Memories: 3 June 2025

3 June 2025

7:45 am Good Morning! The sun is shining. I breathed slightly better in my sleep. My bladder was better behaved. Yayy! A good night! Happy Tuesday!

I am grateful for Life (L’chaim!), for all the goodness in my life right now. For love, for my fierce determination to Thrive (even though I slip and fall with monotonous regularity)…I carry on, ever cognisant of what is still yet possible. Some days are hardddd and others…majestic!

I had a good day yesterday. Even when I melted the rose gold butterfly embellishments…again…psy sighs…I shook myself off and remade them. It took all afternoon and into the evening.

I worked at sawing them out and filing them while listening to podcasts on Youtube. Time passed…I felt exhausted but also serene.

Then I made a nice healthy dinner of pasta, mince, mushrooms, zucchini, carrots and celery and broccoliini with tomato paste. I threw in spices: ground ginger, fenugreek, garam masala and cumin. A bit of honey also. It tasted delicious! I had two big bowls!

Then I made my video on Youtube reading from “Man, Myth and Magic” even though I was quite tired, I pushed through. Intrepid little Mama T!

What magic will I cocreate with the multiverses today? Perhaps I will rest. Lol!

3 June 2024

I woke up at 7:30 am. What is it about being sick that lurches my body into overdrive? Bejaysus! But I got out of bed, made a cup of tea, ate coleslaw for breakfast (lol!!!) and watched Hocus Focus latest video. It’s a paranormal show they put out monthly. Brilliant and entertaining. Happy Mama T now!

Sally messaged me and surprised me with a visit. She had a look at my laptop and after much frustration worked out that my keyboard was not operating properly.

So when she left I went straight to JBHiFi to buy a new one. I felt lightheaded, kinda out of my body. But I bought lunch, put petrol in my car and ordered a wiper blade refill for my back window of my car.

This evening I cancelled the market stall I had signed up for on Sunday. I am too unwell to manage setting up, and packing up of my market stall.

On Wednesday night I will be having a sleep study to determine how severe my sleep apnoea is. Then on Friday morning, a lung function test.

Then I will need to try cpap again. Hopefully it works this time. I feel like I am slowly dying.

3 June 2023

Feeling dizzy and weak after walking Beau so I have had to lie down. I was planning on going dancing tonight.

I had a lovely day, chatting with Nige and Luke (who I know from Ecstatic Dance.) It was great to catch up with them.

Peter came past with little Koko this morning also and on our walk this afternoon I stopped by his house. He was frantically searching for a carpet python as he wanted to catch it as he fears it will eat Koko. We couldn’t find it.

He gave me a big square of Old Gold rum and raisin chocolate. It was delicious but I probably hurt my sore tooth by chomping down on it…oh well. If this keeps happening I will have to get all my teeth removed.

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12.20 pm. I have showered and just finished bathing Beauregard. I am flowing through life graciously. SUCCESS is a clean dog. :-)

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1:03am I should have gone dancing. Instead I am lying here, hacking up a lung, wrestling with the Angel of Insomnia. Oh the irony.

3 June 2022

Weak as a kitten, very dizzy (lack of air and probably low blood pressure) but I am out of bed, holding onto the wall, making pumpkin soup. Like a Viking Berserker Queen.

Shabbat Shalom y’all. Remember: Never Fuck with The Tanya!

3 June 2021

11:11am. Another day in Paradise....sigh...what magic and mystery will we wring from our mortal fractalised existence today?

I worked hard yesterday. So this morning I feel cracked open like a whittled down husk.

I humbly ask my angels...be gentle with me...I am a 56 year old woman who arrived too late for the sumptuous feasting and gorging on life’s cornucopia. I can only achieve things in fits and starts and sometimes that meant startling myself and semi-comatose fitting....

But I am getting better at trying new things and trusting that I am supported and loved (if only by the Unseen Ones!)

So I have seen exponential growth in my own tired old life. New things but same-same...drifting on my groove like a melody ingrained into a groove on vinyl.

Soundless and useless until Someone takes me up and Lovingly matches me with the correct component so I can be seen and heard as the magical musical artistic whatever...energy signature I came down to earth pre-loaded with. Until all my abusers threw me off my track and made me lose my vibe! Blech.

But don’t play me for a fool with trickster insincerity and fucking bathos mkay! I know whom I am now and what I deserve. I might never achieve the love I craved since Infancy: safe authentic life-affirming stable and loyal love.

Hahaha for that I had to cut my own groove and it was painful and arduous but I got there. Being true to myself in a world of deception and delusion and treachery. No mean feat.

So thank you to the ones who loved me when I was struggling for decades! My Earthangels! You are incredibly powerful and loving Souls. And how our mortal enemies underestimated us!

C’est la vie! They have their own karma to deal with. Kiss them off into their darkness and keep shining bright until one by one....they grow and glow according to their true natures which always was/is/and ever shall be...LOVE.l

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3 June 2020

Seeing 11s all day! Which means I need to be ready for anything as the spiritual world is calling me to full attention!

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17 going on 18. Second year of university at VUW. I was involved in Student Politics. Dropped out halfway due to sexual harassment.

Awful foul place.

I signed my named Tania with an i as I newly discovered that my stupid father had spelled it that way on my birth certificate. So I thought I had to legally sign it that way. This enraged me sooo much as I had always spelled my name as Tanya that I legally changed it to the correct spelling by deed poll.

It upset me no end that along with a myriad of other more serious abuses my dickhead family had even misspelled my given names on my original birth certificate. Like What the Actual Fuck?!

But Psy sighs... what’s in a name? It’s just a label society judges you by. Like my last surname that I have not divested myself of in 36 years.

Phillips/Arons/Universal schmuck. Makes no difference!

In this photo I was already dating Micheal. Little dead eyed Tanya-child...what would I tell you now if I could go back in time! You were so innocent, naïve, trusting... believing in Love and family when in reality you had neither.

I am so proud of you for the long hard arduous tortuous Journey back to Wholeness. It took 55 years.

Little girl and Wild Mama T are Back. Integrated and full of Hope...still yearning, which is ridiculous but all good. All part of the human condition. Wanting what is denied us by Fate just because...

Little girl! I salute you! I honour you! I gift you...starry eyes and smiling skies, warm thighs, comfort and humanity amidst the befoulments. Kindness and compassion to yourself and others like you...disregard the rest. They are unworthy of your deep love and light yet you love them anyway.

Carry on the psychedelic dreaming. Know you are Blessed. Even if only by the Unseen Ones.

Your price is far beyond rubies as you scrape those gnarly diamonds out of the soles of your feet.

Your soul has no colour but your life has great meaning. In spite of everything.

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I came across an old diary with notes from the Kabbalah classes I attended in 2001. A toxic environment as the teacher was friends with a former lover and they used to go out of their way to humiliate me. Actually made filthy references about my vagina, so I eventually quit.

But I pushed myself to continue with the classes over several months as I was thirsty to learn Kabbalah and as I had been driven out of university at age 18, I hoped I could not be denied or driven out of a learning environment yet again.

But it got too much. I have not attended any formalised classes since. Because humans suck!

Anyway here are the notes, some are quite interesting:

The Legs. 15 May 2001

Beliefs concerning feet, knees, footprints.

Legs are emblems of dignity, strength and mobility. Man alone walks upright. The eyes, nose and ears we have no control over what we hear, see or smell. The hands, we can control unless in reflex. The feet are also controlled. We choose which direction to move in and to skip or jump etc. Mouth, we control our sounds we choose to make.

In scripture, a man’s beauty is expressed in terms of his legs. Eg chapter 5 v.5 Song of Songs, psalm 146.

Horse is elegant and noble. Legs are attractive. Man’s thigh is a sign of physical stamina and virility and beauty.

The thighbone is the longest femule in the body.

Dionysus was born out of the thigh of a Jupiter. In Hindu legend, Orva was born out of the thigh of his mother and Nishad was born out of the thigh of his father.

Femule means “that which engenders”.

The man who wrestled with Jacob at Pen-El put Jacob’s thigh out of joint renaming him “Israel”. “Sar” of G-d. Prince.

Men adopt the form of the existence of angels when they ascend to the sphere of the angels. Rambam taught that angels exist only in the mind. These forms have no real existence. Jacob only had encounters with a man in a “vision”.

The wound in the left thigh which is the support of the lower body. Even with an injured thigh Jacob continues the struggle until morning, knowing that his adversary has power over him at night only. In daylight demons and figments of imagination disappear.

Ish means Man of God, lowest category of Angel. The man who fought him was an “angel” of Esau, Jacob’s brother and enemy.

Egregor or group soul. Every nation has one. Adam means man of earth. Ish means man of spirit or fire.

Some believe that this vision was a prophetic dream about the Roman conquest of Israel, invading Jerusalem and destroying the Temple. Esau represents the Roman Empire. Jacob, the jews.

Thighs represent power. To bring a person down you pull them down by the thigh. (Wrestling). Standing on one leg concentrates psychic power. Formal curses were done by standing on one leg. Eg in Yoga.

Foot, in comparison with man is in direct contact with the earth. G-d gave the Children of Israel the commandments at the foot of the mountain to teach them to respect the Law with both feet on the ground. People spend their lives with feet squarely on the ground, not to aspire to intellectual Flights of fantasy.

Foot. Pedestal. (Pedals). Tallurian power is power that comes from the earth into Man.

Supernatural creatures that walk on earth give power to the earth. If you have energy which comes from Above you give back to the earth.

In ancient times, religious cult rites were performed by priests unshod. 5 arteries are concentrated in the foot. The heel regulates psychic power. The big toe regulates sexual rhythm.

The ball of the foot, the digestive process, the arch of the foot, breathing. The instep, the vascular system ie the heart! Regular massage of the arteries is beneficial.

In Hindu occult, the heel bears a connection with balance and connection to the body. Posture with heels raised from the ground signifies hubris, imbalance, ambition, concentration of Upper World. Ritual limping was deliberately cultivated in certain primitive tribes.

Person standing on one leg gives direction of power. Lameness was believed to increase sexual ability through strengthening the tendons of the groin.

Foot binding in China deformed girls’ feet to strengthen the reflex of the sexual organ of women. Some Amazon princesses used to break the leg of male prisoners. They discovered lame sexual partners performed better.

Panthemic contagion - footprints of saints and holy men are preserved and revered in parts of the world.

It is sexually alluring to men if women walk deliberately slowly eg. Chinese women, crippled with bound feet were unable to walk fast therefore women were subjugated by men.

Footprints are kept as a memento of the person who walked there. Feet are subject to man’s will - to the house of study etc.

Achilles’s Heel was wounded by a spear. Ra’s heel was bitten by a snake sent by Isis. Oedipus’s ankles were wounded by his father’s brooch. Instrument of death is a symbol.

Isis gained control of the Sun (Ra) and the moon.

Esau born first. Jacob “one who grabbed by the heel” took Esau’s birthright and then had to run away from him.

Ireland has the symbol of three feet in a wheel which symbolises the Sun.

Lying at a person’s feet is being vanquished by that person. To trample underfoot is to tyrannise people.

The foot of a holy person is holy as it transmits to the ground. Explorers claim victory of land by setting foot down on it.

Getting up with left foot is a bad omen. Slaves kiss the foot of their Master as a sign of humility. Loosening one’s things and standing in bare feet was a sign of respect for holy ground. Washing guests’ feet was a sign of hospitality and humility.

Carmelite monks express poverty through bare feet to show humility and poverty.

Marks, blemishes caused by erosion in rocks were believed to be left by magical beings.

To walk in someone’s footsteps is to take the persona of a person in spirit. A role model.

The ancient veneration of greatest figures is remembered in Groman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.

On the island of Ceylon towers the sacred mountain called “Adam’s Peak” where the alleged footprints of Buddha, a natural erosion, can be seen.

The foot emblem is a very ancient memorial of the dead.

Apullius “the golden ass”. Steps. A peculiar step in Osiris initiation ceremony. Isis is sacred name of Ra.

In freemasonry steps were fluid. Initiation in a tomb. Tombs were considered holy. Eg sarcophagus in the Kings Chamber in the Great Pyramid.

Approach to tomb was a ceremonial way to approach to show respect and veneration of the Order. Various positions of feet were necessarily followed to show respect. The three grand steps symbolically lead from this life to the source of all Knowledge.

The symbol of Death is the coffin or altar to show passage from this life to the next one. When you reach the altar Light is received ie immortality. Masters degree is three steps. Youth, manhood, and old age. Simple way of allegorising all Systems of initiation, ancient and modern.

Washing of the feet. Israelites wore sandals, barefoot in the home. First duty of the host was to give water to wash the feet, to the guest. It was customary to wash feet before meals and before going to bed.

In deep mourning they abstained from Washing the feet. In some cultures they don’t wash properly for 7 days. In older times there were laws for the priest, the High Cohen, washed his feet and hands before giving a Blessing. At the Tabernacle, alter of burnt offerings, between these two brazen vessels (ie made out of brass)he washed here before entering the Tabernacle.

It was the duty of a wife to wash husband’s face and feet. Priest had to wash feet and hands Twice to ensure proper cleanliness.

On Shabbat and Tisha B’Av washing properly is forbidden as it is considered work. Unless one came from a long journey, then you could sponge self instead.

Angels assigned to one spiritual station. No power to rise higher than that particular station.

Isaiah saw a chariot of fire as did Ezekiel. Isaiah saw angels standing around the chariot. Angels are not supposed to move. They have no feet. A pedestal.

Amidah means the column or pillar. The standing prayer. The one who prays must stand and not move during the Amidah.

“Candle lit” moves the light. The Jews are moving all the time. Prevents extraneous thoughts from distracting the mind of the pray-er.

Angels have no feet, are positioned in one plane, can’t move out of it. In the spiritual realms, there are many levels.

The physical world is created for the spiritual world to advance either upwards or downwards. Otherwise the angels are bound to one level. To nullify a spiritual relationship through action in the physical world.

Jacob’s ladder stands on Earth and reaches to Heaven. Things on the ladder can only be bound together when standing on Earth. Two Sephirot can interact with the physical world then they can interact with each other. Kabbalists primary interest is of unifying the sefirot.

The flame, the candle, the wick, the blue light, red light, and yellow light are gases which emanate from burning the wick in the candle ie oxidisation of wax and wick.

Only way we can rise to ethereal as there must be the candle. Sephirot represent different colours of the flame. They can’t unite without the physical candle and wick. It is only possible when flame is attached to it.

Bringing feet together when praying is a true sign of submission” Rabbi Akiva.

Pesach - barley.

Shavuot -Fruit

Sukkot - lulav and etrog

Sacrifices brought to the temple.

Shavuot was the giving of the Torah at the foot of the mountain. G-d gaveforst two commandments. The people all died, then G-d gave them back their soul. They reanimated. Then Moses gave them the other 8 commandments to strengthen them to former vitality.

613 commandments. In Judaism most prayers have to do with feet. Eg Amidah, before praying you step back 3 steps and advance 3 steps then stand still during the Amidah. Then when finished praying go back 3 steps and go forward 3 steps.

Also Kaddish we step back 3 steps. Also “kadosh, kadosh, kadosh” we lift out feet up as if rising (lift our heels up!)

Millions of angels are taught and given talents for a particular mission. They are not given extra information as they cannot advance above their station. When two angels appear on Earth they are really only one!

An angel can ask another angel for assistance with a mission on Earth if he does not have enough knowledge alone as G-d only provides each Angel with what he needs.

The end (of that lecture).

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The Heart

In the letters of Rabbi Akiva the letter Lamed is written with lamed, mem, daled, short for Lev or Heart. Mevin means understands. Da’at means knowledge. It’s value is 608.

Lev equals 32. Lamed =30 Vav = 2.

Chava equals 19.

32 x 19 = 608

Lamed means “to learn is to teach”.

In his commentaries on “Adam is the secret of the brain and Eve is the secret of the heart and the snake is the secret of the liver”.

Adam refers to the prototype brain.

Eve refers to the prototype heart.

Adam and Eve are the prototype spiritual forces of giving and receiving.

Supernal intellect - Chochmah, Binah and Da’at are divine nature which flows down to the heart. (Our thoughts and feelings go to the heart) eg if you are cheated, of you are primitive, it makes you want revenge.

The heart has two ventricles. The left is full of blood. This represents the negative urge. This flows through all the limbs of the body. The right ventricle is empty - the inclination towards goodness.

One is Yetzer Hara and one is Yetzer Tov. The man/woman union is the gift of the secret of knowledge eg “Adam knew Eve” or student/pupil.

Adam is the archetype of the intellect and Eve is the archetype of the emotions.

Adam has to contract his intellect into a point (in order to convey his teaching to the student). The point is called Yod. He needs to speak at their level.

On the other hand the student has to become a fitting vessel for the new teaching. Need to nullify selves. (Expand knowledge!)

The seal of wisdom Yod descends from the brain of Adam to impregnate the full consciousness of heart (Eve). The secret of the letter Lamed is the heart in aspiration of conceiving wisdom in the point of Eve.

Touching the heart with the palm of your hand - the palm is the power to actualise the vessel for knowledge.

The lamed, the heart aspires upwardly and reflects insight.

Vessel = Keli

The Keli is the power to actualise the potential by the palm of the Chasidic Master.

Eve is the primary concept of vessel.

The humble and sincere heart of wise passion continually aspires to ascend higher and higher in his comprehension of G-d through the Torah, G-d’s word.

You must be humble. Arrogance will get you nowhere. Sincerity will access the knowledge. If you use the wisdom to make money it will be lost!

You need to obliterate all previous knowledge, from home, school etc. You will learn the Truth at a very high level.

Our limitations are physical, emotional and intellect.

Lev= heart

It’s secret is two lameds face to face.

Abraham Abulafia - two blood vessels leading to and from the brain. From the evil inclination and his mind is thinking about it. The mind feeds the heart, the left ventricle, he will want revenge and feel sorry for himself, melancholy, pain but if his evil inclination is under control, he won’t worry about the theft etc. He will see it as a test - maybe the money will be wasted otherwise.

At the level of World and Soul lamed means aspiration from Below to Above.

At the level of Divinity, it represents Divinity hovering over and descending from Above.

Hovering - hatoret- touching and not touching.

This is similar to a mother’s devotion to her children. Torah - touching and not touching the heart and mind of Man.

Something elusive in the Torah, unless you keep on reading until you comprehend it, this hovering cannot take place. But if you read with humility/sincerity then you will get the inspiration, the touching.

It is a source of divine inspiration to know and receive G-d under the chuppah. The chuppah is a canopy which attracts and unifies father and mother and bride and groom in the sanctity of marriage.

The 30 attributes of Malkuth at the level of Atziluth the world of Divine Unity, consisting of 3 dimensions of the Vessel (inner, middle and outer worlds each holding 10 sefirot = 30).

Malkuth is the ultimate vessel. Atziluth is inner, Yetsirah is middle and Assiah is Outer. (The world in which we dwell).

At the top is Purity, going down there are different degrees. Eg there are many mansions in the House of G-d.

Kingship at the level of Atziluth = Divine Ani or Anochi = I

The kingship of each of the lower worlds is its own sense of ego. Any person who says I is referring to their own spark of G-d.

The concept of I is an important concept. One should not push the I in advance. The more you push yourself forward, the more you lose it. Eg chasing glory etc

The revelation is present for every concept of “I”.

In the jewish month, 30 days, the death and rebirth of the Moon. (Waxing and waning of the moon) symbolises Malkhut personified by King David. (When we bless the New Moon we say King David lives forever!)

Binah or higher mother and Malkhut lower mother (cycle of 30 days) relate to the secret of the heart, the basic symbol of Lamed.

The lunar month is the fundamental unit of the jewish calendar.

Vet = corresponding lines of the letter Vet correspond to three general levels of revealed consciousness. Every conscious revelation has a certain degree of concealment (secret in everything) mind, heart, deeds.

Top line of Vet = heaven

Middle downwards line = heart

Bottom line = Earth

North is open.

Emotions means motion of the Soul between heaven and earth.The invisible left the North and the concealed left, heart.

All modes of feeling from the lowest physical forms as thirst and hunger to the highest realms are connected to the heart.

Sufis = Nefs. Nefesh. Desire

Nefesh more frequently relates to the appetites. It is self-determining and self-attaining. Lamed to teach and to learn. Two Lameds facing each other

Means student and teacher. Also 10 sayings, decalogue of the Torah (not the other 613 commandments).

10 sayings (Decalogue) which represent the other 613 commandments. There are no heirsrchy of the Commandments. G-d is the only one who apportions which are the important ones. Man does not have that choice.

If you commit adultery you are stealing and killing also. You destroy someone’s family.

If you shame someone, they blush. Another symbolic killing as you draw the blood to their face.

There are channels on our body through 10 sefirot where we receive the Law. If we break the commandments we block the flow.

The person does good deeds (Tikkun) to connect the blockages in the world - to return the correct flow. Pharaoh is the evil urge in Man.

Lungs Re’ah - changed. Ireah by gematria means Fear or Awe.

The reverential awe of G-d restrains the Ahavat of G-d. If you have too much love of G-d you lose your physicality eg you become a fanatic or religious nut!

Therefore the lungs restrain the heart..

Fluctuation dominates the pulse and rhythm of the breath in the lungs. What is the to and fro of the breath? The two emotions of love of HaShem and fear of HaShem.

The positive of being life in the Full.

The negative of being removed from physicality totally.

One urge to reach G-d, break all boundaries.

One urge which pulls us back to Earth.

Your heart is an Altar. The Baal Shem Tov said it is written, there shall be a constant fire, burning, never to go out eg The Ne’er Tamid.

In whatever you are doing, let a part of your heart burn inside you so you can fan it into a flame. So you can serve with all your heart, soul and might!

L’vavecha - 2 Bets. Why two! To love G-d with all both inclinations: the good and the evil inclination!

If you are going to commit something ungodly, the pull is so strong that you rush to do it. You should take that “rush”, the enthusiasm to turn it to the right, good inclination.

The evil inclination makes us human. The good inclination - morality, decency. The excitement, enthusiasm can be diverted to use for holiness or goodness.

Why are the senses of sight, hearing, smell but never taste and touch? Sight hearing and smell perceived from a distance. Taste and touch are too personal. Never used by descriptions of G-d.

Understanding, thoughts of G-d but we never talk about the imagination of G-d.

As whole physical and psychical life springs from the Heart, such expressions as Tahor (pure) shalem (perfect) etc typifies the heart.

The hypocrite is a man with a double heart. Lev comprises whole psychic phenomena. The centre of the innermost part of objects other than the Human Body. Eg heart of the tree, heart of the ocean. Comes from the Hebrew language.

Koré - centre or innermost part. Used conjointly to designate the inner and outer life of Man. Seat of all moral and spiritual life. Moral and religious conditions of Man wholly depend upon the Heart. It is the seat of evil and good impulses. The wicked - their hearts control them. The good control the heart.

Don’t let your eyes wander around (when at prayer)

3 June 2019

The Drainers are here with the bobcat repairing the sewer...againnnn. Oh well. They came very promptly so I am not complaining.

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The drainers have finished work. All done. He had to replace the junction as they put the wrong size old earthen ware pipe into a new pvc one. So it had to be cut up and completely replaced.

One drainer to do that job plus the guy that does the excavating. Last time it was 4 men and none of them did the job properly. Infuriating. But it’s over now.

3 June 2018

My (former) friend Gail used to schitz out if I referred to anyone else as my best friend. At that time I had three best friends. It could get a little vicious.

Nice to be loved and all but I can do without the cat fights and competing and jealousy. Fuck dat shit! Rather be alone. (Which I mostly am!) Weird life (can’t make that shit up!)

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@ Wynnum beach. Bobo had a swim. I took off my ankle boots and socks and paddled with him. Beautiful day. No cold breezes or wind. Peaceful blissful day.

On the way back I realised my boots needed repair but as they are quite old I threw them out instead. Decluttering is addictive! I walked back to the car, barefoot and carefree.

Time to head back home I guess. I am a homing pigeon. But it was a nice break at the beach. Bobo was joyful.

3 June 2016

Happy and grateful and so blessed to be surrounded by friends who are true and loving, supportive and generous and kind. I could not be in this life without your grace, beauty and love.

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The beautiful Sally Castle sent me a care package (for Bobo! Lmao!). Along with cat food and cat litter she spoilt me rotten with all the most delicious goodies.

Raisin bread, whole grain bread, sour dough bread, crumpets and croissants!!! Beautiful Brie and cheddar. A huge pineapple, a pomegranate, big bag of mandarins (for my flu). Lindt Chocolate and NZ Peanut Slabs and Watties spaghetti (a Kiwi's delights!)

Watermelon, carrots, garlic, sweet potatoes, lemons and organic Dates. Even a gourmet lemonade! Sweet corn, mushrooms and lemons.

There will be feasting chez moi!! Thank you Sally. You are so lovely to me! Xxxx

Forgot: eggs, strawberries and cherry tomatoes and avocado! Ooh ooh and NZ Mainland Butter!!!

3 June 2015

2.35 am going to sleep again. So cold. Got chills...they multiplying and I'm losing control ohhh. Not really, not one to lose control except of my temper :-).

I have had a lovely night, talking to Nige in NZ and then Annie in Wales. The internet. Amazing! While talking to Nigel I baked a Key Lime Pie (HRT kicking in complete with belly ache and nausea but the thing I feared is happening…the Taming of The Tanya. Hell No! I won't go! ;-) ).

Then I watched the next episode of Coven on American Horror Story and one of the witches said, "I just made a lovely Key Lime Pie".

I thought that little piece of synchronicity was delightfully hilarious. I hear you, Sister. Tomorrow if my appetite kicks back in, when/if I dispel the acid reflux and the nausea, I will positively Feast on Pie!

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4.19 pm. I am very ill. Drinking honey, lime and cinnamon tea to drive the infection out. Arrrghh! Also sore back, very sore back which radiates through my stomach.

Feeling hammered by the universe. (Nothing unusual there!). Even my ears ache, not painful but the kind of dull ache you get in high altitude.

Nevertheless, I rang Jarrod and chatted in a very hoarse voice. Crystal is in Ireland but has no phone or internet yet. She got patted down by French customs who didn't believe her voluminous beautiful breasts were real. When they were done, she thanked them for the 'interesting' massage. Haha. My girl!

I have been in the garden, pottering. Fed the chooks, topped up their water. Spread ash from yesterday's fire on the roses.

I saw little peewee Herman (Hermes Trismegistus) chase off the scrub turkey who is 4 times his size. Nice to have a man about the house!

The turkey is back, though. Eating the chook laying mash. It thinks it is a pet now. I don't really mind. The universe is abundant and provides for all our needs. Amen!

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7.41 pm lying in bed, on my electric blanket cranked up to 3 to try to soothe my back. Terrible pain. I haven't taken pain killers for it. I might have to submit.

Penny is on my belly, purring ecstatically, staring into my eyes and licking my hand occasionally (Penny Kisses!) She is trying to heal me! Adorable girl!

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9.15 pm. I made corn fritters from a recipe Crystal gave me before she left. I was so hungry I Hoovered 6 of them! They are delicious! No wonder my belly was aching and making weird noises. I was in so much pain I didn't feel like eating but now, well satiated Mama now.

I have taken 2 pain killers for my back. Now making another lime, ginger, honey and whatever I want to throw in it. No JD or Vodka in the house. Damn! Oh wait. Kosher wine. Yes, a spot of that may go down well. It will be a bit like Gluewein only with lime juice in it :-).

I must be a tad better if I am wanting food and booze again. Mwahahah! Not really. But the wine in the lime sounds...stimulating!

Yum, GlueWein with real star anise, cloves, chai tea, cardamom, kosher wine, lime juice and 2 tsps honey. Then I topped it off with 3 echinacea tablets, to drive out the infection/congestion. I hate being sick, hate hate hate it so I am giving it my all!

The worst thing is the back pain. It is grinding me down. Actually it feels like my bones in my spine are being crushed.

Hopefully the Panadol Osteo will kick in, if not I will try a panadol forte. I will NOT submit!

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3 June 2014

3 am. I have been outside setting up the new Silky's cage. I had to padlock and wire both chook pens shut as I saw a fox on my way home and freaked out that he might get my girls. I will have to buy 3 more padlocks tomorrow. Grrr!

I put the new little hen in her new cage but she was not impressed at being moved outside in the middle of the night. I made a nice nest for her, as Kim thinks her eggs will have been fertilised. I put a stick through the cage bars for her to roost on. I think she will be okay.

I put fresh laying mash and water in both coops. Now time to sleep, knowing the hens are all comfortable and safe. Then I will need to socialise them tomorrow.

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I am teetering on the very brink of a very tall frightening diving board, waiting to lurch forward into the abyss, the depths and the fall which is softened by the clear, cool welcoming waters, celestial as well as earthly.

I am holding my breath, in awe and in apprehension, for who knows how long or deep is the fall, and when I will resurface again? My toes are cramping as I hold back from this new experience....holding back from fear and grief and loss, but when I leap, it will be a new beginning, a new direction, a new journey that recycles back into a Life that is Beautiful.

I have done this so many times before and yet I have always landed amongst Love. Love holds me safe in its Hands, embraces my spirit and guards my earthly body, and my etheric bodies. Love whispers to me...don't give up, jump, jump ... I will catch you.

Love for me, has been like a long white cloud, floating and changing and shifting, letting me slip down down down, then raised me up like precipitation, so my tears can fall again and again, to form another silver-lined, sun-kissed cloud.

Perhaps it is my tears that catch me...in the emphemeral soft caress of Light and Love. Even fog brought its own comfort in my childhood. The foghorns, advertising that the sea-goers, the fishermen, were struggling through the bitter cold, to plight their troth to the abundant sea-gods. They did not want to be lost, but I knew I was lost even then, and found too.

I belonged to no one but G-d and he took a long time to emancipate me. The awesome thing is when He did, I was still kicking at walls and pain and didn't notice it.

The Fool knows when he leaps, he is supported by the entire Cosmos. There is no fear or trepidation, only a wry sense of mischief and adventure. May my next adventure be worthy of a smile and unconditional Love.

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Feeling euphoric and unconditionally loving. It's all bubbling up inside me. I guess my 'angels' are healing me. I am so happy about my new 'granddaughter rabbit', Sookie who Crystal tells me is being settled in very well (ahem!) and my new little hen, who is sitting on her nest being a mother to be already.

My home and garden is abundant, prosperous, joyous sacred space. Hashem is smiling down upon me, and I feel greatly Loved and appreciated albeit by the Unseen.

Life is good. Nothing else matters but that my Life is Good and I am surrounded by Loving people and the rich goodness of what life has to offer.

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3 June 2013

Lovely sunny morning... Yes you read me right! I woke around 11am, gasp, horror! Quite cold though. Still lying in bed looking at Facebook but been up, made a cup of tea and let chickens out. I still have a cold so pondering what dastardly deeds I might aspire to today. So far, I think the washing and perhaps a jaunt in the garden. Floors need doing too 🙂.

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No washing done, only the mattress protector which I need to hang tomoz. Crystal visited around the same time that Jarrod arrived to show me his car he inherited from his step-father. So exciting! He finally has his license and a car to drive. I am so happy for him!

Then Gail invited me for dinner. So I ended up being busy all day. Came home at 8.30pm and watched Game of Thrones. Lovely day 🙂.

Now lying in bed with Zulu who is purring loudly and trying to kiss me which usually equates to him drooling on my face ..gross. So I am ignoring his feline advances so he is now licking my arm with his raspy tongue...less gross. Nite all!

3 June 2011

I've had a spectacularly happy day. New earrings, noice! Interesting dialogues with friends... noicer, and an evening spent with all my lanterns lit, a fire burning, a Bacardi n orange juice...I know I know still no coke, or pineapple or coconut. LOL, listening to music, chilling on a cool and beautiful windless evening.

Blessed by the gods, and living on a new paradigm for a change. What more can a woman want?

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Darn my precious and rare bottle of Bacardi is over half empty and I promised to share it with my darling Gail. Grrrrr. No more Bacardi for moi. Why do I promise to share things? I should be more selfishhhhhhhhhh...shhhhhh....

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Missing out on Tudors cos I watched Dvd's last night and now I've replugged the settop box in for tv for my Bumholey, I can't get a picture and only sound. So not impressed. Oh well, it's been a lovely night so it won't kill me to miss out on Henry X111 excesses for one night I guess. It was promising to get rather exciting though. Dammit!

3 June 2009

My house is in order...just have to vacuum and mop floors and do some polishing...and finish cleaning the spare fridge out...and I will be back to an appearance of normalcy again...until next time I let the house fall around my ears. LOL.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons