Memories: 28 December 2025

28 December 2025

1:47 am I am exhausted and dizzy but another skein of Alpaca fleece is spun and plied. I watched an Aussie tv show called “Thou Shalt Not Steal” which is excellent.

Time to hit the hay.

…

8:30 am oh FFS. A Huge backslide. Expect a whole lot of crazy today. The Tanya will be in overdrive to compensate for her nocturnal suffocations. Well, I lived like this for over 23 years without cpap therapy. I got through life alone, in a constant state of exhaustion. What’s one more day? Lmao!

…

7:56 pm I just posted these on instagram. I have worked hard, hammering and now filing. I am so tired….but I have a beef lasagna in the oven which will satisfy my hunger…then I will rest for the rest of this evening.

“Boudicca” doesn’t have to burn down Rome in one day, even if I feel like a rocket jet slammed me up my tochas….out of left field out of nowhere….on a day I had bad sleep results and even took to my bed for a while this arvo. Who is this version of The Tanya? I barely recognise her. Powerful, steadfast, co-creative with the gods and forging ahead with all her little projects. Sweetness!

28 December 2024

7:35 am. Hmmm…I danced wildly as per usual last night. Came home at 2:30 am. Didn’t sleep until 5 am. The dawn was lightly fingering its way out of its nocturnal hibernation.

But this is highly unusual..and a good result. If I can do this every time I sleep…I wonder? What will I be able to achieve? My doctors informed me that cpap would take about 6 to 12 months to work on me.

Oh how I doubted! Mistrusted, was furious, despaired, railed against a medical intervention that historically had failed me. So what has changed?

Merely my will to Thrive, to jive turkey my hide to my own oblivion if that’s what it takes but I kept my vow to my worthy stubborn psychiatrist to persevere… to see this out.

It’s only 2 hours of sleep with no ceasing breathing. There’s been a lot of epic backsliding in recent weeks. But here it is…the Magick is happening. The Tanya is healing herself while symbiotically and rather courageously and equally stoically, healing others.

Holding us in the web of life gifted us by the gods of our various understandings, like a consolidated binding blanket of deep honour and peace.

So I must ask myself? Who are you? What are you becoming? Why are you even here? Rhetorical questions that just give me a glimpse into my new timeline reality.

I will keep fighting forwards. Keep living, keep loving, keep dancing. Keep believing in my own silly older self. This woman that is starting to blow her own mind. It’s terrifying. Humbling. Astounding. But somehow…exquisite.

…

So weird thing from last night’s dance:

A nice looking man of my vintage who is friends with two women who are also regulars approached me on the dance floor. He says “Hi, I’ve seen you a few times, I thought I’d introduce myself”. My instincts go “online” as I thought he was involved with Zie. Hmm I thought…hmmm.

But I like a man with couth and cojones so I politely told him my name and extended my hand to shake his. He automatically went to hug me. I instinctively but subtly, recoiled.

He laughs and says “Oh, I was going to hug you. You don’t like hugs?” I replied “Not with new men I just met. No, for a hug I need to feel comfortable with you. That could take some time….”

He replied rather whimsically “Oh, how much time? 20 minutes?”

I laughed and said “Too soon but oh, you are delightfully cheeky!” He says “when can I expect a hug then?”

I said “oh, approximately in 18 months if you don’t piss me off too much in that time period.”

He laughed, more in shock as he realised I was serious.

Says “18 months! One and a half years?!!!!” I nodded again. “Yeah…if you don’t fuck it up!”

He turns to Zie, whines to her that I won’t hug him for 18 months. She looks at me with amazement but mischief. She knows a good windup when she sees one.

He turns to me again…”it’s been 17 months three weeks 6 days and 34 minutes…do I get a hug yet?” I ask him if he is a mathematician? I am mildly impressed by his persistence.

I reply “Nup, and quit acting as if I owe you a hug. It’s starting to feel like Marry-age!” I snigger in the style of Patsy from Ab Fab who would have been my muse but she was a nymphomaniac (the character Patsy not the actor Joanna Lumley, you understand) but I recognised that snigger as it curled up off my circumspect wizened lips.

Marri-aggggeeeeee! Honestly, he seemed a sweet man. Nice looking. Had couth. Bit drunk and silly but it’s the silly season so I think to myself …be kind, Tanya. You don’t have to break every man’s balls.

So I step back with great amusement and resume dancing. He turns to me and says “You could be my sister?”

“Oh” I say, thinking, this is a twist as I doubt he had any “sisterly” intentions towards me initially so now he’s backpedaling as fast as he can. But I kinda feel a tad relieved. A man who sister-zones you at the outset is trying to appear non-threatening.

Or he intuited my Shamanic ways and wants to worship at my personal altar. Lol. Hahahaha. It’s probably time I permitted entrance to the inner Sanctum Santorum but bejaysus. Maenads must guard their loins. Open only for The One worthy of my essence. (Is it even worth it at this late phase of my life: the sexual Frottering?)

It’s been so many years I actually don’t think it’s worth pushing myself off that calcified encrusted shelf. (I should name my vagina “Barney” short for barnacles… or is that yet another barmicide or has me and my vagina just gone troppo in the shvitsing Bris Bane heat! (Barneyyyyy… Tanyyyyyyy. Och gott mensch, Omi is here!) Actually it would need to be with a man I deeply trust and feel comfortable hugging, at the bare minimum.

Anyway, old mate who seems quite sincere says to me “yeah, I’ve been watching you in recent weeks…” (ew I think…who admits to that right out of the box? -see what I did there?) “….and you remind me of my sister! She acts all tough and unapproachable too, but underneath she’s marshmallow! So I have decided that you are soft and marshmallow too, and not at all as hardboiled as you project to people!”

Scales descend over my eyes, an interesting ‘line’ this one…one I have heard before.

“So what you are saying is you’d like to be the one to crack me wide open so I show you my soft vulnerable underbelly”. Zie laughed uproariously.

I wink to her “Now you know why I am eternally single and give out zero fucks”. She laughs again. I like her. “John” if that is his real name, goodnaturedly removes his attentions elsewhere. I “sing” internally with relief…every nerve ending rejoicing.

My angels sing…not The One…not The One. Just wait, Tanya…for The One. He’s close by and won’t play fucked up emotional psychosexual games.

Yeah…whatever!

So my night progresses. The dance gets wilder and more triumphant and as the night flows into the space-time continuum the crowd thins out until there were only 6 customers and the band. But all good. We thrived. We had a jolly good time. Tanya didn’t get cracked open like a hard boiled egg on concrete.

Nice men come…nice men go….The Tanya does what she needs to do to be happy and safe. Stays alone but open to potentiates. Rides shotgun with her angels. (Trust me that too, is a carefully calibrated artform…tricky little buggars at times!)

The “Sisterhood” of asexual celibate maenads meets next Thursday. In a paradigm far far away. By the gods when I release that tightly wound sexuality it’s gonna be …amazing with a wonderful man who truly values, cherishes, respects and cares for me.

Mama T has Spoken!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

PS for frame of reference as only very few close friends understand my codes. “Tanyyy” is a fucking trigger as my German mother used to shriek that name out when I was a child, ably and masterfully avoiding the evil psychotic bitch by playing at the beach, often hiding behind the rocks, laying low, pretending I was dead or gone far far away from her clutches.

It’s how my shamanic life-death-life attributes kicked in…it’s probably why I have sleep apnoea …too many near deaths as a child as I wanted out from the age of 6 although the long tango with Santa Muerte began when I was 4 with whooping cough and measles - an epidemic that killed many children that year in Wellington. FFS.

But by 6 years of age I knew that Death and me were going to be long intimate pals and we would have to have many many close encounters and standoffs if I were going to reach adulthood. That “knowing” weighed heavy on a child’s psyche. Very very heavy.

But here I am, alive, thriving, even fucking breathing better at night. I turn 60 in April. If I make it that long …one can never truly be certain when Lady Muerte finally claims one…it’s going to be epic. A huge milestone. A miracle…if truth be told.

This long long life that did not seem plausible even ten years ago. Breeeeowwwww but I made it this far. Might as well keep going…one foot in front of the other. Jewel encrusted barnacles. Throw in some whale vomit (ambergris), some filigree, some agreements with souls who came to cherish and adore me…who knows what Magick I might yet manifest. Yippy yi yo… on we go.

Call me or my vagina… Tanyyyyy and I may literally kill you…lmao. Psy sighs (short for psychedelic dreamer sighs!)

“Och Gott Mensch” is German for “Oh dear God”.

“Omi” means grandma.

If I say “Omi is here” then everyone look busy ‘cos that evil bitch can still find me across vortices of time and space because of our biological connection. I did grow in its womb at one time. Toxic mothers are the worst kind of albatross. Hard to shake off. She even invaded my reading with my beautiful talented medium friend recently.

Old me would have immediately started a full blown exorcism but I’ve calmed down in the past, almost 15 years since Gisela’s death. She can’t hurt me anymore. I’ve reached homeostasis. She can pop up in memories or in my mad stream of consciousness, but she means nothing…nussink!

Just someone who betrayed me over and over and over again, right up to 2 1/2 years after her death. That’s how perverted, sadistic and evil her control over me: her second child was. It’s why I have zero tolerance for sadists, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines, drug addicts, pissweak people that can’t cope with even mild discomfort but expect others to fix everything for them.

If I tolerate your badddd behaviours I love you a lot. Possibly dangerously so, since we may not be vibing together safely. Then I will desist, resist, chew my own arm off if I have to and trust me, it will hurt me more than the toxic person as they never care about the train wreckage they leave behind in others’ lives. They are unconscionable and any forgiveness you foolishly proffer them with your sweet naïve misguided Judeo-Christian programming is weaponised by them.

Lived it… too long…too long.

So yes, sometimes I have to kick my own arse and ask myself? Why would you invest in a person that only repetitively hurts you. Cos patterns do repeat. It’s part of the trauma bond.

So love me authentically, wholeheartedly, at times courageously, sweetly, kindly… or do not darken my fucking aura. Don’t even breathe next to me. Just nod politely and move along. No harm no foul.

Thank you in advance.

I am proud and happy to have culled most psychic vampyres out of my life. To be surrounded by supportive sweet kind people. But yes, abusers love to find cracks and inveigle themselves in. Eat you out from the inside. Steal your very soul. So when you identify that? Don’t allow it.

The only thing my mother ever taught me that had any real value was how to survive narcopaths. But it wasn’t easy. It took 59 years and frankly…I am done living with her Hag. She pops in at Christmas time cos she can. But tchuess…thanks for the gift of Life, Mami…but it’s MINE NOW.

Comment: Dear goddess, let me push myself off this hell loop onto a better groove. Let me have the love of a good kind honouring man. Let me have prosperity, either shared or on my own merits (rolls eyes…that’s a miracle just in that). Let me have good healthy constructive communication with my true beloved ones.

Let me be safe. Let me be happy for the rest of my life (it’s addictive when you finally get a taste of it!) an ambrosia from the gods. Lol.

Let that safety not stymy my creativity or freedom. Or become yet another hell loop or soul trap.

Let me manifest better health, peace, comfort and ease with beautiful people who truly See me and support me in my Magick, my life goals, my future that must start from Now and from deep within, in a profound soul healing. It’s tantalisingly close…that most wonderful positive outcome. I am almost hear it “breathing”.

Amen v’ selah

…

4:21 pm

Sowilo, Othala. Holy Shit. It’s a fusion of spirit and cultures…my Jewish and Viking ones.

The Ancestors that love me are present and expressing themselves quite affirmatively.

I am Called into service in the most humbling terrifying ways. Can I do it? What more do they require of me?

Time will tell. Watch this space.

…

Happy fourth night of Chanukah. I am late lighting the candles. It’s been a lovely day, but I am exhausted from last night’s dance. I didn’t sleep much, then it was a scathing hot day today.

I wonder what the fourth day of Chanukah will surprise me with? (Our days begin at sundown, so the ‘day’ has already begun!)

The third day was quite spiritual. I wrote reams of my usual mad ramblings. But also last night, my iPhone oddly “pocket dialed” my elder daughter on my drive to the club. It was very weird as I had sat my iPhone on the passenger seat out of my reach when my iPhone lit up with Crystal’s name. I mistakenly thought she had tried to call me which was astonishing as we have had a long 15 month estrangement.

So thinking it was an emergency (Mothers never stop being mothers, for the love of all the gods) I stupidly tried to phone her back. Then when I parked my car I checked my iPhone again and it was “me” who had phoned her which is not possible, as I was driving with both my hands on the wheel. Odd.

I was playing music on my car radio so perhaps Siri thought I had said “Call Crystal” but how that could happen I have no idea?

I did text her to let her know it was not me trying to disturb her at 10pm at night and that it was accidental. Yesterday was her grandmother Hilda’s birthday so perhaps she was the meddlesome spook?

Anyway I will put it down to some weird spiritual interference and let it go…

This evening I randomly decided to call my half sister’s half sister Heidi who has always been very supportive and loving to me on Instagram. (In spite of our mutual relatives’ long estrangements!) We had a lovely chat together. I received sad news that our mutual half sister is very sick and her husband also. Well, they are 15 and 16 years older than I, so 74 and 75 respectively.

I don’t bear them any malice and wish them better health. But I also don’t wish to reconnect with them. It is what it is.

But I was very happy to chat with Heidi who is the only remnant from that branch of the family (the German/Polish bloodlines) to keep in contact with me. A dear sweet woman. Love you, Heidi x

28 December 2022

I have had a busy productive day. I made a back burning incense holder from ebony wood and an epns silver soup spoon. I bent the spoon weeks ago but got stymied by depression so I lost the motivation to make anything. But my energy kicked back in today and I worked all day on various projects.

I also received 6 mm copper pipe I ordered a few months ago so I got to work cutting it to fit my cutlery canteen/jewellery display. I made plugs out of ebony wood as the thinner pipe was too loose in the sockets. Just making the plugs to fill the holes took me several hours.

Then I finished off the stand for the incense burner. That took several hours of sanding and drilling holes for the screws to hold it together.

I am so exhausted but happy with my creativity today!

28 December 2021

Dear Facebook, you keep sending me Account Restriction notifications and claim that fact-checkers disagree with my worldviews. (Claim I am disseminating false Information). The last one you restricted I don’t even know which one that is, as you did not even show me, was on 27 December.

I get that you or mainstream people don’t understand or “Like” that I believe in Aliens/ the gods/alternate realities/faeries/spirits/ghosts etc etc etc.

I don’t believe in your draconian stifling of Truth, other people’s belief systems, etc etc, politics, anthropomorphic egocentric myopic orgasmic death cultured bullying either.

But here we are!

I have 99 friends. (99 luft balloons or bottles on the Wall!) Out of those 99 about five interact with me regularly and are dear valued true friends. The rest are just here for the shits and giggles or perhaps schadenfreude or idle curiosity.

I observed some of your staff recently “followed” my page! I wondered why that may be. I don’t understand the point of “followers” who don’t have the courage of their convictions to “Friend” me.

A person might wonder if these were real people or spy bots?

I am such in an innocuous harmless little old lady, alone in my garden with my pets and hobbies and my cobbled together spirituality mostly based on self determination after decades of trauma I experienced with “organised” religions. Ahem! That now you see me as a threat to the Meta verses?

Say what?! Don’t you know Mr Zuckerberg and his minions, that the Multiverse is way way bigger than that.

I mean really, truly! It is both spiritual abuse, and a deprivation of my individual rights to Silence me.

I am sure most of my friends that think I am batshit crazy or disagree with me just scroll on by when my posts come up on their “feed”. Anyone with half a brain knows not to read anyone’s thoughts or ideas they find irksome or problematic.

I am not out to convert anyone, to take prisoners, to hold hostage to my worldview. I am Doing my best to survive this covid epoch that has turned most people into mindless drones.

Living in fear of our doctors/scientists/governments and now “fact checkers” lol! When an entire global population is hijacked by fear -strange things happen to innocent people.

Last night I watched “Just Look Up” about an impending comet that was about to destroy humanity. I had to laugh.

Don’t you know that even Hollywood is taking the piss out of everyone’s apocalyptic fears and making money out of it? Or magically setting worse case scenarios in virtual reality so the salivating gods of death and destruction that inspired prophets of old can be assuaged and perhaps we can reset the timelines to a more beautiful, safe, peaceful future.

That beauty, that safety starts from within each human soul. It has to be created. It has to be fought for and it has to be carefully maintained and protected. Like a beautifully pruned topiary tree.

I need to access that ability to make money. Instead of gifting AI all my thoughts, dreams and aspirations for Free only to be “restricted” for that freedom of thought, soul, mind.

I have already lived in stringent restrictions whilst subsisting on a pension. Now you want to stunt my Voice, and my Truth as well.

I find it interesting that every time I strive to attain some level of success that I am Stymied, silenced, threatened by some faceless cowardly authority figure. I try not to think it’s personal but it’s starting to look Personal.

You know, I don’t accept Abuse. I have had a lifetime of it. So if Facebook wants to be “off its face” for the holiday season (like all patriarchies, acting out their control dramas when people are striving to celebrate life, freedom and happiness!) then You and I will have to part ways and I will have to get off your Wall. Off your grid. Out of your control.

I will be sad to leave my 99 friends. But life will go on.

Dear true and loyal loving fb friends: pm me if you wish to Maintain a connection/friendship outside of this program, if you wish to have my email address or mobile phone number so we can communicate interpersonally away from Facebook or Instagram.

I can see the time is nascent when we will be isolated from each other (not by choice but by increasingly external pressures!)

You know one of my mottos “the only way to win a game is not to play”. I will not allow my truth however alternative to the current mainstream peddling bots to be silenced. I don’t play games: I don’t have any interest in winning or losing anything. I am Me.

May the new year bless us all with better health, prosperity, truest deepest loves, true and loyal faithful partners, a community that supports and cares for us. More joy, more peace and more empowerment and self determination for those that were unfairly discriminated against, because we grew up from and over abusers in all aspects of our lives.

Yes we are unique. But that is our superpower and our beauty and our honour.

Never let the bastards grind you/me/us down.

We are humanity. Hold the line!

…

Wow! I slept until midday. (Finally fell asleep around 3 am). I am sitting in my garden, munching on the last of the trifle, with a cup of tea and Charlie and Bobo beside me!

It’s windy and cooler today. It rained during the night. Beautiful day, not too hot!

Last night I bought more paua shells. So I am excited about that. It’s a lot of work cutting them up for jewellery or inlays but I love them so much.

I have a tool for gem setting on back order with AJS so that will be another step in that direction.

I am going to have to be judicious with my pension as I need to buy sterling silver and possibly some gold so I can learn to make jewellery. But for now the paua shells will keep me occupied!

I made drawer handles out of two of the skulls that I made with resin and the scraps of broken paua/abalone that were left over from cutting out hearts and dots for my inlay projects. So I am delighted I found a way to use up all the leftover scraps.

Life is good. I have real hope for my future at long last! Even though it’s taking me a long time to gather my resources. 🙂

28 December 2020

…

Gosh I feel exhausted. But I had another lovely day even if I did get too much sun while paper making.

Life is good! :-)

28 December 2019

11:11 pm angels, hear my call! Love me to the end of this paradigm and Beyond. Call me Home. Kiss me and let me soar free.

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9:21 am so in the last few days of 2019 which has been another difficult year but intensively healing...I managed to be arsekicked by a pinched sciatic nerve. In my left buttock, which makes it hard to walk or even lie comfortably in bed. I think I got a little chill from the fan blowing cool air on my hot menopausal tochas as I throw my doona off when I overheat.

I didn’t go dancing last night as I felt exhausted then this happened as well.

Oh well, more resting then perhaps I will drag myself out later.

28 December 2018

Today I am healing from the horror of Xmas eve and other foul abandonments. I am sitting on the grass, lovingly cradled by the earth and my heart is reconverging its brokenness.

I am being seen and loved by my beautiful bird Charlie and my dog, Beauregard. I am grateful for the love from Mark and Ruby, Lyn, Terrie, Karen, Laura and Louise who have checked in with me and honoured me with their love and time in recent days. Thank you!

My life is extraordinary in its traumas and deep spiritual gifts and I remain hopeful that the time is coming when the spirits/gods/elementals/ will permit me a love that is big and true, respectful and loyal, life-affirming and blessed.

Until that time arises I need to be the love that was so scorned and scarified. I need to be one with my G-d and all that is so that no one, no man woman or child can ever hurt or betray me again.

A mission that was always my life’s quest. To rise above the filth, the torture and to Become. Worthy. Loveable. Whole.

…

Another day in Paradise.

…

28 December 2017

11:27 am. Just got up. It’s raining. Hot and humid but wet. The garden will appreciate it.

What can I tell you? 6 days after today. My daughter. Incoming! Woot!

I had some weird dreams this morning. In one I was taking Toni Childs on a tour of what looked like the Wairarapa. The craggy outcrops I used to fantasise about visiting from my home in Island Bay. Across the harbour on the opposite side of the most southern parts of the North Island.

I dreamed we went shopping in a fancy mall (reminiscent of Sanctuary Cove or Marina Mirage here on the Gold Coast). Then we popped into one fancy store to visit a friend of hers who owned it and for some reason I laid down my ancient musquash coat on a chair along with and old suit and left it there while Toni and I went to visit a magical Place.

She was amazed when I started floating in the air and turning around in circles 6 ft off the ground. “How you doing that, Tanya?” “Just imagine you are pure light, Toni and you float up. It’s awesome. Not sure how to get back down to the ground though” and I giggled like a chortling school girl.

Next thing I knew I am back at the mall in the store and I ask the shop owner if my coat sold? He says “No, come pick it up. I got better things to do than sell old lady fur coats.” With a wave of his hand in annoyance.

Underneath the large upholstered chair were tiny perfume bottles. “you can have them if you want” so I crawl on the carpet and gather up the bottles, like about 20 or 30 of them. Stand up, smooth down my clothes, grab the fur coat and tailored suit (one I gave to Ashleigh in real life).

Toni says to the guy, “we not gonna have dinner together?” “Nah, I got other plans. A dinner date”. We look at each other, a tad disappointed. I roll my eyes. Bloody men. Blech! We leave the store.

The atmosphere (apart from the middle aged supercilious mincing queen of a shop owner) was light. There was a golden glow to everything. I felt happy even as I was rejected by the shopkeeper.

When we were at the rocks and I flew or floated I felt joyful and free. I did not care that I had no money or that I was perceived to be not good enough. In fact I was literally elevated.

No idea what the perfume bottles being gifted to me, but I had to scramble on the floor under the chair, were about.

Anyway the musquash coat still exists. I let Crystal use it for one of her plays but it started unravelling and bits of its fur fell off (it is about 100 years old). I have not thrown it out yet or composted it as you know, it was a gift from my godmother when I was 16 years old and I cherished it. Those dead Alaskan water rats did not die in vain.

I should do something with the remaining fur. I don’t know what to make from it. Merkins??? Lmao!

I have another coat from my mother that hangs useless in my wardrobe. Still wearable. I might donate that to a theatre one day.

28 December 2015

I love my Chris Pantano balls I bought years ago at Montville. I used to love visiting his studio and watching him at work. Amazing stuff!

…

Annette visited and brought me a yummy lunch, cherries, plums and apricots and beautiful chocolates. We had a lovely time together watching Beauregard show off for her and playing with Mushu. Thank you, Annette X

…

I better get up to let Beauregard run amok. I have had 3 hours sleep. Wired for sound. Gonna be Crazzzy later. Or fall back into bed :-).

…

5.34 am. I had a lovely night out last night. Danced until 2 then went outside to spend time with Katrina. She gave me a $5 chip as she can't cash it as she is banned from casino. I told her I would change it but give the money back to her. She wanted me to keep the $5.

I changed it, gave it to her but let her buy me a coffee at the 7-11 later on. We sat until 4.30 am then I headed home in time to witness the most beautiful sunrise.

Bobo was happy to see me. I took him outside for his morning ablutions. Then brought him into my bed but he had the bities and chewed my hands, arms and refused to settle so he is back in his dog crate.

Pity. I felt like a snuggle. Penny is here instead, curled up at my feet. He really annoyed her too.

28 December 2014

It's hard not to get stuck in grief sometimes. I had a fight with my daughter who can't or won't relate to me, emotionally. I went dancing last night. I keep moving through life even though it is plastic and full of mirrors and superficial and mostly fucked.

But it's better than the Zombie lifestyle I lived for over 20 years, a barely functioning auto-maton, determined to survive long enough to raise my kids. Alone, with no real family support and no money.

Well, I did it. I am a raging fucking success as a woman and a mother. I still don't know how I made it through to be alive in this moment and to be the proud mother of adult children. (No matter one rejected me out of hand cos I am poor and damaged and the other one thinks she can only be in my life cos I emotionally blackmail her).

Fuck that Shit. Fuck the Hell off. I have faced Death so many times the Bitch has love bites on my neck. I had to fend Her off, just to get us through.

I am not wanted, never was wanted. If I left this planet in a trice, noone would give a rats arse, except a few. 3 people might say, "Oh god, what a tragic waste." Those 3 people might be the only ones who know what it cost me, ethically, financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, to be alive and yet still remain a loving decent person.

Everyone else would either be relieved or throw a party.

Well I am Worth more than that and I know it. So I take up space and oxygen and I dance and I laugh in the face of the absurdities of simply being Me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And Stronger. And still yet stronger.

I am sick of being strong, alienated, cast aside, brutalised and used. Seriously, over it.

…

Socks just had a baby scrub turkey in his mouth. I had to prise his jaws open to free it. Then he raced after it again. It was laying on its back playing dead. I grabbed Socks. Put him inside. Went to pick up the baby bird but he ran away. Hopefully he doesn't die from his injuries.

Sally Castle: I tell you, he's a brutal killer. Always was.

Me: He growled and snarled at me all night as I wouldn't let him outside to hunt. He really gave me a bollocking. Bloodthirsty little bastard. I let him out at 2 pm when I got up. He was so happy about that.

Sally Castle: Keep him inside at night - he grew up used to that. Little beggar.

…

Kookaburras are singing their morning melody. Cats are purring. Crickets are chirping. I am happy (albeit exhausted!)

…

4.10 am. Home safe. I had a great night out. Now can't feel my legs or feet :-). The nice hot shower helped wash the sweat off but I really need to soak my tootsies but I am too tired now.

Time for a nice hot cup of tea, methinks.

28 December 2013

This link was sent to me by my friend Jarrod and having just read it in its entirety it completely resonates with me as a NZer, and perhaps as a Viking of Scottish ergo Norse descent. I am just blown away by the symbolism being so perfectly preserved and the myth of the NZ faery folk actually being ancient white people is also amazing and something that I had read about long ago.

It inspires me to once again purchase a greenstone Tiki, which is the symbol of good luck, fertility (well, I'm past that stage lol) and protection. I think it would be a wise amulet for a Wise Woman to at least have amongst my precious treasures.

Interestingly, I've been wearing the African fertility goddess earrings that Carol bought me many years ago in Zimbabwe so this is attracting synchronistic energy. While I may not be fertile physically any more, I certainly could enjoy some rampant abundance and joyous reinvigoration and potential prosperity? Psychedelic Dreamer Dreams.....Psy Sighs lmao.

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7.54am. Still haven't been to bed. I found Hecate with a red raw chest and abdomen area. Looks like moult. Couldn't find any bird lice but I gave her a cool bath in some natural pet soap I used on Bella. She seemed to find the bath a tad soothing although I am sure it was unorthodox treatment for a chook. Then I put aloe vera on the red sore skin. She also didn't fight me on this. I gave all 3 hens some worms as extra protein is needed for feather production.

Not sure what else to do. Hopefully the aloe vera heals the sore skin. I hadn't realised she was so bad until I had a good look at her this morning.

The poor bedraggled creature is now trying to lay an egg which is insane as in the state she is in, she should be off the lay. Hmmm.

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6.22 am still awake, still facebooking. Wow. I had a lovely time with Sarah. So glad we went out. I needed to dance and rock out. Weather finally looking murky here, perhaps we will get the long awaited storm??? I am all revved up so methinks today is the day.

Did I mention I feel extraordinarily happy? Well, not too happy, but happier than usual. Going to get off the internet, and go commune with my hens and goldfish. Then perhaps sleep. Check yas!

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3.39 am. home safe. Had a great night rocking out with Berst and my favourite Rock chicks Sarah, Shauna and Sam.

28 December 2012

The lovely rainstorm which smelt sweeter than Honey when it came through as lifted my spirits and refreshed my dehydrated old husk of a body. It's awesome! It will be great out tonight with the freshly electricity charged ions. I wonder if the men will be equally as 'charged'? I might have to keep my eyes open LMAO!

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8.43 am. Still knackered but got woken by BCC mowing men whippersnappering next to my car. So just got up and moved it up my driveway. Walking the Zombie sleep of the almost Dead was not pretty. Going back to sleep now!

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4.33 am. Knackered! Put lots of stuff away so reclaiming my space in the house! Surprising how quickly it gets out of control! Feeling happy now that I am making progress. Dishes are done also, bedding changed, washing all done.

I am ready for my big weekend! Well, almost. Still need to clean floors and a few other things.

28 December 2011

Garden watered, Dog de-fleaed and bathed, music playing, might have a cheap wine! And relax in the bath! Life is good!

Thanks Hashem for answering my prayers, re: Heartworm and Flea Control...now where is that other wish I was hoping to have fulfilled like a lovely sexy devoted Boyfriend. Oh well....time will tell! LOL.

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I was impressed with yet another Chanukah Miracle this morning. I had been stressing over how I was going to afford to buy Miss Bella Rosa's flea and heartworm control which was due today. I had worried for about 4 or 5 days.

Money being very tight and I'd kept my word to pay back the other Chanukah miracle Loan so I was sort of going out of my mind with worry. I go out to the letterbox and you could have knocked me down with a feather!

I had won a package of Revolution with 3 months supply for participating in a survey on PawsClub. I just could not believe it! Not only is it extremely rare that I ever win anything...but the timing was perfect! So on went the Revolution!

Viva La Revolucion! but Miss Bella had other ideas....she managed to dunk herself while chasing her ball in my big bucket while I was collecting wormwee after flushing out worm farm. So after the Revolution, came the Cleansing...in the bath! Hahahahahha!

I just hope the stuff had had enough time to soak into her skin and will keep the fleas off her LOL.

28 December 2010

Another lovely meal cooked by Gail tonight. Tandoori chicken with rice and kumara. I'm truly spoilt.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons