Memories: 18 September 2025

18 September 2025

6:54 am woken up by epic reflux. FFS! It’s endless. But...breathing is behaving better. Woot! Only got up twice last night which is also a vast improvement on the previous night.

Today is gonna be another great day! I will make it so. Mind over matter. I have achieved great things in recent years even with my health struggles! So it’s all a co-creation with the gods and attitude is everything.

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All polished up. A second time with rouge. Phew! It’s a scathing hot day so it was quite a task. Now to rest and relax.

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This evening I plaited the piece of Beauregard’s tail I had kept in my mother’s locket. I have set it in resin with some purple and pink glitter in a heart-shaped ice cube tray (I use for resin!). I hope it turns out well as the resin is quite old, left over from when I renovated Gisela’s marble table back on 21 October 2020.

I will need to buy fresh resin to coat the pink marble table that I had sanded back but didn’t finish with the resin. Another project that needs to reach completion. Gahhh. But the only one that is left to complete, I think.

Anyway, I have two locks of my kids’ hair I might also set in resin. Not sure about that. The one on the left is Bobo. The other two were too bright pink. I will use them for something else.

18 September 2024

I had a nice day. A debrief with my psychiatrist then I went to Pet Barn and bought three goldfish for my pond. I only had one left after the death of my second goldfish a few days ago. So now I have four fish in the pond. May they live long and prosper.

18 September 2023

Another lovely day. Lyn visited and gifted me with a roast beef and vegetables meal, also sausages and marinated lamb chops to cook up at a later time. We sat in the semi-shade of the trees and chatted.

She was so sweet, saying “Hello” to my house and garden which she says has developed its own personality. It is said we should honour our homes (or rather the spirits that reside therein!) I swear I almost felt my home responding to her greeting with friendly “smile” or perhaps it was just the afternoon sunshine, bathing her in a warm glow!

After she left I took Charley for a short walk to visit Rosie. Margot and the children were home and I arrived and the heels of her sister Libby arriving. Rosie was delighted to greet me as always. Such a gorgeous dog.

Margot gifted me a yellow orchid plant as she says she kills all plants. I was delighted. I adore orchids. I put it on my window sill. It’s about to burst into full bloom so I hope so don’t kill it also. I think it will be fine!

18 September 2022

Day 8 of Mullein tea. The coughing has ceased but yesterday I had some skin irritation on my right arm. Very itchy and also stinging like tiny insects were stabbing me. I get that from time to time, so not sure it’s because of the tea.

However I am very fatigued, which mullein is used to aid in sleep, so it might be the cause of that. However two nights ago I had very little sleep and was up 9 times peeing large volumes, so I might just be exhausted from that episode.

But the good thing is I am not coughing much anymore and only bring up phlegm just after drinking the tea.

I reduced to one cup of mullein today as I was concerned about the fatigue and the itchy burning skin. I am hopeful that it might heal my chest for a while as the chronic bronchitis for the past two years has been very debilitating.

I am healing myself to the tenth generation before me! 🙂

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3:30 am still not sleeping…unless I am ghostwriting? Oh well…sleep is rejuvenating and necessary, and will happen when my spirit gives up and let’s me rest. (Usually after I post on fb about my insomnia as it’s like I need to give myself permission to vent before I am spent.)

Good night Beloved ones! Zzzz

18 September 2021

18 September 2020

Haha Jarrod took this photo of me just as I reacted to Crystal telling me that I am a hyperchondriac (I am not!!), that I don’t have fibromyalgia (not diagnosed anyway but that does not explain the chronic fatigue and struggle with walking for most of the morning!), that I don’t have Diverticulosis (this seriously pissed me off as I do have it as it was diagnosed with one of my several icky awful colonoscopies!)

So I was about to hit the roof!!

Then decided she is just winding me up and as to the fibromyalgia … that is not diagnosed so probably I don’t have it, so we are both right on that count.

As for hypochondria... Jesus that is malignant. I don’t have it. I do have serious health issues mostly related to childhood trauma ie bad teeth, bad digestive system, cptsd, chronic fatigue, occasional suicidal ideation, bouts of depression (less severe than in my 30s and 40s!)

But I am getting better as I age - like a stinking decaying cheese...my flavour and attitude is improving.

I am off all pharmaceuticals except for Seretide steroid for my fucked up asthmatic lungs and my folic acid for my homocysteinaemia and vitamin D as my liver was not processing it naturally and magnesium I take for my creaky recalcitrant joints.

Other than my strange incoherent bowels I am healthy as a horse (except for being overweight)

I was quite physically fit from dancing too, which I miss greatly.

So no, no hypochondria but my Death Stare is well, hilarious and to die for.

Me: Laura Martin, also it was interesting seeing my “triggered” face that many people at the casino have probably delighted in observing after sending drunk sexual predators over to me. It never went well for them.

Ultimately two male “casino” friends both admitted to me that they had all tried to wind me up but No one fucks with The Tanya! I just laughed and said that was because there had been quite enough Fuckery in my lifetime and I am over it.

Now what to do about my crazy facial expressions?! Just as well that was not permanently frozen in place like we were threatened with as kids...when the wind changes.

But the wind changes all the time and so do my moods. Such Joie de Vivre in such a funny middle aged face!

There is nothing like blood relatives to be sadistically cruel and expect to get away with it. I don’t enjoy being called a liar or an imposter or a hypochondriac. My FOO all did that!

Even when I was so close to dying many tines during my childhood. Cees even tried to deny me medical treatment when I had bad bronchitis in Melbourne.

Mainly because I stood up to him when he sexually harassed me (age 9!). Dirty evil cunt of a man. But my mother went along with it until I became so ill she felt shamed into taking me to see a specialist at the King Alfred Hospital.

Of course my childhood illnesses were probably attempts to suicide as no child can possibly thrive in that environment.

But yet I mysteriously survived childhood as I must now survive my 55 years too.

It’s all swings and roundabouts.

I am good at Surviving. Been doing for decades. lol. Even my psychiatrist told me that technically I should not have survived my childhood.

So you know what? My daughter with her ambivalent attachment style (in her own way does love me) can put as much shit on me as she likes because deep down, she knows I am no ordinary Mother or human, as not many could have existed or survived what I have done.

It’s nice she can’t comprehend it as it means she was protected (by me!!!) from most of it.

The little sadistic button-pushing is noted though. There is a history...Darling!

18 September 2017

So I had a dentist appointment at QE2 hospital and was rather bemused when I got out of my car to see a number plate saying Omi. Oh god I thought, please let nothing bad happen today. My mother's energy and number plate ouija is never a welcome thing.

So I am up at the dental clinic waiting room and rather oddly a movie about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton tumultuous love affair was on their tv. (My mother was very fond of Elizabeth Taylor of the violet eyes). So I kept one eye on the telly and one on my book.

I noticed another woman enraptured with the movie but she had to leave as her husband came out from his appointment. She looked at me and sort of shrugged reluctantly.

I chuckled and said "Well Darling, that pair were one hot mess, all drama and chaos but a tantalising Hot Mess, that's for sure", wryly thinking about all my defunct disastrous love affairs myself and laughing because it's funny when it's not your own reality, aight?!

The woman agreed, "Oh well I don't get to see the end of the movie but we know how it ends". I giggled. On screen, Liz is told of Dick's death and she faints in extreme hystrionics. Five minutes later the movie abruptly ends. "He always loved me", she declares. She kept his letters until her own death. Yeah I get it.

So I go into the dentist and she tells me it is a mystery as to why my teeth are still so painful, puts some bond on the margin of the gum line of one of my molars as I have still been getting searing nerve pain.

Tells me to call the emergency number if the root canal tooth acts out and if it does stop giving me pain over next few months to come back in and she will give it a permanent filling ie seal the motherfucking deal.

Oyyy! I tell you all, my friends, if I have much more pain like I had last summer I will just kill myself as I am over it. But I believe that I am healing and the oil pulling seems to help too.

Anyway, I stumble out of there in bewilderment, thinking, oh well, one tooth is resolved (hopefully) and the root canal one will be resolved and hopefully this is nearly the end of over 13 months of ongoing pain. (Psy sighs! Yayyy!)

Then I walk out of the lift and walk to the coffee shop and see in the line for the coffee, an old friend of my ex bf. Awkward. Fuck I think. Fuck. Be cool, Tanya.

So I go to the counter and drag out my purse from my bag and proceed to line up next to him. Fuck it. Kill more bees with honey. So I said "Hello Donny". "Hello Tanya." We had a pleasant chat for five minutes until his coffee is made. Nice. Nice but weird.

His wife is in hospital with a hip replacement. I said to him "It's weird I run into you as I have been throwing out heaps of papers and old photos and I came across your wedding photo. It was such a lovely day!"

Proudly he stands tall and says "The happiest day of my life apart from the births of my children". I grin. "As it should be, Donny, one should only ever marry someone they love and things can go wrong anyway, so it's good it was your happiest day".

He nodded. I asked about his kids. They are doing well. He said "We are getting old". I smiled and nodded "Older!" Anyway he went back upstairs to his wife and I beat my track outta there.

Very strange. My ex once told me Donny wanted to kill me???! For what? Lol, anyway Donny was pleasant and so was I, and if anyone should be killed...never mind...over it now!

Life has been very strange and fucking twisted and cruel to me, but like the goddess of love (unrequited, smited, and hard bitten) that I truly am, I rise above it. Like a blister in the sun. The mugwump arsekicked schmuck that I am. But Fabulous, Darlings. ;-)

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18 September 2019

Love comes seeking, leaking, seeping through the misty silvery walls. I built them from tears and fears, disappointments, betrayals. You can’t see them but they covered my aura like a space suit and under it only I could breathe, believe, perceive.

Shadows hung from old traumas, clutching, pinching, scratching but I shooed them away.

Enter my domain of delight only if you have the key with pure intent, goodwill, affection, kindness.

My invisible invincible walls glisten with condensation flowing iridescently like waterfalls of protection and defiance.

He sees into my soul, stares deeply into my eyes. Searching out the spirit that quietly growls and yawns and drools. Wolvish one. My protector and warrior of olde.

Perhaps he hopes I would defragment under his gaze but I have no fear of any Seeker testing my integrity or my mettle. I come in peace and often leave in pieces but I pull my separate souls together with a shimmy and a shake, hair flying in the wild winds, body glistening as I regain my equilibrium and retreat behind waterfalls.

He’s been tapping my energy. I have not responded. Except to send my wolf to reconnoître my domain. Foot pads lovingly touching the earth in a gliding sinuous motion across dimensions. Sniffing the air, tasting the sounds of his silence and mockery.

“Don’t worry...he’ll be back!”

“But Wolf? What of the sabotage and the treachery, the epic mischief and unholy interferences of spiteful envious souls?”

“Love, Tanya...Love... always finds its way to you, does it not? Have we not always shown you the truth behind the masks and the holiness amidst the horror? Have we not always lifted you up with honour in moments that seemed the most futile and desperate and dangerous? Do you still not know whom you are? Or your true value?”

“No” I reply. “I am only a mere mortal, trapped by the gods in an eternal cosmic play. Only flesh and heart and subject to the laws of the universe!”

Laughter from the Sephirot...

“Have we not bent the laws of gravity to save you before?”

“Yes. Oh yes. Landing like a pussycat on my elegant Spanish stilettos when I should have died that day, oor at least been severely injured”.

“Then ... you must Trust”.

“But he fears me. My rage, my grief and my poverty. My life force. My intellect and my stubborn heart!”

“...and yet still he watches from the distance. Unable to release the love that You poured into him”.

“But it is empty and pointless when there is no communication, no communion, no comfort, no partnership, just the chronic bullshit games and flaunting of his other women”.

“Whose emptiness is it? Why do you claim it? Let his game unravel and unfurl... his spirit and heart knows the truth. Trust in us. Did you not pray for perfect alignment, for healing, for a true deep loyal faithful Lover?”

“I did...”

“Baruch Haba’a . Be kind, be welcoming. You had him utterly terrified, transfixed, tantalised. You revoked your curses. You breathed life back into your broken heart and body. You let your Soul rise and shine.

Let him come. Push through your waterfalls and steel trap of a mind, lay down your defiance and stoicism. Accept”.

“But but but.... “

“Everything is going to be okay. Love is yours. Pouring to you from the earth and from the Supernal realms. You did this!”

Comments:

Mischief in the ether, you make me laugh! I guess this means... I am ready lmao.

Quel dommage! I came pre-programmed for romantic sensibilities by my brainwashing predatorial family. But this was one of my mother’s favourite songs:

18 September 2015

To go out or not to go out. That is the question! Whether it be nobler to my mind to suffer the anxieties and petty atrocities of envious low lifes, or to go down the road to the IGA and buy chocolate to attempt chocoholic carbicide. Don't freak out, people, as we all know I fail at every aspect of my life, now including but not exclusive to suicide. Hahaha.

On that happy but dark note, I am getting out of bed, getting dressed. There will be chocolate.

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Half a block of Rolo down. Now happy with a massive Theobromine high and watching House of Cards.

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I love this. Do You. Be You. "You are what you love but not what loves you". Internal process of creativity. From the inside out, not external ideation. Yeah. I get it. I slip into maudlin despair over not getting the love I want. I am the Love I have inside me. I am Awesome.

I don't want or need the shallow shadow puppet love I was exhibited last week. I only need Me. I need and want true friends and good people in my life. I am a true friend and a good person.

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5 pm Shabbat Shalom! Just woke up. Slept from 9 am. I guess I am not travelling too well to sleep so much the past few weeks.

It was warm and snuggly with little Harvey curled up next to me. He slept all day too! So did Mushu at my feet.

I have been praying for a loving male partner to sleep next to every night. Someone who genuinely loves me no matter what. I did ask for a man but I got something even truer, and more reliable. A weekend of epic Harvey Love, and Mushu and Socks and of course my girls, Penny and Sophie.

They never let me down or play cruel games with my heart and mind.

I still feel so Angry at the behaviour eshewed me last Saturday night. It was so disrespectful and nasty. But I try to remember that I am hyper-sensitive right now and they are just lost pathetic drunks and I am just a lost pathetic older woman incapable of being loved in a wholesome life-enhancing way.

My addiction is worse than theirs. I can't obliterate the craving by gasping on booze all night.

Jack Daniels is my friend but we don't abuse him or lose control like others. That is my other back-handed gift from Trauma.

So what to do? Keep doing what I do best. Watching the world go by, sometimes participate in it and keep breathing and loving me.

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Oh god, those bad home perms my mother forced on me. The horror!

Omg! Dannii! Lol! My school photos are scary. After the frizzy perm I was given a Princess Diana haircut. Everyone then told me I looked like Princess Di! I didn't. I looked like a Dork. I was 16 and never so unhappy with a hairdresser in my life.

My mother used to shred my hair out in bunches when I was small too. I learnt very quickly to brush my own hair and make my own lunches or buy lunch. Haha!

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12.57am. I finally finished another long necklace. It feels good to be merging too-short necklaces into long ones. I got sick of looking at them, doing nothing, hanging on my bed. So now I can enjoy wearing them.

Tonight's project was made from two short Hematite, some malakite and some mookite. Interesting combination!

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Game players gonna play, liars gonna lie, haters gonna hate but I see it all laid out before me like cold stale porridge. Those who want me to eat shit and die, better try harder.

One thing about failing to kill myself (oh, how inconvenient!) is I get to rise from my own personal ashes and I am no longer interested in playing a game of chess with pawns and court jesters.

"Bring in the clowns, there has to be clowns! Don't worry, they're here."

LMAO!

18 September 2014

7.06 pm. Slept all day. Thanks Seroquel. Now time to party or at least live life.

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I had to take 100 mgs of Seroquel to quell my mind and get to sleep this morning. That is a lot. I must be really in overdrive.

So today I am going to try to rest and take things easy.

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Today I woke up and wrote a love note to my "beloved???" Poor bastard. Spirit moved me.

I feel like a pinball in a machine being bounced around by the vicissitudes of time and nature but I won't give up on Love. No matter how stupid I look or feel. Poor Me! I need a life.

I guess eventually I will get bored of licking a frozen pole and getting my tongue stuck to it.

I am going to have a shower and get stuck into my cases. When feeling rejected and spurned one has no choice but to keep busy!

Just keep going...

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4.34 am bad reflux, then bloody Socks went bouncing off walls an hour ago. Now up again to throw Penny out for same reason. Only Sophie lies in dignified solitude in her room.

Exhausted! No rest for the Wicked! Even my feet are aching with arthritic pains. The 50 mg Seroquel didn't knock me out either!

There must be a movement in the Force as I noticed the moon looked rather large at 2 am this morning.

Time to attempt sleep...again!

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2.20 am. Finally home again. Too tired to do the arty farty suitcase tonight.

Time to schluff. Penny tells me it’s cuddle time, purring madly at me.

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18 September 2012

Tuesday 1.15 pm, Dentist has had a cancellation so he's booked me for my Implant operation. I will be one sore woman tomorrow, but after the bone fuses some time in January I won't look like a Public Dental Hospital Horror story anymore. Hallelujah!

18 September 2011

I've had an amazing few days and am enjoying my life on the flipside with my worldview upside down. It's incredible to be experiencing this joy and empowerment when only 8 weeks ago I was ready to give up and check out! These emotional tests seem to recalibrate my life on such a magical way.

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Two stunning sunsets in two nights. I tried to capture the effect of the red orb sitting on top of the Pacific Highway but had not learned how to zoom in lol. I was so upset about the missed magic moment but was blessed tonight with yet another amazing setting sun so got it right this time!

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This is a video. It looks authentic too. But I can’t put video footage in vocal media :-(

18 September 2010

The Chosen One is distressed when she is cognitive of not actually being chosen. I mean where does that leave me? The Eternally Rejected, ergo Dejected.

As a character in Little Britain says....Dust. No calories. Eat dust. (For dust we are and dust we shall become!) It's all good, I'm ok. Thanks G-d.

18 September 2009

L'Shanah Tovah to all and sundry but never on a Sunday. Don't overkill the honey cake!

18 September 2008

is depressed and gearing up for the guardianship tribunal tomorrow...what a mess!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons