Memories: 7 June 2025

7 June 2025

7:52 am Another day in Paradise! I had a lovely dance last night. Life is good!

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7 June 2024

https://youtu.be/0I2-_gGuljw.

Logan River Vista.

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7 June 2023

I spent the day feeling quite drained and unwell but around 2 pm I decided to have a go at casting a Bunny ring that Crystal asked me to cast. No luck. I may have to send it away to be professionally cast as his ears and feet kept getting smooshed in the Delft clay.

Then I tried making a mould of the Bunny ring in silicone with Oomoo. That also failed as one of the silicone components had gotten thicker which meant it was hard to mix and it formed air bubbles.

I am fairly pissed about that as it cost me $80 and now isn’t working right. Gahhh! I had to throw the silicone mould out.

Then the bunny ring (which was snapped in half so I had superglued it) fell apart again. So I spent a lot of time trying to glue it together again until eventually I decided the superglue won’t work on that pot metal so I tried glueing it with jb weld. Then I had to hold ot together with painters tape and wire.

So much effort to just make a mould. So much failure today. Annoying.

Some days I should just not get out of bed.

7 June 2022

3:19 pm Bitterly cold day today. I have an urge to run to Aldi to buy snacks and pies and things that are easily heated up for my ordeal tomorrow. But it’s too fucking cold so I can’t be bothered. If I leave early tomorrow I can pick up some supplies then.

I need to protect and nurture my body mind and spirit as if I don’t do it, there is no one else who will.

I have been busy posting maudlin videos on YouTube about how I came to live at Sacred Space that although a relatively safe haven, has not gifted me better luck, better health or a satisfying loyal faithful love life.

So I am cognisant that this is my last home and verily, verily my coffin for my former zombie existence and that I will probably die alone in this house too.

It is what it is. The gods know best.

7 June 2021

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10 years since I lost Dr Eastwell who with a little bit of exuberant transference was like a father figure for me. A lovely old man!

My current lovely shrinkola (Olé) who wrangles The Tanya’s moods and revolutionary impulses like a Mage...is still on sick leave after an operation on his foot! I miss him. I actually need my two weekly debriefings.

But I am managing okay by keeping busy with jewellery and staying home and keeping warm, safe and comfortable.

I had an urge to go dancing this last weekend (both nights) but when it came close to 10 pm I just lost the impulse and stayed home.

That scene with all its toxic abuse dynamics that I surfed for 10 years has finally killed my joy in going Dancing.

So now I unleash my creativity in other more soul-fulfilling ways.

But the Warrior Goddess in me wants to push herself out into the world again as She knows She can never let the Bastards grind her down.

I have every right to dance whenever/wherever I please. So fuck it! Next time I am called upon my instincts to go out...I will. Time is precious and fleeting and let’s face it..I wasted it on false shallow cruel people for decades.

Time to climb back into my Godiva-esque saddle and begin the Beguine again.

7 June 2010

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Lmao 3 years and 12 days since that last frenetic fumbling fucking fiasco. $2. solo lemonade that the cheap cunt could not leave me with. A final straw. Taught me to go back to celibacy and avoid all using parasitic vermin dressed up as eager pie-eyed wannabe lovers.

That last overture last year by the guy I met in a shop that was desperate to come to my house “to see my Art!” Um...had not considered taking me on a date or valuing me as person before wanting climb all over my boundaries and my Sacred Space home. So no...

No one has wanted me in years so I took that as a sign that my mojo might be changing but no, I am not going to be used ever again, for a brief encounter.

So the Tanya clock of sexual doom is counting. This has been the longest celibate cycle...only broken by that one epic fucking mistake 3 years ago.

But who’s counting.....?

Sex is not love...not even lovely or good sex most of the time. I have blossomed in my creativity so much in recent years and I think part of that is because I withdrew all my most delicious joyous energies that I was just pouring into empty soulless people.

Now I have shored up my hull like a dry docked Viking Ship and I don’t mind if it stays that way until I die and I get burned in it.

My sacred Space, my heart, my vagina, my spirit Deserve a true, loyal, wholesome respectful love. And good sex with a man who actually enjoys being with me. Hohum, tiddly Pom.

Pep talks from the broken hearted and desolate.

It’s all good. Psych meds free for 5 years now, free of cuntish arseholes too, surrounded by people who do like or love me (even from afar!)

Life is extremely good! 🙂

7 June 2020

Last night was a shitfest. I lay on my bed at 11 pm waiting for the electric blanket to work (it didn’t on my side!) congratulating myself on the effort of making both beds with fresh linen. Rolled over into an epic wet patch of Penny piss. Screamed. It was in 3 of my pillows, and my doona and top sheet. Luckily it did not get into the electric blanket or mattress.

So I had to leap up, strip the bed again, spray everything with enzyme cleaner, threw Penny outside. Grabbed the doona off the spare bed. Lay back down, frenziedly trying to sleep. Felt guilty for putting mad Penny out in the cold. Lay there freaking out about all the expense of having to get the pillows and doona clean and how I was going to do it?

Penny started scratching at the back door as she is insane but not stupid. It is too cold to be outside. So I get up and bring her in. She leaps back on my bed and lies beside me like a Boss. Like it’s normal to urinate on Mama’s bed and Mama can just suck it up!

I momentarily wanted to kill her. Seriously thinking she may need the green needle if she does this again. So spent the rest of the night distraught because I love my cat and this is similar to how Sophie went out in her last year of life. So now I worry Penny has Diabetes too!

So lots of not sleeping, worrying about the cat then I finally snoozed and at 4 am Penny gets up and started vomiting all over the house. I then worried even more as I gave her Advocate on 1 June so think she is poisoned. A delayed reaction or something. Shit. Fuckery.

Then I get some sleep but now have to hit the ground running to deal with all my feather pillows and doona.

Plus more washing. Plus plus plus need to wash the car and mop the floors and feel overwhelmed by the constant busyness and demands of everyday life.

Cats pissing on one’s bed late at night is not everyday life though. I hope she does not make it a regular habit.

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3:41 pm. Finally sitting down. Still doing washing. Now the task of trying to finish drying the doona and one pillow that mysteriously would not dry FFS!

But I have remade the bed (almost!) and remade spare bed. Watered the front garden as everything is parched. Filled my little reservoir thingy in the car so I can clean my front windscreen.

If it’s a nice day tomorrow I might wash the car which was my intention today but stuff got in the way!

I am exhausted. My eyes are constantly burning and I have pushed myself to get through today. Now have a weird rolling gait and a limp but the day is nearly over and I achieved the washing of the pillows and the doona, if nothing else.

Charlie is having a meander around the garden and Bobo is guarding his ball rather zealously while hopingfully looking up the street for children. He gets bored with me, especially with all the household chores. It’s too cold to take him for a walk now. I will make it up to him tomorrow.

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11:11 pm. My house is in order. So far my bedding is still dry. (I hope Penny doesn’t do that again!)

I need to buy a new down doona as mine has worn thin after 8 years. But it is clean and I am lying in bed feeling safe and content.

I sorted and tidied more of my mother’s former market stock tonight. I hung it all off the black ladder. It is all in one place. Hopefully it will be easier to deal with.

I ripped some necklaces apart as the plastic beads had lost their colour or gone manky and saved the beads that were still okay and threw out the rest.

Some of them are so old as Mum bought them in NZ in the early 1980’s. I will remake some of the nicer ones into something.

7 June 2019

Rain is on the way. So forsooth my left thigh and lower back with a stumbling shuffling painful arthritic gait. Mama T the weather vane, vaingloriously straddling her meridians. Gahhhh. I might stay in bed today.

Clarry has been to mow the lawns and was a tad flirtatious. Hmmm. Something about grumpy old disabled women is attractive? Perhaps the prospect of me not being able to run away, or launch a full-blown Boudiccea Berserker attack?

Fly my pretties. My body might be recalcitrant but my mind is still whetted like Viking steel.

7 June 2018

She came into that family at 17, fresh like cotton candy, held together by sugar and attitude. Sweet and frothy with the pie-eyed innocence of youth. Looking to belong, to be safe and cherished.

Instead she lived in the Shadowlands: hoping to die, but the gods would not oblige her, hoping to live, but the gods would not oblige her.

Eventually she killed her old life, her marriage and cut ties to her abusive family of origin. Then crawled, cut off at the knees by family, religion, and State, broken and tormented, impoverished and thought disordered.

Unable to thrive at work or even at play. Mocked, derided, cast out.

But Cotton Candy sticks like glue to the roof of the mouth and streams its sugary syrupy re-configured goodness down the throat, and so did she.

36 years later.... here she is. Still fond of sweetness and goodness and succulent delights. Alone in a world of death and destruction, betrayal and envy. They even now, envy her survival, her guts and glorious stoic determination.

Chip away, chip away, but she is a diamond moulded in the rough. Raw, uncut, thrown down to earth to moulder away, unseen and devalued by the many and wisely protected by the few.

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So 2 weeks ago I accepted a former lover back into my life. (I wanted to grab at a chance to have Love again, fearing early onset dementia and an early death). He had seemed sincere and attracted and keen.

Alas no. Another player/time waster. Another cheap trick.

So this morning (I found out yesterday my mind is still sound) I cut contact with him. I am not gonna be treated like garbage again. Life is too short.

I have a long tragic history of attracting abusers and/or avoidant cold empty men who fake love for me (briefly) and are never there for anything longterm or meaningful.

So I am not as sad as I should be. I took a chance and as usual, I lost. I know one thing now though. My true love is real. That was the man I wanted. But I had to let him go as he didn’t want me and you know, same old same old unrequited bittersweet melody of self-harming behaviours: loving a man who rejects me over and over again.

I get it. I live in poverty, with complex ptsd. I have nothing to offer and no real future.

I forgive that. I forgive myself for reaching out to a former casual partner knowing it would just be another frenetic fumbling of folly and a vertiginous fake fucked up farce.

Anyway. Sorry but not sorry for having a crack at being a normal desirable woman again. I learned a lot from that brief experience. (Keep moving forward and never let a former sexual partner back in). A leopard does not change its spots.

The Tanya is gonna be okay. Sex is not Love. Love is not even real love half the time. It’s all a bullshit illusion.

I still love someone else who also treated me like an fool. That is me. Queen of the unrequited, fools and avoidant empty shallow cruel men.

I accept my fate. Clean slate. Dancing as fast as I can. No shame in my game.

Authentic courageous beautiful (but silly) woman here.

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3 years, 4 months, 2 weeks. I hung up my boots for that long. Got on with my life. Celibate and carefree. Dickhead zombie free zone. Then I took them down and gave them a spit and polish. Then fucking fell over them.

So now they are hung back up, shining and swinging and winking at me. “Go on Girl, you are one helluva Woman. Go for it! Fell off one horse, get back on another Mustang Kwe.”

Hmmm nice thoughts. That was how I got in this space in the first place. My parents pretending to like each other.

Sweet Moses!

Now the Counting begins again...time is a river, touches no one. Takes no prisoners, holds no one accountable...just disappears into another oblivion. Another dream.

Psychedelic dreamer. Lovely woman. Worthy. Loveable. Passionate. Wild. Safe in her own mystery. Free.

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@ Carindale. 1 hour 20 min wait to get my iPhone battery replaced at Apple Store. Grr. Might as well get some lunch.

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had to go back home and wait another 2 hours ffs also they are charging me $39 even though Apple slows down the batteries deliberatedly. Fucking corrupt scheisters. But I live in a land of corrupt scheisters by choice. (I came for the hot weather which is of course, with climate change, far too hot)....breathes... must be grateful.

Thank you universe for not killing me just yet and for not letting me go on a murderous rampage ...just yet. Somewhere in-between lives a middleaged angry Warrior Goddess who is so over the constant bullshit.

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Apple now claim the phone has water damage and I need to now pay $429.

I know for a fact this fone has not been wet. I took bloody good care of it. Bastards.

7 June 2017

I enjoyed Dancing in the Dark at Wooloongabba with Jenny and Tee. Great fun!

7 June 2016

5.04 am. Just woke up from a very trippy dream. Just in time to get up to pee. The dream was about Angels or aliens healing me.

They asked questions about our culture. Like why do people smoke or eat bad food? I explained it was a habit which humans undertook to be sociable. To feel happy. Or be part of a group.

They asked "why did you share a cigarette with your smoker friends when you know it is so bad for you?" I said, "Because they enjoy sharing. And I like seeing them happy and comfortable. It makes me happy too. But I don't do it often as it is an addiction."

They asked why I like chocolate or sweets so much. I said "It Brings me joy." They nodded. "So food can also be a habit" they asked. "Oh yes" I said.

They 'flew' me into an operating theatre. Made me open my legs. I started to panic and explained I had already had surgery 'down there'. A bladder repair, a hysterectomy and repair to the vaginal walls. "Please don't do anything to me!" I begged.

They wore surgical masks. One laid his/her head on my lower abdomen. “She speaks the truth. It has been surgically altered”. I said "Please, you must understand. That surgery was 8 years ago. I am aging. Life has been hard. It impacts on my bladder. I need to pee Right now!" They asked me. "How often?" I replied, "Sometimes every 2 hours but I am healing at the moment so my bladder is irritated."

Ok they said we can fix that. The one 'nurse' laid her head on my belly again. I felt warmth and Love.

I woke up just in time to go to the toilet. I prayed (the dream felt so real and 'interactive') to G-D and the Angels for healing my body, mind and soul, for the perfect biological engineering that can wake me from a psychotic dream about ET or Angels and allow me to void a very full bladder in the toilet instead of being incontinent.

I thanked G-D for bringing me to this season of joy, peace and a healthy strong body albeit middle-aged. I thanked G-D for creating all the universes and all lIfe forms.

They asked about Netflix too. Why do we watch tv shows and what does it do to our consciousness? I told them humans love fantasy, fiction. We love being entertained and happy.

I told them that sometimes we watch shows that confront us, make us think or frighten us. We gain knowledge or wisdom through dealing with our latent emotions.

They stated it causes some to act out in terrible ways. I said "Only if the heart is impure. Or the mind damaged. Most humans know what is real or imaginary and learn from these fictitious experiences. (Karmic emotions perhaps)".

They nodded. I explained that I watch many different types of shows and find the truths hidden within many of them comforting. Also I like watching real life stories or documentaries where we can learn about the nature of life on earth or the universe. They smiled.

I thought they were going to operate on my bladder but I yelled, “No really! I need to pee right now!”

Then I woke up and ran to the bathroom.

Man, coming off anti-depressants Really purges your body and mind.

Kinda scary and intense. But I feel it is worth it. The decision to go off them came up suddenly. So maybe my 'helpers' on the other side are programming me for healing. Or maybe It is all just a crazy dream.

But urination is a huge reality check. A good one. Lmao!

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Ok back to sleep. Only sleeping in 2 or 4 hour increments. But all good.

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10.11 am. Awake again. Woke up at 9.48 am lol. Whirling dreams again but this time no weird 'mares.

Cold morning but might as well get out of bed!

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Beautiful sunny day. I found Socks sitting atop the worm farm. In the morning sun. His bum being warned by the worm farm and his fur being warmed by the sun. Man, that cat knows how to look after himself. Smart Pussy!

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Mmmmmm. Raisin Toast with coconut oil spread on top. Delicious!

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Just heard footsteps coming up the outside steps. Been happening the last few nights actually. Bobo goes to the door and barks. Tonight he won't stop barking! But it must be possums as I heard them running over front of roof.

But it is creepy as it really sounds like someone walking up the front steps!!

I feel so creeped out, I am not even going to open the door!

7 June 2014

10.57 am just got woken up by Penny wanting snuggles. She gave a kiss (headbump) then kneaded me on my belly with her extremely cold paw pads. Eeeek! I had to pull my doona over so she couldn't put her cold paws on my skin. So now I am wide awake! Thanks Cat!

She is happy as a pussy on a warm blanket now that she has warmed herself on her human. Licking herself smugly and purring loudly.

I am utterly exhausted. Sad for a sweetheart friend of mine and my feet are cramping in pain from last night's epic Life-Defying (Death defying) Splendour of Music, Mayhem and Matchmaking.

Someone offered me to their former lover, who is married lol. He's a sweetie but I have enough problems being in love with a former married man, who is ambivalent about me.

I must avoid complicated and icky love affairs. It is just too devastating to my psyche. Unfortunately my heart chooses when I least expect it and there is only so much Duct-tape in the known universe holding it together and slamming it back in my chest!

Love is As Blind as Lady Justice and sometimes just as cold and empty.

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5.49 am I am home alone with my cats! Of course! :-).

I had a wonderful night dancing for Berst, dancing with my friends, singing along and being Wild. After the pub closed I danced with George, then when he went home, I danced with this cool lady at the casino.

I have risen above my usual pile of shit in splendid style. I am Awesome, greatly loved, Valued, adored. (By my animals who don't know better!)

I am on a fast train to nowhere, with nothing to lose ( already lost it all!) Nothing to prove, (I know who the fuck I am and what I am!) and noone can stop me sucking the joy from every day I have left on this spinning planet.

Only 2 years ago I did not think I would be alive, yet here I am, the Lover/ the Warrior/ the Dancer/the Healer/ the Psychedelic Dreamer. The one who has lived fully for the past 2 years, and whom is not finished yet!

Men might hate me, crave me, misinterpret me, repel me, or lead me to despair, but they are only men! There are a few dear ones, who never abandon me or forget me.

I was not born of woman (like McDuff!) so I was cursed from cradle to grave to not be borne by man either.

It's all good. I accept my Fate. I have no choice but to laugh at the Mystery who laughs and winks back at me. I wonder what or whom I am being kept precious for?

I am so happy and grateful for all I have and have not! Something to aspire to while acknowledging how much goodness and love and indomitable fight it has taken to bring me to this point in my lifetime. Awe, wonderment and beauty. Tenderness, generousity, strength. Bliss! :-)

Laila tov, shabbat Shalom from The Tanya xxxx

7 June 2013

Now watching Mao's Last dancer but frankly it's a struggle as I am quite bored. I have taken mental health breaks to do the dishes (an extreme indication of utter dissolution!) and made semolina pudding for my supper. Yum! I used my Vanilla Sugar in it and it was delicious.

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I finished watching Game of Thrones Season 2. Very satisfying. Now I look forward to seeing season 3 and still hanging out for Sons of Anarchy Season 5 which is not available here so means I will have to think hard about buying from Amazon.

I spent a long time in the garden today, shovelling compost and spreading it to all my favourite plants. Will be a nice boost. I got rather tired and then realised I hadn't eaten in 5 hours, so no wonder I was getting weak. It was a lovely windless day (day 4 of no wind which is unusual).

Last night I lit all my lanterns and lit the brazier fire with all my branches and kindling. The night was so calm and peaceful and the lanterns made everything look so beautiful and romantic.

I went out with Lyn to the Open Mic Sit down comedy club at Stones Corner Hotel. We had a lovely time.

I kind of wish I had gone out tonight as well, but it's 11.09 pm so perhaps a bit late to hit the city. I have plans with Sarah tomorrow night so go out so that should be fun!

7 June 2011

I had a sore throat all day, now a stuffed nose so hoping this is just an allergy and not beginning of a nasty cold. I have been snoozing and snuggling in bed to keep warm. Bella and Penny and Zulu love it when we snuggle all day.

I spent a short time in garden, stirring through the compost bin. I really need horse manure but without a car I can't get any. Damn.

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Looking forward to Sunday's Mad Hatters' Society meet up. West End will never be the same again!

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I've been enjoying my almost unbearable Lightness of Being...any Lighter and I'd have transformed and flown away lol…but being slowly brought back to my usual state of grungy Blahness which is ok...more normal I guess. I have got good stuff to look forward to, so lots of happiness to attain yet!

7 June 2010

I did not feel good today but soldiered on regardless only to find out my fabulous and wonderful Doctor has retired due to ill health. I so knew today was going to be a shit day when I woke up feeling lousy. Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons