Memories: 22 January 2025

22 January 2025

8:27 am I just woke up. I had intense dreams again prior to waking which is wonderful. It’s good to be dreaming again. I am The Psychedelic Dreamer so I worry when my dreams don’t manifest.

This morning’s dream was about going on a long drive somewhere (I think it was to a town on the Sunshine Coast but it could have been Toowoomba way). The town was 1 1/2 hours away from home.

The dream showed me a small airport that I drove all the way around some odd reason. The drive around was oval shaped a bit like a racetrack. Interesting, showing me the shape of things.

Then I went to a pub of some kind. I met a very elegant very warm welcoming woman who invited me to a very posh restaurant. I had anxiety and was telling her it was time to return home as I worried about Beauregard’s barking too much as he’d been alone all day.

(So the dream has shifted back in time as Beau is dead and I no longer have that worry if I go on daytrips anywhere!) Mind you, I haven’t gone anywhere much since his death.

The woman said she understood but it’s her birthday and she’s lonely and she didn’t want to have dinner alone. So I felt a tad obliged to stay with her (although as a new acquaintance I don’t owe her anything).

So I said I would stay at least for the entrée with her. We looked at the menu and my heart momentarily stopped. The fare was weird, nouveau cuisine which I hate and priced at $36 -40 a serving. I decided to just order an entrée which were cheaper, then get the hell outta there.

Then we heard a man singing from a very golden sunlit illuminated building across the street. Big joyful ebullient singing. I said “Oh how delightful! Maybe we should go across the street and get a meal there?” But the woman said she preferred where she was.

I looked up at the windows on the building across the street and there were a man and woman in their 30s in a window, with a sign saying “it’s our friend singing” almost beckoning me to come acrosss to “party” there.

But I am too polite and don’t wish to upset my new friend I just met (FFS!) “Oh look” I say “what fun! Let’s join them!” The lady bursts into tears. “No body wants to be here with me. Nobody likes me. I am all alone”.

My hackles start to rise. Poor me syndrome grinds me gears. I’ve lived alone for 30 years. I don’t need this self pitying victimhood on my one day holiday. I tell her I will leave as soon as we have had the entrée.

A kindness as she’s actually pissing me off. Again I explain I will be avoiding the airport drive as it’s pointless and adds time to my journey home and I worry about my dog. “Yes…yes you must go. Your dog!” I decide I like her, after all. She has empathy for my dog. A kind soul after all.

I wake up, telling myself “I love you” as I often do first thing upon waking. But regretting I didn’t go across the street and join the joyous people with the lovely male singer.

Then arise in full consciousness. It’s just a dream. Wake up. You don’t owe anyone anything, not even your time…keep dreaming! Living your best life. Firm up your boundaries. Go where there is light, joy, singing. Uplifting positive people who might not afford a glitzy restaurant but know how to get over themselves for some fun.

I must put some money aside for my 60th in April. It won’t be spent in a “too posh to push” unsatiating overly-expensive restaurant! I need to make a plan so I don’t cry like that woman about not feeling loved or cared for. Not this time…Babies.

So the woman in the dream is a reflection of that part of me that feels obligated to other people’s expectations but in so doing, sells my own joy down to the cesspool of life.

I will go where there is joy! Even if I have to manifest it myself.

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Thar She Blows…. The Tanya has had her therapy session and revelatory and powerful it truly is. Setting firm boundaries while simultaneously sustaining a valuable long “relationship”. I feel a bit mean but it had to be pulled back into line.

My doctor is a wonderful kind soul nourishing man who has fought for me for 14 years and three months. I am grateful. But I need us both to be safe.

He says I am coming into my full health with the cpap which is causing anxiety and attachment triggers, especially with all the significant men in my life being “Unavailable”. Nailed it.

It’s been a long hard struggle to maintain equilibrium in a post-Covidian epoch, while maintaining beautiful friendships with men who I know do love me and strive to keep me safe but can never be my sexual partners by virtue of their situations.

In the meantime…I will keep blossoming into my newfound sexuality, healing myself and keep dancing. The Dance of Life. The Dance of Joy. The Dance of Survival to Thrival. The Dance of Power which is also juxtaposed by my own fragility, vulnerability and fear at times.

I love you all. I will strive to keep you all in my life (if you wish it!) for as long as I remain alive. Real friends and allies of genuine heart and soul like my doctor are eminently precious!

22 January 2023

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https://youtu.be/1-4sxfh0Fqk

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I just dragged these concrete blocks up the hill. One at a time. It nearly killed me. I still have two more to bring up. Omggg. I had to take a rest. Sweat dripping off me. It’s for my outdoor soldering/casting station. I am determined. I can’t afford the gas …yet.

I’ve been trying to source firebricks to layer on top. One dude wanted $27:50 per brick. It feels off. Like maybe he increased the price as he says he could only spare two of them. So many shonky bastards on fb marketplace.

I will save the money and buy them from Bunnings. They cost $91 for ten. But I preferred flatter larger bricks for a flat surface but the guy on marketplace was not very helpful. He got pissed off when I said I only need a few, not 200. So sick of misogynistic bastards wanting to scam me. So he can shove his bricks where the sun don’t shine.

But I decided to get my station ready: manifesting the kiln or fire bricks as though I already have them. Magick happens! Not giving up on my dreams. Yada Yada.

Jan Attridge: That's going to be so nice

Me: Thanks. I hope it works well. It’s going to be better than sitting on the ground trying to melt silver over red bricks from my garden. lol.

This way I have a platform and can sit on a chair and work a bit easier. The firebricks are next expense however.

I am also looking at buying a stainless steel table on castors for soldering in my studio. But I figure this outside station will do the job for now. (Weather permitting!)

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22 January 2021

Busy morning: I smashed my thumb with a hammer (doh!) while trying to crack the large amount of macadamias I had gathered up from under the tree.

Most were either rotten or too unripe but I quit after I smashed my ornery digit. I will have to smash the rest tomorrow, as it was too hot in the midday sun and even my cancer site on my forehead was twitching.

Then I decided to clean Charley’s cage with Domestos. It’s an arduous task but it was really filthy and I worry she might get a disease. She has been busy plucking out her plumage so the bottom of the cage had quite a few feathers. I saved a couple, putting them in the freezer with the one I found yesterday on my walk. (yes I collect feathers and other odd things!)

Then I finally got around to scrubbing the shower tray which I use for a bird (and dog) swimming pool. I cleaned that out with Domestos too. Then rinsed it then filled it. The birds will be delighted. They have not had anywhere to swim for a couple of weeks.

I also made gluten free banana bread in my bread machine. I am feeling a tad exhausted so will need a rest before I go dancing this evening.

I still need to take the Beau and Charley for a walk. Oh my. All good. I will do that when it cools down a bit.

I need to buy a large piece of Perspex to put under Charley’s cage as she spreads shit everywhere and the plastic I usually use is getting worn out. In fact I also need to buy her a new cage as her one is quite rusted through on the bottom.

I have been keeping an eye on Marketplace for second hand ones. I want a similar sized cage or even larger one, preferably with a tray underneath that catches her epic flying squirts.

Or I could buy a new one and put it on layby or Afterpay perhaps. I will have a look at the pet shops to see if there is anything suitable. I want a strong good quality one, maybe one that’s easier to clean than the one I have now.

Manifest...Tanya...manifest.

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Right! It’s been a week today since I had a full breakdown precipitated by that bastard skin doctor and the dehumanisation of mask wearing we had to endure to keep everyone safe. I had no issues with that although it made it hard for me to breathe and then the final inappropriateness with that doctor tipped me over the edge.

It took me several days...about four to recover and I still do not feel particularly well. It brought home to me how rarely I am ever safe in the public sphere...especially when there is a male “authority figure” involved.

I made me ponder if I should go dancing tonight. (My usually Shabbat frolicking frenzy!)

But I have decided! No BASTARD is ever going to grind me down. There have been so many...so many..that I feel quite wrung out of my own innate juiciness. Like a desiccated shucked off husk.

So The Tanya must do as She has always done. Get up, dress up, show up and dance! Fly in the face of societal judgements and in the face of her own pre-programmed-since early childhood-traumas. Fly and fly and fly...before I fry and die on the molten multitudinous glutinous planet of barely Survival.

I must thrive and in doing so breathe new life into my body mind and spirit.

Hold my ground on my stolid Hobbit Walk and let my Neshamah guide me and inspire me and open my creativity even further so that perhaps one day I may write my book

(Off Facebook! ...off my face...book!) and perhaps...perhaps...perhaps manifest my own version of wealth, success and better health for my growing older cronedom that is slamming me from every direction and showing me where my cracked heart and mind need shoring up.

I have waited ...and wasted...eons for this time that is upon me.

But all my prayers have been answered. Trump is out of the White House and my eternal prayer is that Nazis like him never regain power again. That this is not just a brief hiatus while evil gathers its momentum again. But I can’t worry about that right now.

We must rejoice in our daily survival and be grateful that the world is finally waking up and seeing the evil and wanting a rectification and a better world for all lifeforms.

One day at a time...sweet Moses!

I myself have been on an intense inner journey in the past few years. That surgery that almost killed me...then hitting the ground running (actually limping and writhing in agony for many months afterward) as The Tanya pushes herself beyond the realms of mortal ken when she knows she is dying....and went dancing...until Covid lockdown came and dancing was Verboten.

Now a year later, after another Covid restriction I have the opportunity to dance again. And so I shall. Tonight! As I never know when some blighted bastardry might stymy my Joy again. I must dance. As long as my middle aged legs can hold me up!

Time is of the essence!

22 January 2020

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I feel like a monster! There was a cane toad luxuriously floating in the little pond I make for Bobo and the wild birds to swim in. I hate toads but he was so blissfully happy. But then I worried about Bobo eating him and all the lovely frogs that toad has probably killed. So I scooped him out of the water and threw salt on him.

But I felt horrible. Just horrible. Life is so unfair if you are a bathing toad, floating in your zen then some toad-hating mortal comes along.

I didn’t kill toads for about 4 years but their population grew and so we are back to Bedlam. I hate killing them. It’s foul. If he had been a tree frog he would have swum merrily to eternity. But as a toad he had to die.

Makes me feel fragile and morbid.

But here I sit, sipping peached ice tea, reading, and thinking of the fickle unfairness of Nature, of being the wrong species in the wrong place and how ridiculously precarious is the circle of life.

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This little weed is called “Love”. I have pulled it out dozens of times over many years. (It came with an orchid I once bought and has outlived the orchid lol!). Jarrod googled it to find out its name. He said “there you go Tanya, you have been asking for Love all your life and even though you kept pulling it out, it keeps right on growing back for you!” Funny but true.

I had no idea Love was waiting for me daily at my very back door. Quietly strutting her stuff while she waits for The Tanya to absolutely notice her and quit weeding her out.

So my Love: I give up! You are a stubborn little weed but you can stay. And thrive. Like The Tanya should be doing! xxx

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10:49 am I woke up utterly exhausted. It’s hot (of course!) but my legs are weak. I had trouble walking to let the dog and cats out.

I overdid the art activities yesterday (and day before!) I was cutting out art pictures from the Frida Kahlo and the little impressionist book. Then colouring the edges in black marker, getting them ready for a decoupage project.

I was also binge-watching Van Helsing. I should have taken a nap during the day but pushed myself as it is rare that I have these little bursts of energy and wanted to complete the task I set for myself.

But today my body betrays me. I really do try to achieve things. It is always an uphill battle. I have no choice but to take things easy today. The pain in my legs has demanded so!

22 January 2019

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Time has moved so slowwww today. Compounded by the extreme heat.

Now sitting at QE2 hospital awaiting my appointment. I had trouble getting a park and was in full panic mode when I got here (3 minutes early!) Then waitinggg....only to be called in to watch a video (wtf?) in a group clinic! (Wtf?)

I refused to stay to watch the video as Hello! This will be my fourth colonoscopy. Utter waste of my time. So I am out in the hall, to read and rejoin the clinical join up later.

Ok. All organised. Colonoscopy in 3 months. Got my preparation pack. Out of here, back in the heat. Yay!

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10:48 am. I woke up not long ago to the cheerful sound of kookaburras laughing. Then when I finally dragged myself out of bed, I saw one having a swim in Bobo’s swimming pool. Just adorable.

I went out to bring in the washing from the line and the kookaburra was perched on top, watching me as I brought Charlie outside to his outside cage and he was looking amazed at Charlie following me around the garden.

So I picked Charlie up off the ground and put him back in his cage as Kookaburras can be a threat to rainbow lorikeets. But like the crows, he seemed to understand that Charlie is not like any ordinary rainbow lorikeet but is my much beloved pet. So kookaburra flew into the tulip tree and had another laugh.

Yup. We weirdos who haven’t yet learnt to fly are funny buggars. I am glad the cosmos has a sense of humour!

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I am still experiencing weakness in my legs and on top of that I found Becky hen has a prolapse. I was able to push it in but it means she will probably need euthanising if it gets worse.

Drama and chaos never ends.

I am glad I had a nice day yesterday. Some respite from constant distress.

I have an appointment at the hospital this arvo to book in for colonoscopy. It’s flaming hot too. But oh well, needs to be organised so I can get healthier. I am dreading all that prep, anaesthetic and futile fumbling around in my interior organs however.

Life. Be in it! (Say what? ;-))

22 January 2018

I have had a wonderful day at Coochiemudlo with my gorgeous friend Jarrod and our dogs. Bobo was so wonderfully behaved today. He did not attempt to attack any dogs and was actually friendly all day!

It made a huge difference, ie less stressful for me plus he got to be off-leash and could swim out to us whenever he felt like it, or dig holes in the sand.

The weather was perfect. I got sunburnt (not cool Tanya, not cool!) but I had a lovely time. We walked around the island (along the streets this time not fighting through the mangroves like last week) and admired all the houses. Many of the homes looked quite European.

We stopped near one house where I heard a woman toast an elderly couple with wine. “Prost!” She said so I yelled back “Ein Prosit”. We all laughed. I said “there are Germans everywhere” and they thought that was funny too.

I spoke to another older woman on the beach and she mentioned her mother was German too. She was also of Swedish descent so I told her about the Vikings and recommended she watched the tv show. Her dog was named Thor! She said her grandchildren had named all their pets after various gods. I thought that was delightful!

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Waiting for the ferry to go to Coochiemudlo. Woot!

22 January 2017

Horrified and disgusted at the Trump supporters spewing hatred about the Womens' Marches. Even women! One woman I unfriended after reading such vile spew.

So here it goes. I don't live in America and I often have major issues with Australian politics as well.

I don't have money power status. But I have a soul.

I don't want people on my page who hate themselves enough to support a rapist. Or who hate other women who are brave enough to rise up and scream their blood-letting rage and grief that America (the once scion of the West) has gone to the hounds of hell.

Don't like my beliefs, ok. We can't all agree on every issue. Don't like women? Then fuck off.

Women who hate other women for standing up for our rights and hardwon freedoms have a sickness that pervades every sector of society. If you align with the Abuser (whether a person or a nation) then you are an abuser also.

I have 73 friends as of this moment. My voice will continue to be heard, even if it is only a silent scream to an audience of One.

Leave my page if you hate women. Trump has catalysed those who hate and fear themselves and mobilised those who still get up and stand up and fight for others.

I should thank the evil despotic bastard. The dark side of the POTUS had exposed the weak and senseless predators amongst us.

Update 22 January 2025: I still can’t believe he got inaugurated a second time. Mind blown. Heart sick. Soul tired. I am witnessing the degradation of western civilisation. But…civilisations end and new ones are born out of the complete disarray. Good luck with that People of Earth.

22 January 2016

Beauregard and I went on a trip to Capalaba Produce. I had to buy laying mash and fish food. I took him around the back to see the hens, ducks, goats, goose, turkeys and pigs and calves they have for sale. If they had had peacock and pea-hen I thought about buying them. But alas no.

The goose was very friendly and came right up to have a gander at Bobo in my arms. There were more Silkies for sale, also Polish hens. It was all very interesting to Bobo who seemed to enjoy looking at all the other animals. I even got him to say Hello to Buddy their pet Corella who dutifully said Hello back. Such fun for Bobo and such amazement. Talking Birds!!!

Then we went to Aldi so I could rush in and buy cat litter. I came out to find a little girl watching over him. It was his first time being tied up outside a shop while I went in and I was very anxious. He seemed to cope ok. I wasn't longer than 5 minutes.

Then we stopped in at McDonalds. I bought a chocolate waffle cone. I spooned the white soft serve into Bobo's mouth with my fingers. At first he was like, wtf???, but then he loved it!!!

Then we went home, unloaded the car. I have been watering the backyard. It all looks lovely after Jacqui and Rosco mowed. Like a beautiful garden again!

It has been a hellishly hot day but a storm is promised. Yummy! I love night time electrical storms. Tomorrow night is the Full Wolf Moon too. Awwwhoooooo!

22 January 2015

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One of the other interesting but rather amusing things my Doctor told me yesterday, was that he understands why my enemies fear me, as I am a White Witch. I laughed. I said Nonsense, Doctor, there is no White or Black in the Craft. It is only the intention.

He smiled. He said, “I know you are always in constant contact with your Higher Power and you always come from a place of Love, even when you fend off the abusers at the pub it is not with mal-intent, but only to protect yourself or others, so you can all carry on having fun without Negativity. That has caused the evil ones to totally fear your power as a woman.”

We had a chuckle over that one. It seems so ridiculous but I see it all very clearly now. Very funny, but also sublime.

The gods did protect me, many many times in my life and when they did not, the punishment was always meted out in perfection, without me having to do anything. Hell, one enemy even humiliated and degraded herself on National TV in July 2008! I still laugh over that one.

She had the temerity to call me on 30 January 2014. Still seeking connection after years of devastation she wreaked in my life, through her brother, my mother, one of my then-lovers, and the most evil of all, Buck Scherer. That Karma ran its course and with his thieving salacious daughters, is still running its course.

So I am deliriously happy. I am free. I am Awesome. I am greatly Loved by people who are genuine and who stand by me in the face of great evil. Always have, always will.

I have G-d who both torments me and raises me up into ecstasy but always gets me through the devastating pitfalls of my life and shows me the stunning vista on the other side.

I am respected, valued and appreciated. I am Grateful.

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Watching The Night Porter. Creepy Movie.

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On Monday I went to the dentist for my last filling. Tonight the socket on my lower jaw that has irked me on and off for a year is aching. Wtf?! She didn't even go anywhere near it.

1.36 am. Gonna head to bed early for a change.

22 January 2014

A Hot Stressful Day..still nursing Tabitha Chook who is so strong and determined she makes me ashamed for eating so many of her brethren. God Bless my little feathery friend.

This is the second time she's had a fight for life in 3 weeks. She is full of quills, getting new feathers which I read is painful when they push through too.

I am praying she makes it. I am very fond of her and her giant zest for Life. She reminds me of myself. We are not Quitters in this household.

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Delicious wild storm coming. Yayyy!

22 January 2012

I have had a lovely mellow day...bit tired in the middle of the day so snoozed on couch while watching some corny love story on TV, then took Miss Bella Rosa for a walk to the dog park, and tonight I cooked a delicious dinner. Yum! Yum!

22 January 2011

22 January 2010

I'm tired but happy after my massive debrief today, and a lovely time catching up with friends yesterday and today! Life is sweet but even sweeter with Miracle Fruit!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons