Memories: 3 July 2025

3 July 2025

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https://youtu.be/JU9rKUWKUO0?si=SwC_WfGPsiRXqDdT

“Sunshine and happiness equals bliss”

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https://youtu.be/1IclHx5vshs?si=GxReOjfwmBseliuE

Reading “Louise” W. Somerset Maugham

3 July 2023

This morning I had a little bust. I texted the man whom I love and can’t seem to get over. I haven’t made contact in two years. So it’s not so bad. But holding onto long dead treacherous defunct love? Idiotic!

Anyway I am safe. He holds me in such little regard that he never replies. Just ignores my little heart firestorms of despondency and long unresolved grief. So I will heal.

I will allow real love again. I will be full of love and joy and delight with a man who cherishes me one day. I don’t know how/when or how much longer I must be stuck in this limboic desert of putrefaction and isolation. But one day…one day the gods will gently nudge me off that groove and lift me on angels’ wings into a love paradigm that is kind, noble and respectful.

That is my prayer, my manifestation, my affirmation. My heart.

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Today I failed at cast in stones with a wide ring band. I got so annoyed and also enthralled and a tad curious that I remelted the leftover silver and chucked it on the negative spaces where the stones were…just to experiment if it could have worked. (No idea what went wrong!) the silver was hot enough. I held my mouth the right way. Lol.

Anyway …I need practise to master this! C’est la vie! Persistence (and enough money for fresh silver) is the key!

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Another epic fail with casting the stones in place. I am so annoyed. I don’t get why it keeps going wrong. I will try again with the wire “peace sign” which was how I cast one of my rings…eventually. Let peace find a way. But it must be for dummies like me as Kirralea Caynes doesn’t use extra wire contraptions to get her silver to flow.

Well I had a success with my coin yesterday and two fails today. Always three steps forwards, two steps back writhing in my small corner in hell.

Epic fuel number two today. I can’t seem to get the stones to cast in place. Hell I can’t seem to get even half a ring! I am so sick of feeling useless. Grateful for yesterday’s success with my pierce sawed coin pendant though.

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6:58 pm exhausted and despondent with my epic fails today. I have taken to my bed where I can at least enjoy the comfort of my sanctuary and my electric blanket.

3 July 2022

2:23 pm back in bed. I managed to walk the dog and Charley. I had to use one of my walking staffs to lean on as I am very weak and dizzy. But we managed it. Time to rest now, methinks.

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Arohanui.…nui…kautikitiki. Whakapapa.

Whatever spirits…I don’t speak Māori but if you are here…may it be for my highest good.

Arohanui means lots of love…so I gratefully accept that, my darlings. Another day in “paradise”. I have taken my vitamins, my penicillin, my lungs steroid spray, my Ventolin. I have had two cups of Manuka honey and lemon water with cardamon.

I am fighting in every vector of my spirit for more life on this planet.

I was sitting outside in the bitter cold because there is lukewarm sun peeping out. But I had to come inside as my lungs do not like the cold. Never did.

I have the Manatoa of a thousand ancestors gathering around me in honour and in whimsical lighthearted mischief. I have fought a long hard spiritual war.

Kapai! All Good, my loves. Today I must rest.

Whiti atua something something mumbling in the spheres. Mahi! Mahi! Kamate Kamate Ka oru Kaoru. (It is death, it is death, it is life, it is life). Fight on, Princess. Daughter of the gods. There is still much magick and beauty to behold. To create. To be blessed by. We ask you to hold on.

Aue. Aho. Amen v’selah.

And so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time…chuckles. Damian Rice

Abandoned and rejected and purged am I. What am I holding on for? It’s insane!

But….

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6:22 am sitting on my bed, drinking hot lemon tea with Manuka honey. Feel icky. But the antibiotics are working. Yesterday evening they drove off the most awful black gunk from my lungs. I hope that was mould and not dead cells from my November and again in January, industrial injuries. It looked like black paua slime.

I momentarily freaked out but better out than in! How much more infection like that is still in my lungs I wonder? How have I managed to live this long with that stuff in my body?

No wonder I was getting weaker and finding it increasingly difficult to walk, or breathe.

Anyway, here I am another day in “Paradise”. Still fighting for my life.

I guess I can thank the 4 Vitamin D’s I take each day plus the other vitamins for staving off the painful arthritis and holding my lungs together just enough to get me through the past year. But it looks like the antibiotics are doing the trick, kicking that phlegm to the curb.

It’s odd as even my doctor said my chest sounded quite clear. I nodded. I told her it sits in the upper respiratory and has caused havoc with my reflux as well.

So this morning heralds day four of antibiotics. Just ordinary penicillin. So as things are being moved out of my lungs now…I think today might be a bit of a crisis day. Or not… The Tanya never knows how she is with her healing. She slips back into death mode as easily as she punches through, fighting for Life.

But I am healing…I am powerful in my spirit….I am surrounded by immense love…I am gifted by the gods with each and every precious fierce enervated breath and if They will it… I will be alive on this planet rejoicing in my survival and possible Thrival some more.

I am staying alive for the whimsical but ever diminishing hope of at least one grandchild, for the ever elusive and absurdist hope for a loving respectful cherishing loyal love partner, and for the hope of a healed and united, loving Planet that fights for its unique humanness and freedom from the dark forces like never before in the history of humankind.

I am seeing little tiny sparks of the divine lost in the dross, starting to shine and come online. Little rays of sunshine, little refracting diamonds in the rough. Glistening in the searing Light of God. Slowly finding each other and switching on those around them.

So Hope, that last gift flying out of Pandora’s box, that I have such a complicated relationship as in my life she often came disguised as a liar, a chimera, a mirage…has finally activated herself and stopped clowning around.

Every soul on deck, every soul awake and aware, every soul holding precious the love that they feel inside them: their gods, their beloveds, their pets, their own human body, mind and spirit which is such a miracle. The microcosm of the macrocosm. The I and Thou. As above, so below….yada yada yada Bali Hai, biddybum biddy be…

Be! Brave, beautiful, embodied with Love and light and fight!

This old biddy needs to sleep and heal so I can come back even more powerful in my heart, mind and body, spirit, breath and lifeforce.

Good morning! Goodness pervades us when we allow it. Surround yourself in love. It’s a cloak that is worth donning.

The Tanya loves you!

3 July 2021

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3 July 2021

11.11 pm when you wish upon a Star...makes no difference where you are....the time-lords and interdimensional beings will find you. It’s either your energy signature or the putrefaction between your thighs. Rolls eyes...the stench of mendacity will heat seek you anywhere.

*Facepalm

3 July 2020

10:10 pm I just finished a few hours typing up my diaries. Some astonishingly awful stuff there. More and more I feel proud and amazed with myself that I survived it all.

Lyn was right the other day. She felt that 2017 was my turning point when things seemed to change for me. My writing got better. My attitude to my life improved. It took a while longer dragging that diseased gall bladder around until 25 June last year but now a year later...I am flapping my Phoenix wings ready for big changes for my most beneficial outcome if the gods will permit me.

I must say I had a laugh before when I typed up the diary entry from 6 June 2001:

“I spent 6 hours, from 10-4 pm with Marc the psychic- what an idiot. He tells me to become a lesbian, forget men for the next 18 months or so. I’m not allowed to have love or it will set me back from meeting my soulmate etc etc. I’m supposed to be rich and married one day.

Doubtful, but anything can happen. I was so depressed after seeing him that I hired the video Unbreakable and phoned Jarrod – who cheered me up!”

Well that was 6 hours of life I never got back. Fortunately I don’t take these psychics too seriously.

I was in a relationship with Courtenay for 5 years from 2005 and 2010 and Gail did keep trying to grab my pussy when she got drunk. But he was no soulmate and I am not yet...psy sighs... a lesbian.

So there goes any chance of soulmate cohabitation of the Cheerful kind. Males or females are not to be trusted with my beautiful luscious fat body, or my mind or spirit either.

I will create my own wealth. (Not likely at this end stage...) as I know more than most women that if you marry a man with money you “earn” it or get severely abused at every quarter.

I once thought I would marry for a grand and replete all-consuming passion but that never worked out for me either.

Maybe that particular creepy reader was right. I need to stay celibate to stay sane or discover Lesbianism. Except as much as I have loved some women in my life I never had any real Sexual desire for them. It is possible to love someone deeply without wanting sexual Congress.

Hell even my last love interest and I carried on a romantic frottering for years yet we were only ever sexually, physically partners once.

I guess it’s like the old Mae West line “honey if you lay a man right you can walk all over him for the rest of your life!” But I have no desire to walk over or destroy a man...unless he actively tried to destroy me first.

Nay been there done that. I require a real man who doesn’t play vicious cruel trivial mindgames and is loyal, faithful and true.

Not some bloodless cur that cannot communicate like an adult or return phone calls or textual missives.

Maybe I am old fashioned but I don’t enjoy telepathic soul communications either. That is just mind control.

If they can’t be bothered to communicate effectively face to face then you know... they can fuck off. I say that but I am the Queen of a million chances! Dancing my Love amongst the Spheres. Occasionally casting out my desires like rose petals on mercury. Acid rain... tortured tormented Queen of the Night. Beautiful, poetic if a tad fragmented.

But I do have one man in my life who completely comprehends me and he carefully weaves my psyche together each fortnight by validating me. My platonic men are my soulmates.

Not everything has to be a frenetic death cult fumbling of discourteous desire: hell the streetcar ran off the rails of Desiree’s penchants years ago.

But yet... mmmm hmmm I may have another Uprising in me, another superb lovemaking with a man who does not drive me crazy! But when and whom...? Eludes me.

My Beloved, my trickster spirit, my inadequate insecure Wiglet...don’t forget that Real Women see through the Bullshit and call it out but if you play me much longer I’ll set my hat for a Woman of Distinction instead. (Winks....). Probably not.

I may not pop my cork for every man I see and that’s okay... I’m stay in my lane and continue to be my Own Woman of Distinction. I prefer my life like that.

Update 3 July 2025: Hahahaha…breathes….hahahaha. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. I could kill myself but we all know I failed at being a “self righteous suicide” too. The beautiful fearless intrepid Zombie just keeps moving forwards. Never quitting on Love or Hope or co-creating with the gods…a better life.

3 July 2019

Day 8 post op. I am healing 🙂. Reflux still bad but medication reduced it slightly during the night. Pain from Surgery is much better too. Although it hurt for a few hours during the night. I have not taken endone for over 2 days now.

I feel much better albeit still weak. My spirit, however is as usual, Supranormal. Fighting trolls on the internet instead of focusing on my own health. But the great work can never stop. The truth and righteousness must always be highlighted in these darkest of times.

One soul at a time we switch them on and remind them of whom they truly are. We build an army of light workers. Wake them up, straighten them Up then send them on their way to light up others.

Hohum. I have not given up on myself or on our beautiful planet.

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3 July 2018

3 July 2017

The Tanya is tired and overwhelmed with various emotional burdens (not her own). But she is transmuting and pushing out quills of her own as Phoenix women are wont to do.

You can't see them but they are radiant and sublime. I will overcome and in a puff of fire and wind I will be reborn...again. So exhausting but when I look back on all my former rebirthings in this lifetime alone I can take pride and joy in my own steadfast Soul journey.

I created this awesomeness, this fragile beautiful blessèd Being with a lot of help from my soul family who lifted me up on their Wings and flew me to greater heights as I plummeted, in a deathly dive-bomb to the ground.

Those gifts of life and love sustained me, and brought me to this season. You were brave when I was weak and lost in a mire created by hollow evil Shadow people. You honoured and protected me as I battled fiercely for my own life and autonomy.

Most of all you loved me unconditionally and without regret. You were my true mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers.

I salute you!

3 July 2016

Yesterday I was very ill. I had a lovely day in spite of it. At one point I was calling out to G-D for death.

So in the late afternoon I took a Valium which made me so groggy and spaced out (but I drove to the fish and chip shop and bought dinner, then NZ lollies from the shop next door cos my inner child was asking for soothing).

Even in my agony I was thinking about going out again but by 9 pm I thought Fuck it. I have been flogging my body with bad lungs, bad allergic reaction to Broms, bad mental state, feeling intense grief. So yeah. I put myself to bed by 11 pm.

I slept until 9 am this morning. Living on 5-6 hours sleep the past few nights nearly killed me. I need my sleep. Especially when my lungs are bad.

So here I am. Another day. I will get out of bed soon. Face the sunshine, the light and blessings of another day in Paradise.

The happiness is sublime but the deep abyss of my grief is terrifying. All in day's existence. Time to find some sun on my ground and plant myself in it, like I did yesterday.

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So near the end of my night of wild dancing on Saturday morning, around 3.30ish (you know, when the wild witch of Brisbane CBD turns into her usual cynical witty and intolerant-of-sexual-predators self).

I call it the 3 am Fuck Fest (like the Supermarket Fuckers who hand out their phone numbers in the meat aisle) but only slightly worse as they are drunk, socially inept morons who had hours and hours of opportunity to woo women but the switch goes off at 3 am and they realise they are going home. Alone. Again.

Like it is some kind of curse instead of a sign that perhaps if they truly wanted sex/love/attention they should have made some kind of actual effort to hone some skills and learn how to talk nicely to women.

So a young redhead with a lovely woolly red beard approaches me, just as I sling on my Biker Jacket and haul my satchel over my shoulder.

Big Red Dead Shit: “Are you Hot?!”

Me, sardonically: “Nah, are you?”

Big Red: “yeah. Wanna Fuck?”

Me (thinking, oh Jesus I am gonna have to kill this little red bastard): “Nah, I am going home and No I am not here to be fucked so learn how to talk to women”. (Me, being endlessly patient and enormously kind as really he deserves to die).

RedDickhead : “So what are you here for then?”

Me: “Not for the Fucks I give that is for sure”. (Silently honing my claws, gonna play with this one!)

BRED ILLBRED (slight hysteria in his voice).

“So you DENY ME?!”

Me: slightly amazed by new twist of choice in words for flavours of rejection from Celtic one.

“Yeah I deny you. I deny you twice. Once for assuming I am here to be fucked and twice for being rude”.

BRED: “You Deny Me?! I am the best you will ever have.”

Me: (Thinking, Oh sweet baby Moses, here we go, dinner on a plate). I stroke his lovely wooly red beard. Could be a son I was denied by morons/ fate/the universe? One simply does not fuck anything you want to clutch to your chest and nurse like an infant. Ugh!

“Sweetie, if I had a dollar for every man, young or old that approached me with the promise of being the Best I ever had” ...(I have been had by the very best and the very worst but this little fucker could never know that)...

“I would be out of this scumbag place living on the Riviera right now!”

BRED: “Maybe that is your problem, hanging out in scumbag places.”

(The man-child has a point but he still does not get it.)

I turn to walk away, bid goodbye to my friends.

BRED: “I can't believe you DENY me”.

I slap him on his arse, then walk away.

Later in the car, seething with my usual post-party rage at inebriated rape-culture idiots it hits me with a vengeance (Saith the Lord)!

I should have responded with "Yeah, I deny you. I DENY YOU LIKE I DID CHRIST NOW HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR HIM, OR YOU!”

Get thee hence Satan.

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Just got off phone to my beautiful Lyn. I chewed her ear off. Then had a crashing gasping attack as The Beau took advantage of my lack of supervision by trying to kill Tabitha Hen, so it was phone in hand, running, chasing Beau to get him inside (he took the time to capriciously pee on a tree in an act of canine rebellion, as I slavishly, puffed and panted and wheezed after him).

Then hyperventilation then I saw stars then he felt ashamed so he licked my hand. Sweet little chicken serial killer. Great sense of the absurd. My dog the dark Bobo Clown Absurdist and his human, the organ grinders' monkey's arsehole.

So now I am back in bed. Trying to rest. Breathing. Eating potato chips. And Facebooking. Lol!

I am going to visit Lyn this evening. We are having our regular Fire. I will have to wrap up warm!

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3 July 2015

Fuck Yes! And when you do start to heal, yet another psychopath leaps up from the callowed shadows to attack you. Over and over again!

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I look forward tonight to glamming up, going dancing with Karen at the Livewire Bar. I need to thrash about, whirl and stomp. So sad my studded Docs fell apart. I really loved dancing in those.

I spoke to Crystal last night. She reckons it will be good for me in jail. Time to write my book. Lots of new friends and 3 square meals a day, not scrimping on food as I can't afford it. Hah! The universe has my back! One way or the other, I will survive and I will keep my integrity.

I hope the prison uniforms aren't puce or khaki. I hate that colour! It won't be a beauty contest but I still hate to be surrounded by ugly colours!

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Shabbat Shalom! Sun is setting and it is a lovely mauve colour.

I am waiting for the bus, heading into the city to meet Karen. We will look around shops then go to the casino. Largess! Happy Mama! I really need to dance and be vibrantly wild, happy and free!

3 July 2014

Rabbits.....chez moi! LOL. Jo taking me out but I've cuddled the bunnies and even had them on Paltalk. Love them heaps.

3 July 2013

I went to bed at 2 am exhausted. Awake at 4.48 am. Bad reflux. Hmmm. That Will Dispute/stress from my entire life really hit me in the Guts..literally.

Also driving to Maccas and buying myself choc gooey pudding, apple pie, and a large Cappucino at midnight might have been a dumb idea 😕. I blame the capuccino. Of course!

Then of course I wake every night to pee and belch for a few minutes. Lucky Hashem decreed that I remain Single. It's not a good look. Just a GORD look.

Fuck I am sexy! Hahaha! Oh well back to sleep before my mind races with insomnia as well.....

Lmao. Yup got back to sleep then woke at 6 for another sesh of unseemly belching/pee. Menopause sucks too. I had to laugh though.

I just woke up at 12.22 pm so got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. That will help keep me "sane". Get to debrief with my psych today. Lots of unpleasant stuff to tell him. Life is always "interesting" in The Tanya's World. I live in Eternal Optimism that it will get a whole lot better. Hmmm. I wonder?!

At least the sun is shining today. That's Nice! :-)

3 July 2012

Hello all Kiwis! I hope all my friends and family were safe during and after the earthquake! Thinking of you, well apart from those members of my family who have declared me dead... They deserve a good Shake up! Lol! But the good decent folk...I seriously hope you are all ok!

3 July 2011

Just got back from our awesome Mad Hatters' Ladies' Society meet-up. Jade Buddha was awesome and they had a free chocolate fountain out front for dessert. Service was excellent.

We finished up with a quick squiz at the markets, then coffee and cake at The Coffee Club. Thanks Lyn for driving us there, and the short ferry trip from Mowbray Park was refreshing too!

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I can't believe I am still awake. I was so tired when I got home this arvo, because I'd had such a lovely time with my ladies...but I didn't go have a nap and have stayed up since early this morning. (This explains crazy Amore comments below....I get nutty when I'm overtired.

But it's cool cos I love my own madness, keeps me company when I'm alone and bored...nothing better than self-soothing, self-nurturing and talking at all the voices in your head. (Joking about the voices....no...really...)

I also had a lovely long chat to my childhood friend Margaret which was awesome as we hadn't had a chance for my long-winded raving session in a long time. Thanks for putting up with me Margaret. Love you Babe!

So you see, I wasn't just talking to disembodied voices but actual voices down the phoneline so I wasn't quite alone and yeah. Hang on, I have to go afk to argue with myself about which part of me is going to obey and go to bed and which aspect is gonna stay up all night talking shit to myself until even I get tired of the sound of my own voice.

Oh wait, left brain analytical one wins again, only because she knows if I don't sleep I will only get crazier. lol Night all! xxxxxx

3 July 2010

On a clear crisp lovely sunny day, my heart broke...again. Not to worry, Humpty Dumpty Heart will get back on her wall, she always does. She gets humped, then dumped, and slumped but in the end she manages to gazzump!

Sylvia Shine: THATS MY TANYA,SOD THEM ALL,DONT GIVE YOUR HEART, IT'S TIME YOU LEARNT,TANYA,I THOUGHT BY NOW,YOU HAD SEEN THE LIGHT.HUMAN NATURE IS AWFUL SOMETIMES,SOME PEOPLE,KNOW,WHEN THERE IS AN UNDERDOG,THEY CAN KICK,STAND TALL,BE STRONG.HUGS-KISSES-LOTS OF LOVE.SYLVIA X X X X X X X

Me: Lovely Sylvia, I never learn, but that's why I'm so adorable LOL Hugs and kisses to you too, from Queen of the Underdogs (or Under world?) Vassever!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons