Memories: 31 July 2025

31 July 2025

7:10 am strange illness. Pain in my liver, pain in my lower intestine, epic fucking reflux. But my bladder behaved better. I only got up twice during the night.

I put myself back on cpap and tolerated it well enough but my results are bad…3.1 events per hour. This Zombie Revivified existence is gonna take a while. I was doing so well too.

Recovering from a treacherous heartache, recovering from grief over Charlie. Today is the second anniversary since we lost Beauregard too.

A lot has changed since his death. By the gods! I miss him and Charlie and all my beloved pets, and human friends that have entered the next dimension. But they are always with us. Just a nanosecond of thought away. Hard to let go of real loves but in fact we don’t need to….not really. It strengthens us in dark and turgid times.

I was so powerful in my dance on Friday and Saturday but suddenly my energy slamdunked out of me halfway through Saturday night’s gig. It sank like a stone into the floor. In the break I had a rest but it was hard to call it back.

When Ramjet played Zombie at the last song I could not do my full manifestation Mosh. I simply didn’t have the energy. Even then I danced wildly as best as I could. Berst on Friday got to see my full “Zombie” soul expression which was so powerful and intense it even took me by surprise lol.

I should have known I would get sick, going out on the rain and cold after sweating and writhing in a hot club. It is what it is.

The Tanya is a very sensitive fragile flower and fights her way through life by dancing but sometimes….she gets sick and it’s just a winter chill and I will get over it.

By all the gods!!!

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A schecheyanu (prayer for the first blooms or fruits of the season)! I had to go outside to move the outdoor furniture for the Lawnmowing man. It was arduous as I feel so weak…but I got rewarded with this lovely jonquil.

It’s the first time they have bloomed for several years. I suppose they needed a colder winter to strut their stuff. Nature knows best. I was so disappointed last year for their failure to bloom I almost considered pulling them out.

Glad I didn’t give up on them. Metaphor for life…when things don’t go your way, when life is not flowering according to reason or the season…don’t despair. Just wait. Sooner or later you will catch a wave that’s meant for you and the blossoming will be….splendiferous.

Love is a many splendoured thing. Don’t shunt it or shackle it or tame it or atrophy it for any lacklustre ignoble Schmuck.

Just hold it precious….and wait…..sooner or later you gonna bloom again, my darlings!

31 July 2024

My laptop is doing that weird Caret thing again. No amount of F7-ing will fix it. Including with expletives. I guess I can take a break from my vlogging for a while. Nothing new under The Tanya’s slow boiling Black Sun and smouldering passions to exhume or express.

It is what it is. At least my jewellery is out in the world now. That’s progress.

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31 July 2023

Update: we are at the Animal Welfare league vet. They have taken him in straight away but there are other emergencies so it’s an hour wait.

I am sitting here eating my own liver with stress. But I won’t know what the outcome is until they examine him.

Praying as hard as I can!

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The Beau and Charley had our usual walk around the block, going past the dog park. Beau wanted to. I was worried it was too much for him. He had a tiny greasy poo up on Opal Street. So that will be from the coconut oil I gave him. Not much poo but better out than in, as they say.

Then he insisted going to visit Miss Koko. I wanted to curtail our walk and go straight home, fretting that the walk might be too much for him. But he held his little doggèd ground. So we said “Hello” to Koko and Peter. Bobo seemed happy about that.

We are now home and boy, am I tempted to cancel that ultrasound! It’s another $500 -700 and he seems a bit better now. But I better go ahead with it in case there is still something seriously wrong.

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My new fb bio!

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My beautiful Sally reminded me that I am feisty. Not to give up!

So I have reanimated my altar in honour of the Voodoo god Papa Legba. Prayers have gone out to the Holy One and His Archangels also, for the last three days.

I am praying for healing for Beauregard that does not involve the ultimate “sacrifice”. I am praying for this dark demonic fateful fearful dis-ease to leave us and dissipate into the ether. With harm to none…so it is done.

Here is a photo of my altar! The little amethyst tree was gifted to me by Sally, the little witch with her dog, by Gail and Tayhlia many years ago. The photo “representation” of Papa Legba was created by Jarrod using AI technology. The photo frame is from the three little boys that I befriended in 2020 who moved away. The skull I bought last year but I glued a little heart on its “third eye”, symbolic of the All Seeing Eye of the Eternal One who neither slumbers nor sleeps.

Mama T is petitioning the gods in all directions/quarters and paradigms, above and below, in love, light, peace, good health and in prosperity…to protect me and Beauregard and Charley. To protect my beautiful friends and family. To protect Sacred Space: inner and outer.

To hold space for all of us so that we shall know we are guided, loved, inspired and blessed with enough resources to maintain safety, sanguinity, equilibrium and to provide for all our needs, up to and including vet bills. Amen v’selah. So mote it be. With harm to/from no one, and competition with no one…flowing beautifully and gently, for our most beneficial outcome.

Love is the law. From the Ein Sof Aur down to Malchut…May we merit healing. xxx

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(Comments on 1 August 2023)

31 July 2021

2:43 am still awake. Been lying here since 10.30 pm. Useless! I was weak, dizzy and exhausted yet now my brain won’t shut off. What is this absurd behaviour? Overstimulated from reaming all the pearl beads?

I might as well get up but I don’t dare as I know I am still affected by the colonoscopy and the concurrent trauma.

I have to go to the dentist at the Herston campus of the RBH on Monday. Perhaps that is why I can’t sleep. I am dreading having to break in a new government dental Clinic but there is no way in hell I will ever go back to the QE2 one.

At least at this campus it will be 5th year dental Students. Hopefully they will be compassionate.

Okay okay this is not why I am awake.. I am not sure what’s up. Perhaps I just moved into overdrive after over-coping all week. That must be it.

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I just gave away most of the toys and duplo and lego I have hoarded for 35 years. Decluttering feels good…and right. Frees my house of old stale energy no one is interested in anymore and allows space for new things to arrive 🙂.

No grandchildren so no point in holding onto any of it. Let’s be real here: all those gorgeous toys I bought for my two daughters was as much to gratify my inner Miss Five child who had been accustomed to being “bought and paid for” myself. Also I took as much delight in buying my kids toys as they ever did in receiving them.

That is until Jasmine demanded an expensive “doodle bear” that I could not at that time afford, having fallen into dire poverty after my separation and divorce. So I bought her the cheaper version and thus began the unravelling of our former close bond as mother and daughter.

Baby psychopath wanted only the best and I could no longer provide it. Ahh well. Someone else will thoroughly enjoy the vestiges of their childhood. I am happy about that.

I am setting my sacred space free so I can perhaps leave this place unencumbered by the dross of the past. Only keeping the most cherished items that spark joy. The rest can bring joy to other people’s hearts and minds.

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A lockdown from 4 pm today. Looks like both my dentist appointment and hair appointment (due on Tuesday) will be cancelled. Far out! Oh well I was worried about being short of money for the hair appt. The dentist I was dreading too, although this is only delaying the inevitable.

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31 July 2020

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11:11am. My angels are twirling in the architecture of the cosmos.

They want us to know how deeply loved we are. How powerful we are. How we must use our innate powers for the highest good of all who connect to us.

Sometimes when we encounter abusive low vibration sketchy false people we try to keep seeing the good in them and we drown in our own goodness. Then we get angry and grief stricken because we gifted our love to people who lie and people who cheat and people who misrepresent themselves in the most deceitful ways.

We give second, third...a thousand chances because we were fooled by the Smiling Assassin. But once unmasked those Crusaders of Hate can never shine in our once deluded eyes the same way.

Let go, let the love I wasted on cuntish men and their handmaidens fall into the pit that grows new light and new love in its primordial darkness. Even the worms nourish that darkness, feasting and churning through the dirt so beautiful new life can grow.

I need only wait for when my turn to thrive meets me in the hollows again. The Hallowed Hollows and the mightiest most triumphant effulgent peaks of bliss. We must learn to ride through both like a careworn cowboy walking his horse with No Name Into the sunset.

The sun will rise again. It always does and so shall The Tanya. I took a hit from someone I liked and admired. That is all.

It cost me an activity I enjoyed but I can dance anywhere. Be Me anywhere and those who genuinely authentically love and honour me will find me...everywhere.

Lessons will be repeated until they are learned. As the old man at Amanda’s coffee shop reminded me ...I am The Catalyst. I must rise again from my Phoenixian smoke and Ashes. And smile like a Cheshire Cat.

You will see me there but will you see All of me? I can evaporate and eviscerate at will.

Come come come out to Play. I dance on the bones of the old life and grind the bones between my toes and everyone knows...out of death comes new life. That is the nature of the Multiverses.

Nothing wasted...not even the love I poured into dangerous empty vessels of evil and scorn. They might burn for eternity for they were touched by The Tanya and her limitless light and her fecund furies. And some were apprised of her poetry and her stories and others feinted in her glory. But she survived them all (not without her angels, both etheric and earthy)!

Blessèd Beloved Woman here...have no fear. Love is the Law.

31 July 2018

31 July 2017

31 July 2016

Glorious day outside. I have let the hens out. 2 eggs today from 2 of the new ladies. Woot! Glad I got them as my other hens no longer lay. Frieda does on rare occasions but Tabitha and Elvira have given up the ghost of oestros past, like their human mother. No eggs but we are still remarkably awesome!

Time for a cup of tea! Bobo just bit my hand as I removed him from teasing the new hens (who were holding their own and fighting back!)

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11.10 am. Strange Night Stalking Creature is awake. French kissing the morning. I miss my antidepressants for one reason only. They had a blocker with alcohol and I could drink all night without getting affected.

Like that wild Christmas night in 2012, in an infamous clubhouse, when I drank 10 Jack Daniels during the course of the night and was expected (an outrage!) to go home with some sleazy dude fresh out of jail so I walked out of the party, on my own 2 feet (they refused to drive me home as I refused to be treated like a whore!) I was still "sober" and my blood was boiling but off I went in search of the railway station to get myself home!

It was Christmas Eve. A few streets away a rival member of another clubhouse stopped in his ute and offered me a lift. I said "No. I have already been expected to fuck someone and that is why I am heading to the railway station and if any man tries to belittle me again today I will murder him!" The fellow said "Hop in. I will take you there!" I did a little risk assessment in my head.

He turned out to be a Kiwi, a former Vietnam Vet and a lovely gentleman. He insisted on driving me home. Never saw him again. Angels come in strange forms. Wild biker men at 5 am on Christmas mornings. The irony was not Lost on this Jewish Woman!!!

But now. 4 years later. Off my meds, and I can no longer hold my liquor (my superpower!!) Damn I had fun though. Only 4 drinks all night but silly as a wheel at one point. I just kept dancing wildly. Sober or drunk. My body knows what it has to do. I am grateful to my beautiful friends who love me and are so generous to me and spoil me rotten!

I sat out with George and Katrina (my beautiful homeless friend) she was delighted to see me. So was George. He worried I might be over the limit. I said "Nah I will be fine by now, but that is why I am taking it easy before I drive home. Don't want to take any risk of being inebriated while driving".

It was a good night. No epic sleazoid drunk creeps tried to hit on me and I did not get angry/homicidal/suicidal or just plain irked by anyone.

The band was a good one that I liked. I knew the lead singer, Sarah Fraser. She is amazing.

So I have had 2 great nights and really happy with my weekend so far. Today I am going to visit Lyn. Tomorrow, I will spend time with Jarrod.

Blessed happy grateful woman here!

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Blaze of Glory Bon Jovi. My theme song to my life. Playing loud on my stereo!

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31 July 2015

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, human sexuality.

3.11 am. I prayed to my angels to bring me true love peace and happiness. What do I get? A defamation case orchestrated by a psychopath, a broken love affair (again!), a bronchitis which won't kill me but I wish it would. Loss of appetite. Loss of will to live. Loss. Thanks for nothing, angels. You Suck.

So does my creator and torturer. Hashem. I am starting to really Hate him. My entire life has been one almighty struggle and the chief laboratory tech keeps moving the cheese.

I am being punished for no good reason. An entire life of Horseshit.

As for the cheese, I got a bowl of macaroni cheese I made at midnight in an attempt to distract me from my shitty suicidal ideation (making angel shapes in the cold wet Dew) until my darling Jarrod reminded me that my creepy Romanian neighbour would mistake me lying in the wet grass as an invitation to fuck me.

Cheerful thought, Not. So we laughed cos that is exactly what turns crazy men on. Vulnerably dying women. Gets Them hard every time. Motherfuckers.

So here I am with a bowl of parmesan cheesy mac stuff beside my bed, that makes me heave and watching Orange is the New Black ( cos Art imitates Life).

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Metaphor for my life. Never give up until someone pulls the fucking plug!

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6 pm. Just Woke up. I was so emotional yesterday, made worse by the predisone. I had to knock myself out with150 mgs Seroquel. It really is a wonder drug. Much calmer now.

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7.48 pm. I have slept all day. Trying to decide whether to go out for a few hours tonight or to stay tucked up in my bed. I still feel fragile. Bed is my Zen Zone. Hmmm!

31 July 2014

I am both happy and pissed off with myself. I spent the last of my money on a lotto ticket for tonight. I resisted all week but got tempted this arvo. Hmmmm!

Oh well, so far on my ticket of dreams I have sailed to the Carribean and am sitting in Jamaica, Mon! Drinking Pina Colada and having my back rubbed by a dreadlocked Rastafarian. The fumes from his dreads remind me of my adolescent friends, all hippies who were my true family. :-).

Interestingly not one of my marijuana smoking friends ever let me smoke it! I had to wait until I was 36 before I ever even allowed myself to smoke it. Lol.

Some things are better with maturity.

Where was I? Oh yes, rub that spot, Rasta Man. Ahhhhh, 25 million...in my dreams!

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I just found a lovely coffee/gift shop run by a beautiful young African woman in Seville Rd next door to the Post Office. She has been here 4 months. It's been longer than that since I went to my local shops.

31 July 2013

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Red red wine....and sleep. Or wait, read Burial Rites then sleep. Yes!

31 July 2011

After my stunningly talented verbiage last night (which noone ever notices or cares about so wtf?!) I slept until 2.30pm. Then I took Miss Bella for an hour's walk to Logan Road and back, to the ATM machine at the bank, so I can pay for my hairdresser tomorrow morning. Then I watered the garden and picked some passionfruit!

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Ok ok, so I'm talking to myself and you think I'm crazy like that and so what? yebiddy yebiddy that's all Folks, A bien tot, A Demain, to recharge my batteries and meet the day again! xxxx

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons