Memories: 4 October 2025

4 October 2025

8:23 am a much better sleep. I only had to get up once during the night. I have pain low down across my belly which is muscular from bending down slightly and pedalling my spinning wheel. Ouch but productive. Lol.

I am glad I slept last night. Fighting to fall asleep for hours is crazy making.

It’s yet another gorgeous morning.

Shabbat Shalom. Time to greet the morning, give it a hairy leery eyeball and a quick flicker of recognition and wake up the birdy boys.

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10:10 pm exhausted but exhilarated! I finished spinning this beautiful rolag. It’s been an honour and a privilege to work with and I managed to remedy my few mistakes along the way. Now to learn how to ply. I only have two spare bobbins so I need to buy a third one if I want 3 ply. No rush. It’s taken me a few nights to complete this spin.

#titaniasrealm #spinningwool #lilacrolag #beautifultexture #homesteading #lifeskills #textiles #magickhappensatSacredSpace #exhaustedbuthappyandgrateful #mindfulness #ashfordspinningwheelworkslikeadream #proudofmyself :-)

4 October 2024

4 October 2023

I’ve just visited the Mt Gravatt cemetery. I was shocked to see that Benjamin Paratz, an aircraft engineer and pilot, son of Gail and David Paratz died in April last year. He was only 29.

Also Emmanuel Messchers died in April last year.

I had my debrief with my psychiatrist. He’s written a letter to the urologist so hopefully she can see me in the near future. She just got back from a holiday so it will take a few days or weeks before she can book me in, I suppose.

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Here She is…I just need a sterling silver chain to hang her from #titaniasrealm #eucalyptusburl #texturedsterlingsilverwithmoonstone

4 October 2022

11:49 pm I worked at making skull earrings and pendants all afternoon and evening. In preparation for Hallowe’en although my market stall is this Sunday 9th October.

I finally fell into bed with exhaustion to see this very bemused little face! Beauregard is happy to finally be in bed with his Mama T.

4 October 2021

11:11 pm Laila Tov from the Angels, The Tanya, Beauregard and Charley and three glubby goldfish at our Sacred Space garden.

I just finished another scarecrow and pumpkin. Gosh, I am exhausted. It was hellishly humid all day and night.

I am so grateful for the Air conditioning which I had to turn on and off as I was hot one minute then chilled the next.

It’s gonna be uncomfortable in my hot bedroom tonight. If I can’t sleep I will rest on the couch with the air con.

How delightful that I have this immense luxury, thanks to a certain earthangel!

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I’ve been listening to music, while making muesli and occasionally dancing with Charley. Bobo thinks I have gone insane. Perhaps I have.

Now we are lying in the hammock but it’s rather hot out here, so I might have to go back inside.

I need to clean the fishpond filter but that can happen later.

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10:07 am lying in bed, with pain under my right rib cage that I get every morning.

It’s a beautiful morning. Golden light streaming through the garden.

I have this image of a big metal colander. My etheric body, leaking energy through the many holes. But that’s how the light gets in.

I just superimposed that idea with a rigid solid steel bowl, smooth and shining to shore up the leakage. But I don’t like me that way.

I am used to being a vessel of light that sprays my energy interdimensionally like fractalised art, like water pushing its way through a shower head, or a glistening waterfall.

But this leakage is like a dam has broken in the City of the Damned. I have been watching key relationships fragment and drift like icebergs in Antartica.

Ouch!

But my leaky meridians are letting go of dangerous porous mud suckers. Washing me clean. Light, healing all aspects of my life like a focused laser beam.

Balancing out the decay, exposing new growth potential. Parts of me blooming where before there was only stasis and deathlike repose. Like a florid mushroom pushing out of the dross. Eat me? Lmao.

They came, they saw, they stalked, they harassed then they blew themselves up on my puffball Magick.

But I am not dwelling in their Shade or taking their pharmaceutical poisons or eating their dirt anymore.

Life always finds a way!

4 October 2020

I had a nice afternoon at West End Drumming but Mr Beauregard was such an arsehole. He barked at every dog he saw. (Except the nice Greek lady’s dogs who look like his own breed.)

Some nice looking man was checking us out while we were drumming. But he had a pretty Collie dog. Bobo the dog clown almost broke my foot as I had his leash wrapped around it so I could contain him somewhat and drum!

Oh dear.

I might have to leave Beau at home in the future.

4 October 2019

Found this in my notes from almost two years ago. Interestingly I mentioned the fishponds, not knowing at that time they would come under threat which precipitated another breakdown, not long after that last epic awful surgery.

What me worry? My body is still recovering from losing its squally gall (lmao!) then the culling of two of my fish due to their tumours and fear that noone would buy them if I was forced to sell off my fish and so far no further contact from housing about that, but I have a letter from my psych asking that I be allowed to keep my 2 remaining ponds.

So I am keeping the remaining fish in a stubborn rebellion as they deserve to live and flourish and so the fuck do I!!! Then I lost my Betta fish last week. Then today my beloved hen.

The backyard is like a desert after I “compromised” taking down the larger fishpond. Now with Betty’s death there is one less great spirit to rummage around the garden.

I am trying to keep my little family together. Trying to keep my Self together.

3 December 2017: I have loved all my breakdowns. There have been many. Some were cataclysmically terrifying (the life-death-Life experience where I had to decide to continue to live in order to raise my two daughters amidst so much horror/slander/abuse/violations).

Others were a gently rumbling undercurrent (like my current one that has persisted for several months triggered by jaw pain triggered by stalking and so on and so on blah blah blah and my dr wants me to study to manifest a loving partner/success/money and I am not willing to do that (yet, if ever!) as I am tired and worn down and even if I did succeed in gaining a degree I am older now and eminently broken and what would a lover do with me but what they have always done: lie, betray, abuse as even if I were hugely successful financially that would not change who I am.

It would bring me comfort and financial freedom but that gloriously broken miraculous reclaimed woman, The Tanya who has gone through so many reconstructions of her own psyche (and even body) is content with what life brings her. Peace, true loves/friendships, personal satisfaction, the ability to breathe without the constant desire to suicide!

Gifts that I claim with open heart and open hands. Money comes to me from benevolent sources in a rich vein of blessing. But Love and Life? Are a constant but beautiful Struggle.

Like anything worth having/being/knowing it is ephemeral and quickly dissolved in the summer rain or wintry pain.

I can’t keep what does not come to me freely with open hearts and open minds. He comes to kiss my face with a forked tongue and (lol!) bent cock but is not ever mine, that daemon of deception called Love!

I have people around me who lie to me (as I discovered last night). People who love me. People who cannot meet me where I am. People who left me long ago but cleave to the idea of me.

But I stand in my own light and smile and nod as we are all mere travellers in this time and place and nurturers of our own sacred space and I don’t belong to anyone and I like it like that!

Breakdowns are beautiful. Honour them. Gifts of your inner Sacred Space and Mind. Then get on with the living you have yet to be surprised by as Life is a constant spiral. Ups and downs and hurdy gurdy rides.

Right now I am being centrifuged up and out of this existence and I am ok with that.

Perhaps the universe is conspiring to fulfill my dreams/goals/manifestations to live in harmonic bliss in my zen zone of Byron Bay if that is for my highest good, and if not, I am happy and satisfied that I lived to this age and stage of my life and I have everything I ever wanted and needed (just not in the forms I planned for).

I have a dog that is a better soulmate/partner than any human lover (loyal/faithful etc.) I have lived without sex for so long that I don’t miss it. I have a garden and fishponds and quiet repose. In a blink of an eye it can all be taken away but so can Life so, what? Me worry!

Rejoice, enjoy, release and be grateful. For whom I am Becoming. For my once beautiful distorted fractured life that is now a perfect reflection of everything I ever dreamed of.

It is coming...

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Lady Death my Beloved One, can you show mercy on this household? I fended you off with a twirling whirling dervish but now you are back, taking my beautiful Betty hen.

The gods deny me happiness, a true authentic love partnership, money but they regularly bless me with death, chaos and betrayal.

Fuck you!!!!!!!

Just when I decide to woman up and write my book you gift me more grief and horror.

Well thanks for the epic curses. One by one you take my beloved pets. Until I will have no love left. But I will continue to enjoy and love and be ennobled by the remaining animals who love me more than any human.

I will keep Fighting for a life that is Loving, Carefree, Noble and Blessed.

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Goodbye to my friend Betty. May your dear little spirit find rest and peace with the Ein Sof Aur. I love you.

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Betty is still Alive but I had to massage her and make her vomit out the water trapped in her gut again. So this isn’t life for my beautiful girl. I will see how she goes today then if no better I will have to get her euthanised. It’s all so utterly monstrous.

4 October 2018

My beautiful friend Sally Castle has spoiled me lavishly with the most delectable treats!

Thank you Sally for the groceries. It is wonderful! Xxxx

Sally sent me 3 packages of bagels. And cream cheese! Thanks Sally. Synchronistically we now have an emoji coming in the next Apple update but the Jews are complaining it’s not a very good looking bagel! Oy!

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https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0mdwvWsPPrN3FZNAZnhhU2cU3PXjvqA6KXbS4Qf5xESD6ZDPfsVN8htkcADcwpdSsl&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

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4 October 2017

Workmen hammering on the door. They are gonna replace the rotting steps today. (if it doesn't rain). They have gone to Bunnings. Oh dear. It was raining this morning. More rain on the way. What? Me worry. I asked them if housing is gonna pay for treated timber this time? FFS!

Both men looked stoned and as though they were on day release. Lmao! Funny but not funny. Oh well. I just wish they would give me notice before landing on my doorstep.

4 October 2016

Beauregard is almost 1 year old on 20 October. I have noticed in the past week, that he is really loving me these days. He just climbed up on the couch and nuzzled me. Beauregard kisses are great but a tad smothering! I am however really happy that he has fallen in love with me.

We had a hard start to life. When he first came to live with me he was only 6 weeks old and I was grieving terribly for the other puppy that was effectively robbed from me by that lying salacious breeder.

It took me 3 months to get over the trauma. Then it was another 3 months of Bobo being a very unsettled biting little beast. (He still refuses to let me cut his nails).But here we are, at last.

My dog has matured enough to realise I am his family. He gets along well with most of the cats. Especially Penny who now accepts his place on the bed beside me. I still can't leave him unattended with the hens however. Still a bit of a serial chicken killer.

Today we went for a walk in the forest. He enjoyed it but seemed a bit more sedate today. We were both tired by the time we got home.

Then I lay out in the hammock with a glass of wine and a book and a block of chocolate (thanks Sally) but he hounded me for the chocolate and kept leaping up on top of me. I had to hide the chocolate.

We stayed out for about 45 minutes until the evening fell with the concurrent chill and requisite mosquitoes. Then we came inside and lay on the couch.

Watching Breaking Bad. Season 5. (Almost finished). Facebooking. Snuggling.

I love my dog. He is growing up to be quite a nice animal. He "gets" me at last.

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Yup! But new dreams keep exploding. Also new stars and ew paradigms. Never. Give. Up. Follow your own star. Stardust flows in your veins. Wish on that.

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I am still processing the complete misogyny of the security staff at the Treasury Casino. The same staff member who formerly worked at Irish Murphies who, when I demanded protection on the dance floor after my former attackers were stalking me, instead told me I was a crazy white cunt and had me banned from that vile pub.

So here it goes: I went dancing on Sunday night. (A very spiritual night as it was Rosh Hashanah. But I had been invited by friends to join them at the casino as it was a long weekend and a band was playing. I had not gone out on Friday or Saturday night as I was tired of the awful music that the Treasury has been playing between the band sets and tired in general so took a break.

But I decided to join them on Sunday night. We had a great time for most of the night. Until the early hours of the morning between 1-3am.

A very drunk Irish man kept harassing me. I told him to go away numerous times. To the point I felt I was going to lose my cool and hit him. No security on the floor. (Highly unusual).

Eventually the drunk goon wandered off but I observed him hounding various other women. He was not asked to leave like they did my woman friend a few weeks back for doing no wrong but being drunk. (But they readily allow drunk menacing sexual predators to remain on the dance floor!)

I did not report him. I rarely ever get backed up (instead demonised or banned for fighting off abusers) so invariably I strut my own stuff and don't give much attention to the crazy bullshit thrown my way. After all I am not there to be fucked or fucked over. I am there to enjoy music and dancing and a few friends. The rest is bullshit.

However, about an hour later, I was merrily dancing with a short African guy. A regular. Someone I had not actively engaged with ie danced with before as I have major trust issues with many of the regulars that come there and I usually don't like to encourage them.

He and I were having a lovely time. Just being happy. Dancing. Nothing flirtatious or even sexualised. (As I sometimes ham things up with my few male friends who have demonstrated they can be trusted and know when I am being playful/silly/dramatic.

Suddenly a giant of a Pacific Islander man approached us and menacingly threatened the small African guy. He pushed him with his enormous stomach and raised his fist. I reacted immediately by pushing between them both and stretching my arm across the African guy's chest and stating bluntly "Leave him alone. He hasn't done anything wrong!"

I looked directly into the face of the Islander giant. Black eyes, swirling in a haze of alchoholic black out. Shit! I thought. We are both going to be hammered to death right now. But at that instant security were surrounding him and led him, rather placidly away (which was strange but he felt comfortable with several of the security guys as they too, are Pacific Islanders).

Phew I thought. But also thought how very odd that when shit went down for a man, they swarmed to protect him but when I was being harassed earlier, not one of them was in sight or came to my assistance. Unfair! Unjust! Bad luck! Or a set up???!

So I was deliberately dancing a bit further away from the African guy who I knew was a bit in shock but also being male, embarrassed by the fact that I, a mere 5'3" Hobbit woman had stepped in to protect him. Men hate that. Being emasculated by warrior women. Which was not my intention.

(Like the time when I was 11 and I saved my 14 year old Chabad orthodox Jewish puppy love Geoffrey from being bashed by the 17 year old Neo Nazi boy from the units next door to ours. I found him threatening Geoffrey (because he was Jewish) so I lunged at him and punched him in the stomach and yelled at him to leave him alone. He did.

He was so surprised to be outstripped of his malevolence by an 11 year old girl. Geoffrey was so humiliated he didn't speak to me for 2 weeks. Unaccustomed to violence as I was. Poor lad.

Anyway, here is the final kicker about security at the casino. That fuck, Eli, that got me banned from Irish Murphys for the one time I felt fearful and asked for protection (which seems in hindsight to have been another set up) as when I wrote a formal complaint even the govt did not defend my rights.

Evil fuckers. Abuse of women in the Brisbane CBD nightlife is protected and ennabled but if a man is abused, oh how he is fussed and fawned over by the "authorities".

Well Eli comes back on the dance floor. Lopes over to the African guy who is not dancing but quietly drinking. (Bear in mind I suspect African guy is a former refugee so I suspect that like me he has Complex PTSD which is why I was wary to begin with, and later so protective of him. (We survivors know how abusive events can trigger us into spirals of despair, even suicide if not, in rare cases, homicide).

Eli grins at him. Shakes his hand. Touches his shoulder.

"Are you ok, mate?" African Guy nods shyly. "Yes. I am ok!" Eli says "good" then disappears from the floor.

I look in amazement. Far the fuck out!!! No one bothered to ask me if I am ok?! Not once in those danger situations. Demonisation of women. Continues. Unabated.

I can see that Eli creep has had some extra training to even check on African guy. Must have been trained to recognise trauma. Or just wanted to make a display to piss me off. Not sure which.

Meanwhile. I am not traumatised. Just utterly disgusted at how I am treated by this patriarchal misogynistic society.

Those men can be heroes. Just for one day. On the back of my bravery to protect the guy which in truth could have gotten both of us killed by that huge lunging lug of a man but fortunately instead defused the situation.

I am OK. Because I will fight for my brothers and sisters, the oppressed. Always have always will. With often no back up. Fuck them. Let's dance!

Update 4 October 2019: Last Friday Eli stood back and laughed in my face when I was defending myself against one of my most serious determined and vile stalkers. I really should get that scumbag fired. He is a nasty puerile excuse for manhood and not safe to work in security.

But I reported to another security guard and I observed them carefully monitoring my stalker after that. It was nice to see some level of protection at last.

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4 October 2014

Another random thought. Last week I lost my former wedding ring that I had made into a toe ring! I have been divorced for almost 20 years. The wedding ring sat in a drawer for 16 years then I gave up (not one to waste gold!) and had it made into a toe-ring.

Hah! Symbolically that shackle is off my feet so I can dance. (As if that ever stopped me!)

It was a nice ring though. I might buy myself another one. New energy, no connections to the past but I liked having that toey ring.

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My stomach is making synchronised non-harmonic Death Metal noises. I need to feed before it implodes. Soooo dead sexy! I need a massage, a hug, or to get laid. Or maybe I don't need anything but Chocolate?

What will I settle for? Last night's spaghetti bog. Oh wait, I need to cook more pasta. Screw that idea. Mince on toast, it is. From the sublime to the mundane, and beyond to Ridiculous.

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Madagascar! I like to Move it, Move it!

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Just for tonight, I choose love not fear. (Fearless usually but one who loves too much, which is also a reaction to fear of rejection or abandonment).

A loving heart is a full, creative, joyful one. Better to have loved than to dry up and float away like a fucking tumbleweed.

So I wrote a message to an old pal and one to a new pal.

Living in interesting times, watching tv and resting from my wild carefree weekend of Bliss.

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Epic scrambling under my floor. Sophie is staring down, looking worried and confused. Possum must have slept under the eaves and is going about her business. So funny but the noises are eerie.

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Last night was another fantastic night. There must have been a movement in the Force with the impending Lunar eclipse/blood Moon due on 8th October. Or I looked sexy? Lol.

I was doing my thing dancing maniacly and next thing I know I was surrounded by 5 men! All faces I know from the pub. We had a ball, just dancing, being in the moment and loving wildness and life.

I was so surprised. It was awesome. For once they hadn't needed to dive in to protect my wild arse so it was just being amazingly cool and fun.

I danced with the girls just as much. It was great to see Kirsten and hang out with her a bit. I haven't seen her in a while.

@ Kirsten. You are a lovely genuine girl. G-d bless your heart and soul!

I love all my women friends there. You are such beautiful souls. You all make me feel special and appreciated.

Thanks to Karen for schlepping across Brisbane to my house and coming out with me. Shauna, for her sweetness and generosity and for rocking out with me til I almost drop with exhaustion. I love you all so much.

Thanks to Berst and Jabba for encouraging me in my mad baltering with fantastic music every weekend. You are such lovely men and I am proud to know you.

Thanks to the staff at Irish Murphys who work so hard but are such great people too.

Life is just so wonderful and such a huge delight. I am a lucky woman to have finally come to this point in my life.

Blessed Be :-)!

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5.05am. Home alone and safe! Knackered! I had a great time dancing with Berst and my favourite women friends.

I now can't feel my feet so am having a hot bath to relax my muscles! My neck hurts. Moshing is not for sissies! I am sure my spine is slightly out of alignment. Woops! You get that!

I enjoyed the company of all the regulars at the pub. Karl said "I had him at Hello." I said. "That was like, so 2 years ago." He's a funny guy! Not like him to indulge in actual flirting but I know a wind-up when I see it. All good fun!

Shauna spoilt me with a Patron and a JD. Thanks sweetie!

I popped into the casino briefly but the music was average so I spent til 4.30 am outside with George and his other musoe mates. Awesome fun!

I love my life! It is very different to how I expected to be spending my 49th year but I am so glad to have these amazing experiences.

I will be staying home Sat night. Blew my budget but all good. I have had a fantastic time and will need to recover from my wild dancing!

Regina Burton: Well that's one way to spend Yom Kippur lol

Me: yeah different! I have so many spiritual epiphanies while I am out, mingling with all sorts of unusual people that for me, it is more meaningful than shul. Sad but true!

George used to be an orthodox jew in England. His father was a Shochet. So it's very weird but I always joke with him about our Jewishness. I wished him Shanah Tovah. and Gmar Chatimah tova.

He said "No worries, I had bacon and pork for breakfast". I said "Gevalt, that is even more heathen than me!" He laughed. I was dancing in the pub with a stunningly beautiful blonde young woman.

George popped in, which he has never done before. I went up and kissed him both cheeks and he pointed out the blonde girl. She is his daughter. I was really amazed.

4 October 2013

5 am. Salute the Sun! Now off to bed to sleep...hopefully.

4 October 2011

I was awakened from Somnambulant Slumbering Sloth (having nightmares about missing china and crystal being stolen and exhibited in a museum like showcase and was most incensed and trying to get it all back) by a phonecall from Gail who was parked in my driveway and trying to figure out if I was sleeping, dead or out!

So she took me to Aldi to buy food which means I am able to eat for 2 weeks or sort of, (bought way too many lollies) and am officially stoney broke after paying $400 on bills at 2 am.

Now I think I might have another breakdown...or a quiet one! LOL

Update 4 October 2021: Jesus! She used to smash under my bedroom floor, under the house with a broom handle as she thought I was dead. Newsflash! Dead people can’t hear their floors being bashed on from under the house.

Same woman (registered nurse) who took off her mask when she was very sick with swine flu and breathed and talked right into my face when I was doing her a favour, driving her home from hospital. Telling me she wanted us to die together like Thelma and Louise. Fucking psychotic!

But I was betrayed by her when I finally mentally snapped after decades of trauma and abuse. C’est la vie Bitches. Detox toxic friends so you can live again! Glad she’s not in my life for this current Covid Epoch.

4 October 2010

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Been busy burning branches today from lowhanging trees. Sick of being attacked by the Vampyre Beetles ie Paralysis Ticks and other big black Ticks. Bella had a Paralysis Tick on her back leg today.

I am so worried it managed to poison her as i don't want to lose her and the Vet Bill would be $1000 with $500 deposit upfront. I am hoping the Tick Collar worked it's magic.

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Sylvia Shine: she looks gorgous,and so natural,congratulations,the only thing,my sound is not working,but her expression was wonderful,i think,p g :her big break,will come,fingers crossed,you must be very proud,love,and every wish,comes soon x x x x x x x x x x

Nanny Dubs: Your daughter has both your features as well as her Dads & she has your laugh. It was pretty dramatic, well done Chrystal... Tarns she is a natural... good ol kiwi acting at its best... i didnt hear the auzzie twang. what does usq stand for?

Me: USQ stands for University of Southern Queensland based in a country town called Toowoomba( north-west?) 2 hours drive from Brisbane. Crystal attained her Batchelors Degree in Theatre Acting there, this April. She had to live up there for 3 years while she was studying for her Degree. This was a Showreel organised by the University to showcase their graduating students' work to prospective Industry professionals and Agents.

It's like a small taste of what she can do. To be honest I've seen in other roles which were really mindblowing, like her lead role as Polly Peachem in The Threepenny Opera. This showreel was just to exhibit what she looks, sounds and acts like on Film.

She also Directs, Playwrites and prefers to act in Theatre roles. She's currently been accepted in those three categories for The Short and Sweet Play Festival which showcases ten minute plays. She was really excited when they also chose a play she had written and submitted to the Festival. There were 30,000 plays submitted for entry and to have her play chosen was a great honour. She will also direct someone else's play, and has been chosen to act in a one-woman show for another writer. So I am extremely thrilled for her.

4 October 2008

is relieved that her car is working again, $335 later phew!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons