Memories: 2 July 2025

2 July 2025

8:54 am I just woke up to a wild blustery windy but astonishingly golden lit sunny day.

I had a bit of a rough night. I had to get up three times. I had the new and odd sensation of reintegrating into my body from the astral each time. It felt like I was slowly circling then landing unceremoniously, like putting on a fur coat in a hurry. Very odd and a tad alarming.

My spirit is not keen to come back but I have been enjoying life in recent months…so not sure what her hesitation is about. I haven’t danced for 3 weeks, nor done any other exercise apart from my frenzied little odd jobs around the house, so perhaps it’s the lack of exercise she finds irritating.

She’s been very busy in the astral. I feel quite tired even though I slept reasonably well apart from the pee breaks.

I heard the brief refrains of Rod Stewart’s “I am sailing”. Also a message, but odd. She told me she hates re-entry with that ugly smothering CPAP mask and looks forward to the day I no longer need it. I replied “that would involve no longer breathing again”. She smiled. She knows I managed to barely survive without it for 23 years.

It’s a test, I think. I am getting stronger…it’s almost 12 months on 4 July. (hah American Independence Day!) but I can’t breathe properly unassisted and I have to comply with this one.

“Do you? Tanya? It hasn’t resolved your bladder issues.”

Yes but…I think clearly now. I am motivated now. I am functioning better.

“You functioned mighty well even without cpap, Tanya”

Yes…I do well in Survival Mode. A warrior Goddess, after all. But I want better health, a better life. To manifest all my dreams for myself. I deserve that after the abuse and shitfuckery of the last 60 years.

“When will you trust in Us…the gods? We want to take the training wheels off…watch you fly!”

I do trust in you…I’m Alive against all the odds…ain’t I?

“I am sailing…”

2 July 2024

Exhausted today. I had a call from my psychiatrist asking me to contact cpapdirect at Mt Gravatt to organise the hire of a cpap device. So I did that.

They are invoicing him to cost for one month hire then when it’s paid, they will make an appointment for me to collect the mask and device.

I spent the rest of the day making my vlog for YouTube. It took me three videos as I kept getting cut off and I was so dizzy after all that effort.

It’s been a cold drizzly day. I ordered pizza for dinner. I might go to bed early tonight. I am glad I danced two nights last weekend, but it’s hit me hard today (Tuesday!)

2 July 2023

9:08 am very little sleep last night but copious peeing. Exhausting.

It’s Sunday. The sun is shining. I am alive. The day stretches ahead of me like plastic food wrap pulled over a brick. Stoic! But largely unnecessary.

Still magick needs to be made, love unfurled like bright white sheets aired out on a brisk sunny day. Hope needs to be harvested, or lashed to the main sail and psychedelic dreamer needs to just…breathe!

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https://youtu.be/AbsvPzzpqao

2 July 2021

4:06 am I arose for my 6th nocturnal ablution and to let the dog out for his one.

I tucked into one of the enormous block of chocolate bought for me by my friend. Yummy. Takes away the bitter taste of insomnia and my dry mouth.

I am back in bed but wide awake. A stirring nascent excitement cycling through my meridians. The last few days have been wonderful. Unusual. A tad startling! But I will ride through the awesomeness with as much aplomb as I have ridden through all the horror as well.

Although I am looking forward to more love, a better, healed planet and a higher vibration of operational awareness and a new way of navigating through this dystopian world. How? Not sure yet. But I will keep moving one day at a time through each day and putting one foot in front of the other and who knows…maybe just maybe I will witness the New Becoming.

For all of us.

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Trigger warning: csa, death, taxes. Political opinions of my own.

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11:11 am Yesterday was a magical spiritual happy day. I was surrounded by so much love.

All day (before I received the wonderful surprise of the groceries that were delivered just after 6 pm) I had this image in my mind of Popeye the Sailor man with his sleeves rolled up, puffing on his pipe and pushing out his chest and bulging his biceps. “We’ve got your back, Tanya. No one Dares Fuck with you. You have powerful Earth angels on your team”.

I had to giggle. Am I running some kind of trauma psychosis? What Meshugass is this?

But I did a very very unusual thing and rang my former Beloved and was astonished that he actually spoke to me congenially (although to be Frank I did most of the talking)…for 40 minutes!

40 minutes is a long time to talk to a woman you hate. But the conversation ended with “I will see you around sometime” and I know it means nothing. Word Salad…but a polite and very British acknowledgment of my tenacious T lovingkindness.

But I did get confirmation that I am not crazy seeing him driving around my area in recent months. He does indeed live in Greenslopes. Practically next door.

Anyway in spite of my little love bust which will enrage my psychiatrist and my daughter, I was happy we spoke. We are in lockdown so I could sense he was worried.

I said “It’s all good. There is a new plague every few years and this one will blow itself out and we must be strong and carry on. I almost died so many many times in my life and I am living proof that the gods are not willing to take me out just yet…-but when my appointed time comes there will be nothing I or anyone else can do about it except accept my fate. Death comes to us all eventually so all we can do is live well and strive to be happy”. He concurred.

Even so I will try to avoid Covid as with my respiratory issues it will be a ghastly death. (Or perhaps not-so-bad as it might be quick and gentle). But Lady Death and I are done doing the writhing seductive Lambada….for Now.

She holds me close then spins me back into life on a nightly basis with my fucking sleep apnoea. But each morning I Arise and Shine breathing the fresh air of triumphant reclamation of my much-beleaguered soul.

Death curtsies from the curtain and I tweak her curtain pull just to remind her that I am constantly aware of her deep deep love for me and her sweet promise of much-longed-for Oblivion.

But She has forced me to kiss the Hag and de-putrify my existence and breathe new life and creativity into my ancient lifelines that converge in a matrix of zero point energy…and Bliss.

She sent me angels both physical and incarnate and opened my third eye so I might See and Hear the guidance I need in each moment.

Fucking Popeye! Eh?! I was a tad creeped out with consternation as Popeye was a favourite cartoon character of my father who used that veignette to force me to eat spinach and its sister, silverbeet and drink the lukewarm water he had boiled that muck in!

For my enduring health…I know…there were other far nobler and respectful ways to keep me healthy but he relished letting the family predators have their sway. Motherfucker!

So Popeye can have his Olive Oyl and I have received the stoic, fierce yet humorous message. No one fucks with The Tanya. Not the weirdoes in Aldi or the Covid paradigm, not even Death who stepped back from my Life for the next few years so I can fulfill my mission: Thriving, Jiving, making jewellery, and loving. Even the ones that betrayed me but we are still holding on while letting go…gevalt!

But it’s beautiful, you know. I am happy. I am loved. I am safe. I am in a Troth with my gods and it is only in them that I place my trust and yes those quirky eternal mofoes sometimes play me like a spinning dreidel… out of cosmic whimsy….to see just how far they can push this Mustang Kwe and look out…She is galloping across all timelines and matrices and calling them all to account. (In my sleep but sometimes in my waking reveries too!).

Stand up and Know Before Whom You Stand. Adonai with His Patriarchal Anarchy and bestial treachery of little children…yes the truth is always the truth even amongst the Gods.

I called to You in my defeat, in my moribund agonies and you played me like a piss-soaked fiddler on a slippery roof. (But yet, here we are, Woman) and yes…the Divine Feminine aspect of God is arising and taking her place as Queen of the Multiverses as She was always meant to be!!! Covid, just one minor rectification amongst this current timeline. 🙂

I see the orange perverted puppet that made President is being called to account on his taxes. At last…the Truth will Out and we all know that every mortal thing withers in the shining light of death and taxes.

So yes, sanctification and fierce retribution is a-coming. But when the dust settles…there will be more Light, and Love and I shall enjoy that!

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2 July 2020

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This afternoon I went to my gp for a script but ended up getting her to cut out a skin cancer lesion that had not healed since it was frozen in February.

She cut it out with a local anaesthetic but it still hurt a bit. Seven stitches. But it’s a relief as that skin cancer had been worrying me for a long while.

I go back in two weeks to get the stitches out. I felt weak and lightheaded after (a trauma response and also a reaction to the anaesthetic.). I then had to get a few groceries which was difficult as I did not want to be moving my shoulder blade too much.

I then went to chemist to buy the special bandage that she says will prevent the wound from stretching and leaving a huge dent like I have on the other scar tissue on both shoulders.

Then I went home dragged the groceries carefully upstairs, took Charlie and Bobo for a quick walk around the block. I rested briefly then got back into typing my diaries.

I now feel utterly exhausted. But moving through the early evening being gentle with myself.

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Haha I am sitting at my outdoor table with Charlie on my shoulder. Charlie wanting birdy num num kisses. When Beauregard and little Pickles next door go ape shit barking. I look up but initially see no one. I tell Beauregard to be quiet. But I sense someone staring at me so I look up again.

Across the road is a woman in her early 60s wearing a pink sun visor and glasses. A bumbag (or fanny pack) as well. Sensible walking shoes. Slacks. She has brown shoulder length hair. She is positively staring at me but hiding just out of my line of vision behind the frangipane tree (but across the road).

She sees I have finally espied her and without embarrassment pops her head out a bit further. She was obviously curious about Charlie. She does not smile but having ascertained that I have seen her, she slowly ambles on her way. Not friendly but weird.

Bobo keeps barking but I stop him and Pickles carries on in her mini-foxy frenzy for a minute or so longer until I tell her to “calm her farm”.

People often comment how lovely my garden is with all the trees and the serenity so the strange lady was probably just observing that.

I feel amused that she kinda hid and spied like some underground international spy. I guess some people just like a bit of mystery in their lives. Lmao!

I just noticed a blue govt vehicle drive off down Topaz street. I might be paranoid but it would seem the lady was spying indeed. Sometimes housing sends people to check on their properties. All good. All she can see is the garden is in peak condition, The Tanya is enjoying the late morning sunshine and her pets.

Perfect day in my often imperfect world.

2 July 2019

Trigger warning: medical terminology post major surgery.

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12:48 am. I took a Nizac at 12.30 for the first time in months. The reflux is so bad that I can’t sleep. I can feel the wind travelling through my bowels also. The pain is bad in the drain sore tonight also.

My entire gut feels tender inside. I moved my bowels about 9 pm but not much. My bowels have been silent since last time I moved them at 4:30 pm on Friday. Reflux started back up that afternoon too. 3 days after the gall bladder surgery.

It is now 7 days. The wounds are healing on the outside but I am still very weak and exhausted and the acid reflux from my stomach is severe and constant. Even my jaw and teeth feel achy.

Jarrod stayed with me from 3 pm until 10 pm yesterday and Sunday as well. He has been very kind to me, cooked me meals. Helped clean fishpond filters. Brought in cat litter and groceries.

I am worried about the bad reflux and still having pain in belly. I am not going to see Dr Ross on Wednesday as I feel too unwell. I need to recover from this operation.

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Watching Esio Trot on sbs on demand which has just begun and is already delightful!

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Ahh dear sweet Laura. I am too weak to get back up today. I have showered though and am fully dressed and lying down in bed, just finished watching “Dark” Which was amazing.

I may attempt another short walk for Bobo’s sake.

I will rise and shine again. Just gonna take perhaps another few days to a week.

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These are the people who showed real love for me during and post surgery: the nurse who removed my iv while I gesticulated wildly while confronting the doctor on his team’s systemic abuse at Pre-admission. She bade me hold still for one minute then let me continue to fight like a Hellian.

The nurses who cared for me during the night on Ward C. In particular the half-PNG nurse who giggled at everything I said while still under the effects of the anaesthetic. The nurse with the semi-colon tattoo in her forearm who was particularly kind after I told her “I hear you, Sister!”

The physiotherapist who came just as I was about to lose it and bore witness to my confrontation and even backed me up. (Rare in a professional man of any standing to actually hear my truth, validate me and back me!)

Then of course Lyn, Sally (who drove me to the hospital and made a call on my behalf for medical advice when I freaked out a day later!) and Jarrod. Lyn and Jarrod spent lots of time with me, cooked for me and brought me meals and were as always, incredibly stalwart and kind in my distress.

I had loving messages from Louise Winton (my little Irish champion!), Laura, Karen, Julie, Margaret, Nigel (we had a long chat last night!) Kelly Anne (herself about to have surgery!) Catherine, Megan, Mel, Sheila, Shelley, Jennifer, Simmy and Morris.

Thank you for your sweetness and support.

Absolutely. It goes a long way to obviate the pain of my toxic family. Little blessings that G-d has gifted me along my path.

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Alas I also have many false superficial Friends. But I do not focus on them. They come and go like dusty Autumn leaves. My authentic friends are here for me in good times and in bad, true to their last breath. And mine.

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I know. Nothing like a major move, a health crisis, a divorce or a death in the family to reveal People’s true colours or most sinister intentions or worse the stoney cold silence and voyeurism that is explicit on Facebook.

I will be culling anyone on my list that I am aware of that is disingenuous or vapidly cruel.

Life is too short to gift my wisdom and life experiences to unholy morons or perverts with schadenfreude 🙂

2 July 2018

I bought a seal on EBay for my washing machine. Jarrod will help me install it next Monday. Hopefully all will be working well again. The seal cost $50.

2 July 2017

My beautiful Childhood friend Skyped me today. I was so happy to "see" her. I showed her my house and garden and the beautiful blue skies of a fantastic Brisbane winter's day. A miracle of a mirage: this city of paradise and hell.

When she messaged me I was sitting on the grass, grounding myself, with my Charlie on my lap, scrapping with my Beauregard in a mad parrot fashion. That black Silkie Rooster of mine was crowing manically while the white Silkie Rooster was joyously humping Frieda. (One is all Talk and the other is all action! Lol!)

While Lynne was on Skype Beauregard showed off by climbing into the hen house and stealing Frieda's freshly hatched egg (the Varmint!). So it was a rollicking good time and Lynne could hear the crowing and hear me shrieking at Beauregard for a) stealing eggs and b) attempting to kill one of the hens. It was rather full on!

Then I visited Terrie who bought me fish and chips for lunch from our favourite fish and chip shop. Yum!

Then I came home and pottered the rest of the evening away.

It is cold tonight so to warm up I am having a hot bath then I am going to go to bed early and lie on my electric blanket and watch tv shows or a movie on Netflix. I started watching Gypsy but my mind wanders so I may have missed too much already. Not sure what to do about my wandering, easily distracted mind.

I hope like fuck it's not early onset dementia but life is full of unexpected events and risk so I will continue to defragment my brain, process and reprocess until I reach something approximating Nirvana.

But in the meantime I have a long slow slog of carrying my own meaty body around with me. Should be interesting for a few more years. Anything but bland. Hohum!

2 July 2016

5.02 am. Home after a great night dancing. I had a bad coughing fit just now but that is probably from coming into a cold house after dancing like a maniac for hours. My blisters from the bromeliad rash are coming out, and I can't feel my feet.

Drinking tea, watching Fargo to wind down before I head to bed.

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I am sitting on the grass but have to keep moving to chase the sun. I thought fresh air and sunshine might help my lungs.

I am also airing out my pillows and feather doona. That might be nice to sleep under tonight. Nothing better than clean fresh aired linen.

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I gave the Beau a bath. I think he actually enjoyed it! He stunk and was covered in crud. Then I had a shower also. For similar reasons. Dancing for hours makes my hair oily and skin crawl. Thank the universe for water. Hot water in a cold day!

I am really not well with bad coughing fits but will aim to go out again tonight. Restless spirit.

Glorious day. Still. Sunny. Silent, apart from the tinkling fountain and Beauregard's Moans as I scratch his belly.

Good day to be alive.

2 July 2015

Life is weird! I finally get over that long illness of bad bronchitis/asthma. I have 2 days of feeling my version of normal ie. I can breathe and stay alert for more than a few hours at a time, then I get hammered with a Defamation suit. It is like bastardry in my life never ends. As soon as one catastrophe leaves my life ( the flu bacteria), then another one, this time a human jumps up to attack me.

I pray to G-d this shit ends and soon! I am sick of being abused, humiliated, attacked, degraded, threatened for standing up for victims. Sick of all of the above, for no good reason than someone needs a hobby that doesn't involve pulling wings off butterflies or legal letters. Sick to death of psychopaths, bullies and trolls.

Don't like what I have to say? Don't read my facebook. Better yet, Fuck off!

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Yesterday I received a letter from a lawyer. Someone is suing me for Defamation.

Just now I visited my psychiatrist. He is writing a letter for the courts.

He was furious and agrees it is wrong to gag me. I will continue to advocate for other victims until the day I die.

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My psychiatrist is writing a letter for the court. I told him, there is only one thing that person can take away from me. My life!

Those people that support him and encouraged him to sue me for defamation all know I have no money and no home of my own. So what outcome do they expect? To see me lose my govt rental home, and my pets and my freedom.

I will go to prison if necessary. I did not defame the person publicly but since he has so many malicious supporters willing to say I did then I will keep my integrity and go to prison. I have a right to my voice, my opinions and to express my experiences of child abuse on my own facebook page. I will not be gagged and silenced.

The fact that person wants to destroy me is indicative of his own guilt. I will let the courts decide.

I have nothing left to lose except my freedom.

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When going through Hell, just keep going! Winston Churchill. Now I need a Jack Daniels and a cigar (although I believe Winston drank Scotch Whiskey).

2 July 2014

I am in love, unrequited. Endless suffering. Where will it end, this self-abuse, choosing unavailable men? 18 years of Therapy and I still can't get this Love stuff right.

Well at least this one is honest with me ie not being deliberately abusive. He hasn't tried to kill me either. Perhaps I am making slight improvements in my choice of lovees?

Hope is a Delusion but it keeps me hanging on :-).

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6.22 am. I had a great night out with Jo and Laura. Now home, watching the sunrise and contemplating sleep. Better get on with it :-)

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2 July 2013

Yesterday I bought 2 cheap Iphone5 adapters from 30 pin plug to Lightning plug so I could still play Spotify on my Sony Docking Station. The second one is for a spare charger.

Neither of them work so I still need to buy an Apple adapter and hope like hell it's not the Sony Dock Jock thingy that is not working. Grrr! I hate when new technology makes everything obsolete and the new adapter is $35 as opposed to $9 for the cheaper but non-working one.

I guess I will have to buy it next payday so I can still have music in stereo.

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Been out in the cold, gardening...light pruning, planting a few stray clumped up babianas and spreading chook poo around. Happy but overdid it bare-armed. The brisk cold wind revivified my spirit but Not my chest. Good to be inside again.

This weather makes me want to go out to party. Where can I go? Hmmm. Dvd's tonight methinks.

2 July 2012

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I wish to make an announcement. Today QBuild arrived early (damn) but were considerate and didn't drag me outta bed to announce their obvious arrival (that was nice of them!). So they slogged all day putting in a new sewerage pipe from my loo to a few metres shy of my fenceline (why oh why cos I can tell that has potential to go wrong but....) so they very happily pointed out their masterful workmanship when I finally got out of bed etc, and showed me out much water seeps down from my property, the land that is.

It was pooling around his newly concreted junction. Oh dear. I said never mind, thanks to living on a buggar of a hill that is hard to mow, I survived the floods without incident. Gotta be glad for small blessings.

Of course the best thing of all is, now I can use my loo without fear of unfortunate back up from the broken pipe. Woohoooo! (Unless the bit on the council side is broken....then there will be more workmen!) Oh my, please let the sewer issues be resolved. Please!

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Today I got to visit Kay at the hospital at long last and met up with Melvyn. It was great to see them both. I wish it were under better circumstances but such is life, unfortunately. I am happy to see that Kay is being kept comfortable so that is the main thing.

2 July 2011

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons