Memories: 19 April 2025

19 April 2025

7.05 pm A good sleep. Onwards and upwards. Healing. I overworked myself on my jewellery projects yesterday. One success, one fail. I am gonna be gentle with myself today. I pushed myself too damn hard for the past few days.

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Thank the Goddess, I survived ALL those monsters. Now to focus on the Thriving! Find real loves, creativity, prosperity, better health. Joy and delight. 60 years of suffering, and triumphant reclamation of my body, mind, spirit. Enough already. Onwards and upwards.

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Attempting to make violets on silver clay paste. Argggh. Most of it (expensive!) ended up on my fingers. But drying them now. They need several coats…let’s see what I can achieve….maybe.

Still drying…I ran out of paste so only gave them two coats. I hope it’s enough… I can’t fire them until tomorrow arvo as you have to dry them for 24 hours…ooohhh the frisson of excitement and the temptation is real…lol. I hope I get at least one to work out. I made three (two for earrings and one for a matching pendant) but one petal already fell off so that one is already scrap I guess. #homegrownvioletsfromMySacredSpacegarden #silverclayjewelry

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Making bezel no 6 (666 FML! Fuck off Demon!) The Mama T is using the sterling silver bezel wire which is the perfect width but too thick to push over easily but I finally realised the fine silver I bought is too thin and too fragile so melts too easily. Farrrkkk! So hopefully this one will work, although it will be difficult to push and burnish it.

If this one fails also…arggghhhh I will buy 1mm thick fine silver sheet to cut the bezel. That should do it. Oh my. My eyes are square in my head from exhaustion and all the bezel failures…but I know I can achieve this. (I almost had it but the last one melted…dammit. I am still learning to use my Smith little torch so that is part of the problem…but slowly overcoming my fear of it. So if I get this right….I will be unstoppable! :-))))

Update 8:59 pm: Two sides of the square bezel broke apart. (Where I sawed to ease it to fit the stone.). Now I have solder them back together (I hope…it’s still in the pickle.

Not sure if I can make it fit the backplate as there is a gap each time. But I am still figuring out what to do to resolve that issue. If this one won’t sit down right I will need to buy fine silver 1mm and somehow cut it to fit the irregularity.

There must be a way. Not giving up just yet. Even if my anxiety is now through the roof. I will push through until it’s done. (Although it takes a week for the fine silver sheet to arrive from China) ….but patience is….an insanity making gut wrenching exercise in Hell…but I am not quite “there” yet. Hell, I mean…or maybe I am and noone told me? Lol.

I can put this project aside and await the fine silver thicker gauge option. Omggg. Literally! So proud of myself that I have continued to work on this project and tried other methods. Ie thinking outside the square.

Update 9:19 pm… nahhh it melted slightly. Not gonna work. Dammit. I will need to buy the fine silver sheet. Gahhh. Oh well. I exhausted all avenues. Time to mosh!

19 April 2024

7:36 am It’s been a weird week: fits of pique and dramaturgy, allergies to Life and metallurgy. Lurching forwards in my constant craving for a life less thwarted. But life keeps pitching and tossing at me anyway. Awake in the psychedelic dreamer’s dream, scraping myself together like a croissant maker’s daughter in a galley somewhere.

Holding myself above the turgid torrents of ignoble fates. I’ve got the hypoxia psychosis blues. Shuffling of shoes. Hidelyho, me hearties...Another day in fucking Paradise. Stand and deliver. Mama T is back in da room!

19 April 2023

Yesterday was Yom HaShoah. I am a day late. But I remember them.

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My intaglio glass buttons just arrived from Czechoslovakia. Now to decide what I want to make with them. :-) They glow under a black light too. I could sew them on an evening cardigan. Or I was planning to make pendants from them.

I still need to buy sterling silver sheet and bezel wire in different widths. Also I need sterling silver wire in different gauges also. But baby steps… I have the buttons….everything else can fall into place in perfect timing and synchronicity, gifted and bestowed by the Angels, gods, fae and my own careful budgeting lol.

#titaniasrealm #believetoachieve #nevergiveup #magickhappens #loveisthelaw #antiqueintagliobuttons #czechoslovakia #australia #newzealandexpat #lifebeginsat58

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Yesterday I also bought this nifty little dustpan and brush. I decided to wood burn “Titania’s Realm” into it. Then I melted beeswax into the timber to preserve it better.

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This evening I deconstructed a beautiful sterling silver Celtic-designed dish. I figure I can use the base as a backing for bezel set pendants. The three Celtic designs I hope to make earrings from. The rest I will probably melt down for a casting.

I felt sad sawing it apart with my Green Lion jeweller’s saw. But I need to transmute the energy and make jewellery from it. The sting of ever-grinding poverty is have to cut up my beautiful things. Argggh. Maybe I will be able to replace it one day.

19 April 2021

Bloody tired now. Pushed myself through.

Time to walk the dog and bird and get away from the house for a short while!

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I just made these. I don’t like the shepherds hooks I bought. They are too thin wire. I need to source a better quality sterling silver earring hook (or make my own?!)

I am glad I managed to recycle the pearls though. I think the earrings look nice.

I still need to solder both jump rings but pleased with how they have come out!

Haha trying to drill a bigger hole in my old pearls from an old necklace for my shell/spoon earrings. I succeeded with the first one (on the wooden block) but this one has a knot inside the pearl. Arggghhh!

I tried enlarging the holes in my raw coral beads (from a long ago broken necklace but they shattered so I had to use this synthetic looking coral. (I bought it ages ago as real coral but it looks fake to me.). Still pretty though.

Update: drilled from opposite end and succeeded with the little buggar. Yayyy!

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Octopus (4- legged mangled one) my first ever flatware project! Now has eyessss and looks very cute!

I made the jump ring last night out of silver wire as the jump rings I have been using are far too weak and thin.

I am going to have to swap them over on the snake bracelet also. Then solder all the jump rings.

19 April 2020

Trigger warning: long rambling post. Suicide ideation, csa, weird communing with ancient gods.

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So tonight I watched a show on Amazon Prime called “Mermaids: the body found” about how Navy Sonar weapons are killing millions of whales and bottle-nosed dolphins and that a mermaid was found inside a Great White Shark.

Now if you know me you know I am fond of mythology and I have always believed in MerPeople/Sirens. Why? Why not! I was raised by the sea and although I never encountered any actual mermaids I felt like I was at times communing with that energy signature.

I spent long hours on the farthest rocky outcrops (to be fair thinking about drowning myself as my childhood was so abusive!) praying to the SeaGod we call Poseidon or Neptune or Tangaroa in Maori language. I actually begged him to “take” me more than a few times.

One time a huge wave crashed over the rock I was perched on and I closed my eyes and thought “Ahhh this is it!” But all I got was a drenching and an almost certain warning not to push my luck too much! (The multiverses always play me for a Fool because really really they love me soo much!....)

When I was 8 years old (only just as I turned 8 on the sea voyage from Wellington to Rotterdam) we crossed the equator. There is an ancient ceremony on board all ships when we cross the equator.

I remember all the crew dressed up in what passed for “Drag”. Lol. One of them dressed up as King Neptune with his Trident.

Now this was an Italian cruise ship Operated by Sitmar lines (remind me to sue the dirty evil cunts for their predatory paedophile cabin steward....Psy Sighs!!!). But I digress!

The ship was called “The Fairstar”. Me being little and platinum blonde was very popular with the crew. Like as in, apart from their active paedophile steward, there were many that would sort of loiter or lay in wait as I passed through the corridors and they would reach out and stroke my hair. Totally inappropriate and creepy.

The only time I allowed anyone to stroke my white blonde hair was when we stopped over in Durban. The African women who were playing drums were in awe of my hair and white white (embarrassingly white, easily burnt!) freckled skin and to be quite fair (no pun intended!) I was in awe of their black skin, tight Afro hair and their large pendulous breasts that hung down like true earth mother goddesses.

But I digress...again...

Something happened during that spiel when we crossed the equator. The sailors told a very serious story about the vicissitudes of the sea and how fragile we are even on such a large cruise liner.

I may have disassociated as I often do. I was deeply traumatised by my parents’ violent verbal separation on the day we boarded ship and the creepy fucking steward whom I had to quietly fend off for several nights whilst my mother cavorted on the upper decks: no doubt with men her own age.

But I imagined somehow that King Neptune and his retinue were actually with us (in spirit, not in the draggage baggage of the actors!)

Instead of us feeling festive and jovial the mood shifted to something quite dark. In the photo you can see the looks on everyone’s faces.

So anyway it was quickly covered up or pushed aside and we children were all gifted a certificate from King Neptune for crossing the equator which I gifted to Lynne Robertson on my return from Germany as she had felt so jealous and sad that she had never crossed an ocean twice or met His Royal Majesty King Poseidon himself.

In my typical Tanya way, one foot grounded in reality while the other spins out in the ethereal somewhere like a dancing queen “fair star” (ahem...stomps feet to ground myself!!!) I informed her that the crew were not really the famous Merfolks but that I had indeed felt their spirits. I gave her the certificate and asked her to cherish it.

So where am I going with this? Last Friday while polishing my Naga Kanye (half angel half mermaid or serpent!) in Indian mythology, I gave her a little kiss and asked her to put a good word in for me with my Holy One (I know I know...thou shall not worship a graven image, nor shalt thou have any gods Before me!)

Bear with me. I have not forsaken my Holy One completely and never will. I have just come to the deep knowing that G-d is with us in all manifestations and if I can communicate with my dog, cats, bird, the Fae then I certainly can ask the spirit of a Naga Kanye to pass along a message with a little whimsy and mischief as I KNOW I need no intermediary to talk to God...not a brass door ornament in the form of a Naga and no other entity. Just the I and the Thou. Whom is playing with me beautifully since my last surgery.

So I humbly but bemusedly ask her to send me a sign that God hears my prayers and heartfelt wishes for my everlastingly fucked up love life to improve!

Within two days I had mermaid synchronicities appear randomly to me. So I had a little sense of awe and a smile as this was an obvious “sign”.

So last Friday I was gifted a Forgiveness ceremony from my friend Michel Citrin. Then later that evening I lost myself in Ecstatic Dance. During the dance I looked up and in the corner of my living room there was a being or spirit looking right at me with large black eyes.

I got a little surprise but was unafraid. I assumed it was an extra-terrestrial vision (because you know it’s all there in my fertile subconscious as I have watched a lot of movies and tv shows about aliens). So I thought to myself that this is just a projection from my psyche as I was probably getting tired or defragmenting.

So I kept dancing but said out loud “Oh look, I see you! Hello there! Welcome!” The image or entity or being stared at me a few seconds longer then vanished. I felt safe and at peace.

Also last week to mitigate my rather heavy protection on my copper sign on my front gate I painted on the back of it “True Authentic Love Welcome Here”.

Facing on my side so that I know that anyone entering my Sacred Space garden and home (and also my inner Sacred space) comes to me with free will, peace, respect and genuine love/friendship.

Anyway...after watching the movie about mermaids tonight I realised I have seen it before, probably on Gaia. Then I realised that the projection or image or spirit or entity that stood next to my front door during my dance (to the left of my altar) well, I only saw him/her from the chest up, looked very much like the mermaid in this movie. Hmmm.

So I had a chuckle to myself at how my unoriginal fragmented complex ptsd fucked up but beautiful Mind showed me the energy I had communed with last week. Very cool but also a tad trippy.

Now I have to admit that I am also delighted that my communication; either verbal or telepathic, with etheric beings is starting to happen in quite distinct ways. This is something I actually asked for when I made offerings to the spirits and ancestors that Love me and to be fair sometimes they send me on little missions that scare the bejesus out of me (like that surgery which ended up being a full blown warrior goddess manifestation as I could not remain silent ergo complicit to the systemic abuse which meant I did my nana (as my paedophile godfather used to say!) but yes, I was RIGHTEOUSLY ANGRY and I was both Seen and Heard by the hospital staff that day.

I am well aware that this caused the healing process to be delayed for almost 10 months!!! Post traumatic syndrome, constant pain in my liver, drain site and under my rib cage, exhaustion, grief and over a year of poorly managed asthma will really fuck you up! All that while fighting from the brink of Death to heal my mind body and spirit.

I am not quite There yet. But I am better.

Tonight while eating my dinner of chicken winglets I had grilled in the griller, my dog waiting patiently for any scraps or tidbits I threw him, I was suffused with a great joy and gratitude.

I thanked God and Goddess for the delicious food. For sustaining me in a time of abject horror with enough good food, love and connection to all sentient beings but in particular to my Beloveds who had all called me today and yesterday to buoy up my spirits.

The symbiotic nature of healing means that I both give and receive and pay it forward. So I get very drained too. Only human after all!! Even if my spirit people often forget that I am contained and often constrained by an aging female body that craves freedom, wildness and company!!

They want me to “fly” in a container that can barely get out of bed most mornings. Achy breaky schlocky schmucky heart and old lady arthritic bones.

But here I am…touched by the Angels and my strange Naga manifestation whom I think was just testing me to see if I could “see” her/him.

So now I must be ready for the impending miracles, healings and occasional mischief and mayhem. I don’t know why the gods feel the need to test my spirit so damn much.

Surely by now, after 55 years they should know what my true heart is like??? Surely they know my level of integrity and my Tanya truths and my fears and petty hates and insecurities.

Surely they Know when things are too much for me. When grief subsumes me. When my trauma triggers turn me a little bit too vulnerable for my own liking and then I have to remind myself how far I have come and Whom brought me through literal Hell and High Waters to my Beloveds and various other Earthangels along the Path to this getting of Wisdom called Cronedom.

Whom (the Holiest of the Holy in all manifestations) blessed me with courage and a noble character and taught me, through some very terrifyingly life-threatening experiences, to Trust in Him and the Process.

I am grateful even as I am often shaken and stirred like an un-sipped Martini in a Bond movie. But then I never did like anyone Binding me. No...thank you. I will never be controlled again.

As my beloved Lyn pointed out to me that even my G-d knows to let me have the illusion of Freedom and refuses to Tame me. (YES!!! She loves me that much. Believes in me That Much and has never let me down!) A true sister!

I have also been thinking about how protected and blessed I have been in recent years. Even with the hellishly frightening and destructive health issues. How I finally feel comfortable in my home “Sacred Space” and also in my own skin (even if that motherfucker external shell is prone to skin cancers and wrinkles and weird menopausal acne out-breaks ‘cos nothing says ageing like “Pop goes the weasel”!)

But I digress...

I am feeling much loved and beautiful and blessed and satiated today. Even though I upset myself over those pizzagate morons in my Jewel Box community here yesterday. I said I would be satiated and respected and today...bah dum tish, hey presto, abracadabra, allakazoo! I manifested THAT much.

Thank you God, the Multiverses, All That Is/Was/Ever shall be. I am Happy We are on Speaking terms again.

🙂

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

#TheTanya

#theBerserker

#thePsychedelicDreamer

#LoverofMerpeople

#HobbitWoman

#MustangKwe (push, push, push)

#SheWhoRunsWithTheWolves

#WarriorGoddess. (Tired but still fighting)

#DaughterOfTheGods

And other strange titles I gift myself to get me through each day.

Oh oh giggles...if you auto-correct tdarons you get tsarina. Hilarious! Russian princess.

Update 2021:

In January 2021 I bought this silver charm of a diver and a mermaid wrapped in an embrace playing in the primordial subterranean oceans of existence.

Is he drowning and she is raising him up to land or is she dragging him to the depths?...with merfolks it can go either way...a symbol of our deep unconscious/subconscious.

I could not resist buying it even though money is always an energy I struggle with, in a spiralling embrace or sumo wrestle almost to the death!

I paid it off on afterpay and am quite bemused by my love of mermaids. Perhaps I was one in another existence or dimension.

Shortly after, beset by deep fears of abject poverty (no savings, no future, no superannuation, no partner, basic costs of living going up way beyond my pension which has not increased at all) I took a deep dive into that watery turgid mess and decided that I need a side hustle just so I can afford food and lawnmowing. Ffs.

So got inspired rather extraordinarily and unexpectedly to monetise my talents. Ahem. What talents? Well I am trying silversmithing flatware. It’s hard work and I am not sure if I can monetise it...yet. I will need to make a lot of jewellery and then there is no guarantee it will sell.

But I threw myself into that peculiar idea as it is something I always wanted to learn: how to be a proper jeweller. So I will start with silversmithing and see where that goes.

Then the other day a stranger that came to buy my mother’s Crystal candelabra so I can afford more tools randomly told me “you are loved, Tanya, not necessarily in ways you can relate to, but the love is out there nevertheless”. I almost fainted. This is confirmation/validation from the Void!

I don’t know what I can do about unrelatable unattainable loves though. But I guess it might manifest it’s true intentions soon. (For all I know it might be that determined trickster spirit/ancestor/ghost of a dead lover that has interfered in all my love affairs all my life! - plus my own trauma issues...not everything is supernatural!)

The gods and the mer-kin (not a merkin, people cos...ew) have Spoken!!!!!

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19 April 2019

Trigger warning: incest

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I should never have accepted my father’s ashes. I should have told his lawyer to throw them in the local Sewage treatment centre. So he can float with the effluent for eternity as that is where he belonged.

But I was a good girl. I honoured him as the sperm that once squeezed itself into a flocculant egg that created me. As the man that tried to nurture me as an infant with the warmth of his own body as my mother placed me in the small of his back.

That warmth that blossomed a deep love in my tiny infant heart but which betrayed me later as a child by refusing to protect me from Trevor and later at 20 when he cupped my pregnant breasts in his hands and I froze in horror, standing at my kitchen sink my hands wet and wrinkly amongst the dishes.

My father. Incestuous and culpable. But I did not speak out about him. I spoke out instead of Trevor, with my foetal Crystal 5 months in formation wriggling in my womb. My mother’s instant reaction was to call me a liar. But Cees confirmed he had suspected it all along (of course he did...as he predated on me too!)

It was not until I was 35 and I foolishly let my homeless father into my rental home that he started up the sexual overtones again. I was working at that time. Utterly terrified at work that he might sexually predate on my children. It made it hard to concentrate.

Jasmine hated him in a way I could understand. But to my knowledge he never molested her but the hatred intensified. I went to work and came home, in trauma-mode, an automaton barely functioning.

He started fights with my neighbours. The need to be alpha male, extending his territory like a braggadocial gorilla on heat. He had to go.

My neighbour kindly helped me move house several months later after my mother and her then bf’s abuse intensified. I felt like I was going mad but my children were my priority. Two more moves (we had already moved 6 times in 5 years) before I was brought to this government home in relative safety.

It has taken me 16 years to heal. Still healing. But with Dad’s death 2 years ago I finally found peace. No more wondering where the Wandrin’ Star/Fetid filthy rolling stone gathering his own moss had gone to. A relief in a way.

Only one monster from my childhood still alive. But shhhh... “Dead Sisters” don’t cry. Dead Sisters stuck in a zombie existence didn’t die in 2015 either.

Nay. I was kept alive to bear witness to this day. My survival. My hitting the reset button, defragmenting all the horror and dross, and beginning again...from ground zero.

I am Good at that. Good Girl!! Beginning but not ending. Never ending. Eternal optimism of my catalysed mind. Rinse and repeat.

So I am aware that things are changing all around me. That former abusers have slunk away. They could not break me. G-d only knows they tried. But they were mere amateurs and bit-players in my life where I had been so utterly broken by the time I was 6 years old.

They say everything has a reason. A lesson. A hidden gift. That even the traumatic stuff helps us grow.

Well, if that is true then I am a strange fruit, misbegotten in the tree of life that sat in the shade of muck and mire. It took me decades to blossom. Like a durian fruit, my insides fragrantly, flagrantly rotten but those who supped of me were well satiated and glutted and emboldened.

Eat drink and be merry. For tomorrow we die... or in a thousand tomorrows we transform our life force into the other dimension. But just for today I cleave to my Hobbitses one. Short fat and unloved except by a few rare birds.

I wait to see a new version of me. Stuck between heaven and hell. Singing my dreams into manifestation. Glory be to the Holy One.

Thanks for No Thing! Everything and some Thing. 😉

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Today I looked through my Facebook memories which were littered with sadness and trauma. Scattering my former father’s ashes and all the metaphysical hauntings that went with that. The will dispute horror.

Even reading a letter I wrote to Margaret when I was 15 (she returned all my letters!) in which I talked about the financial abuse I was experiencing (I wrote Cees a cheque for $5 for a teabag he wanted me to reuse three times so I fought him over it!)

I got a little depressed then realised I am doing much better in life now. No former family members to be so utterly vicious about money or to threaten to rape me (as Cees did) or make low guttural sexual sounds when I hung up the washing as my father did before I threw him out of my house 19 years ago only to have the bastard come back as ashes and make me deal with his filth yet again.

So the memories of 2 years ago, driving Daddy to Wellington Point beach to gift him to the sea to lie with those two other ghouls, my mother Gisela and stepfather Cees are not pleasant. All that car number plate ouija board messaging weird and inappropriate but Daddy wanted the last say and he got it.

No wonder I never found a safe loving sexual partner in my entire life. Look at my role models!!!

But I got to think that I am much calmer now. More grounded. Happier. Safer. I did that for myself. 54 years of grieving a life that never fully manifested. Grieving a lover that never really wanted me.

Always a huge hole blown inside my heart and life where things never quite match up. Like the ability to thrive, make money and have a solid love partnership.

That is what happens to little girls who are abused their entire life. We never quite Make it and are scapegoated and demonised and debased by society which is still patriarchal and abusive to female survivors.

So just for today, I feel resolutely triumphant and peaceful that I survived all of it.

I look forward to the next few years as more time and distance from the horror of my progenitors and their ghastly perverted sadistic henchmen (and women!) I look forward to healing more aspects of myself. To setting myself free of false superficial people.

To loving myself in a way that I attract good people who are decent and loyal.

To being truly Free of the past and building a future that is nurturing and nourishing, edifying and loving.

Happy Passover! Happy Easter. May all the gods of our understanding bless us! Amen v’selah.

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I have put all my crystals out in the moonlight. A perfect night to recharge and cleanse.

Magic happens, Babies :-)

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19 April 2018

Crystal is here, gathering some of her wares. I spent the afternoon, cleaning the guttering at the low end of the house. I need a really long ladder to get up on the side of the house to clear the fernery that self-sowed up there.

I also pruned back the lemongrass, cardamom and strelitzia, so it is less of a jungle out the front. So that was a huge effort as I felt unwell all week.

House is feeling a bit lighter as Crystal has taken some stuff and I have done some decluttering.

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I took Crystal to her new apartment. We had dinner at Jackpot Noodles. Then unloaded the car. No power at her place so we managed with torchlight from her phone.

Now home with my Beau who is happy to have me all to himself!

19 April 2017

Woken up by the Beauregard at 6.30 am. Left foot very sore. Feels like the pain I had when I had septic arthritis. But I really did hurt my feet this weekend dancing so it is probably just still sore from that. Right big toe sore and infected from ingrown nail which I have been trying to manage for weeks now.

Apart from those minor difficulties, it is a glorious morning. I will go back to snooze for 2 hours then get up, drive to Wellington Point and then the long walk to King Island on the low tide with Jarrod so we can deposit my father in the ocean and close a long arduous chapter in the Life of The Tanya.

I am happy. I am Free. I am ready for all the beautiful blessings that Life still has in store for me. I am so grateful to be surrounded by beautiful inspiring good kind people who love me and encourage me on my life's quest.

I am healing and I am joyous, prosperous and worthy of a great love and a peaceful happy life. Life is beautiful and magical and splendid. Amen!

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I had a fair bit of trouble scattering Dad's ashes. The plug on his plastic box had to be prised off with one of my car keys. I should have thought to bring a Stanley knife. The packaging was hard to break into too. He came in a very nice cardboard box once I got the outer packaging off. But the troublesome part was the plastic container.

Then funnily enough the Australia Post bag blew away and I had to chase it for about 500 metres as I did not want some poor turtle to choke on the plastic bag. Then somehow after all that effort it must have blown out of my bag again.

I had to laugh rather morbidly at how determined my father was to hang around me for a bit longer. All those delays trying to get to his ashes, then chasing his packaging. Nuts!

I still feel exhausted but glad it is all over now. No more dead estranged elders to deposit on the beach. Hallelujah!

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12.28 pm heading home from Wellington Point. Jarrod and I took the dogs and went for a walk past my mother's home. It has been rendered but looks unfinished. No high fences as I had been told. Looks still very much a schamozzle.

I guess the evil bitches are just sitting on it as their retirement fund. Anyway, it was heinous that I was robbed of my rightful inheritance but I would not have wanted to live in that house of horrors anyway. It seems they have fought hard for a huge white elephant so there is a certain natural justice in that.

I am free. I am happy. I am blessed. I am loved and the past is just a dead albatross that with Dad's final scattering can leave all my former vicious enemies far behind me. I have closure. I have peace and I now know where all my kin are. Ahem! Lmao!

I pray to Hashem that I never meet them on the Gilgulim ever again in eternity. I think I deserve to never have them cross my path ever again.

Love is eternal and G-d is the True Judge. I can be proud that once again I stepped up to the mark when called upon. But this is the last time.

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comments: from my fb video I cannot link to vocal media.

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Home. I used the sage stick to smudge myself, the dog and now the entire house. Any negative spirits or attachments are released and rejected. We are purified.

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Boychik am I exhausted! Glad to be home!

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19 April 2016

Up and at 'em. Stomach pain gone but pain in my left ribs. Had that yesterday morning. Must have pulled a muscle from coughing.

I wonder when I will ever wake up feeling healthy and fantastic again. It has been known to happen on rare occasions. Dammit!

Anyway, I slept well. It is a beautiful day outside. Life is good.

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I had a lovely day with Jarrod. He worked on my bell suction valve for the aquaponics (still needs tweaking) and then cooked me dinner. I had unexplained stomach spasms, cramps so that was painful and annoying. So I took a Buscopan and lay on the couch. We watched Zeitgeist together. Very thought-provoking.

19 April 2015

5.55 am. Home safe. Exhausted. In epic pain in my left knee which hurt when I went out at 10 pm and Glory Be, aint no surprise but hurts even more now. I barely crawled up my 12 steps. My steps to Sanctuary! Or heavenly bliss out in my epsom salt bath.

I am not complaining. I had a wonderful time in spite of sleazebag douchebag Stalker no 1 showing up and dancing all night with another woman. Then he had the absolute chutzpah to bring her next to me to dance beside me.

I called him “Faucho Di Minchia” which is Sicilian for Fuckface. So he slunk off like the slimeball he really is. Shame though. I had high hopes for him back in January. He is after all, a passionate lover. Another soulless hollow man with a libido of a bull and the brains of a dead rat. No regrets.

I told him then, I love another man. Is it my fault as usual that my fucked up damaged heart and psyche loves a man who just isn't into me but faked it for 15 months. Who still comes to the casino to stare at me even with another woman in tow. I don't know whom is more pathetic. Me for loving Wiglet or him for being unable to curb his strange fascination.

Today I texted him and told him “Your Penance (if you choose to accept it) is to listen to KD lang singing Hallelujah at least 20 times while standing on your head, naked and then to listen to Keep it Precious by Melissa Etheridge, oh at least once.

You might think I am an idiot but you played me for over a year so you are one too!

🙂

Listening to Voodoo Child and Black Magic Woman and staying Sharp!

You don't deserve a woman like me. You know it. I know it.

Love is blind, deaf and dumb. But what Sweet Sorrow and what Ecstasy!

Bye Wiglet!

I am only sharing this with you to show my sense of humour is intact. Worry when I lose it. I did lose it for about 6 years. Those were very scary times.”

Now because Hashem and my angels are supposed to be working with me to attract my One True Love and because G-d and I have a rather warped relationship, he/she/ it read that text and can you believe it??!!! Wait for it. This is insane.

A large black man from New Orleans who dances regularly at the casino tried to kiss me. I often tease him about being into Voodoo. So tonight I called him Voodoo Child and he tried to kiss me (ew!) and I said I will have none of that. (Or they will all want some!)

But he sat with me and Joan at 5 am and had a chat. Turns out he's an actor and Joan said she knew his name as he used to play piano at Micheal's restaurant. Lol. So thanks Jimi Hendrix (not quite what I had in mind but um, beggars can't be choosers). Lmao.

Voodoo Child told me he is the grandson of Louie Armstrong. I thought he was pulling my leg, but I googled him and Lol! He actually is! What a Wonderful World!

19 April 2014

19 April 2012

Tuesday is promising to be a Horrific day for me. Lawyers are plying for smaller and smaller shares to me with the bulk going to Scherers. Proof once again that this Country favors Criminals, liars, thieves and Slanderers.

My fight for Justice suffering 2 years of Trauma and Stress will barely have been worth it. Donations of alcohol will be greatly appreciated! Frankly I just don't see the point in being Compis Mentis and the Perennial Good Girl anymore!

All Hell is about to Break Loose! The Tanya will party before she dies! Hahaha

19 April 2010

just chilling and giving my nerves a much needed rest.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons