Memories: 4 September 2025

4 September 2025

7:34 am another breathing backslide. There is no logic to this at all! I had such a lovely day yesterday. A wonderful debrief with my doctor. Gifts of chairs! Then a lovely visit with Belinda and Bill, another gift of a better quality spinning wheel and a lazy Kate! A lovely dinner.

So why are my lungs behaving badly? Jitterbugging around like screaming cats on hot tin roofs? I don’t know. But yesterday was lovely, and I was suffused in so much kindness and support. A blessèd gift!

I have amazingly wonderful friends!

Jarrod is coming with me to either Springbrook or Mt Tambourine. Rain is forecast for Sunday so if it holds off…Springbrook to visit the fae tree again. If rainy, Mt Tambourine cos we can walk about and look at the shops with umbrellas. I am so looking forward to our adventure. I haven’t seen him for 6 weeks!

On Friday afternoon Robyn and Peter and little Koko are visiting and I am excited about that too, as I don’t see them very often either.

So after long months of an isolated holding pattern there is a sudden burst of activity and connectivity! All in one week. It’s delightful!

So my sleep apnoea and intransigent ornery lungs can take a running leap and just…Behave! I have much happiness to luxuriate in. It’s awesome!

Spring is gifting us all new beginnings, new hope, joy and delight. I am so happy! Finally to be blossoming and unfurling my creativity again, after a long cruel complicated grief.

Thank the gods for All my true courageous stoic loving friends who gift me so much love and support!

Blessèd Be.

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https://www.facebook.com/share/1Ei68hisQR/?mibextid=wwXIfr

https://www.facebook.com/share/1D2N8ZrrxQ/?mibextid=wwXIfr

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My memories are a mixed bag of triggering and sweet delights today. Jarrod reminded me yesterday that they often re:trigger me. But they are also valuable resources, recordings of my soul’s journey, my survival to thriving….a long lonely arduous journey.

So I keep them precious regardless of the pain that seeps out and gets transmuted. It takes fortitude, courage and stoicism to look at each evil event right in the eye of its storm and never quaver nor quake from the truth of it…then to blossom, unfurl and Become.

Bolder, nobler, searingly honest and yes…rediscover those broken parts and whistle them home and Love all of us again. Integrated, fully emanated, grown. Shining bright in our own pestilential sequential incoherent yet carefully reconstructed darkness…and Light! Hold your line…People of Earth. We’ve got this!

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https://youtube.com/shorts/ghwsg9dvkII?si=fCveSX3xZv-EqTcR

4 September 2024

Another lovely day. I spent the day making my daily vlog for YouTube and reading “The Last Unicorn” by Peter Beagle.

Then I had my debrief with my psychiatrist. He told me I am sabotaging my friendship. I concurred. I said I felt happy about it though.

I am actively choosing freedom rather than a soul trap with someone who does not appear to be being truthful with me. I abhor fakes and liars and men who lead a woman up the garden path then push her into the abyss.

In the meantime I will just keep dancing as I have always done for 14 years. No matter what…my dance must continue. Even if it means I remain alone for the rest of my life.

4 September 2023

I had another lovely day, spent with Lyn and her daughter Danni. Lyn gifted me a telescope and a pair of binoculars. Also a pair of boots from her youngest daughter, Tracey. I feel very loved and spoilt!

4 September 2021

I just observed an Indian miner bird having a bath in Charley’s bath! Cute! I need to fill up the bird bath (old shower stall) that I give them to swim in in summer.

4 September 2020

I have had a few lovely days. Today I listened to a podcast about of all things: Exorcism while cleaning all my window tracks and the inside of my windows.

Then in the afternoon I took Bobo and Charlie for a walk. Margot drove up to me with the two little ones in the back. We stopped to chat. She was going to Dan Murphy’s to buy some whiskey for her Dad for Fathers Day. I offered to come with her. So we dropped the dog and bird home and I grabbed my handbag.

Margot bought me a small bottle of Jack Daniels which was rather a lovely unexpected surprise. Then we went back to her place and they invited me to stay for dinner. Rosie their Labrador puppy was so excited to see me, she kept leaping up and kissing me.

It was gorgeous. When I left, the kids both gave me a hug and I went to leave without saying a proper goodbye to Rosie. Margot said she looked disappointed. So I went up to her and said “Goodbye Rosie, would you like a cuddle?!”

She leapt up and wrapped both paws around my head and gave me a lovely doggy kiss. I felt so very loved that ancient brittle parts of my heart actually melted! Margot drove me home which was very cute too, as I only live half a block away!

Yesterday my darling Lyn visited me too and we sat in the garden and chatted happily. She too spoiled me with lovely chocolate biscuits and toffees and Turkish delight and vanilla wafers.

Today we spoke and she told me my house feels very peaceful now. I am so happy. After so much horror it feels almost miraculous to be surrounded with so much love, peace and happiness. This has been something I literally prayed for most of my life...since early childhood.

Margot told me tonight that she often sees me sitting in my garden with my cup of tea surrounded by my pets and how contented I look.

I laughed. I said it has been a long time coming and a long journey to get to this “sacred space” of heart and mind. But I am satisfied and grateful for my life now.

4 September 2019

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I have been feeling depressed and experiencing a post-traumatic response to recent attacks about my fishponds. I am feeling very vulnerable as I cannot thrive or be financially independant or free of the disability pension or housing commission (which was supposed to gift me with safety and serenity after a severely traumatic life!)

I have not been able to find a life partner to choose me each and every day and be with me (due to my trauma issues and poverty). No man wants me. Only my dear friend Jarrod who is my brother in every way is there for me.

So I have had fluttering and feeling suicidal again as my life is so hopeless. Just constantly stuck in the same groove, waiting for new monsters to arise and take bites out of my core. It never takes long before a new attacker comes along.

I am so tired of this evil bullshit. So very very tired.

But I looked out at the morning sun just now. I saw the same warmth and effulgence that shines on this earth no matter what. On my abusers and on those who stood by me through thick and thin. I thought....That sun does not discriminate. It does not yield. It is eternal. It rises and shines on every horizon.

Blazing its glory until we mere mortals close our eyes in this reality and open them in the next dimension. Who am I to blow against the wall? The winds of change nourish me and whisper....you have come a long way and your life is of value, if only to we unseen ones.

Why else did we cast you back to earth when you had the perfect opportunity to fade to black and exit this stage this grotesque parody of existence? We know you know that your light is here for a reason. 5 and half decades. Don’t give up!

But yeah....whatever.

4 September 2018

4 September 2017

Harvey with (Aunty) Mama T. Bobo got jealous so had a cuddle with Jarrod. Funny guys!

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I don't ever diet. My body knows how to heal Itself. I trust in her ability to choose Life. My appetite increased over the non-winter period we have had. I have gained a few kilos. I am not worried. The weight will

Stabilise when I get past the chronic back pain and grief I am currently experiencing. I RELEASE excess weight. Losing makes your body feel you have to replace what was taken from it.

My dad practised intermittent fasting which resets the immune system and aids in excess weight release. I might give that a go next time I feel overburdened with excess baggage.

But I know I am strong, and capable of living in reasonably good health. Dancing has helped keep me physically toned. Albeit I have had to cut back due to exhaustion and back pain. All good. This is just one of my seasons of irksome discontent. It shall Pass.

4 September 2016

The Universe, well She, lifted her voluminous skirts and She rained down upon me. Blessings and Curses, abusers and tormentors, liars cheats and thieves. Thunder and lightning, and sunshiny days with heat enough to fry an egg on the pavement. My soul has gravel rash, my heart has held strong with duct-tape and its sycophantic liar called Hope.

The Universe keeps pissing in my pocket, pouring pain and pleasure into the seams of my garment. The Stitch in Time saves nine, but hell is in the handbasket and I have cut my cloth accordingly and torn my shirt lapel and screamed Deals with the Most High and belched forth desecration amidst the lowest of the Low.

I rise and shine, to dine upon the glut and the morose excesses of my Age. The Age of Pisces, flopping like a dying fish and the sweet smell of Aquarius with Her penchant for pendulous Celestial Airs. Awakening the dross and the confused and the lost, soothing and healing the abused, restoring and reviving the Muses and the Amused.

She pisses in my pocket, promising my Time shall come. My Suffering done and I am held high on the invincible arms of unfeted prophets, of friends and lovers of Truth, Justice, Beauty and the Milky Way.

Death blows me a kiss from the corner of my circus caravan. She is no longer old and grey, nor fearsome but forever young, regal and dignified. A glow of inevitability seeps through her skin. She loves me, Lady Death, we have danced so often and so long, yet still she sends me spiralling through the graveyard of my life.

Life. Laughs in the face of my misery, my stoic mortality. He sends me gifts of synchronicity and tests my integrity. I bleed, I bleed and I seed my soul with enough stories for a thousand more lifetimes, enough wisdom to make a giantess of a Fool of myself.

I laugh and I cry. I sing and I dance, I gave way too much and I got something back. Not always the plan, or reward or the Sword of Damocles that cuts both ways.

Solomon Cried a thousand tears and babes were born to be fought for. The war is done, the battle remains so the clarion call is a silent scream from the Aleph of the Ein Soph Aur.

The Universe closed her legs and the Light was Hidden but never lost. The celestial rain will fill our Void and the salty grain be baked into hard-boiled bread, the stuff of Dreamers and Mystics and Muses.

Copyright Tanya Desiree Arons (psychedelic dreamer)

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Happy Father's Day to those of us worthy of being called Father. Fuck off to the rest. Bloody bollocking commercialism.

But there are/were good fathers in my life. Other people's. Even then, so very flawed.

G-d bless them all.

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If I could describe my passion for life. My zesty jesty lust for life in one word, today I would say: Voracious. Not from a place of lack nor from a desire of greed. But to gobble it down, joyously, fulsomely.

Inhale and internalise all the gloss and glitter, the delicious and most satiating. Voracious love for life. I eat too much. Love too much. Die to myself too often. Talk too much. Think too much. Too much for some. Never enough for others.

Too fat, too strong, too opinionated. Shut up. Get down, stay down, die! But I get up again. Look my abusers past and current, in the eye. Beauty in the eye of the Beholder.

Knowledge threaded through the eye of a needle in the eye of a storm, with a clarity of the ages in pisspots of bloodshot blood curdled eyeballs. Blind no more.

Voracious! Bodacious! Audacious! Joyous.

Hungry Mama. Hungry child. Replete but not defeated. Take your place at the Table of the King. Eat drink and be Merry. For tomorrow...is not here yet.

4 September 2015

I just had a lovely long chat with a 'person of my interest'. Just what I needed. Now I know he is a friend so I won't let my heart go jumping hurdles and tear away on me but it's nice to have a pleasant funny chat with the subject of your affections at times.

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Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, csa, systemic abuse.

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I have set before you Blessings and curses, therefore Choose Life. People fear the truth. They live under the oppressive rule of people who are corrupt and evil. When we speak out against psychopathology and corruption we are silenced or fear being silenced.

Thousands of years of anti-semitism, living in ghettoes and insular communities means even as Jews we still fear standing up to evil-doers in our own Jewish community.

Several victims, including myself have been falsely accused of Defamation. Just for saying we have grave concerns for the protection and safety of our children. We who survived that particular Curse in our childhoods are guilty only of PTSD-type hyper-vigilance.

The trite little jewish joke of "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat" is not funny enough anymore. Every time a victim is persecuted or silenced, the abusers open a chasm in their slowly closing abyss of criminal acts against children, of Destroyers of Lives by forcing us into standing by idly while we watch ourselves bleed out our psycho-sexual pain from decades of abuses.

Not just the child sexual abuse but all the other abuses that ran concurrent and the never-ending Cascade of Abuse that resulted in suicides, or drug addiction, or failure to Thrive, Achieve or even have any firm loyal family relationships or failure to have loving partnerships.

Every time a victim is silenced, vilified, or persecuted, their abusers, whether an individual or an entire community effectively Murders us. It is a slow cold torture to watch the abuse continue and be sanctioned by the cover ups or by mishandling as happened with the Jewish taskforce in Melbourne.

My comments are often removed. Not because I am wrong or lie but because my impassioned pleas (sometimes curses and prayers to Hashem) cause fear of even more Defamation cases.

3 victims are being sued in Melbourne for speaking their Truth.

"Truth is such a precious creature that she must be protected by a veil of lies". Such is the evil of our time.

I will Not Be Silenced. I almost gave in on 23 August, in protest to violence and systemic abuse but I am still here. Still speaking my truth, still holding on to what is right and just and fair.

If I don't persist to Live my life this way, then I am Dead anyway. An avoidant Void Golem with Emet tattooed on my forehead and a semi-colon worn as a tear under one eye and the Breath of life, a struggle and a foulness of death-like Zombie states. A Cadaverous rotting non-living but non-dead Being.

Been there! Done That! NEXT!

I am a new Creation Now. A Mistress of Light, Love and Truth. I Know Before Whom I Stand and I shall not Fail in my Mission.

Shabbat Shalom!

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I am thinking about the Cognitive Dissonance that led my brave 10 year old sister Angela to organise a petition and a march to the Education department to complain about a female PE teacher who insisted on pulling down children's pants, boys and girl's and hitting them on their backsides or genitals with a ruler. At that time, she was still being sexually abused by Trevor Singh in her home.

Or the cognitive dissonance that led my mother, while studying at night school in Melbourne when I was 11 to write a paper advocating for migrants and explaining the issues that affect the migrant experience. Also her support to fight racism when during classes a lovely Aboriginal woman who was married to a Jew would frequently leave the classroom as she hated being in enclosed areas.

Mum befriended her and I remember visiting her home that had huge conservatoriums so she could always feel as though she was outside even in her home. She gave me a book on the Dreamtime as she knew Mum raised me as a spiritualist so she too, wanted me to learn about aboriginal spirituality.

She explained to my mother that Aboriginal spirituality goes back more that 40 000 years and most of the knowledge is so arcane that only certain Elders are ever taught it. Which with assimilation and the Stolen generation meant so much deeply valuable and sacred lore is lost, or still being lost.

I fell in love with that woman. She had a pink Galah. I never forgot her kindness to me or her deep deep sadness. In her, I found my first soulmate, a survivor. I don't even remember her name or her face but I never forgot what she taught me.

Both she and her husband were outcasts by the Orthodox community. Him, for marrying a “Schwartze Shiksa” (a Black Non-Jewish woman) and she was outcast in her community and family for marrying a Jew, and for marrying "up". They were financially comfortable. A rarity for aboriginal women in the 70's. So they were profoundly lonely in a prejudiced society.

My mother with her cognitive dissonance was also a champion of women's rights. I still remember the day she burnt her bras in a small fire in our deck. I was worried she was going to burn the house down! She was in a rage, her hair everywhere, swearing against men. It was funny but a tad frightening!

She was a staunch Trade Unionist supporter, worked at men's jobs, on the Trams for men's wages, also later a cleaning contract with my paedophile godfather. In her 1974 Will she left everything to me but a portion was to go to Trevor for her share of the business.

Oh the irony. That nearly killed my sister. That she would provide for Trevor and not her. At the end, she screwed us both anyway. She never once fought or rallied for me.

Except when I was dying at 4 of measles and whooping cough ( and then only out of guilt). I am famously quoted as saying, in response to her constant histrionics, rolling my eyes back in my head, febrile, weak and thirsty with swollen eye sockets, in a Darkened rank room, "Don't worry, Mummy! I am not going to die!"

Yet again at 6 when I caught Bacterial Meningitis at Rotorua in the Hot pools and my parents drove for hours and hours screaming at each other all the way.

She never prevented my sexual abuse. She only once intervened in my constant bullying at school, at the time I attended St Kilda Primary School when I was 11 and then only because a horrid little girl used to follow me home and step on the back of my shoes so had ruined them, that and my American teacher told her that I had to be moved as by 11, I was visibly depressed from constantly beating back groups of boys and girls.

I was hastily moved back to Caulfield where I was still bullied but I had friends like Margaret there and a wonderful teacher called Mr Lisis from Mauritius, so black he shone, who wore bright purple shirts and pink ties or vice versa. He was kind and loved all us kids unconditionally and I felt safe and valued with him and he encouraged my writing. Margaret too. She is a Journalist now.

That man was an inspiration. He even inspired a little boy named John suffering grief and rage after his much older brother shot himself in a game of Russian Roulette. We were told to treat him with kindness and gentleness. My heart opened like a vast ocean. The love Mr Lisis gave to us all.

So when I say that I have had a long slow dance, and sometimes a quick-paced violent two-step with Lady Death, I am not even joking. Her sister Lady Luck as been a bane of my existence too. As for Lady Justice...Blech!

Women! Can't Live with them, Can't live without them. It's not the men in my Life that count, it's the Lifeforce of decency, true love and passion in my men.

I have my own cognitive dissonances. I am a Psychedelic Dreamer and a Believer. A dancer, a Warrior. Sometimes an obnoxious pain in the arse. A swearer, a scrapper, a recycler, an animal lover, a gardener and a hard-boiled old Witch.

I dream of True Love (my worst of all mental illnesses) dreaming the improbable dream while spearing Windmills in Quixotic madness, chasing illusions, delusions and ephemeral lovers, on a Nag with No Name, being laughed at by other Storm Riders and what the Actual Fuck, Babies. That is how I roll! Except I do now Rock and Roll my stuff on Shabbes. Mwahahaha.

The Dead are Dancing! :-)

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I am grateful today (well just woke up! ) that due to the Royal Commission into Institutional Child abuse I met so many heroic wonderful warriors, all survivors of Child abuse, all beautiful, loving, amazingly good and kind and decent people who have overcome their oppression and torments in their lives, many from within their own families, others from institutions that harmed them, many who lived with such horror and rage and shame and self-imposed guilt that they lived out their suffering in silence, or worse when they spoke out, their monstrous enablers or abusers or people in society who had a legal and moral obligations to help them, silenced them.

I found my voice, out of a strong determination to break the cycle and protect my own children. I was scapegoated and stymied and the emotional /mental abuse continued up until my enemies died. In my mother's case the abuse raged on in a will dispute 2 and a half years after her death. Such were the evil salacious lies and horror.

I have recently been systemically abused yet again. This time I attempted suicide. The urge to live Free and in peace made me want Death rather than Life that I cherish so very much and have fought to exist for 50 years. Even during the Will Dispute I was suicidal 4 times although did not act on it.

This last attempt was the second time I actually acted on it. The last time was due to trauma from going to assist my mother early 2005 when Buck Scherer was in hospital and he lied and slandered (of course! He wanted her house and money!) and I was falsely accused of ransacking the house, smashing it up and attempting to poison my mother with Valium.

I was so traumatised in the Holland Park Magistrates Court, and a horrible volunteer elderly woman had told me to sit outside the wrong court room, so that I missed my hearing. So Domestic Violence Orders were made against me as I did not appear, even though I waited, in a somewhat distressed and disassociated state outside the wrong court room for 5 hours!!!

Finally I told someone and they quickly ushered me into chambers but the judge, although surprised and embarrassed that I had been there the whole time had already made his decision due to "Failure to appear".

This was the second DVO. My ex husband had made an earlier one in 1995 during our separation saying that I had threatened to shoot him. I don't even own a gun or know how to operate one!

The sergeant who brought the orders told me that police knew it was a ploy by my husband to keep me away from my business. Which my husband then drove into the ground to avoid giving me a decent settlement.

He also committed fraud by selling our business without my signature. He got away with it. I was too traumatised by that entire divorce, the attempt to kill me, the constant threats by my husband and mother that they would take my children, by being launched into dire poverty having my house and business and even a property settlement stolen from me, from the constant fear that my children would be damaged or molested and from my own poor mental health, suffering Major Depression and PTSD (which at that time was not being treated) to fight any more.

Those two Fake DVO's stand on my police record. Even though they are not criminal charges unless you breach them they remain a stain against you. Recently I asked for assistance from Qld Police during another set-up and fracas at the Treasury Casino.

I was again persecuted, harassed, my wrist was bent back twice and almost broken, the same wrist I broke as a child. The police supported the violent bullies at the Casino and fined me $589.

I am sick of this ugly misogynistic fascist State and Country. So sick of living in poverty, constant harassment for being a woman and for being different, strong and outspoken.

So very sick of living at the mercy of psychopaths. So much so that after 50 years of abuse I chose death. Waking up alive in the PA hospital was, in my own words stated to the Nurse, “Well, rather inconvenient”.

But I am still alive. The battle for Love, peace, Righteousness, happiness, survival, thriving, good times and good people ensues.

Thank you to all the Survivors I have met, and my beautiful friends ,who are my core family, Jarrod and Lyn and all the kind souls who love me just as I am and who get me!

Without you, life would have never had any joy or meaning. Without you, I would never have made it to 50 or even to this moment.

L'Chaim! To Life! The good, bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the passionately inspired, the stoicly indifferent, the Lovers, the Warriors. The gods, goddesses. To the Holy One who brought me to this season, to the Angels who sent love and help even as I tried to reject it.

I don't know why I am here. It is not something I want to fight for or cleave to anymore. But I am. It is terrifying, magical, glorious and Mad! But it seems I am wanted and needed by powers beyond my ken, with a warped sense of humour and mud in our eye.

We do or we do not. We live or die with honour, integrity and love held by a very delicate gossamer silver cord, connected to this planet, to each other, to life by bonds that are not easily broken.

Shabbat Shalom! May our lives grow into beautiful art forms that inspire and bring love joy and comfort to others. May our battles make us proud and invincible. May goodness and mercy, compassion, love, follow us all our days and when The Great Master Calls us Home may we find Love Light Peace and Protection at last. Amen!

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9.37 pm. Time to "rattle my dags", get up, dress up, make up and show up and dance up 🙂.

4 September 2014

Mysterious shoe owner found. It was Lucy's. What adventures it has had! Poor shoe, shoe shuffling in and out of the spare bedroom.

Jarrod wanted me to put flowers in it take pics then next night put something else in the shoe and so on, like a Walking Commentary on putting your foot down! Lol. Lucky I didn't! It wasn't the boarders shoe after all but my friend's lmao.

It was a left footed Hustle. Did the Fandango, very very frightening...like a bolt of lightning.

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8.09 pm. Hmmm. Aching legs (stress-related arthritis!)

I have been in garden in my hammock, then potted plants with potting mix I bought today at Aldi. I need to get some pretty seedlings.

I enjoyed getting some actual sunshine on my skin today. I put my alarm for midday and got up then. Not too shabby although I am quite tired now. I will try to shift my circadian rhythm.

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4 September 2013

L'shanah tovah tikateivu u'metucha! To all my Jewish friends and family.

I pray to be inscribed for a Good Year, as I do every year. Let's hope the One who Watches and Waits blesses us all with a happier, peaceful and prosperous time.

Sick today so that is a downer. Been a very poor year health-wise. Out with the Old, in with the New.

Breathe in, breathe out. Rinse and repeat.

4 September 2011

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I slept until 3 pm, finally succumbing to exhaustion after my week of twitterpation, owning my own power or Mana as a Woman again, and yeah, going where others would fear to tread. It took a week for me to come down from that natural high, and it was so very good, I wish I could be happy like that frequently.

Oh well, Life is a series of interesting moodswings, but I really feel like I am discovering wonderful things about myself and my true nature and I'm loving who I am more and more.

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Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

4 September 2010

Just home from the movies with Crystal and Jarrod, to see "Inception", really enjoyed the movie, very thought provoking especially to a psychedelic dreamer like me. Then we went to KFC and back to Crystal's flat to chat. I had a great day today and was in really high mood for most of the day, which is always great fun.

Crystal bought me an MP3 player so I can record my funny observations and crazy stream of consciousness rants. Now they think I'm a narcissist, OH MY! LOL.

So that was a wonderful surprise and I am still totally rapt about my new oven arriving yesterday. So it's been a week of lovely surprises.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons