Memories: 29 June 2025

29 June 2025

8:05 am Happy Sunday. Grey skies with shining fistfuls of God’s Sunshine defiantly breaking through. It’s cold. 13 degrees celsius. But I am alive…happy…free. The day shakes itself and stretches out before me. What will I make of it today? I have been quite isolated apart from my trip to Carindale on Friday with Lyn and my psych debrief on Thursday.

But I am enjoying my little boy birds and have been contented with my mad little odd jobs. The house is almost “ready”. For what…I am not sure but I look around me and I feel satisfied with all my little tweaks and quirks.

I need to clean all the copper pots and rails again…a big task! And buy some black curtain rail holders to complete the symmetry in the kitchen which noone ever noticed was incomplete but it’s one little job I need to do…then…whatever happens…I am ready!

…

6:35 pm I just had two BCC workers rock up, unannounced, walking through my front garden. I just went out and confronted them. “Who are you and what do you want?”

“We’ve got a job lot to look at your drain?”

Me: What? In darkness, late in the evening? A woman on her own? That’s inappropriate. Come back in daylight hours!” I am livid cos they will likely scrap the job order!

They really freaked me out!

And the really spooky thing was 19 minutes before they arrived I had a spirit say to me “they are coming for a mental health check” I replied “why would they do that? I am perfectly fine!”

Instead of cops…it was men in hi-vis uniforms old enough to be retired sashaying through my garden. They didn’t even have the courtesy to come directly to my front door. Bejaysus…creepy as fuck!

It doesn’t help that I read a short story about a horrific rape during WW2 today! So I am already reactive.

I hope they come back at a reasonable hour during daylight…it’s more sensible that swanning about like arrant geriatric pixies at the bottom of my shitstained premises in darkness. Work in the Light, Boys!!!!! Mama T has Spoken.

…

I finished off Elvis Teddy. I only replaced the front of his pants. It’s too big a job. lol. But he looks a bit brighter.

29 June 2024

Trigger warning: mention of medical procedures and post surgical healing. Also Covid epoch mandates/lockdowns and masking... all now proven to be useless and destructive to society. Heinous it was.

29 June 2023

8:44 am. I woke up an hour ago. Very little sleep. Maybe three hours, if that. Bladder kept me up all night again.

I need to get my blood sugar tested. Which means going to the doctor. Gahhh!

My psychiatrist thinks it’s all the cortisol from my stressors in recent weeks that is being pushed out through my bladder (the copious polyuria is a stress response…but get my blood sugar tested as it could also be diabetes!)

I need to rest as I was so active last night: bladder racing, mind racing, dreaming up manifestations of a full happy respectful love life. Insane making. Why can’t I just die quietly and gracefully like normal people? Why this existential fight to the bitter end complete with fantasies of true love when it’s all over…red rover! What kind of fucked up romantic/idealist/denialist am I?

Part of my charm. My magick. My power. Life…be in it. Flow. Okay don’t flow that much…contain the spleen a little. Lol.

29 June 2022

I am very sick still. Not covid as I was forced to have a RAT test to access my doctor. Heinous!

So I have just had my two weekly debrief with my psychiatrist and am now sitting in my gp’s waiting room. I am only submitting to this, as I need more Ventolin and Seretide. Without which I will definitely die. I have already felt like I am dying for the past few months. So nu…what else is new?

I am a Survivor, a fighter, a warrior goddess and a fool. Only a fool would keep living when all evidence points to the fact that our society is no longer survivable.

SERIOUSLY!!! What the actual fuck?!

But here I sit. Holding on to my physical corpus like it’s a prize.

May the spirits of my ancient ones, gift me peace, a full healing (perhaps in the next dimension) and all the love and honour that was denied me in this incarnation.

…

I got antibiotics, scripts for Brio (like Seretide) and Ventolin . A form for a chest X-ray.

I also got her to scrape my toe which hasn’t healed in 3 years. Well, she got grossed out so handed me the scissors to take a bigger scraping myself. Far out. Treated like I am a leper!

My oxygen stats were quite good considering how weak I feel.

$120. $75 back but it’s a very very short week. Gahhh.

…

29 June 2021

3 day fucking bullshit lockdown. My local Aldi store has run out of most basic supplies. Interestingly and most irritating…cat litter. I had to buy expensive chicken pieces (no affordable meat left!). I had to do my usual shop as I had run out. To be confronted with this travesty.

Soon there will be riots if this keeps up. It’s fucking absurd!

…

1:21 pm I just woke up. I must have been tired. Wow.

I see there is a lockdown tonight. I better hurry up and go get some groceries. Blah. I hate supermarkets at the best of times. I need toilet paper. I hope they have not fucking all run out and stockpiled it again ffs!

29 June 2020

11:11 am. May the Holy Light shine bright in the darkest spaces and purge evil from our midst. May we be protected as a family. May there be a just and swift rectification for the most beneficial outcome for my daughter. Keep her safe and healthy and happy during this traumatic time.

Thank you HaShem/Schechinah and the avenging Angels in service to the Holy One! Amen v’ selah.

…

Today I pray to the Holy One in all manifestations, to protect my daughter. Crystal. Keep her safe from harm. Keep her safe from systemic failures and dangerous threatening men. Amen.

…

…

11:11 pm. Goddesses everywhere, hear my prayer, Blessèd be the free and the wild, beloved be the loyal and the just. In god we trust. Love and lust...sleep I must.

29 June 2019

I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Lyn yesterday. We enjoyed each other’s company and I am grateful for my loving friends who have supported me for decades.

I would not be alive today without their constant loyalty and strength to uphold me in the times where I was under so much attack I was barely able to keep myself alive.

I can only shake my head in bewilderment at how far I have come and how long and winding and dangerous those old roads have been.

But in this new way of existing I have hope for more wisdom and kindness and a bliss that comes from outliving even my own traumas and being in awe of my tiny triumphs and resolutions.

G-d sent me beautiful earthangels, Human and animal to comfort me in the wildest tempests and darkest nights. Blew sunlight and peace back into my soul.

Healed me after each ghastly horror. Held my head just above water. Every single day of my life has been a miracle. I am honoured and humbled.

…

11.10am reflux is very bad which is weird as even that was shut down along with my bowels for the first three days. The bowels awakened yesterday afternoon at 4.30 pm. Miraculous. But my stomach is casting out air like a puffing billy on acid. Gotta love it. It is better when I am upright and out of bed.

Site pain still grinding away. I did not take an endone this morning at 8 am and regret it. I think I will take one now. I wanted to stretch them out to see if the pain decreased naturally. I guess 15 hours without pain relief to discover the pain is still real means I will permit myself some blessed relief.

…

11:48 am. I have just returned from a walk around the block. A short one. My thighs feel like jelly custard but I forced myself. All my life I have had to fight for myself and choose life. Even the one time I did not, someone or something brought me back to this earth. Unloved by most humans. Cherished by the fewest and rarest.

Never more obvious than now in my epic struggle to recover from surgery. Surgery thrust upon me in such haste and then utilised as a test case with loads of traumatic button pushing when I am vulnerable. Then left to die.

But every breath and every moment I choose. Mustang Kwe: push push push myself. Against my own better judgement. It would have been kinder to let me pass away. But the Ein Sof rejected me. Valhalla also.

Not good enough. I get it. I deserve this 7th echelon of hell. My punishment for not allowing dirty filthy rapists to fuck me and maintain my silence. My punishment for my rage and determination to have my own form of freedom and body autonomy. My punishment for wanting my own mind as well.

I thought on my walk, that my life has been so vapid and cruel perhaps because I am the incarnation of my own grandmother Eva who suicided at 54 on 8 March 1949, suffering terribly with TB and from Gisela’s abandonment. It is no accident that in my health torments right now, I too am 54. It is 2019. 70 years later.

But I tried to slip out the back, Jack early when I was only 50. I had made a vow to myself to have a little fun before I die and the gods and angels cast me back to earth as my fun was not quite done yet.

I am glad I suppose, for that extra time. Time spent with Beauregard, Charlie and the cats, with a hen named Betty and some precious time meeting my daughter again after she returned from the UK.

Time with Jarrod who devotedly stepped up the visits to weekly on Mondays as he realised how close he came to losing me completely. Time spent with Lyn who loves me also.

I promised myself I am going to heal from this operation and walk into a newer, better, stronger life. Better not bitter. Perhaps even meet a true Lover one day.

But life is not a romance novel. Not for me. No man has ever loved me as a woman with cptsd deserves to be loved. If anything all my lovers actively tried to kill me.

So here I am. Splonging in the Shadowlands and fuck that Boer nurse for calling me dramatic. She has not lived my life. Young and arrogant and largely stupid they have no idea, no fucking iota of an idea of who I am or whom I shall Become.

But if I could survive one more year or decade by the purest of rage alone, as I survived that initial reaction to the operation, I will do it. But my body says....psy sighs.

My mind must convince my body that she can get through this yet my spirit is already cycling in the stars. Let her be. She was always designed to be free. Gods bless her.

I will love this last vestige of my body/mind/spirit like no mortal or god has ever loved her before. Then I will let her go. She is so valiant, so exquisitely intrinsically beautiful and so worthy. The Tanya. The devilishly hated and tormented Desirée.

Eva’s grandchild. Forced to fulfill a mission Eva cheated herself out of. Unfair. Cruelty. No wonder my mother hated me so.

But I overcame her. I will overcome all my enemies. But now I must rest.

…

Tell Richie to stock up on Wild Turkey... I feel the need for a Piss up.

The fucking short little bone pointer.

Tell Dave I still love him even though he is an inadequate cowardly Machiavellian Piss-Ant. I should like to see his face before me one more time. Watch him shiver and shake with anticipation at my awesome Presence. Squirm...motherfucker. I was The One. Hahaha.

Tell Sarah and Lana I will see them in hell.

Tell The mushroom to grow her own persona.

Tell the rest... I love you. Not that my love was ever worth anything.

Everyone played their role so perfectly. Angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity. Welcome to the world of The Psychedelic Dreamer. Be very afraid when she wakes up. Sing me songs of grandeur and majesty. Deceive me not with your trickster masks and falsity. Even from my bed I see you...shaking that ass!

Laughter in the spheres. I know...right. Formidable!

…

…

Everyone has head for the hills except for Lyn who came to me on third day post-op as she knows that is the crisis-point. Except it was today. I thought I might die again today. But somehow I managed to get through it with more endone and more sleep.

But I see I have been cast off like a dirty rag. No energy left for anger or grief any more. When this ordeal is over I will be leaving. This has been a wake up call par excellence. The universal schmuck kick up the arse I did not need when I was already in agony.

All good. All very good. Superficial friends and toxic family who damage me in crisis can get out of my life. I think I will delete Facebook soon. It has served me well to keep a record of the past 10 years of my life. But it was also an intimacy with the cosmos that bred only scorn and contempt.

My entire life has been for nought. The love I poured into certain people an exercise in cascading vapidity. My stories shall disappear with me. They served me well to keep me sane in extraordinary atrociously cruel circumstances.

I shall carry them with me, wherever I go. Let them serve as reminders of the good, the bad and the ugly. My name will be another whisper on the wind and my heart will sing its own songs, preserved for the few who have proven themselves true.

Carry on, nothing to see here!

…

What the fuck is the point? Curious and curiouser.

…

Pain worse, even with one endone. I can’t find the clean bandages the hospital stuffed in my bag as I walked out. So umm patched myself with bandaids. Funny! Legs weak, rib cage and back radiating pain. But that was possibly because I overdid it by walking this morning. (More like a slow zombie shuffle...I had to chuckle at myself. Back to my default state).

Lady Death is on standby, the Angels are flying by and I am just getting by.

But maybe after I eat the chicken Kievs I am heating in the oven, I will have the strength for another night. Maybe.

Update 29 June 2025: ….Lady Death is on Standby…but never far away…She loves me, that force of Nature…all good. I have healed from that particular surgery…but it was an evil ordeal made even more sadistic by cruel staffing and other abuse dynamics on the part of family members. Nevermind…they are both estranged now. It’s actually a relief. To be free of their sadism.

I look forward to real soul nourishing loves in my future.

29 June 2017

Buggar all sleep again (Watch out World!). Finally settled to sleep after 4 am and awake at 7.17 am. Arghhhh! Not cool!

My former psychiatrist warned me there would come a day when I can only sleep for 3 or 4 hours. I laughed and laughed hysterically and he blinked and smiled at me assuredly. (Enjoy your 20 hours somnolence while it lasts, Sweetie!)

It lasted for quite a while but now I’ve got the menopause blues and sleep deprivation and the loneliness blahs. Living longer than expected has some interesting and weird kickbacks.

…

I had a lovely day yesterday. Productive time in the garden installing the new garden arch, then made recycled candles from my collection of old candles.

Then Jenny invited me for Hungarian goulash and apple pie that she made herself (both delicious!! Thanks Jenny!) Then we went to Dancing in the Dark. Then I came home and made a few more candles.

Really creative day! Now quite exhausted but gonna have a cup of tea and watch a spooky movie.

…

…

Watching Preacher S2, Ep 2. Omg, darkly hilarious!!

29 June 2016

…

I have upset myself so much that I had to go lie down, after an epic coughing fit that even Bobo got concerned about. As I was gasping and hacking on my knees, he reached up to Hug me. So now we are lying on the couch. Comforting each other.

Still. Need. Valium! Or to fill my script of 10 pills. But doing well, drug free, dickhead free. Feeling my feels. Almost breathing free. Home free.

…

…

I just wrote a scathing letter to my Labour local member of parliament about her staff's inefficiency and the systemic abuse of Commonwealth bank. She won't care. Got an election seat to win to feather her nest. Fuck I miss Kevin Rudd. He actually cared about his constituents.

But I am flapping and floundering like a dying fish but you know, I will be heard even if my scream into the vacuous spacious arsehole of the Australian government (so deep no one can hear you scream so we scream into the Void) is moot (mute!)

I told her to enjoy her closeted fascism. As a survivor of survivors of another holocaust I have some experience in these issues.

The buck stood with her and her govt pension. Stolen from the workers and the disabled and chronic poor.

They will increase the cost of living until we starve to death.lol. Fuckers!

…

I need to start my own political party. The Freedom from Oppression party. What can we call it? Who is in? Kelly Anne, you and me baby. You have the west coast of Stralishit and I have the East coast.

Forget the Labour Party. They only service the 1 per centers too.

We need to effect a groundswell change and we needed it years ago. A peaceful revolution.

…

29 June 2015

Jarrod made me an etsy account. His Bio of me is hilarious. Inappropriately hilarious!

…

…

Thank you, Sally for the Glicks Bagels, Challah, and the Lindt chocolates. The Lindt chocolates are nothing short of Divine. Every mouthful was a blissful delight. I am so happy and grateful!

Presently heating up a bagel. Real Bagels...OMG! Another culinary delight I have missed out on for many years. You certainly spoil me!

29 June 2014

3.47 am. Home. Alone. Again. Naturally :-).

I had fun dancing with Jabba then with George. My feet hurt so much even the cold concrete outside the casino didn't soothe them so I came home.

I bought KFC on the way home (yayy I had my car! Freedom!). The chicken was disgusting! Like foul! Oh well. The chips were delicious and much needed. Now watching some schlocky horror movie. I think it is a horror movie?

Still in love unrequited. Ahh such sweet sorrow! The euphoria was epic. Glad that I put that on hold. I was losing my grip on reality lol. Now back in the gutter with a thud, living amidst the other Fallen Angels.

HaShem denies me Love and Prosperity. Nothing New under the Sun. I am accursed but I shep Naches where I can. Dancing my life into the dust. Who am I to look for stardust when I am condemned to Fall so magnificently?

(Fuck off Charles Bukowski! He's laughing at me!). Pity the Fool on the Hill! Sore feet, scarred heart but ever the psychedelic dreamer!

…

5.22 am need sleep now!

…

It's been a tough 24 hours for this little chick. S/he pipped its shell at 8 pm last night. Crystal took it home with her to nurse so I could go out. Then this morning she had to release it from its membrane that had dried like shrink wrap around her/him.

Now I am at her place. We gave it some watery honey for energy (my idea). I didn't like its body temp so covered it in tin foil for a while. It is now warm and starting to move a bit. Phew! I think the little buggar is gonna make it.

This is my good karma to make up for the many thousands of slaughtered chickens I have eaten on my lifetime. Bringing a chicken back from the brink of death makes one ashamed to be a carnivore.

29 June 2011

Oy, after all that enforced walking yesterday to get to buses etc, my buttcheeks ache, my hips ache, my shins ache, I have black circles under my eyes, and I am truly exhausted. Trying to work out why my shins ache, maybe my Doc Martens were too heavy for me lol.

29 June 2010

Loving life, hating Winter but looking forward to Spring. My Jonquils have one bud already. First time I've grown them successfully. My Tulip bulbs are growing well, hopefully they will flower properly as Tulips are hard to grow in Brisbane.

I have an entire flock of Pink and grey Galahs coming for the wild seed I started putting out a couple of months ago. Words out and I am delighted to see them.

Update 29 June 2025: This winter has been the coldest for a few years…but I am loving it. A great shift has occurred in my consciousness…a thing called Happiness. In spite of all the ugliness and hate projected by others. Defiance is a gift! An art form and at times…a spiralling meteoric triumph. A healing!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons