Memories: 5 May 2025

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Lmao. I wrote in the hashtags on 23rd April 2023 “cover me in kisses” then I met a much too young aboriginal man who was sweet and kind and generous on 28th May and he did indeed keep kissing my cheek and massaged my skin cancer scars (which freaked me out a bit!). So I must be a bit psychic or something cos that came true very suddenly!

Dare I go dancing tonight?! It’s a full moon, a lunar eclipse, Samhain and my protector/muse/guardian of the crossroads has been Busy….Papa Legba! I honour you but please be gentle with your Little one!

I worked hard on projects today. A Jack Daniel’s is in order. One for you and one for me. I love you Honey but please don’t bring me men young enough to be my sons..even though Cecil was delightful!

Also a huge thank you to Lyn for feeding me so well today! (As she often does, also my earthangel xxx). Goddess Bless!

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5 May 2022

Yesterday I had my debrief. I told my psychiatrist that I have been feeling physically unwell now for several months, which feels like dying, yet in spite of my agonies, shortness of breath and exhaustion I still pushed myself out into the world last Friday night and went dancing. He asked if I had been triggered by any nastiness there?

I replied that I had had a lovely time and everyone had been quite lovely and I even met a nice man around 2:30 am and we sang “American pie” together!

But my malaise was Intensified by the fight with my neighbour down the road followed by feeling very unwell and drained of energy.

I told him I often fall in a heap after a long period of fierce trauma activation: fighting or fending off enemies.

He said many of his other patients are feeling the same way.

I told him we are all exhausted and traumatised by the Covid paradigm and he replied that we are all “languishing”. Not seriously clinically depressed but sub-par.

Languishing in the shadowlands waiting for the next big onslaughts as we have had no respite from the Covid, the flooding, then war in Ukraine and even the protracted public display of my much beloved Johnny Depp’s ugly defamation case is another ghastly horror to keep us all out of balance.

Languishing! That is the accurate word to describe it. So now we must reclaim our former equilibrium and return to the business of attempting to Thrive again. Never letting the bastards grind us down.

Then I took Bobo and Charley for a walk. I pushed myself and broke into a sweat which told me my lungs were not operating well enough. My next neighbour Timsa drove past me and slowed his vehicle and stared pointedly, so I waved at him gaily and he very happily waved back.

I walked along Cavendish road then back down Turquoise Street. Little Koko heard us walking across the street and barked joyously. Her owner yelled at her to shut up even though he would have known it was me going past. Awful! The poor little dog has no comprehension of adult human “Cold Wars”.

It made me feel quite sick actually. But on I walked to the relative peace and safety of my own home. By now really struggling for breath and sweating from the early autumn humidity. Humid in May? Say what?!

I will have to take things easy for the next two days so I can gather strength, motivation and audacity to go dancing again this weekend. I will have to build up my stamina and energy reserves.

…

So the madness continues… walking past my former friend/ neighbour’s house (opposite side of the road!) his little dog Koko barks out in her usual greeting. Again he yells at her to stop it. Then runs to the side of the house to yell out at me “Shoo! shoo!” I almost had to laugh. It’s a free country and noone can stop me walking around my local streets.

He is showing serious signs of dementia: aggression, paranoia, and verbally attacking me for no reason but he felt like showing off for his friend’s children. On top of that his 92 yo mother is seriously depressed but he is only focused on designing a beach buggy.

Therefore not giving her the attention she deserves. He is on the cusp of putting her into a Home which might actually be a good thing. It’s a grave concern. But not my circus not my monkey. I worry about his dog and his mother but let go…let god.

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Attention: Queensland Government, Department of Housing, local members of parliament.

Today I decided to ring Housing Maintenance to get two small jobs fixed. What a farcical run around! The first man spoke in tangential circles and was so arrogant and condescending that I hung up on him.

I rang the dept housing at Buranda who informed me that they don’t deal with maintenance issues (the left hand claims not to know what the right hand does but it’s the same fucking department ?! ) so I either have to call maintenance back or write an email.

I called back. This time the man (a different one) was much more professional but it ended with him putting me on hold while the “system” decides when or if they are going to undertake the two repairs in my kitchen! He left me on hold for so long that I hung up in disgust. (It usually takes two weeks!)

This with the utter weirdness a few weeks ago of Maintenance sending an inspector to allegedly check for my “asbestos fences” which are in fact steel wire fences (more gaslighting and lies in their part).

Frankly it’s obvious that I am being targeted as they don’t want to spend money on the upkeep of my home as they want to sell the land to developers. (I had them doorknocking last week also)

So this does not make me feel at all safe or comfortable in my home but I have been dealing with their greed, corruption, abdication of roles and general disrespect and blatant misogyny for 19 years now.

I should write to my local member of parliament as he admitted Buranda housing is one of the worst offices to deal with.

Draconian discrimination against trauma survivors/women and no doubt my NZ accent gives them “permission” to give me the run around for basic rights of maintaining my home too?!

It’s no wonder people give up, end up homeless or just burn their houses down. The constant battling for basic Maintenance is INSANE making.

I could blame the zombie apocalypse aka Covid epoch for this poor form but I have been struggling with them for 19 years (of even date!)

The nastiness over my fishponds in 2019. Prior to that the nastiness when they installed new fencing.

The roofers who threw roof nails everywhere which 9 years later I am STILL finding in my lawns or garden.

I mean What the fuck?!!!!

Plus they needed to paint my house like 10 years ago but that has never happened.

But instead this government willfully and dangerously sells off housing stock to developers and sends older people into waiting rooms of death (aged care facilities or one bedroom homes) to stare at four walls until we die of grief/trauma/ or dementia without even once having a lovely adventure.

Persecuted from cradle to grave because we ended up poor and disenfranchised because we refused to play the government game of “rape or die”.

We dared to delight in our gardens that we cultivated with our bare hands, and spend thousands of dollars of our pension money so we can feel free and happy but ask for a fucking tap to be fixed and we are treated like vermin. End of rant!

It won’t change anything because noone cares. I am not sure I even care anymore. It’s too ridiculous, absurdist and sadistic.

5 May 2020

This evening I created a Sigil “I am in a loving faithful romantic passionate relationship”. I wrote it on the new pendant Crystal gave yesterday for my birthday that she had made specifically for me to draw on Sigils.

I activated it by singing it as a mantra, while drumming. I burnt the paper I wrote it on. Now to let go of it and let the Magic happen.

I had my hair done at Kylie’s today. A happy day although I am feeling exhausted.

It was lovely to see Jarrod and Crystal yesterday! Crystal surprised me. I had an intuition she might come along too! :-)

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5 May 2019

Alas ‘tis true but I remained Silent for too long in the face of extreme abuse so now my screaming is the Aleph. Immutable and silent only in the mouth of G-d!

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Memories (like the blackened corners of my mind. Patinated silver spoonfuls of castrated bitterness...and triumph!)

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The spirits seethe and squirm and writhe, plucking at my soul for forgiveness. They follow me and haunt me, taunt and tease me.

But I shall not forgive until there is complete rectification, restitution, healing for my mind body soul, in status and reputation.

The unholy terrorists who got away with so much abuse but still dare to seek me out, addicted to my sweet unconditional love, burning like congealed eels on my turgid flame can know this. What once was gifted with goodness and the naïve hope of kindness which was returned with contempt and utter evil.

There will be no forgiveness. No peace for you. For I have walked through hell and back, forever marked by the stain of torments unasked for, undeserved.

I need not fear the Judeo-Christian Hell for their prophets and sycophants already dragged me through it.

The Bitch came back. In full glory.

Forgive?! Forgive.... maybe. When my enemies have tasted the same humiliations, betrayals, suffering, and come to me in true grace to beg my indulgence. We shall see. But not this life. Not now.

I heal myself and I grow more beautiful and peaceful. You can only kill me once, Motherfuckers, yet you tried a thousand different ways. But not today.

Today I resume the Blooming. The tuning to the music of the spheres and verily verily I call upon the Wrath of G-d on those who sought to destroy me.

You know where they are. Sending out doppelgängers and bogeymen and simple savage traitors. In a kaleidoscope of deluded denuded falsity. Illusion. Not just smoke and mirrors. There really is a Mage behind the curtain. Beware the feckless fumbling.

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10:13 am What a glorious morning! The sun is shining, there is a little zephyr stirring the leaves in the trees and I do observe them Smiling. The crows are fossicking in the lawn and calling out to each other.

I have not had quite enough sleep after my night of dancing and performance art (my silly movements to each song with gestures I make up lmao). At times I could feel a supercharging power surging through my body (adrenaline rush from too much exercise on my sluggish overweight slowly-dying body).

I arrived in a fury (determined to stamp down the ghosts of unrequited lovers who constantly haunt me - both the living and the dead!) My ire soon tamped down into subliminal obliteration with the first few songs and after that the inevitable high that comes from Dancing on stilettos in agony and hypervigilantly scanning my environment (a necessity after 8 years of weird stalkerish creeps and attacks on my person!)

Some guy decided late in the evening to have a go by hounding me as I returned from a brief toilet break. I clicked my fingers in his face (he was literally beside me in my peripheral vision and thought I did not know he was there.

So he leaped in front of me in my “spot” blocking me so I glared at him and waved my arms at him to move along. Not interested in weirdos. Fuck, by now I have a PHD in Weirdo!!!

So he looked at me quizzically and drunkenly but saw I was serious and fucked off out of my face very quickly. So just trying to feel his oats and try to tear me down but not really malevolent.

I looked up at the security guard (they rarely have my back anyway) and our eyes met and we both had a little giggle. Yeah, baby. No one fucks with The Tanya.

Not because anyone actually protects me but because I am a powerful ( and fortunately deemed crazy) motherfucker who is incapable of letting anyone, even one I loved very much from riding my spirit. Seriously. Enough already.

So the night progressed without incident and I surpassed my fourth wind which came early as I had no drinks and was on my own pure energy source. I left at 2 am. Mama T is getting a bit frail but I won’t let that stop me just yet.

Antonio came up and asked why I was angry with him? Ew. Like he doesn’t know how fucking stalkerish and vile and creepy it was to put me on Facetime video and show me to my former obsessed friend.

I saw her face and just felt sick to my core. Sick he would be a willing henchman for these creepy fucktards. No fucking respect and no boundaries.

I asked him rhetorically, why I would be angry with him? I have no interest in him at all. He went pale and ran like a rabbit. I think he knowsssss why I might be angry.

Yes Tanya!… but honestly these people who abuse and debase and try to control me are just a waste of my energy which is reserved only for myself and the few rare birds who actually love and/or respect me.

Something good came out of my long illness after all. Finally respecting my own Will and my own body enough to thrive, to jive and let the fuckery take itself out.

The old joke “they tried to kill me, I won, let’s eat/dance/be merry!”

So here I sit in my garden of delights, protected by the Fae and a multitude of gods and the Holy One (of course!) Musing on my raison d’être, feeling sublime. I am glad to be home in my house that cost me relationships with superficial lying fucks because I was deemed too dirt poor and not quite good enough.

For several years I felt shamed by those creeps but I realise now that I am the richest, most powerful being right now. I own my own shit, I worked hard to survive and those that were so spiteful and envious of my heart and soul have slunk like the filthy pigs they truly are, into the night.

So now they can only haunt me, taunt me or flaunt me. But it is a game they play alone as I have taken back the reins in my own life and no one will ever unseat me again.

I watched the “spy” for a long time last night. Interesting he showed up. I almost felt pity for him. A man so gutless and soulless and empty that he would spy for a former lover. I noted his hunched shoulders and poor posture and his innate insecurity.

No doubt a long time abuse survivor too. But it takes courage to choose NOT to become our own monstrous parents or their vile programming. To rise above it. To be better or if not better…different. Kinder. Stronger. More honourable. Yes. It is a great pity. A shanda.

But who am I? What am I without my rage and foibles and a deep love that burns me down and makes me weak and pathetic and eviscerates me?

Richie asked me for the thousandth time if I am a lesbian or bi? I replied that I am asexual and celibate for very good reasons. But he watched as women came to demand a dance with me and I (eventually) danced with one!

He thought it was about sexuality but it was actually about her attempt to dominate me. She twirled me like a doll on a music box. She was so drunk she could barely stand but there was strength in her.

Dominate me, Bitch! In your dreams! But I let her have her moment. Every woman needs to feel powerful and beautiful and free. Sometimes I choose to facilitate this. (Giggles!)

Richie was a tad put out as he found her very attractive and she smelt divine. She had a lovely perfume on. It was a refreshing change from the usual stench of stale period blood or sweat or other unfathomable unwashed proletariat!

A good night after all!

...

Richie made me laugh tonight. He said “We are Special”.

I replied “We are Specialists for sure”.

He asked “Don’t you think we are Special?”

I replied “Everyone is special or unique but you and I are just Ordinary”.

He grinned impishly. I continued “With a little Extra thrown in for good measure!”

He replied “No one Fucks with you Tanya! I really respect you”.

I replied “Ooh they fucked with me...they fucked with me for decades! Now...I am no longer interested in the Fuckery. I have become a Hard woman at last”.

He nodded sagely.

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3:12 am home from a good night of dancing. Exhausted but content.

Today marks the 16th anniversary of moving into my housing commissions house. It is the longest time I have ever lived in a home. My only real home, in fact.

I am grateful for a roof over my head even if I don’t own it. For Sacred Space. For the earth beneath my feet.

For true lovers and true friendships and “family”. For my beautiful animals and for my soul kin.

I am grateful for my indomitable spirit too. I am grateful for a body that although older can still dance, and resonate with emotions and inspire my soul to blossom each and every day.

Happiness is an inside job. Light it up and watch its glow bedazzle.

Time to schluff. Be well. Be happy. Be you!

Kelly Anne: 2.5 in mine. Wish I had that much security.

Me: Kelly Anne I only have this because I live in Housing Commission. A Serbian gp advocated for me back in 2002 as he recognised my level of trauma and my sleep apnoea and I was at high risk of being homeless after being harried out of many homes by ex bf’s and my family. One of my few decent doctors in my life! (I had been on the waiting list since 2000 and was given this house to rent on 5 May 2003). It was miraculous!

I am grateful to be here. Even to still be alive although that feels constantly tenuous as I age and with my health issues.

But without the safety and reasonable stability of this home and garden I would have died years ago. As it is...I almost didn’t make it in 2015.

But every day I am striving to make my life beautiful and still hold great and oftentimes delusional hopes for my future.

But a future is built on the bricks and dust of the old life and I had wayyy too many ground zeros.

Still this year so far I have opened up new levels in my creativity which has both surprised me and gifted me great hope!

5 May 2017

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Wow! Just had a call from a lady I met at a charity place where I occasionally access food. I met her several months ago and at first had no idea who was calling me and thought it was another scammer or telemarketer so was a bit perfunctory at first.

She rang to inform me that there has been so much excess food the charity has had to throw it away (grrrr). So I will get down there next week and try my luck. I went there a month ago and got very little after having to wait 2 hours. So hmmmm.

But it was lovely this lady thought to ring me. She would have called me on Tuesday but she could not find where she stored my number. Lol!

Anyway it would appear that getting rid of that last horcrux might have been the beginning in an improvement in my luck. I met this woman only twice so barely know her.

How kind and thoughtful is she to share the information about the abundance at the charity venue? (I think it was only due to the long weekend public holidays so will revert to the same slow drip but hey, I am genned up for next time!)

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Beautiful day! Charlie is outside, Charlie-ing around, eating rock melon and apple. I have him on the new lorikeet food so hopefully his feathers grow back.

Beauregard is being The Beau. The Tanya is doing what she does best: hanging from the Sephirot hoping for a beautiful life and a wonderful ending to her tumultuous life-story.

She has however, stopped dreaming long enough to clean all the fighter fish bowls so now we have 4 very happy Siamese fighter fish living their Dream.

The cats are being, well, how can we put this delicately, CATTTTSSSSS. Mushu came home long enough for a Cheshire Cat impersonation, smiling his fat belly into oblivion then ran off to his other humans no doubt.

The hens laid 2 eggs today. Getting 2 per day now so that is good. The goldfish are thriving. De mama is surviving. All is ok. Could be better but ok is good enough.

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I slept well apart from some ptsd nightmares this morning before awakening about Terry and Gila. Evil bastards that traumatised me and my children.

I wonder what caused me to dream of them? This is old stuff from 1997-2000. My brain is constantly shredding old traumas and throwing them back up to me on a backlit silver screen in my mind.

They are the last of my Brisbane abusers still living and yes, the Holy One has His own timing. I don't know why they should be in my dreams now. But I guess I shall find out in due course.

The universe never leaves any part of it without conscious awareness and no right or evil deed goes unseen (except by mortals who choose to deceive and allow abuse and cruelty to continue to perpetuate as they must enjoy it).

To my voyeurs who have sat back and knitted through my many and varied torments, or who have actively participated I ask you " Are you having fun yet?!!!".

My angels and protectors grin impishly. They truly have my back. Re-processing my brain and healing my body, mind and spirit after every fresh onslaught and after a lifetime of Hell.

That my friends, lovers and countryfolks is Faith. Mana. Love. Hope.

The Psychedelic Dreamer dreams. But She peels the rose-coloured shards from her blue-green eyes and truly sees that the dream is eternal and there are dreams behind the Dreaming.

Only flesh knows its own mortality and brief sojourn on this planetary reality. Knows its own ghastly decay and strives to leave its own souvenirs and memorials.

Here is a ring of status and power. Chipped and devalued and cast aside as a bad reminder of false manipulated love. A gift that became a poison that ate at my soul and I could not relinquish it without some degree of pain and sorrow as it had once been a token of esteem, or recognition of what was once a young girl's vision and a young girl's promise but became sullied, accursed and brutalised.

Decades after my divorce the occasional partner was still envious of that ring. Why? Or was it envy of myself and my endurance and my capacity to love that they spurned into betrayal and hatred and deception.

Why do they fear to love me truly and kindly and deeply? The Tanya, the Blessèd Survivor, the goddess. The fragile mature woman of light and love and humour but also of Fury, Fight and tumour.

Blessed Be my true loves who know me and love me anyway and fuck the rest. Nothing left to hold me to the past or even this planet. Valueless trinkets cannot compensate for Soul, Heart or the Eternal Bliss. I can hardly wait!

5 May 2016

Lyn helped me buy food yesterday. So tonight I am making a big spaghetti bolognese and roasted potatoes and sweet potatoes. Later I will make something sweet as I am craving chocolate but decided to spend the money wisely on fruit and vegetables (I already had mince in the freezer).

Jarrod bought and cooked dinner for me on Monday. Lyn and Peter fed me yesterday (and today and next few days). I am very grateful to my beautiful and generous friends who are always willing to help me out.

I am going out tomorrow night because Jo offered to pick me up and bring me home as I have no petrol or money until pension day.

I just feel so amazed and humbled at all the love and support I am given each and every day. Thank You. xxx

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I missed out on seeing Uncle Boydie yesterday. The indigenous man who took a petition up against Hitler after Kristalnacht. One of the only private citizens in the world to care to stand up to Hitler.

I was feeling very ill and disassociative. Mind fog, exhaustion. I visited Lyn then stayed on for dinner and our comfortable fire.

Today I saw that some of the organisers are my enemies. After decades of friendship. So just as well I missed the event. I am not well enough to put myself in danger.

Lyn Sloane: The door.

Me: Yes I realised I get very sick (anxiety, disassociation, heavy depression) on the day I am planning to attend communal functions.

Which is why attending the Tzedek event was a hugely courageous determined thing for me. As usual I was shunned by the so-called communal stalwarts. Even asked who I was and what was I doing there?

Stared at malevolently by one of my biggest enemies. Lol. But G-d's work (fighting for fellow survivors of abuse, in particular CSA) means I could not fail to attend. Hashem moves me in mysterious ways.

Straight into the Lion's Den or Vipers' nests. But I need to remember. I have been hated here for 28 years for no damn good reason. Falsely accused of so much evil shit (including being a Nazi).

One of my shules even attempted to boycott my elder daughter's Bat Mitzvah and my Rabbi had to intercede on my behalf. So now I am also a survivor of Brisbane Jewry. Scapegoated, lied about, slandered. But I am on my journey to thrive and no man/woman/child can bring me down.

For those who have damaged me are paying their karma and those who loved, defended and supported me know I know what they did for me and even more... G-D Knows! The ones who turned vicious at the end, after I failed again and lost everything for the second time in my life then dropped me as I will never meet their elitist snobbish standards, well, I still remember their good deeds towards me. Only insanity or malicious liars could have turned them against me. It hurts like hell but the truth is out there. They will realise one day.

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I woke up at 1.40 pm. Now sitting in my garden, eating Turkish life with olive oil and zatar for breakfast. One of my crows is watching me.

It is a beautiful day. I went to bed tired, woke up tired. My joints in my legs ache. Bloody arthritis.

My veins are up in my legs. I haven't felt well in a long long time. But life goes on as usual.

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1.35 am. I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Lyn. She cooked a yummy chicken schnitzel dinner with mashed potatoes, and carrots and beans. Yum!

Later we built a fire in her chimenea and sat and read cards and chatted. It was very relaxing.

Beauregard spent a fair bit of time attempting to lick cane toads (dangerous!) and annoying the hell out of Puppy. Finally he settled down by the fire but when it was time to leave he took off on her acreage. I had to start the car and pretend I was leaving without him.

The sound of his four paws galloping on the cold damp closely cut lawn was spooky. Like the headless horseman only, well...doggy!

5 May 2014

I am feeling very tired, and cold. Might eat something and go back to bed. It's midnight.

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They say "one door closes and another one opens". So last night I kicked down a security door between one person and myself and we both got a warm welcome. The Security door is still flapping in the breeze but I know it will eventually be unhinged.

Meanwhile another friend keeps putting his door back up and I ponder what has changed in our friendship? There is room in my life and heart for all my friends and 'lovers'. You have had to share me before and I have never abandoned those who truly love me, sexual or non-sexual, male or female.

It's the Love I value, and the sense of family, belonging and the long timers should know that by now. Please rejoice with me, even as I let new people into my life.

You were once, new, and we had to navigate many circumstances and situations and many emotions to gain the patina of trust and deep abiding empathy and strong friendship we have shared for decades. If you truly want to leave my life, for whatever reason, then tell me.

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5 am. Not sleeping. I am replete with an abundant overflowing of love such that I am incapable of sleep.

I am in love, with Life, my wonderful friends, my daughter (my very first passion), my cats, Ramon, the hens, the goldfish, the garden. The universe! Perhaps I am mad! Perhaps...Just finished a good book. "Music and Silence". Satisfied. Happy. Complete.

5 May 2013

I could have danced all night! So I did! When you are lonely, bored, a bit confused and disappointed. Keep dancing your life, your angst, your regrets and transmute into Joy!

Music enlivens the husky threshened Soul and dancing enlivens the body!

That's nice! I am fucking crippled in both my feet! Happy Woman!

Walking to my car which I left at Crystal's and loving the silent early morning and the solitude after the frenetic dancing and drunk dodging :-)

5 May 2011

I've been incredibly domesticated ie good. I've steam mopped the lounge, hallway, bathroom and vacuumed same. Now only bedrooms and kitchen to go. Phew, I'm knackered but it's nice to have a clean space for a change.

Oh and I cooked a Roast Chicken with apricot, cranberries, lemon myrtle, rosemary and garlic. Awesome!

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I only got up at midday and by 4 pm my mood had a serious slump, and I'd spent most of the day pottering in the garden, so I'm surprised to actually get real housework done! Real progress! Woohoo!

Michelle Sklow Stevens: I am coming for left over chicken.Hope you saved some.

Chicken was amazing! I'm such a terrible cook (ie phobic about cooking) that I expected it to be a disaster but it was delicious indeed and I’m very proud of myself. Now if I could do that with every meal, be confident in my abilities etc I could actually invite people for dinner. LOL. (That's a huge curveball - dinnerparties). I might succeed one day lol!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons