Memories: 18 May 2025

18 May 2025

9:30 am I woke up from a very intense dream about rushing to go to a big event and had left a very exquisite sequin dress with a neighbour who then denied that I left it with him (in effect stole my dress!) and I was in such a frantic rush.

Crystal was with me trying to help me get ready and said I forgot to give the birds their water so I kicked off my high heels and barefoot ran back upstairs to make sure they had everything they needed then I burst into tears as I had only minutes to spare and now no dress and I started banging on the neighbour adjoining wall (not my house in this dream!) and yelling at him that he is a thief and a bastard.

In frustration I cried again and told Crystal I don’t even have time to put on makeup now. “Never mind Mum” she said “you still look beautiful”. I didn’t…I was a wreck. Whatever event it was….I considered cancelling going.

Then I went back down stairs and the dream didn’t get resolved as I woke up feeling shattered from the shock and horror of my dreamscape. I had to remind myself that everything is safe, I am safe and I have nowhere to be today so there is no need of the frantic stressed out frenzy like in my dream 🙂. Yay.

I had bad insomnia last night until about 3 am so I needed a good rest not nightmares. But it is what it is.

Time to get ready for the day and let the day treat me with kindness, honour and integrity!

…

Looking promising! The test will come when I attempt to solder the bezel to the cuff. #titaniasrealm #perpetualAnxietyleadstocreativityandsuccess

10:25 pm I just finished cutting paper to size for my grimoire. I used up the two large paper pads I have had lying around for years. Upcycling and putting everything to good use!

I forgot to eat all day, I was so busy screwing the hardware into Kermie’s cage, then doing washing. I put the birds outside in the garden. Three crows, a butcher bird and two kookaburras were most fascinated (and a tad aggressive!) I took a video and posted it on YouTube. I left the boys out there for about four hours. They enjoyed being out in the garden.

Then I set to work on cutting my bezel strip from the fine silver sheet, and made the bezel. That took a few more hours!

I ordered dinner from Metro Chicken then ate gustily, as I was ravenous. Then I sat on the rug and cut up the paper for my grimoire. That also took about three hours.

Time to sleep. I have been very busy for three whole days. Like a supercharged jet engine!

Tomorrow I will solder the bezel into the cuff then set the turquoise stone! I am excited to complete this project. After that I will need a long rest!

18 May 2023

I met Crystal at the Lifeline shop in Annerley. She loves her pendants! We had a lovely time shopping at Garden City too :-)

18 May 2022

I have finally booked myself in for a skin check. I have several Lesions which have not healed in the past two years. Eeek!

My psychiatrist debriefed with me this arvo and told me one of his employees is terminal from skin cancer. He was very distressed.

So that put the boot up my tochas I needed to get my own skin issues checked and if necessary treated.

I am triggered all over the place as the last skin doctor was so evil! But I need to get on top of the skin cancers or they too, will kill me.

18 May 2021

Today has been a full throttled hypomanic day. I feel quite unravelled! But I got a few jobs done including finishing the washing.

…

18 May 2020

This afternoon I had a chat with my childhood friend Margaret. She asked if I had made any progress with my book and I told her I had been stymied with despair after being told by a publisher that my writing was good but too chaotic and disorganised and therefore unpublishable.

The woman had not bothered to read it properly as she said I wrote about having an affair with a rabbi which is utter nonsense. I wrote no such thing. I have never had affairs with any of my rabbis. In fact they had been protectors and mentors and defenders many times. Nothing of a sexual nature at all.

I was so offended I blocked this woman immediately then freaked out as I had sent her my many Facebook writings so I feared she might publish them and leave real names in place without my permission. Even my psychiatrist felt I was naïvely trusting.

So I lost confidence. In my ability to succeed at writing or any other bloody venture that I might dabble in.

So this evening I was tidying up my folders (in fact I have decorated one with pretty wrapping paper scraps that Lyn had gifted me!) and decided to transfer my typed-up diaries and other writings into it.

I stumbled across some embarrassing erotic descriptions of a long ago love affair (torrid, passionate but of course ended badly as do all my unrequited love partnerships).

Then stumbled across a diary entry where I mentioned making a phone call to my Uncle and how I feared even reaching out to him or anyone even remotely in contact with my mother or Buck as I had moved into hiding to escape them.

I was surprised to learn that my uncle also had suffered sleep apnoea and osteo-arthritis. He warned me about alcoholism which was also rife in our family.

I said to my Uncle Bruce “It’s kind of comical in a way that an almost 38 year old has to hide from her family”. He replied “Well it’s not funny at all, it’s awful!” I replied “I know, but I have no regrets about my decision. I have to keep my daughters and myself safe from them!”

(This conversation happened on 26 January 2003). Just prior to me being provided with this govt rental home (5 May 2003).

Wow. It took many many years to finally feel safe. 10 years after Gisela’s death, 3 years after David’s death.

Only very recently have I felt the release of the past and peace and the potential to finally succeed in my own tiny contributions.

After being in this house for 17 years.

Anyway Margaret had said there are real gems tucked away in my writing. Certain descriptors or way of expressing myself.

I replied “it’s all shit...meaningless shit Margaret”. I almost yelled at her. She replied “there are so many resources in all of that written history that you could really help other women in similar situations”.

She is right. I can shine by example. But just looking at my diaries opens wounds that seep with a fresh despair and evisceration than is hard to explain. Complex ptsd +++ has prevented me from getting any sort of real justice or from succeeding in any Avenue.

Except for my mad baltering tribal dancing where I unfurled my fury and passion and vague hopes of finding real authentic love on a certain “spot”. Out out Damned Spot. Lmao!!

Bullies and bitches could not stop The Tanya from showing up and dancing in her glorious triumphant Survival. (God knows they tried and almost succeeded...) but The Tanya hit the ground running from her own suicide attempt on 22 August 2015 and ramped up her style even more fiercely and danced until her gallbladder gave out (thanks in part to the hrt my doctor prescribed) and my liver almost imploded (I still get pain in the liver area and drain site almost a year after THAT fucked up surgery!!) and just when Mama T was back on her feet and finally ready to continue with her dance, she got sidelined and stymied by Covid 19 and the resultant lockdown.

A virus claimed my freedom when nothing and no one else could. Oh the irony.

So here I have some old gems and some deplorable germs and some loving, dancing and laughing in the face of my enemies to still achieve.

Life goes on.

18 May 2019

18 May 2018

Today is the secular anniversary of the death of my father in law Harry Arons. 34 years ago. Wow. My former wedding anniversary in two day’s time. Hard to believe I was so very young. 19 years old.

Anyway Shabbat Shalom to Harry. To us all! May we find rest and peace and freedom from our enemies. Amen v’selah!

Update 2019: His secular Yahrzeit. One of my only “fathers”. He held a deep respect and love for me in the short time we had together.

He taught me Hebrew prayers and blessings in his strong Ashkenazi accent. He told me stories of his childhood in Baranovich, Poland and I adored the sparkle in his eyes when he would reminisce. Also his mischievous smile.

While he was dying in hospital it fell on my birthday and he sent his son (my fiancé) out to buy me a bottle of perfume. I cherished that bottle ever after (kept with my perfume bottle collection!).

His sweetness and thoughtfulness far outshone his son. I think he loved me much more!

His favourite colour was green and he asked me to put on my wedding gown so he could see me dressed as a bride. When I dressed in it he looked a tad confused and asked why the dress was not green. (Morphine infusions messing with his mind).

I told him that I would wear green in the wedding bouquet. I think he knew he would not survive to see the wedding. It was a poignant moment.

Update 18 May 2025: 41 years now… psy sighs. That man was one of very few rare and precious men to have ever loved me. More than his son, I think. He wanted me prosperous, and protected. He loved my fire and my strength and never once tried to crush me. A good “father” to me unlike the rest in my childhood.

Jarrod told me on Thursday that perhaps it was Harry Arons who came to guide me through finding Charlie’s beak then acting as a muse that day (27 April) to complete the casting and make it into a pendant.

I joked it couldn’t be, as that energy was of a very big tall man, who was incredibly bossy but stolid and determined I obey his directives. Also he didn’t have a Yiddish accent!

Then I giggled as I stated “but what do I know? He’s been dead 41 years and might have evolved beyond having an accent or beyond being a short person. It might have been a little trick he played so I wouldn’t know it was him?!”

Jarrod said “He loved you and wanted you to be successful and loved so I think it was him! He too liked to create things so he might be your Muse?”Hmmm.

His Jewish yahrzeit was 16 Iyar so that fell on May 14th. (I had to google it as I wondered why 27 April was so important that I had an angel or a guide with me ALL day!)

…

…

My friend Jarrod who worked with me in my business. I was “out there” like Animalll and Jarrod was much calmer and soothing like Kermit.

18 May 2017

Insomnia! 3 hours sleep now wide awake and itchy, fidgety and racing thoughts. Ffs!

Taking a Valium as I am exhausted. I have clean sheets and the salt block purified my bedroom and lounge. I should be sleeping like a baby. So annoying.

…

I have bad lower back pain. Still coughing. Feeling shitful. I have gained 2 kilos as well. So I am going to bed early and am just gonna rest.

…

Chocolate and glühwein. I will Die happy if it kills me!

18 May 2016

I am having a happy week, in spite of my exhaustion. The days have been calm, sunny and beautiful. The nights are cooler but The Tanya has The Doona! I worked hard in the garden yesterday, rinsing scoria but so proud of our success!

I will top up the other ponds now and clean their filters.

18 May 2015

Jarrod and I are now enjoying a cider at The Beach Hotel. Having a lovely time, under the heater. I want to play Pool.

…

Rocking Byron Bay with Jarrod. The girls have moved on to Grafton.

…

18 May 2014

I am fighting the urge to go out and being Domesticated by cooking up a big pot of chicken soup. I haven't made soup in years. I found this out by the expiry date on the beef stock which was from 2011. So funny!

Luckily I bought some packets of stock recently. I waste so much money on food I don't cook and throw out. Today I gave the hens some leftover Kugel I baked for the first time ever but didn't like (used too much butter). Oy veh.

I am looking forward to the soup however. It's a cold night and I need nurturing.

…

18 May 2011

Woke up at 12.30pm feeling like crap, pondered how I was going to get through the day, but decided not to stay in bed for the rest of the day.

Glad I didn't cos I spent the entire afternoon, digging out my compost, distributing it on my passionfruit, grapevine and raspberry and around the bat plant and other gingers for an extra boost.

Then I put epsom salts diluted in water on the other stuff that needed it. Then I flushed out the worm farm so had lots of worm wee to distribute around as fertiliser. I also did a few loads of washing then came inside to have a well-deserved rest. Phew!

There is something really wholesome and earthing about shovelling out compost, sifting out the larger twigs etc between your hands and lovingly placing the huge juicy earthworms in the container before spreading on the garden.

I feel so much better. Now I'm just tired from the fresh air and exercise instead of just being tired from being tired of being tired and did I mention ....tired LOL. I've had a lovely day.

18 May 2009

I'd like to know a little bit about you for my file, I'd like to help you learn to know yourself...it's a little secret just a Robinsons' affair...anyway you look at it you lose....

Update 2021: But....the pendulum swings both ways.

18 May 1984

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons