Memories: 2 May 2025

2 May 2025

7:30 am I need to fast (no food or liquids for 6 hours) from 8:30 am then drink a litre of water at 2:30 pm then have an ultrasound on my bladder at 3:30 pm.

Wish me luck. The last time I did this my body threw an epic wobbly. It was most unpleasant. Viking bodies don’t like games being played with them around food and water lmao! It’s uncivilised, I tell you.

Hopefully this time my fat hobbit body won’t go into keto shock. Hilarious.

I am exhausted from my four days of opalescent birdy num num pendant making. So today will be a good day to lie in bed and wallow. But…it’s a glorious morning. Wallowing is no longer my style.

…

Hectic day…while waiting for Lyn to arrive I dropped hundreds of tiny stainless steel balls out of my tumbler all over the kitchen floor. I sat on the floor and tried sweeping them up then gave that up…got out the vacuum cleaner, put in a clean bag, vacuumed. Even after that there were still a few renegade balls on the floor. Bejaysus!

Then I went to my back door, feeling rather stressed and fraught to see my little butcher bird waiting outside my screen door, like a boss. He’s never come to the door like a hopeful suitor before. The look on his face when I have a little shriek of surprise was priceless. He almost smiled at me. Then he flew up into the frangipane.

I think he was “thanking” me for the chicken scraps I left out for him this morning. Or perhaps he was mooching more? Anyway, that made my day.

Driving Lyn to the bank at Carindale I accepted two mints. I am supposed to be on a complete fast until 2:30 pm when I get to drink a litre of water.

Oops. I didn’t even think. Hopefully two mints won’t upset anything too much. Distracted by anxiety and stainless steel balls is a thing …people of Earth!

Anyway, all good. I went to Aldi and stocked up on munchies for AFTER I finish at the hospital ultrasound. Fun.

…

Update 7:15 pm it was epic! I hope I don’t have to do another ultrasound again. The diarrhoea response was epic. On no food and immediately after drinking the 1 litre of water. The water “burnt” into my oesophagus and the stomach. Then slammed with diarrhoea. How is this even possible?

2 May 2024

11:05 am It’s drizzling with light rain this morning. Ratih is here, cleaning. Everything is right with the world. I am alive even though I was up 5 times last night. As my handsome talented shaman friend. Michel Citrin once advised me “Holding on while letting go!”

I made another flower clip. It’s weird as I baulked at finishing this one after making about five others a few weeks ago. A typical Aries trait to suddenly leave off projects. I am glad I finished it this morning. Success is reaching completion in any endeavour.

I am glad I took the break and went into it quite happily this morning. Creativity flows when I am not pressurising myself like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

2 May 2023

…

2 May 2021

…

2 May 2020

…

All of my abusers and all of their traumas broke me...but the Kings horses and kings men (aka two psychiatrists) and kinsmen (those not of my nuclear family of origin and adopted “family”!) Put me back together again.

I fell off the wall (and my perch!) but I got better at navigating my “off” with my own walls and if necessary, putting them back up again. Diaphanous protective veils like a dancing Salomé. (Off with their heads). Or was that the Red Queen when someone ate all her stolen tarts?!

Mixed metaphors. A speciality. Quel Dommage, ma petite! C’est a fait accompli! Giggles and tickles my toes, which I have freshly pedicured as my intrepid feet were rather gnarly and grotesque.

2 May 2019

2 May 2018

I had a lovely day yesterday. My pinking shears finally arrived in the mail so I began working on my beeswax wraps, edging all the cloths.

Then Jenny came over and we spent the afternoon and evening together. We went to Sunnybank and I bought some tops and underwear. We had a lovely tasting soup in an Asian restaurant there.

Life is good, even though I have been exhausted. I spoke with my friend Margaret who recommended I Self-publish my book which was something Crystal also suggested. So that is something to work towards.

I have started editing my writings. Hopefully it gets published and can help or inspire at least one person. Mostly it is psychedelic dreamer’s usual psychobabble but all good. All very good.

…

I bought a steam iron and a pond pump today. So I have ironed the cloths to be made into beeswax wraps and set up the pond under the stairs and put relocated baby fish from the other ponds into it.

Feeling accomplished!

…

I think my crazy neighbour John the Romanian may have died. 3 ambulances arrived. No one left with them. Now 2 police cars. Weird shit. 2 ambulances have now left. 1 still here.

2 May 2017

Yes. Freedom and Love. My two favourite things!

2 May 2015

4.18 pm. I got up at 3 pm. In terrible pain in my left leg. No surprises there. Dancing in the night in damp cold air with arthritic joints will fuck me up like that!

I have been in the garden, enjoying the late afternoon sun. You will be amazed to know that I didn't melt or implode under the sun's patient bemused rays. Almost a Vampyre but not quite. Half a Vampyre. That would just make me a Vamp.

So tonight Karen is coming over and The Tanya aka Psychedelic Dreamer will be ramping up the Vamp and hottentottering again. (With pain killers!) I love my resilience, stamina and bon vivanterie! (Is that even a word en Francais?!)

Oppress the girl, the wife, the mother, the divorcee, the exhausted Zombified mental patient, the sexy senior citizen and you get Me, in my current incarnation.

I love it! I am Whom I am Becoming!

Now my bones give me a Reality check and just asked me how I plan to walk and dance and twirl and stomp later. (Shhh, Ezekiel's dry remorseless Bones. It is only a matter of changing gears into Turbo Thrust Overdrive...and a little thing called Jack Daniels...oh and wanting to have fun before I die!) My answer, a spasm of pain and a severe ache.

Limping my way into the sunset instead of riding full tilt on my trusty steed towards my even trustier Knight in Shining Armour. The prick is a Narcissist. It takes days to WD40 and bedazzle that Armour. Lots and lots of spit and polish.

As for me , the lame Lone Wolf? All I have to do is show up, Darlings (evil grin!)

Throw down my handkerchief and act all faint and femme fatale. I got this! Not!!! Still crazy (and single!) after all these years. Loving it! Living it! Being it!

…

Last night I paid the Jordanian or Palestinian or Turkish guys in the Kebab shop back the $6.90 I owed them from last week when I bought a gozleme on Eftpos and found out I had no money. They had kindly given the gozleme to me anyway. So I kept my word and paid them back.

Some drunk Scottish guy who saw what I did, kept telling me I was a good girl. That's not why I did it. It is simply that had I not paid them back, the next time someone was short of cash, they would not be just as inclined to help out.

It's called, paying it forward and doing the right thing by people. Also I don't like money weighing on my conscience. It sickens me. My mother told so many lies about me and my relationship to money.

She made me out to be a no-goodnik and a bludger. Ironic, as she exploited me, and then lied about me in her salacious will! Well, I am not her. I will never be her. I would rather starve and live on the streets than be her.

I gave my $3.10 change to Katrina who also thought I was a good girl. Am I a good woman? I am a Wild Woman, that is for sure. I expect to be treated justly and with honour to the same degree I treat everyone else.

Is that being good? Not sure about that since this little Heathen went out on Shabbat, cavorting again. Happy Oneg Shabbat. (I do what I want whatever!)

Laila tov/boker tov. Good night and good morning. Time to sleep again.

…

7.05 am. Soaking my sore leg in a hot bath.

I went out to the casino. Danced until they kicked everyone out at 5 am (what happened to being open 24 hours???!!!) so I finished off my night, sitting next to Katrina, my streetie friend.

She was happy to see me! We smoked some of her cigarettes together. (I had 3!) Some young guys came along. Promised Katrina $5 if I danced with one of them. So up I got off the ground. Young 'un had to help me up as I am a bit crippled with my left leg.

We danced nicely and he was the perfect young gentleman. Katrina offered me the Fiver but I said "Nah, I would have danced for free", as I enjoy it. We had a laugh.

A PNG lady came along and sat with us on the ground. She is an RN. Masters in mental health. Reminded me of Gail. I seem to meet a lot of "Masters" in Mental Health. They must give that out easy as, Bro', Lmao! Of course I kept that ungracious thought to myself.

I got hit on by 2 men at the casino. One was all right but creeped me out about how much he wanted to kiss me (ew) and the other was a 19 yo Redhead. I told him I was old enough to be his grandma!

He said "you'd be 50!" Cheeky blighter guessed my age. So I sent him on his way admonishing him to find himself a much younger woman. Lmao!

So here I am bathing like Bathsheba, feeling replete and content, after knocking back some nice men (while I pine away for Wiglet! Awww altogether now! Aww). I will have to snap out of it sooner or later.

Perhaps Tonight.....;-). Meanwhile, I have a date to hang out again with Katrina later.

…

12.19am just woke up. Slept during worst of the storm. It is all over. Tempted to go out but perhaps the highway is still a bit dodgy. The Bruce Highway is under water in places but the Southeast Freeway will be fine. Hmmm. I guess it can wait until tomorrow night. I hate being trapped and house-bound on the weekends.

2 May 2014

12.07 am. In bed. Alone. With Miss Penny Cat. Naturally. Purring. Penny, not me. I am in bed alone, post-gastroscopy. Early in bed. Alone with my cat. Psy Sighs.

No man wants a woman who belches with a Hiatus Hernia anyway.

Life, in celebratory Freedom, to be continued....party on! Who needs a man? This woman is used to being Wild and Free. Fortunate. To be Alive. Wild. Free. Fabulous. (Burps!)

Say What? Penny, stop that! You are ruining my Man InFestation (Manifest Mama, Manifest!). Oh yeah...that one....

…

Yesterday just as I arrived home from the hospital, a man called out to Crystal and I. He had been knocking on the door. He used to live here as a child as his father was in the Air Force. He wanted to see the house. So we invited him in and he was so happy and grateful.

I understood how he felt as I also visited my childhood home in Island Bay but I was too shy to ask the current owners to let me see inside. Part of me didn't want to see 'strangers' in my house or the changes. I stood on the foreshore and cried as so much of my soul has been left in that house. So many difficult memories.

I think it helped me a lot in my healing to be able to stand there and see how nothing really changes even though time marches on.

The seascape was the same as I had spent years exploring, the cliffs behind still covered in flax that I used to jump in, the houses still standing. Only the inhabitants had changed and renovations to the homes. It was a very humbling experience to see how ordinary everything looked compared to my memories.

…

On 5th May I will have lived in my govt house for 11 years. This has been my only home where I am safe and comfortable. I am so grateful to be living here.

I wish I had won the will dispute as I wish I could have bought this house. I wish I could have Security for my old age, but it was not to be.

In the meantime I enjoy my home and the garden I have created here. Life is good at last.

…

Finally got to sleep around 5 am. Had to take another 50 mgs Seroquel to do it. Damn. Not so long ago 25 mgs did the trick. I slept until 4pm. Just got up. I was exhausted!

So now the day is over and I am rearing to go! I might go out later. See how I feel. No alcohol though, as it's too soon after the procedure.

Fortunately I can dance all night and have a fantastic time Sober too.

I think I might take things a bit easy though. I missed a rainy day but the night will still be cold and wet.

Crystal has my car so I would have to bus in and back. She wants to take me to Toowoomba tomorrow. Not sure I fancy that idea now. I feel a bit discombobulated. However that is tomorrow and I have the entire night ahead of me.

Shabbat Shalom! 🙂

PS Sarah is taking me to The Elephant to dance with Berst Yayy!

…

Can't sleep! So now watching "Masters of Sex".

…

2 May 2013

I had an odd nights sleep! Went to bed at 1 am and was wide awake again at 4 am . Read Facebook newsfeed until 4.45 am. Then back to sleep. My left foot was throbbing from where I had the Septic Arthritis. It's annoying to think I will have this pain for rest of my life.

Yesterday I was feeling creative and empowered and positive that my future could hold some lovely prospects for me. I have been feeling much more positive since my weird week last week which went from the ridiculous to the sublime.

I must keep my head up, keep moving forward and keep hoping I meet a man who is ready, willing and available to have me in his life. A genuine, loving, faithful man who makes me laugh but can be sensible too. If I must cede my freedom for a secure relationship then I will need a man who totally gets me and has some stability, as well as being artistic and fun!

My issue is that I am afraid to sacrifice my hard-won Freedom while I keep attracting men who are deeply afraid of themselves, life in general and of Love. I don't have time for gameplayers.

Coming from a family of sociopaths and paedophiles makes it very hard for me to attract healthy strong balanced men. It's not fair but this is my reality.

Yet I aspire to have what every other human on this planet desires...a real Love Connection. I wonder if the Matrix will ever quit leaving me flailing out in the dischordant cacophanous lonely outreaches of this paradigm and let me Plug in? The blue pill or the red pill!? Meanwhile I comfort myself with lollies, and the occasional Jack Daniels. All good.

I have Beautiful friends and aspire to meeting a Lover who is as loving, devoted, and passionate about me as my longtime friends are (ahem...with one specific difference...blushes).

Update 2021: Silly chook. It never happened...but what a sweet deluded wishful Heart.

Update 2022: Tap tap tap… (rolls eyes!)

2 May 2011

I've had a rather pleasant day. Lyn visited me with lovely gifts - a transistor radio so I can keep in touch with the outside world during moments of isolation, and yummy bread, and the most precious gift, her loving attention.

Then I watered the entire garden and was so happy, relieved and astonished to find my missing gold Torc Bangle- amidst the branches of the Lemon Myrtle tree LOL. Phew!

Update 2022: isolation mention again…hmmm.

2 May 2010

Today I spent 4 hours in the garden. I still have lots to do, like stake the non-fruiting uncooperative Dragonfruit plant, dig out the vege patch some more, and do some garden edging with the free bricks I got. I planted the cuttings etc that Lyn gave me yesterday so it all looks lovely.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons