Memories: 10 July 2025

10 July 2025

9:34 am bad night. But I soldiered through like a Berserker Queen, cos that’s what I do! I’ve woken up just in time before Ratih arrives to clean. I feel like hell. My intercostal muscles in and around my chest still ache but not as severely as yesterday.

I am going to get through this! My breathing did a little backslide during the night but still an excellent result. So The Tanya is hanging in there…Kids.

Another day in Fucking PARADISE. Psy sighs. “Good Morning!” Time to hit the ground running.

10 July 2023

Today I slept until 12:30 pm. Then I took a shower, washed my hair, dressed. I sat outside on the grass and carved my witchy staff with a fresh triskele. It had gotten sanded off when I sanded it. It was lovely working on this whilst sitting outside. Meditative. I was also watching a podcast.

Later I took Beau and Charley for a walk. We visited Rosie and the dogs ran around merrily while Bobo played ball.

In the evening until now 11:20 pm I transferred my writing to Vocal Media. I am exhausted but satisfied with my preservation of my memories/insights/spiritual epithets and my precious writings.

Time to a sleep now. Laila Tov (Good night!)

10 July 2022

11:48 am up and at em! I woke up at 6 am but listened to podcasts then fell asleep until 10 am. I had vivid dreams about my former fishponds.

I went to the larger one, that in the dream was placed in the back left corner of my property. It was almost dry and the fish were gone. There was a thick silt on the bottom which I ran through my hands, trying to decipher if the mud had killed the fish. I feel quite distraught.

I ran my hands over the timber feature and fussed over it for some time, thinking it had somehow contaminated the water. The remaining water in the pond was clean and healthy looking.

A good omen and the sludge represents my current health battles and the ensuing fight I will be having with the medical establishment! Or perhaps the sludge represents my grief at my own declining health and the state of our world?

Next phase of the dream I was sitting in a shed with the door open but on a toilet actually taking a crap. Light was streaming from outside and I was sorta backlit like with a stage light. Hilarious! But I look up and three teenage boys from across the road were walking out of their house and stopped as they could see me.

In the dream I just shrugged and kept on defecating. The boys stood in shock for a few moments then walked away. Now in real life I would be so deeply ashamed and mortified to be witnessed shitting on a toilet. So even in the dream, part of me said “What the fuck?” And another part said “Dementia” so I just nodded.

Then the dream shifted to the back of the shed to another pond (in real life I used to have three ponds until Housing got vicious so these are conglomerates of old traumas!) This pond was also empty and again I wrung my hands in despair. Where are all my fish?

I worried greatly and fretted but someone said “Don’t worry, you still have the ones out front.” I ran to check and yes they were still there (as they are in real life) but something felt altered and I was not satisfied that all was well. Then I woke up.

I don’t own a shed or even a carport (my paint is damaged on my car from almost ten years of exposure!) So perhaps that is why my subconscious is wishing I had a shed or garage? I hope like hell I don’t get any form of dementia or shit myself in public.

But the beautiful streaming light bodes well. Also shitting usually means money is coming. Go figure 🙂

…

Trigger Warning: child sexual abuse, suicide, abortion, cancer, car accidents, systemic abuses, domestic violence.

A reminder of what I have survived in my entire life:

I need to add to the near death thing that during my mother’s gestation with me, she attended an abortion clinic with my then 14 year old half-sister intending to abort me. Angela (who in that instance performed the function of a real mother -painful for me to acknowledge after all the abuse but important as it was a hefty emotional burden on a teenage girl who herself had just survived csa from ages 6-10) begged our mother to keep me, while sitting in waiting room of the abortion clinic.

My mother later informed me as an adult woman, that she had had 5 abortions after Angela’s birth (performed by a jewish doctor in return for sexual favours as postwar poverty was endemic). That after arriving in NZ in 1956 she stopped having periods for years (due to the trauma of migrating to new country with her abusive second husband who she quickly divorced) then fell pregnant with me with her third husband.

So I had already experienced the feeling of being unwanted in utero and after being delivered one month early by Caesarian (due to Gisela suffering toxaemia as it was an emergency delivery) I was a “failure to thrive” baby suffering terrible reflux and was literally starving and ended up hospitalised. I was fed two whole bottles of formula. Burped then passed out and slept 24 hours.

To this day I need to be well satiated 😉

That last surgery was incredibly fraught but I am fully engaged with Life again. I am grateful and happy to be alive and thoroughly lapping up love and kindness and support from all my beloveds.

Thank you! Xxx

Also happy to say that with that couch (the horcrux!) leaving my home on 26 February, there has finally been a releasing of my mother’s “Alte Hexe” spirit. It took until recently for the weight of her oppression to finally lift.

May she finally find rest and peace with the Ein Soph Aur and stay away from me for the rest of eternity. Amen v’ selah. I pray our soul contracts with each other are finally done!

…

Attn: #WhitesHillFamilyMedical

#HealthRightsCommission

#QueenslandHealth

#MaxChandlerMatherMPGreens (Griffith)

#DrBrianRosspsychiatrist

I am being systematically culled. I just received a phone call from my doctor’s receptionist (!!!!) to inform me that I need to have a PCR before getting an appointment tomorrow morning for her to “listen to my chest”.

I said “what do I need a pcr test for? I already gave you a negative rat test the other day, so you know I don’t have Covid?”

The receptionist quavers and tells me that pcr will pick up other respiratory issues. I smell bullshit!

I told her “So I am being made to jump through hoops to access basic medical care now. Frankly I would rather die…so No!”

I hung up. End of story. Decision has been made.

My doctor knows that sending her receptionist to do Her job would enrage me, so it’s tantamount to killing me.

She could not even take a proper scraping of the fucking fungus on my toe that she has refused to treat for over three years. She handed me the scissors to do it MYSELF! The medication she recommended “Gardochrom” is no longer available at any chemist.

Frankly toe fungus is the least of my problems but this is just one example of her negligence or lack of professionalism.

How dare she, and the medical establishment (and Vets) discriminate against me when I do not and have never had…Covid.

Imagine how actual covid patients have been treated?!!!!

I need to point out that I did not need either a negative RAT test or PCR test for my chest X-ray at Qld X-ray at Greenslopes Private Hospital on Thursday 30th July 2022 nor when I attended Herston Dental hospital recently.

So this was a classic case of medical apartheid and discrimination. All I requested was a repeat for penicillin which she should have provided in the first instance, given I have been very sick for over 18 months so one course was not going to barely fix the issue.

And frankly she should have referred me to a respiratory specialist about two years ago but when I requested a referral she flatly refused.

Why?! I have chronic asthma/bronchitis since I was 4 years old after surviving whooping cough/and measles. I also have (admittedly Untreated) obstructive sleep apnoea . Diagnosed in 2003. I refused cpap after trialling it for ten months without any improvement to my health.

For the past year I have managed all symptoms of asthma with Seretide and Ventolin until in recent months when I became weaker and weaker, dizzy, almost fainting, difficulty walking, coughing incessantly (almost simultaneously healing myself after three cancer incisions on my back since 30th May to 1st June 2022) Which for some unknown reason made my asthma even worse! It was also so painful that I felt tortured but interestingly, that doctor also did not require a negative rat or pcr test.

I firmly believe I have a basic human right to medical treatment of my choice which in this case was requesting a second course of antibiotics! (for the love of G-d, indeed all the gods…how hard could DR Julie Hall and her little Nazi Rottweiler receptionist have made this?)

I will Also add that during my appointment I handed her the negative RAT test demanded by the receptionists (!!!!) and she said “is this a pregnancy test?” Mocking me for having to jump through her hoops!

I replied that “as you well know my uterus was excised and a tvt tape was installed inside my body and a vagina repair so you know full well, especially given my age even if I did still sport a uterus that I am definitely not pregnant!”

In fact I am part of the class action against Johnson and Johnson for their systemic atrocities perpetuated on women in return for a functioning bladder! That operation was on 30 October 2007!)

I told her my liver problems that she several times over the years falsely accused me of alcoholism (which at that appointment she denied saying which is gaslighting and a lie as she said it often enough to distress me!) They Were caused by the hepb shots I foolishly took back in 2012.

In fact that was when my health spiralled under so no, I will not be part of any global mRNA vaccine programs. I have been poisoned by medical interventions quite enough!!!

The actual hysterectomy conducted at QE2 was so systemically abusive I seriously considered suicide back then. My then forensic psych nurse friend (with over 40 years experience) threatened the nursing staff with the Health Rights Commission and hey presto! suddenly I received moderately better care.

How many times can our Qld health system keep trying to invalidate, abuse, delegitimise or deny me appropriate basic treatments for daring to speak out about their ongoing sadistic atrocities! Hmmmm?!

Yours sincerely and in absolute disgust and fury!

Tanya Désirée Arons

PS can someone send me the results of my chest X-ray as obviously I won’t be going back to that monster!

PPS I am tired, older, vulnerable with my ever fragile health. I have been fighting to stay alive since very early childhood. I just want to be treated with basic courtesy respect and to have my basic health concerns taken seriously when I can barely breathe.

I know you hope to cull the “vulnerable” population via medical neglect or other atrocities but I AM STILL STANDING IN MY LIGHT AND MY INTEGRITY.

…

11:28 pm Damn my tv just died again. It only works for my friend Jarrod of the magickal electronic fingers. It’s back to flashing red and won’t turn on manually again!

However, I had a lovely afternoon and evening at West End drumming and after that had dinner with three lovely men I met at drumming! (A most unexpected and spontaneous delight!)

We had a such a lovely time together that several hours flew by!

So who needs tv when we have real world connections with real authentic and kind people.

Thanks again to Belinda for the gift of the shaman drum!

I am feeling very blessed and contented! Magick happens when you are in the flow and keep your mind crystal clear and your heart open.

New friends and spontaneity and joy. Yeah baby!

10 July 2021

I had a long sleep in. Much needed. But I feel like a scoured out carapace…like a Mummy that has had all her internal organs removed, and been hollowed out: even my bones squished against my rib cage, feeling like I am just a hollow chrysalis, shining bright and buffeted by the winds of fate, while hanging from the tree of life.

It’s a strange sensation to feel like I am physically empty inside. But my organs are missing except for my brain which is threaded down into my head like a sentient lifeline from some external Source, like a ventilator in a matrix.

(Don’t worry… I am fully present and cognisant). It’s just the illness and stress and grief taking its toll. My soul recompartmentalising me as She so cleverly does so I can Become another version of me for the next “onslaught” or “adventure”.

I wonder what God will do to me when They have finally divested me of all my pets, and everything and everyone I love? What They think I will be?

Will I be happy, Will I be rich, will I be pretty? Will I be …whatever…Que sera sera.

I am whom I am and I am not alone. I have bright and fierce and beautiful friends and even that RSPCA inspector was on my side. A validation.

To be or not to be that is the question…in the smoky burnt out days of grief and distress and societal atrophy all we have is our own power to create and to be every expression of love we can muster from the crackling embers of our desecrated souls.

Maybe I am hollowed out and fed by some mother Butterfly out there in the cosmos, the nectar needed so I can fly?

Ahh bollocks…poetic hyperbole and self immolating pitiful bathos.

Time to get with the program and take my remaining pets for a walk. The wind is blustery though. I will need to rug up and wear a scarf to protect my mouth (and lungs!)

Maybe I will have breakfast first then I will feel less blighted and empty lol.

…

This morning’s musing: dark lol

I am the Lightning Rod and the Flaggelant’s whipping post, the fiery fury and the incandescent Love.

I am the entrance to the World of Dreams and the clusterfuck of entrophied shit that moulders away into Nothingness, leaving only a trace of Whom I have been.

I am the Shadow on the Walk and the Banshee wailing clarion call.

Wake up, wake up. Begin again from the fibrous grains of yesteryear’s dust and salted tears.

Life reforms in a thousand kaleidoscopic patterns.

Watch and learn from the Natural World and take comfort there!

(Back from my walk…brrr…was barely able to breathe with my mask on. Happy to take it off when I got home and suck real fresh but bitterly cold air into my lungs). My little acrid powerhouses that gift me every single moment of my life.

I would let out a triumphant Primal Scream such as could be heard across all 11 dimensions but fuck me…I lack the lung capacity right now lol.

Hear me roar…albeit symbolically!

…

There is only one way to root out Evil. Confront it. Call it by its true name and claim it. Reach down into the pot of your own despair and scream its name.

Evil is goodness unmet, unqualified. The cowardice turned into Savagery. The thing that picks off my beloved pets one by one, that in the height of that crisis turned rspca admin staff and veterinary bloodsuckers into venal monsters.

Why? They fear the Truth. Scared of a cough and cold. An institution that deals in Death daily. Such unprofessionalism and cowardice.

I hope they burn in hell. But what is really the price of my love for my cat that even I could not keep alive with diabetes?

Ahh well Socks. You were loved beyond all mortal ken and I know you are at peace now. I am sorry I could not be with you in your final moments but we will scatter your ashes under your tree and you will abide in my heart forever. (Like all my other deceased fur and feather children).

That demon god that stole you away from us…can sit back down for a while.

Beauregard is grieving today also. It’s palpable. When I am over this chest cold I will smudge the house.

Death and I are going to have a very ugly divorce. If I could punch her in the face for what She just put us all through, I would. But violence never solved anything. Darkness must be met with Light.

Flesh and ashes, and pustulant seething rage enough to burn down this filthy treacherous city. But even that won’t clean it.

So I will start with clearing out my own heart. Opening channels of light like portals of fresh air, purifying light and sanctification.

I have broken out in cold sores and pustules from the stress and from wearing the mask. Fuck Covid! Fuckityy fuck fuck fuck. Fuck all those ignoble bdsm death cult cowards that weaponised it. Terrorising a population to the extent that euthanising my cat became such a nightmare.

Imagine how those poor people in hospitals are being brutalised for contracting actual Covid. The arrant unprofessionalism and ordinary sadism.

Fuck it all.

But little by little I shall overcome. I will keep speaking to Truth and stand in my own honour. Let everything else fall.

Dust to dust ashes to ashes…but rich compost from which new life and beauty and vitality will evolve again. It always does, as that is the nature of the universe.

10 July 2020

My daughter refuses to hug me. Longgg before COVID came to be a Thing. I have been treated worse than a leper. Maybe I should shed my body parts and step onto a new Light: some place/space where I am valued and cherished.

Psy sigh. It’s a lifetime of a dream that psychedelic dreamer has not been able to manifest. God only knows how I have tried.

I will not let my familial neglect and abuse sadden me. I will create my own Love out of the shredded discards of yesterday and rebuild my life so joyously and perfectly that no one will ever harm or disappoint me again.

…

Interesting. At 10:36 pm while sitting in the lounge watching “Relic” on Stan I heard the little bells that hang on my back door tinkle. (Ringing bells is a sign that spirit is around!) Bobo barked and looked at me in alarm.

More due to his reaction I walked into the kitchen. I thought perhaps one of the cats had brushed against the string of bells. No cats. The bells were still now. The door was closed so no breeze. So hmmm...

I guess if it is a family ancestor they will make themselves known in more obvious ways. It might be the fae who like to let me know they are around also.

Bobo searched around near the back door. He seemed on high alert.

All good. No harm no foul. My “people” protect me especially as I called them down today.

I pray for peace, happiness, good kind and truest of loves and prosperity and good health. 😉

Sei gesund. Keyn ayne horo. The Tanya is Done!

10 July 2020

I am having constant connectivity problems with my wifi. Yesterday I saw nbn technicians working in my line. It’s now worse. What the fuck am I paying for? Substandard service. Utterly disgusted.

10 July 2019

I made an appointment with my gp tomorrow. Apparently she has not been sent a copy of the Pathology report which I find extremely odd given it states that I may need to see her if any complications and they want these communicated back to them.

How can she communicate when she does not have the relevant Information to hand? It’s absurd.

I will tell her how weak and fatigued and unwell I am and about the alleged cardiac issues. (She never once picked up on them and actually told me to dance 5 nights a week as I am strong as an ox and will live to a ripe old age). Thank god I listened to my own body and cut back on the dancing to one night which was all I could manage in recent months.

I went dancing on Saturday and would not have done if I had received the pathology report earlier. I was still weak and struggled with the exertion even though I was careful and sat down to rest frequently.

Talk about drive myself to an early grave!

I had blood tests before the colonoscopy in March and this was not picked up back then. So what the actual Fuck is going on?!!

I guess she will try to put me on warfarin which is not something I want. (My father was on that!)

…

You know what really grinds my gears. All the love I poured into superficial fake friends or former lovers and family. With a broken and I discover now, damaged heart. I gave and gave and gave and for what. Only to face death yet again.

And it’s beautiful and terrifying and fucking Majestic and even magical.

I am The Tanya and my perpetual Love even blows my own Mind.

10 July 2018

…

Quite cold this morning. I am waiting for Crystal to bring my car back as I was too ill to drive her home last night. Might put on a warm jacket and sit with a cup of tea in the sun like I did yesterday.

…

Well I got through the initial trauma of having my face rearranged. So far no dry socket. Still quite sore in my jaw.

Crystal and Jarrod were wonderful to me. They cooked a delicious shepherds pie with sweet potatoes and an apple crumble. Gluten free/dairy free for their food allergies and soft food for my mouth. I dozed on and off and Crystal brought me Panadol/codeine which helped with the initial pain.

I think I will be able to manage without pain relief today so that is really good.

Anyway, today I am going to my hairdresser Kylie so that will also be lovely.

I am feeling very peaceful and content.

…

Watching Oracles, Reptilians, and the Divine Feminine on Open Minds on Gaia.com. Fascinating.

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Laila Tov Kulam. Good night Y’all. I have had a beautiful day. I met a lovely woman while getting our hair done who was fascinating to talk with.

I had a call from my friend Lyn, to see how my mouth was healing (so far so good, although bit sore tonight). Lyn sent me a beautiful photo of her 6 month old granddaughter.

Then I had another call from Crystal to check on me. She had been at an industry “do” and was excited about her career. Awesome!

I cooked dinner late in the evening as I had not felt well enough to be bothered to cook but then I got ravenous so magic happened! Lol!

Now time to sleep! 🙂.

10 July 2017

…

Had to vacuum the floor as within 5 minutes of each other I broke an antique syringe and a beautiful blue glass jar. Glass everywhere. It took me ages to find all the shards from the jar! Gahhhh!

I bought a big jar of coconut oil and almost broke that too. Glad I didn't as it is a large jar and cost me $12 on special!

Pissed off about the antique syringe. It looked cool with my gothic scientific collection on top of the spice rack.

Apart from breaking glass this afternoon, I have been plagued by an epic chocolate craving which I staved (starved?) off by making homemade pizza on Lebanese bread. Hmmm!

Pizza was delicious but Still. Not. chocolate...I am gonna get up and make a Hot Chocolate instead. (I have eaten a lot of chocolate last week and this is no way to live as it will only blow out my weight and then slowly kill me again. Arrrghhh.). But The Tanya Wantss her Precioussss.

No! No way! Just for today!

…

10 July 2016

4.44 am. I just woke up.

I owe Annette Highlands an apology. Annette I am so sorry I totally forgot that I promised to help you move house for a few hours yesterday.

I don't know how I could have done that as it was only the day before that I said I would come over if I woke up the afternoon, but instead I spent the afternoon at the dog park then later went dancing. I felt "off" last night and thought it was exhaustion and asthma. Then it just hit me!

I am so sorry! Moving house is so traumatic and I am sorry I let you down.

…

Feeling happy, supported, loved by beings seen and unseen. Thank you G-d and the Angels. The tweaking of my life has been Huge but I can See your great work behind my rather unusual life circumstances.

I apologise for all my tantrums when I thought You Hashem, no longer believed in me and no longer cared for me. I have been a Cosmic Brat. Of the Highest Order! LMAO! Shit happens but so does Love, Man. It is your/my/our greatest Gift.

Before Your Light let them Humble themselves, but You raise us up from the dust and the ashes and ennoble us in ways that only the most broken can be blessed.

I am your much Beloved Warrior -no escaping my reality, but knowing I am yours gives me succour in sad and strange times and situations.

Holy Holy Holy. Only Angels and fools like me can dance in this sublime Tom-foolery and laugh in the face of our "Madness". For I am The Psychedelic Dreamer and this is your Dream too. Wake up! But dream beautifully.

…

I am getting dressed now. To honour my commitment to my beautiful friend Annette whom I let down yesterday but I can still assist today. Phew! Glad to be able to keep my word.

…

8.21 pm home from a busy but nice day, helping Annette unpack her house. Beauregard was obsessed with her new 6 week old ginger kitten. He was less fascinated. Hearing his tiny spit at the dog and fluffing himself up to make himself look scary was hilarious.

…

10 July 2015

9.06 am. I was having a most unpleasant little trauma dream about being made homeless by my mother and I was running around on a Friday afternoon searching for places to stay. People kept asking my address and I kept giving old addresses in a delusional confused state.

The only thing worse than being crazy, is dreaming you are crazy and thinking it is real. That really fucks my vibe. Crazy people generally don't know when they lose the plot.

In the dream I saw clearly our old house in Island Bay replete with all my mother's china collection. In the dream, it was all going to auction and I was distressed about the loss of both her worldly goods and a place to stay.

I was asking if Housing was open so I could beg for a place but I only had $90 a week. (That is actually my current rent). The dream ended with my bed perched on top of some building, outside, with me, the kids and for some odd reason, Jarrod all lying in it. Very Frieda Kahlo-esque.

I had trouble waking from the dream and had to remind myself several times that I live in a nice safe home and I am not homeless and I am safe!

Just as I was settling back down to sleep there was an almighty hammering on the door. (like a pissed off policeman!) I staggered out of bed, drew on my dressing gown, thinking, 'What the actual Fuck?! More trouble!' (this because I was still half in the twilight zone of my dream).

A young eager pleasant tradesman was at the door. He had come to look at the back stairs I fought about with the Housing call lady yesterday. Great! He is coming next week to replace rotting bottom step and paint rest.

Next step, waiting for them to assess my disintegrating kitchen.

No wonder I was having nightmares. I don't like being so 'red-flagged' that they have to come to repair stuff as I have a constant phobia they will move me someplace smaller. But my house is getting old and needs re-painting and new kitchen cabinets so it has to be looked at. Hmmm!

I wish my ex husband and my mother hadn't robbed me completely. I would have still owned one house and had security until I died. Such is life.

I am not alone in this constantly tenuous state. At least I have had 12 years of stability living here. Which has made life somewhat easier on my mental health.

Prior to that, the constant moving with the children, constant trauma and stress nearly killed me. If not for a kind GP, Dr Pecotich writing on my behalf, I would not have gotten a house in 3 years and would have probably still been struggling like a wild animal.

I am so grateful for a nice home, garden, my pets and my lovely warm bed. I think often of my homeless friends and how content and at peace they are in their situation. I admire them so much. My health is so precarious, I would die on the streets in winter.

So my guardian angels have really guided and protected me. I did offer to give a bed to Katrina but she refused. She prefers the streets. She must have some place to sleep at night these past few weeks as I have not seen her out on my weekends, dancing. I look for her.

George also was absent last week but I suspect he was put in hospital as he was raving mad two weekends ago. Poor soul! I always know he is losing it when he tells me he has left his girlfriend. He adores that woman. He said last time they gave him the Volts (ECT). So yes, I worry about him too.

I thought he might be delusional about the break-up but he insisted it's over this time. The only time he takes off busking is when he is put in hospital. So, hmmm.

Hopefully he is out playing tonight. I will check to see he is all right. Him and I both Jews, doing our thing on Shabbat! His father was a Shochet (ritual butcher) in East London. Very Orthodox.

George tells me he no longer believes in G-d and I declare outraged that of course G-d exists and we are still jews. This is just our Expression of Oneg Shabbat. He laughs, cavalierly.

"I don't give a fuck", he says. But in his eyes I see a gleam of connectedness. He is still Ours. On good nights he lets loose with Yiddish swear words and curses. Words even I don't quite understand. He chortles impishly. I waggle my finger at him.

I say, "Now now that's not nice, Georgie". "Fuck the Goyim" he says, (usually after some drunk lowlife schmuck has insulted him or me). I laugh. I say, "Your Yiddishkeit is slipping!"

He is right though. People out on the streets can be so fucking rude! George says in England those types would have been beaten up and one time he almost smashed his guitar over some arsehole's head. I said, bemusedly, "Don't do that, Georgie, your guitar deserves better treatment than that". We laughed!

My Beloved told me yesterday that he thinks I am a Harmless Psycho. I said in my most sinister dark voice "You really have no idea!" He teased me that I have a horrible laugh, voice and I am an annoying stalker.

I said, "OK is that all you got? Say something nice to me". He quickly changed the subject. I happen to know he likes me. As I stated to him "One does not simply encourage one's stalker by talking to them for hours on the phone!"

He says I blank (snub) him when we are out. I said, "Only if you have spoken badly to me. Or you are with another woman". I said indignantly, "I never stalk or harass you in public. Only by text or occasionally by phone! You are the one who shows up and stares at me all night! So by definition in public, You are My Stalker!" We both had to laugh at that. It is true!

Love...makes Fools of us all!

…

10.20 am. Another lovely morning. I have been awake for several mornings this week. Very unusual. I am sitting in my garden, drinking tea and playing with Mushu and the chickens. The sun is warm after a cold night. 6 more weeks of winter, then spring. My jonquils are already up. Life is good.

…

The Tanya is brimming over with happiness and love! This afternoon I had coffee with my dear friend Sarah Birt. It was lovely to see her again. We shared an antipasto dish together.

While sitting there I noticed Vanessa Trieger sitting with her son Remy. It is his birthday today. His Bar Mitzvah on Saturday. He is her youngest. It was lovely to see them. Our older children went to Sinai College together!

I told Remy to tell Jordan that I have a new Mazda 3 now so Jordan no longer has to keep his promise to fix my old Mazda 121. He said he would be sure to tell him and that he would be delighted for me. Sweet boy!

I reminded him that I am the only one to still call his big brother Jordie (and he liked that!). We all laughed. Funny how time has flown. It makes me feel rather old (tear!)

They are celebrating the Bar Mitzvah by going to Disneyland which I think is wonderful. I'd always wanted to take my girls to Disneyland! How exciting!

Then driving home I saw the Double Rainbow! A double Blessing from Hashem! So I texted Sarah to buy a lottery ticket. You just never know!

So I am blessed with love and happiness, heavenly protection and abundance. Ok abundance is pushing it but schmeh! All good. You can't buy what I have got going on. It is a gift from the universe. Baruch Hashem xxxx.

Shabbat Shalom!

10 July 2014

I am having dinner at The Treasury. Starvin' Marvin. Crystal bought me very expensive cakes from Newstead. That was hours ago. They were delicious. I basically hoovered them. I have ordered a Chicken Schnitzel. Waiting wayyy too long. It better be Great!

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It's 3 am I must be lonely.... I had a great night out with Jo and Laura. We danced at Irish Murphy's and I finished off my night with a nice chicken schnitzel at The Treasury. I just got home. Wow! My life is awesome!

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I love my life but insomnia is an unwelcome side-effect of too much Awesomeness! Almost 7 am and I have been dozing on and off for 3 hours.

So I just ate a Picnic bar (cos I can and I want chocolate). Then I am going to brave the cold and make a cup of tea and let the hens out. Then a Seroquel to sleep which I should have taken when I first went to bed to quell my thoughts.

An elderly friend from shul told me 15 years ago that when I hit menopause I would lose weight and get all hyper. I laughed back then but it appears to be right. I have spent several hours running my hands over my taut muscles from dancing and the recent shlep for Jarrod's move. I barely recognise my own body. I was always so squidgy, overweight and exhausted. Still exhausted but my G-d I have stamina now.

Dancing has strengthened my body mind and spirit. The last time I was this fit I was 14 years old chasing my horse up huge hills and down valleys for hours to capture her. That was 35 years ago. I can't even cease being amazed that I am still alive after the life I had.

I am a strong awesome wonderful woman who deserves the very best that Life has still to offer me. Whether I get a man who totally loves and 'gets' me is a dream long nurtured and a penchant long fought for.

This morning I realised that my freedom to sleep when I want, go out when I want, dance and drink with my beautiful friends and just embrace what is left of my shattered life, probably precludes me from 'settling down' with a man ever again.

They fear me. They don't know how to be in my life and make me fit into theirs. They never bothered to try. I am a Woman who will not be Conquered. It's amusing how much they are fooled by a pretty face or firm body but I am way more complex than my exterior 'upholstery'. I am a deep Soul. Lesser Mortals need not apply.

Oh yes, insomniac ramblings make me ponder the big secrets of my existence. Cup of tea! (My first words and one day might be my last!)

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7.47 am. Brass Monkeys outside but looks like it will be a lovely day. Back in my warm snuggly bed. Bliss out!

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8.14 pm. Just woke up. The seroquel knocked me out. Slept 12 hours. Now the night stretches ahead of me. So warm in my bed...hard to leave it. Cats need feeding so that will motivate me and I am soo thirsty. I think I will make semolina for breakfast. Need quick carb fix lol.

I have decided that if I get moved out of my Housing Commission cottage I will move to Byron Bay. I need to investigate accommodation options as I won't be able to afford private rental market there either. Scared for my future actually. So I will get up and I will Dance.

Update 2020: Same intentions same fears minus the Seroquel.

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Sometimes I have to stop, breathe and remember how awesome I am. Glad I was able to encourage a young performer tonight. He was great! As I knew he would be :-).

10 July 2013

10 July 2012

I had a lovely candlelit Milk Bath. Then lathered my parched skin in moisturizer. Then went all out and painted my nails then oiled my cuticles then spent more time removing the smudged overpaint on my fingernails.

Then I felt all pretty and primped up with nowhere to go but bed.. So I thought, buggar that...so I am currently watching some ancient black and white British movie on TV. "Men Are not Gods". I think it's called. For some obscure reason the movie paraphrases Othello. I also enjoyed Wire on the blood and before that Fringe.

Don't worry, I also spent some lovely time in the garden which necessitated the lovely hot soak in the Milk Bath.

10 July 2011

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I had a good rest after spending about an hour last night trying to fall asleep which was annoying and unusual. Got up around midday and now ready to play....arggggghhhhhh, no one to go out with or play with lol.

So I guess I will get a tad frustrated by this evening. Trying to think of something time-consuming and useful to do....(dare I speak the evil thing out loud....housework lmao)

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Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons