Memories: 4 July 2025

4 July 2025

7:44 am good morning! What magick shall we weave today? What joy and delight shall we perceive? What consolidations shall we believe? What dignity shall we retrieve? What new creativity shall we conceive? What hearts will be won or worn upon our sleeve?

What? When? How? Why? Just because…we are Alive…everything still in flux and flow and potentiates arise and fall…until we catch a wave in a wave collapse function. Give me a break…Point Break. Shaken not stirred in the rip curl of manifestation…whatever.

Who’s on first…what’s on second...142nd fastest gun in the west. Lay down your weapons…this war is over…”you wish”.

No…I insist! There is no point in fighting dead zombie men and shadows. A waste of breath, of Time, of energy. All that life force wasted when you could have built an empire of Good. Of support. Of beauty. Of creativity, instead of knocking everything down and throwing a tantrum and stalking the psychedelic dreamers’ dream into the dust.

What a waste! A timeline stitch unravelling into the matrix. Fools!

But here we are…still breathing…still holding life precious…still believing in a better world, a greater love, a safer existence, a poetry in motion, a homeostasis in healing. A wrinkle in time. A wrinkled nose in mirth. Tickle those toes. On it goes.

Psy sighs...I am tired.

Intense dreams this morning about being at some conference, selling jewellery. It was exhausting and there were lots of teenagers around me. I was waiting for my friend Sally to join me all day but she was so busy…so busy then at the end of that long day she arrived but could only give me five minutes of her time.

I understood. She was the organiser and very much in demand. She was happy as a pig in mud and I was happy for her.

Then some woman came along at the end of the day to tell me that I made for her had broken. I said i would fix it or replace it. She said she would bring it back in half an hour. A time waster. She’d had ALL day. I woke up still waiting for that blasted woman. Lol.

She said she was off to buy pearls in Coura in NSW. I said I never heard of that place. She nodded.

Still waiting…for my true love, and my ship to come in…lol

4 July 2024

I have picked up the cpap machine and the mask which we hired for one month so I can make sure I respond to it before outlaying $1400. The next adventure begins.

I had to laugh at my spirit people showing me a rhinoceros beetle recently. The mask has a hard ridge leading to the forehead. I will look like a rhinoceros indeed.

The things we do for “love” to sustain our place on planet earth to sleep better and hopefully improve my bladder functioning…are well…ornery and “horny” as hell…but kinda quirky and funny.

A big thank you goes out to my psychiatrist who paid for the hire and will also pay for the cpap machine if this works out for me. He is one stubborn Doctor and I am (equally stubborn!) but grateful!

Oh and the woman who served me was a kind tolerant Scottish woman who explained everything very thoroughly. (I hope I remember it all!) I was greatly bemused as yet again, it’s my Scottish ancestors guiding me into my better future health. Little signposts along the way. Cute.

4 July 2023

11:33 am it’s a cold and rainy morning. I woke up at 8 am. I put Charley outside as it was not raining. But now it’s pouring down. I had to bring her back inside. Poor love. But she doesn’t mind the cold and rain.

The first thing she did this morning when I put her outside was give herself a birdbath. Weird little bird. But delightful!

I stayed in bed until now, cosseted on my electric blanket. But I am out of bed, dressed and happening in a far out way! :-)

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Current mood! (Artist unknown)

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I made this one in 1987 just prior to emigrating to Brisbane, Australia in 1988. This is my childhood home Wellington, New Zealand.

I was taught tapestry weaving by my friend and amazing artist Taly Hoekman-rudy, who is Israeli and whom I met as a teenager while waitressing in a famous coffee shop called Suzy’s Coffee Lounge in Willis Street Wellington.

Taly made a beautiful tapestry of the coffee shop clientele. Amongst others. Her work was well received in Wellington!

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https://youtu.be/dqhmU3bY7Ks

4 July 2022

Bitterly cold day today in Brisbane. But I am suffused in love. I have had some lovely chats with dear friends. Margaret, Nigel and even Crystal yesterday, and today Jarrod.

My neighbour from down the block brought little Koko for cuddles this morning also. She sat in my arms with her paws on my chest and stared lovingly into my face. It was a Kodak moment. Sweet little soul!

I wove my “magick” by making a silver ring. I devoured my lunch. I had another antibiotic. Now resting bed as it’s just too cold and I need to rest my lungs (and my laurels…Ahem!)

Mustang Kwe must stop pushing herself so hard as I need every reserve of strength both spiritual and physical and mental to get through this current paradigm.

Life is good. Be in the world, but not of the world.

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8:35 am. Another day in Paradise. I note from my memories that I was very sick on this day in 2013. A lifetime of very poor health. No wonder I feel so fragile lately. Not getting any younger, isolated, sick, and disenfranchised in a dystopian hellscape.

Vomited back to earth several times in the past 10 years. No wonder I am getting darker, weirder and even more anarchistic, as I age.

But I am holding on…to life, to beauty, to art, to my few rare and precious friends that also hold on to me.

I am looking forward to a better world. I will create it inside my soul and let it bloom. As within, so without.

I just realised I have already been doing that with my creativity in the past few years. Which I worked hard at even though my body spiralled into its classic Death spiralling.

But onwards and upwards: what magick shall I weave today? No idea. I might have a practise with my spindles later. If I have the breath and the lifeforce energy.

I finally heard from my daughter last night. She has had a bad bronchitis for 5 weeks also. Not good. Neither of us have had Covid so what is causing our lungs to shut down? Probably the constant stress.

4 July 2021

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I had another gorgeous day today. A lovely phonecall with my longest childhood friend Margaret. Then a walk around the block with a lovely impromptu visit with Margot, Dave, Evie and Susie, and Rosie their gorgeous Labrador! So lots of cuddles from Rosie and a lovely afternoon tea of freshly baked banana cake. Yum!

Then I stopped to chat with Ailsa and had more cuddles with little Koko.

Charley was very happy and excited to be out on our walk and kept demanding kisses!

Bobo was thrilled to play ball with Dave and be chased by Rosie. The sun shone and the neighbourhood was happy and peaceful.

Life is delightful!

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4 July 2020

2:11 am I can’t bloody sleep. What a waste of psychic energy! Thrashing in my doona striving for the unconscious snoozing.

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I came across this funny diary entry from 22 July 2001 at a luncheon to honour the now late Joe Sarragossi. Davidson had approached my kids while I was indisposed in the toilet, which was actually fucking stalking, and several other men (no doubt pals of his!) had been staring at me.

But this made me laugh: my Earthangels always there when I needed them. And Thank you!

Eddie Berkovits (who was a good friend of Davidson Devo!) came up to me, asked me to come to a Betar Parents and Friends Meeting in 3 weeks time, then asked me what my name was? So I teased him by telling him “I am THE Tanya, just drop the “THE”. He said “Oh, The Big T”.

Rodney told him that I didn’t need a name, my aura preceded me and I lit up the whole place (Very kind!) I told Eddie, “See, I even have my own fan club”. Meaning Rodney and Alison Clunes, and Marilyn and Paul Efimoff. We all laughed at that!

I told Eddie, “So don’t mind me, I’m a little bit meshuggeh!” He said, “ONLY a little bit”. I said “Now...what’s my name?” Anyway, I enjoyed the quick reparté. It did my image good to show David how “popular” I am.

I looked up later and saw Mark (surname redacted) John (fuckface -surname redacted) and some other guy all standing in front of me, looking at me. (It happens every time I’m enjoying myself – it must be my laughter that attracts them!) But I smiled and yet, mainly ignored the three of them.

Weird – that they never actually ask me out anyway! Rodney was teasing me about John. (Surname redacted) I said “he’s behind you so be careful what you say!” I told them, that I’m going to Israel to live. Dr Paul Efimoff was horrified, told me to stay here, it’s safer. But he’s not jewish so he doesn’t understand.

I told them I’d been strangled three times here in Queensland, that at least in Israel they might give me a gun to defend myself with! I told them not to worry, I had no money to go anywhere with. It’s just a dream, and dreams are free!

I told them that I was looking at ending up on the dôle, in housing commission in a few years time, so I’d be better off in Israel, at least there, they’d give me a job on a kibbutz or something. Also I might find a jewish husband or at least, my kids might find one.

It dawned on me that I probably should have gone to Israel or anywhere on earth but this sordid little squalid town which is infested with sociopaths.

But I was trapped back then… and they knew it. They still know it (that last meeting where they were so snide about my “shoes” a case in point!)

None of those dirty motherfuckers whom aligned with Davidson broke me though. They did try...for years.

But I have a gift from the gods. A fierce defiance and wry little dark sense of humour. At that point in time I had just posted off my 44 page formal complaint to the Health Rights Commission. So I was in relative danger.

I had a giggle about Rodney defending me though. It meant a lot to me, so accustomed to abuse, was I! Wherever you are, I salute you!

Oh and by the way, I long ago gave up on ever marrying again, especially a jewish man. (Too many stranglers!) I gave up on my daughters ever marrying Jews too.

My daughter actually said to me “why would we want to marry anyone from THIS community after the horrendously awful way they treated our mother!!!”

That upset me greatly as back then, I still had high hopes that my entire life had not been wasted. But then I met worse men...they just kept…getting worse.

Jewish/non-jewish. Made no difference. I have become powerful in my mature age. I no longer crave a fucked up fantasy of a partner that might actually love me and treat me with respect and kindness. I finally got real.

And now...my life is Beautiful. I have reached a level of happiness I never imagined back in 2001.

It took my suicide attempt in 2015 to finally turn 180 degrees and flip the script, followed by a haunting from the aforementioned dirty motherfucker in June 2016 and a new self-determination to be happy no matter what, as I paid too many hefty prices for my “freedom”.

C’est la vie. La vie de la Tanya.

(Oh and later my friend Gordon Senator also advised me not to make Aliyah to Israel as he said it would not be safe for me. Two doctors being protective!) I was upset at the time as it had actually been Geraldine Themal’s idea. She thought I would have a better life there. (Or did she?....)

At any rate she and Uri migrated some years later. They were very happy there. But they had enough money to live comfortably anywhere and I am glad I did not take my kids to a foreign country seeded with terrorists and the kinds of men who only want to fuck and strangle The Tanya. (Rolls eyes)

I am not safe anywhere. That has always been my reality. But I create my own life and safety and sanity out of the shitfuckery and dust that was bestowed upon me for no good reason except I was clever and beautiful (in my short Hobbitses way!)

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4 July 2019

It’s very cold this morning. I was up at 7. Then back to bed. Now the wind is blustery and cold.

My mouth and throat is very dry. My side hurts where the drain was removed. I feel like crap. But my spirit dreams of going out. Perhaps dressing up like I did yesterday, and sitting in a cafe somewhere. Perhaps walk Bobo. But I am too weak after yesterday’s sojourn to the local shops.

It is like living between the darkest night and the brightest day. Being pulled every which way. Choosing life even when life has been too vicious. Blech! Shake it off like a semi-drowned dog.

That wind though. Stirs magic inside me. Cold and relentless. Reminds me that I must yet again rise and shine lest I be blown away like dessicated decaying leaves: unnurtured, unloved, unwanted.

But some day I shall take my place in the cycle of life as compost and the dust of my existence shall settle on other parched lips, unremembered, unremarkable, a whistle on the wind, signifying nothing. Leaving no traces of who I was or whom I have been. I take comfort in that. This meaningless glide through life.

I recount the moments of deep ecstatic bliss when I felt valued and even perhaps loved. Enough fragments of a motheaten page to make a book of life out of.

The silverfish surge with dirges of my existence and the ghost in the machine alone knows my true Soul and name.

Behind the veil they gather...patiently awaiting She who would not go down without a fight. They offer no succour. I am trapped in this hell and will not leave until I transmute it into beauty and paradise, into hope and love.

A day, a moment, an eternity.

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11:52 am showered and dressed. I still feel very weak but fuck it...life is for the Zombie Queen/Warrior Goddess to keep on living. It’s a bittersweet trickster, a liar par excellence, this constant struggle to juggle my beaten down existence. But it’s only a game and the only winner is the Holy One.

I am just one out of millions of universally shitkicked schmucks. The cosmic joke for the cosmic Yoke. (Feel sudden urge to yodel here....it’s all bollocks until someone gets hurt!)

Anyway, the wind is up. I, The fractalised Tanya is up. Magic must be made, since Love has long forgotten me. But all good. I had to learn to make it on my own. Self determined Shade from Hades.

No luck, no Fucks given yet still... a saving grace. Kept me safe from Worse men. A spinning declension standing to attention but up She rises. Not so Hale but Hearty! (Even my broken heart still thrumming to an irregular stomp. Good girl! Proud of her!).

I actually know where I went wrong. Begging G-d many many years ago to let me succeed in my own right without the betrayals of men, turning me into a concubine or bride.

I wanted to stand on my own two feet and hold my head high and look each and every oppressor in the eye and walk away, proud and strong. But I was never permitted to thrive.

Always another capricious vicious monster to cast me back down to the turgid gravel rash of life. But in recent years as I got older and weaker physically, a force that even I have yet to fully reckon with, lifted me back up. Threw me back into the fray.

Slaughtered my spirit by day but succoured me during the night. A wisdom borne of pain and trauma and decades of immense suffering. The sweet gift of detachment.

So here I am. Another day. 9 days post op. Bruises on my drain wound, general weakness, reflux like a fire-breathing dragon (ew!) but Alive. Unwrapping the gifts of each day while burying the hurts of recent betrayals.

Push and pulling of energy. Sliding through life like a wood snake that is my Chinese zodiac sign. Seeking sunshine of heart and mind so I can lay myself out indolently and benign, breathing new life back into myself.

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12:36 pm walking The Beau to the dog park. Long slow zombie shuffle. But we will enjoy the day.

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4 July 2016

Back inside from the garden. I cleaned out both coops. Refilled their nesting boxes, food, water etc. Transplanted a dracaenea that has lived at my front stoop for 13 years. Hopefully it likes being in the garden. Fiddled about in my worm farm and found a sprouted carrot and some pumpkin seedlings so planted them also.

Now a trifle knackered. I had a nap on the warm grass at lunchtime. Bobo lay beside me. We probably looked a bit odd just lying out there in the sunshine but who cares?

I also painted a second coat on my mannaquin arm. Now just need to do the lettering. Then have to wait 7 days for it to "cure" before I put it back in my fishpond.

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4 July 2015

5.53 am. In bath, unfurling like a Hibiscus flower in champagne, only in epsom salts instead. My feet....argggghhh!

Karen and I met up in the city. We had dinner then danced all night at the casino!

We had a lovely time.

Now time to sleep and restore my feet and my energy levels.

4 July 2014

I slept all day so when I woke up at 3.30 pm I hit the ground running so the fur family could enjoy the warm afternoon outdoors. It's lovely out here, I don't even have a cardigan on. It's really weird as last night was freezing.

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The Grand Bunnies out in the garden :-)

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At Jarrod's new abode. We did a load. He is setting up his fish tanks. Slowly getting there. :-)

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4 July 2013

10.28 pm just woke up. I visited Lyn this afternoon (my morning) after getting up at 12.30 pm. I had showered and felt ok so arranged to see Lyn. On the drive over there, I felt drowsy and sluggish so we sat and chatted and I drank tea.

We played ball with Puppy and Bella then went to the local shops. Peter was home when we got back (Bella had done a bunk and raced towards Lyn's car, gleeful and mischievous).

I stayed until 5.30pm but felt so ill that I didn't stay for tea and drove home. I was in bed asleep by 6 pm.

Crystal rang me at 7. She was worried about me. I let her chat happily. My brain barely absorbing anything. Lol. Then back to sleep I went.

Peter told me how to rove the virus I picked up on my laptop. Will try that shortly. Have a nice cup of tea then back to bed. This illness has really weakened me. Oh well, I will be even more Joyous and Grateful for my Life when I get better.

4 July 2012

Okay, I woke up at 2.08pm. Psychedelic Dreamer had interesting dreams this morning. I should learn how to make films and turn my nighttime processing into short films lol!

4 July 2011

It was such a lovely day. I walked Miss Bella Rosa to the Post Office, used my loose spare change to post cost agreement back to Lawyer. Then I came home, set up my hammock under the tree and read for a while and fell asleep in perfect oblivion with the fresh air, the sunshine, and rustling leaves all around me, blessing me with contentment and peace.

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I freaked out Miss Penelope Arons aka Penny today by lying down on the pet bed I made from an old rebounder exercise trampoline thing and a round Papasan cushion, that lives in the back yard and notably has become mostly Penny's bed.

I was quite comfortable, looking up at the blue sky feeling the warm winter sun on my face, but Penny was most unimpressed. Which I found rather bemusing given that she expects to snuggle up with me in MY BED.

So I discovered today that Cats in true Sociopathic Narcissist and Megalomaniac form do not like sharing their own intimate space with Human Mummys. Ever! Get it? Got it? Good. LOL.

Now I know what Pussy Button to Push, I'm gonna lie on her pet bed more often. Just cos I can and I take orders from noone, not even my Goddess Cats LOL. I wonder how long that will last?

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons