange a euthanisation. A basic kindness. Thanks for that. 😕

I reiterated that it was intensely triggering, disrespectful and downright sadistic how that conversation turned last night. He said he had seen the job sheet and agreed it should have been handled better.

So that is the end of the matter. I am confident that Mt Gravatt will arrange the final appointment with me sometime today.

The Inspector said he does not understand the histrionic Covid attitudes. All I need is to wear a mask and be with my cat. I concurred.

We are living in dangerous zombie apocalyptic times in an actual pandemic which means the seeping everyday sadism and oozing evil is spreading worse than Covid. Nothing like a crisis to bring out the cruelties in people. However it is/was unacceptable.

I will never comprehend humanity’s micro-aggressions in a time of grief or crisis. It’s like a frenzied blood-letting. However I am holding onto Love and the few rare and precious Truly Good people in my life and out in the world.

Update: Sally just called and our Socks will be taken in at 5:15 pm to be euthanised. Her daughter will be there with him. I am not allowed due to my current illness. Which is deeply distressing as I wanted to be there with him for his passage into the Light.

But he will be cremated and his ashes returned to me. I will put him under the rose tree or perhaps his favourite jade tree where he spent many a happy sunny afternoon each summer.

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18. Rabban Shimon ben Gamaliel said: On three things the world is sustained: on truth, on judgment, and on peace, as it says (Zechariah 8:16): "Speak the truth to one another, render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace."

Blessed be the Holy One the true Judge. Please keep Socks and all my other Beloved pets safe in your eternal holy realm. Not long to go now.

We are having lots of cuddles, with lots of purring “singing”. We are grateful for the Love and devotion.

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9 July 2020

My biological grandfather (or so he told my mother when she was 16). I am trying to figure out who my Angel protector is? Maybe it’s him...maybe it’s something vastly more Holy and powerful. Maybe it’s all Bollocks. Time will tell, I guess.

I have what looks like his waddle! Possibly his cheekbones too! He’s got beady eyes. A very very powerful Witch. My mother’s half brother was terrified of his own father as he stopped a Nazi cavalcade with his mind. Hmmm.

I wish I had a fraction of his powers.

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Trigger warning: elitism, religious/spiritual abuse, treachery, false friends/lovers/family. The Dybbuk never rests.

From my diaries:

4 December 2001

I went to the meeting at Shul to ratify the constitution. We elected Board Members and Gordon nominated me to be an Ordinary Board Member. But I feel upset because the room went quiet and it seemed obvious that Uri was annoyed about it – also Colleen, John and Geraldine looked peeved – so I’ve found out very quickly who my real friends are.

Anyway Margot and Brenda both seconded it so I’m now on the Board.

So I’ll have to remember to act professionally and dress nice and keep my big mouth shut. (except in emergencies or matters of high importance!) so that I do myself and Gordon who nominated me, proud!)

John – President, Colleen- Vice President, John- Secretary, Geraldine – Treasurer and Gordon, Brenda, Margot and I are Ordinary Members.

6 December 2001

I spoke to Rosie about the Board Meeting and how I felt I was a ‘ring-in’ and not really wanted there. She told me its because I wasn’t born jewish. I said “No, Colleen is a convert too. It must be because I’m poor and uneducated in their opinion.” She told me to dress smart, keep silent and it might lead to a job eventually. (I can’t see how but I’m satisfied anyway).

I came across this last night and to be frank I am extruding blood everywhere about the way I was played for a fool, maltreated, condescended to and many times slandered in this community.

Telling me to show up with two bandaids and a cork comes to mind. I owed him money at the time so it left a very bad taste in my mouth.

I forgave him. However I can clearly see they were all playing (to quote my psychiatrist’s observations about the last vicious little meeting) bored rich peoples’ games, using me as a scapegoat as they had no one else with enough courage to show up and participate. I had no comprehension back then what was going on.

I was surprised at their reaction when I was nominated. To my face they had acted so friendly and charitable even making me beautiful amulets, gifting me Food parcels at Purim.

No doubt sneering behind my back at my gratitude for the false treacherous love they threw at me which I grabbed onto like a fucking lifeline as I had nothing and no one else to trust with my mother and Buck’s pernicious abuses, also struggling alone with two children in serious distress even having at that point in time recently moved house and gone into hiding to escape from my abusive mother.

Oh, and those meetings were frequently a misogynistic phalange fest with all three male leaders fighting constantly, domestics between one couple and me rolling my eyes in the corner pretending I was dead as the abuse dynamic just reminded me of my own cesspit dysfunctional family.

It was laughable but tragic.

I maintained my professionalism though. Then that shule folded like a pack of cards. Interesting!

I loved that shule too. It was a lovely vibe for a change (apart from the leadership squabbles). I should have banged all their heads together. But seeing this: they hated me anyway. Sick! All of it.

They ridiculed me about my hair in 2003 so I got Dreads. Best time of my life too. It saw an old lover slither back and saw me slide him just as quickly out of my existence because The Tanya WAS DONE! I am DONE with liars, cheats, conartists, Psychopathic men and other members of that Triad.

2003 saw me being given this home to live in and 2005 saw me get my pension. So walking away from arseholes (which was incredibly hard for me as I had loved and trusted them so much) wrought other blessings in my life.

I will keep walking away, with my head high. I was target practise for them the entire time I have lived in Australia. 32 years of it. The not-so-lucky-CUNTRY for me.

Where can I go to be safe?! Not NZ either which actively endorsed and protected my abusers since my birth.

I guess I should have done a better job of killing myself back on 22 August 2015 but Death is not the answer either. Nay! I have to Woman Up and get on with my Joyous whimsical life and foment my own Safety even if it’s only in my own heart and mind. Leave the rest of the dirty treacherous motherfuckers in the dust. Wither away in their own Faeces. Where they belong!

As for MY Big Mouth...I WILL NOT BE SILENCED ...ever ever again! I did nothing wrong but help form a congregation that brought joy to many until the power play turned it rotten.

As has happened with every shule I have been a member of and several Orthodox ones I have prayed in but not been a member of due to my Reform Convert status. Where I was abused and vilified so greatly I walked away from my Orthodox conversion and that particular shule destroyed my beautiful Orthodox Kabbalist Rabbi’s career so I know more than most what evil resides in this city as that Rabbi was a truly kind, moral and decent man. So they destroyed him.

And when he slipped into dementia some years back and I was informed he was calling my name. (Trauma memories from that time in our lives in 1994) I was willing to fly to Melbourne to comfort him and his wife but my so-called friend stymied that.

Yes...the same friend who had offered to buy me a house back in 2000 rather than let me go to Israel. I thought it was Love. But I know now it was yet another bullshit evil game of power and control and I am grateful I did not take that bullshit carrot!

It would have been yet another disaster. And that woman I had trusted with my life: all my deepest innermost secrets and fears.

So yes that fucking treachery still burns my liver. I can feel the agony right now as I write. So next....??? Who the fuck is NEXT?!

I survived all of them. I don’t even know how. I was actively suicidal in 2000. Hell even that vile dickhead Davidson knew I had nearly died of asthma and changed his tactics with me... for a while...until I got stronger again.

Then he went back into actively humiliating me so then I was advised to report him to the Health rights commission. The result: someone probably bribed them as they suddenly dropped my case and lied to my face there was not enough evidence.

All the evidence I had supplied was not deemed enough....WHAT THE FUCK???! I was too mentally drained and soul-tired to fight any longer. I still loved him too. My abuser:My monster.

So Yes...I was sidelined and vilified and played for a fool AGAIN . But I know the truth. I just had no one to defend or protect me. Not then...not now. Sad but true!

So here I sit in housing commission with an aching liver and fire in my guts and tears in my eyes and I know ONE THING.... I AM NOT AFRAID TO CONTINUE IN THIS LIFE ALONE . EVEN in a sea of people all around me, there was only two I could trust with my life who demonstrated true friendship for me and loyalty.

Now there is only One. C’est la vie.

Whittle away and carve out my own existence...as I am Down the Rabbit hole but not OUT!

….

I am Angry. I was Angry yesterday and I will probably get angry tomorrow. I am angry about people dying of Covid 19 because of a Fuckfest in Melbourne. I am angry about waking up with a headache every morning for a week now.

I am hellishly Angry with one of my friends and my daughter Crystal not accepting my calls and stressing me out with excuses of work, Covid and depression.

I lived through decades of trauma and depression and in all that time I never played fucked up games about communication. If someone called me that I did not ever want to speak to again (like my own vicious mother! I told her to cease calling me). If someone called me that I still loved and wanted in my life but I was too sick or depressed to even speak to anyone (I texted back or left them a message that I would be in touch in a few days).

Covid isolationism is Not an excuse for abuse. If we are all going to die of it then we could try maintaining professionalism with the fucking mobile phone and being KIND AND Respectful. INTEGRITY IS EVERYTHING.

I am sick to my back teeth of being abused or rejected or abandoned because I put in an effort to fucking care. Which you know is ironic as I went through 12 months of healing after my last surgery and the first few weeks in serious crisis and only Lyn and Jarrod visited me in the first week then I had to manage on my own.

I managed. I got up and danced with a still painful wound as I chose LIFE.

But in the past 6 months I have watched my close family slide away like a Dalinesque molten clock on Tanya’s table. Destabilising. Unfair. Cruel. So yes I know the suffering. But I love you and deserve a modicum of respect.

Going through my diaries ...hell even that pervert Davidson always responded to my calls. He too chose other women which nearly killed me (after he actively tried to kill me) but he maintained contact. (Even after his death he hammered on my door.)

So now I have an exhausted Mindfuck about who really ever loved me. Now I can see all the spite and envy that remains like congealed eels. I repeat: Depression is no excuse for rudeness, or bad behaviour.

I have Spoken.

If there is no more love for me... let’s face it I am so used to that arrant BULLSHIT TOO. I will sell my remaining chattels and disappear somewhere. I only remain here because I have no one else but I won’t be treated like a fool or held hostage by abuse. Fuck that shit.

9 July 2019

Today I slept until midday. I had a good day. No dizziness or lightheaded. I still feel a bit weaker physically but I managed a short walk with Beauregard and later managed to clean all the fishpond filters. It took a while but I managed it.

Now back indoors, tired but satisfied with myself.

…

My pathology results (blood test) taken on Monday arvo (day before the surgery) shows Atrial Fibrillation (irregular heartbeat) and Acute Coronary Syndrome. Wtf??? All this time I have been feeling weaker and even more fatigued than ever so I thought it was the gall bladder (which did have 2 large stones in it). It never occurred to me that my heart was struggling too.

I thought my heart pounding so hard was just the usual Adrenalin rush from seeing my (unrequited dickhead) Beloved...or anxiety or overexertion from dancing.

Well it explains why I have been even more “spiritual” than usual and also one unusual incident where I left my body briefly then was pushed back into it. Like seeing a point above my bed and disappearing into it then being just as suddenly pushed back into my body.

I got a fright and ran into the kitchen asking myself if I was dead then laughed at myself. That was last year. I thought it was some weird panic attack or a mini-stroke and shrugged it off and went back to bed. Sometimes denial is a good thing.

I will have to go see my doctor to find out if it warrants any further treatment. So yeah... Mama T needs to make the best of what is left of her life. It seems I am running out of life force. Hmmm.

9 July 2018

3.15 am Not sleeping. Not cool. Impending tooth extraction tomorrow. I dread the real terror of another dry socket and another 4 months of agony.

But I pray it will be okay. Even though I know how my entire nervous system fights any violation of this body. Hmmm.

Please Pray for me all healers, if you have the deep connection.

I cannot endure another long sojourn in the valley of the shadow of death. It’s just too much. (Yet I know I will get through it, again!)

I am Strong, I am resilient, I am indomitable, I am healed. I am sublime. I am fecklessly fickle and ruthlessly manipulated but never stupid or insane, but alas a toothless crone in the making.

Will you still love me when I have lost all my teeth? When I am 64 and 6 foot under? When my girth outweighs my mirth? When my heart beats for no one?

When my feet no longer walk this earth, when stardust implodes in my eyes?

No? No worries mate. I got this!

…

9.31 am awake after 5 hours sleep. (I set alarm for 10 am as dentist is at 11:40am).

Here I go! Sleep deprived but enervated. Crystal and Jarrod coming over in the arvo for our usual Monday family cohesion. I apologise in advance, my darlings. I am gonna be a train wreck. Hilarious!

Feeling much loved and grateful. In spite of my tzores.

Jenny visited me last night and we chatted until 1 am. I have had lots of lovely chats the past few days! Greatly loved by my beautiful brave awesome friends.

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Glorious morning! Sitting outside surrounded by sunshine, warming my back, and my beloveds. The hens, Charlie bird, and Beauregard.

Socks marched home from wherever it is he sleeps at night. Demanded Tribute (cat biscuits!) Beauregard woke me early by staring into my face with such sublime affection. It would be creepy if he weren’t a dog!

He was very loving last night. Made a trophy for his favourite Aunty by scavenging a ball of wool out of my knitting stash. He never fails to surprise his Aunty Jenny.

Mama T was a tad furious as I put the wool out of his reach but he climbed on the couch and dragged one out while we were talking in the kitchen. Clever dog. A genius and a comedian. Thank the dog-gods, he lacks opposable thumbs.

He is currently looking at me as though butter could melt in his mouth. Handsome guy. My precious!

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Curious and curiouser. Magic happens.

Life is like a giant Spirograph. Swirling and twirling in whirling dervishes, never quite losing control even as it swerves off the page. Bliss and Love and Truth and Beauty. Weapons of distraction but just as powerful as any death ray.

The Tanya knows... Psychedelic Dreamer Sighs. What folly! What sublime whimsy.

I am whom I am Becoming. Grateful for my momentary flights of fantasy and “paranoia”.

What is the common denominator or the gentle red thread that brings us all together? This beautiful binding of hearts and minds. This treasure trove of lust.

“Matchmaker match maker make me a match”. 🙂

Awake and aware in the Dream. Why am I Chosen? What is the agenda? She who belongs to no man but G-d/dess.

Go within and see ... She who belongs to no one is always surprised and delighted by those who proclaim to claim her.

Hilarious. My true loves await me. Oh wait... I think I stubbed my toe on one earlier. 🙂

Terina Edwards: You are the love you’ve been waiting for! Who could ever be better than you! Only you know your true self! What man could ever come close. Then once you are your true love you’ll open up like the veritable flower and find the one worthy of sharing your love.

Me: I think this is what is evolving. My blossoming after a long grieving for an unrequited love. A coming home to my own Self who was just pumping all her energy into the Void of the avoidant which was harrowing and sad but was the perfect black mirror because somehow it forced me to look within and interact with my own muse (with amusement and bemusement).

So the greatest suffering became a gift. When you have nothing left to lose and you have died a thousand times on the sacrificial alter of abandonment/rejection/betrayal/humiliation, when the darkest hour is upon you and your body even punishes you, when every breath is a triumph and your hopes and dreams are glistening like dew but melt by the midday heat, when the nights are too cold and lonely but you know you were not meant for this life.

You discover you can emerge with cosmic sword a-blazing and cut through your own bullshit and look with consternation at the artifices of this life and rebuild from ground zero, a million fucking times, then you know Love is the only Law of the universe so you burn baby burn and renew!

Phoenix Rising. New plumage, shake it out, throw it off. My Neshamah needs no raiment for it Shines beyond time and space. Even before the delusions and illusion of human love.

I just need to endure this last stage of my life. Endure and manifest Joy. I am finally getting excited to see what possibilities are impending but I have to yet Trust.

(Meanwhile in the real word... my lovely Indian dentist who is sweet but not overly fond of giving me anaesthesia ie has worked on me without injections is about to pull my tooth out). Well that shall “ground” me into reality.

Insert quasi-hysterical laughter here.

I shall be good, I promise. But I shall not enjoy the experience. Last month she was working on me and she saw me leave my body (disassociation) so gently said “Come back!” I was a tad surprised. I was floating in my zen zone (Byron Bay) but back I came.

All good. Been doing this shit for 53 years. All very good! (Sigh!)

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I have Sheryl Crow song stuck in my head for past few days.

“All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die said the man next me, out of nowhere...And he’s plain ugly to me and I doubt he’s ever had a day of fun in his whole life.”

Nasty judgemental observation. Sometimes the ugliest and most ordinary can become the most exquisite and magical. Kiss the Hag! Kiss the fucking Hag.

Ahh but I have had my fun, hardwon. I am happy in my revelry. I stood up and was counted and faced down my enemies and it was the making of me.

But for now I am tired and am sitting in the sun. Must dash...toothy business to deal with.

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Home safe. Had to take a pain killer already. (Anaesthetic already worn off!). Fuck it. Cuddling on my couch with my Beau :-)

…

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“Was ist Los mit Ihnen?”

“Alles dass nicht Fest ist!”

Ach Du Lieber Gott.

Blödsinn.

Na ja.

It was a family joke with my mother.

What’s wrong with you?

(Literally: what is Loose with you?)

Answer: everything that is not tied down.

I threw in “Blödsinn”nonsense .

Anyway tooth is out. 3 roots fused together. (My mother took one Thalidomide during her pregnancy so not sure if that has made me so fucking “special” or if it’s genetics. Lmao.

Heading home to try to avoid the dry socket.

PS my dentist is wonderful so I gave her a hug and told her I hoped to not see her for another year.

Oh and she would not let me keep it 😞 But I still have the last tooth for my Voudou collection (want to hang it on my charm necklace. Haha.)

Crazy macabre Bitch, me but Mana is Mana!

…

I have an entire Support team: Music, Art, literature, dancing, chocolate, movies, beautiful soulful friends, my pets, my daughter, and an actual psychiatrist. Very very grateful lucky woman here.

9 July 2017

Just finished watching The Handmaid's Tale. Just Wow. Inspiring. Thought provoking and disturbing all at the same time.

9 July 2016

One month free of all psych meds. It took 1 month to wean off them. So it was a scary detox. But today I feel for the first time like I might be able to thrive without them. Baby steps. I have a script of Valium for epic panic attacks. So that is my security blanket if need be.

Just for today I am happy. Not hypomanic-happy like I was on Monday (poor Jarrod had to put up with my high then falling asleep with utter exhaustion). Being an end-stage Complex PTSD patient is not for sissies.

So I am really really blessed and grateful for my strong stoic friends who are there with me when I am not my usual Self. It must be quite scary and confronting at times. I am grateful for the indomitable will and love of my friends and Spirit whom never give up on me.

I plan to go dancing tonight again. I had a lovely time last night. I felt supported and loved. This was reinforced by one of my women acquaintances who told me she never forgets how I protected her from a would-be rapist at Irish Murphies when she was really drunk one night.

I told her, "Well it is just how I roll". I would like to think people might have protected me when I was vulnerable too, but that was not the case. But I am not the sort of woman to stand by idly and allow another woman /man/child/animal to be abused right in front of my face without taking action to intervene.

People often think I am crazy for it. My own mother Gisela used to say to me: "Why you? Why do you have to put your own head on the chopping block? Why do you have to go where angels fear to tread?" She said it in a sneering denigrating way.

I said "Because if I don't stand up and be counted and fight for myself and others, then who the hell will?" Certainly not my own mother, father etc who literally and figuratively never once protected me, unless they were shamed into doing so.

Like when I was placed in the health camp at 7. Or a failure to thrive infant with severe reflux that required hospitalisation. Or you know, the other stuff that I have had to overcome.

Maybe I do have a martyr/warrior complex. Maybe I am crazy. But what I discovered last night (and must try to hold onto in dark times when I doubt my self-worth or right to a nice life) is how much I am loved and valued by the few rare souls who Know what I did for them and what I do for others, even if they (or I) don't even realise it at the time.

A big part of the spiritual life is being authentic, courageous and truthful ie having integrity even if the debilitating cost might be your own health and safety. It is very often a double-edged sword but I can take my wounds, my broken dreams, my grief and I can swaddle them like the dead baby of unfulfilled potential and put them to bed so I can reap the menschlichkeit, personal satisfaction and unconditional love that the universe bestows upon me as my reward.

Being strong kind loving has its own rewards. I just did not always get to see it until it was too late. But I am starting to see that my life has meaning and order after all. Even though it runs backwards, upside down topsy-turvy Heyoka-Trickster-Fool style.

Sometimes you have to run and jump into the abyss, to rise and fall and be cleansed by the turbulent maelstrom of life.

I pray for a safe landing. For myself. My beautiful magical friends, my true heroes and heroines. For the entire planet. We all deserve to be safe happy comforted and loved.

Let the joyous Healing be completed. In our world and all the worlds.

As Above So Below.

9 July 2015

8.33 am. Grrrr i don't do mornings!! I arrived at QE 2 Endoscopy unit at 8.10 am. Dr Tan saw me straight away. A very young Vietnamese man who yelled my name out so officiously that I saluted him and said "Jawohl".

I thought he was a nurse. He didn't smile at my twisted joke but regardless, with perfect efficiency booked me in for a colonoscopy, due sometime in next 3 months.

Great! Now I can drive home and go back to bed. First I will need a cup of tea. Literally dressed, brushed my teeth and drove here. I feel like I have been hit by a Mac Truck.

Beautiful morning though, if you are into that sort of thing :-).

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5.24 pm I had a nap. Now ravenous. Going to visit Lyn at 6 pm to pick up my laptop that Peter fixed ( Thanks Peter! ) then on to Aldi.

9 July 2014

2.28 am. Exhausted but happy to be in bed, in love, being loved by my cat. Naturally! Purring consequential. Big empty bed containing one woman and one cat (both desexed!)

If aliens were to beam us up they would be confused by that! A demi-goddess and her human ritually declaiming their fecundity to to the gods. Weeeelllll! It's safer that way...for some!

Penny says. 'Shut the Fuck up Mama and turn out the light and get off Facebook and interface with me, like for real'.

Dammit I hate when my cat is righteously demanding of my time. Laila Tov Y'All from sacred space aka The Cats' House. I feed, they Knead. The Circle of Life.

Note to self and Cosmic Consciousness: future male Love/Life Partner must love pussies and hopefully, in the not too distant future a Pomeranian as well.

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I want to give up on Love. I really do! Alas, not loving means Death for me. I've danced the Zombie Dance for too long. I can't go back, or look back. Pillars of Salt built from my tears, fears, and searing pain. Seas of them, worn with nonchalance and grace around my neck :-).

Diamonds on the soles of my feet…Dancing Life back into my middle-aged body before I descend or ascend whichever way you look at it. Obla dee, obla da...oblivion. Stars in my eyes, angelic singing in my ears, eternal sunshine in my heart.

Thank you G-d for Breathing New Life into me and refreshing my tired and battered heart and my shadow Soul. This Bitch is Back with Bliss and Blessings and Abundant Love for all and especially for one who might just embrace me, love me, admire me, respect me, hold my hand and never let me go.

Greedy? Unrealistic? Maybe, but if I manifest for magnificence then I might just get the Love I have yearned for the past 49 years and this time it might just be Real.

….

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Snuggle safe pet heat pads. Wish list. If I had one of these my sickly newborn chick might have survived. Might not as we had to free it from it's membrane and it was weak but next time, if ever, I will be prepared.

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Jarrod Nielsen: Can finally say "I'm home". Been a hard slog the past few days, but I am finally out of the old house. A big thanks to Tanya for her help with cleaning, sorting and a few trips by car. Without your help this never would have happened in time. Thanks also to Crystal for her help today and for dinner.

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Good to be home with my animals and my warm bed and warm heater. Sacred Space is the only place to be, until I find a way to move to Byron Bay and kickstart my life. As they say, "moving on is not the same as giving up".

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9 July 2013

Slept til 12.30 pm. Woke up from a nightmare and scared Miss Bella Rosa. Poor thing!

I went for a coffee with Gail and Christina then came home to water the front garden. Everything looks lovely!

9 July 2011

I'm dealing with an aching loneliness by not dealing with it LOL. I've kept busy uploading photos to Ancestry and although looking at them all seems to trigger PTSD and depression it's good to have them up there. I really don't know why I feel so low. It's ridiculous. I've had an awesome week.

I still wish I had some money to go out with, just to break up the monotony, the loneliness and be out in the world. Oh well, maybe next weekend? If I have money left over after paying off bills and food.

9 July 2010

Had lunch with my two favourite men, and looked around the shops. A lovely day!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons