Memories: 17 April 2025

17 April 2025

7:12 am Recalibrations. Equilibrium in process. Back from the Void. Holding my own on Sacred Space. Breathing….

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17 April 2024

11:11 am stay grounded in reality, People of Earth. My feet are planted barefoot on the ground, as I am about to make yet another vlog and chew the fat while cutting the crap and incisively designing my fate or summat lak that!

Make a wish! Believe! Receive! Achieve! Live well and happy. Love well and happily. Never ever let the bastards grind us down!

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https://youtu.be/mGArCLPVn6k?si=G5Ch4cOoO_3zdFAT

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1:11 pm I am being called into paying attention to signs and portents from the Multiverses. I am actually watching a documentary on YouTube about Carlos Castaneda.

I was thinking I need to buy all the magical and/or occult books that I used to have as a much younger woman and I am feeling overwhelmed with that task of replenishing lost knowledge.

Then just now I remembered Arcan from Paltalk who was also a Jew like me, saying “Everything you ever need to know is already inside of you. Go within!” A true epithet, but I will still strive to replenish my occult library one day. Just for the comfort and ease of being immersed in knowledge and wisdom. 🙂

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My handsome psychiatrist is now freaking out about my intensified apnoea issues and my blue cyanotic lips. So now we are having to find a safe sleep/respiratory specialist to try to save me from my own self at this late stage of life (21 years without cpap treatment as it did not aid me in any way when I trialled it for 10 months in 2003) having air forced into my lungs every night caused severe pain and discomfort.

I told him to let me go as I am dying. He told me he has fought too long and hard to get my mental health stabilised and even improved and even providing the urologist visits to try to ameliorate that bladder issue, to just give up on me just yet.

It was like an impasse! I told him that I was informed two decades ago that the sleep apnoea would kill me by shutting down various organs and that after fighting my own “death” for 21 fucking years I have truly reached acceptance.

He says it’s just sleep deprivation making me feel like shit and if we can improve the apnoea, I may wrest another 20 years out of this body, this life yet.

The choice is mine. I have to want to!

So we agreed on sourcing a suitable trauma informed specialist (bejaysus!!!) and I am choosing my own physical form’s continuance as a duty of care rather than an active enthusiastic Choice. As fuck it…

But I told Brian, there are a few things I still wish to enjoy before I totally give up the ghost. We both grinned at each other. The human need for sex in the face of death is a battle of the sexes, few even realise or know how to negotiate.

Will I do it? Maybe…depends on which side of the coin the ferryman tosses from his stable, but still seaworthy, boat on the river called Styx. Oh, and Brian also told me that hypoxia does feel like drowning.

That man loves me (in the context of being my psychiatrist) more than any other mortal man has ever loved me …Because he comprehends me. Amazing!!

I am a powerful woman with a zest for life that is astonishing and even at times miraculous, given my entire life experiences.

So yeah….to be continued….

17 April 2023

I woke up at 7 am. Intense pressure from my bladder. My right ear leaking with the inflamed or blocked eustachian tube. It’s a worry. I feel like a teapot, short and stout, leaking in my extremities with an excess of fluid. I am getting a little scared, quite frankly.

The ear is not painful but it’s been seeping for a few weeks now. Usually it’s the left ear that does this. Sometimes that also feels icky and oozy. It’s a doozy…this getting old stuff.

I probably need to see an ENT specialist but the doctors just discount me and send me home without a thorough examination. Hard to find actual doctors now. Who care.

I am grateful that although the ear keeps seeping fluid, it is not painful. I had this mad idea float through my head this morning that perhaps I need to do Rollypollys across the garden to dislodge whatever is causing this seepage problem in my ears. Miss Five and her inner child ideas…but she might be on to something! Lol.

17 April 2021

Today I went to Aldi to buy a few groceries. Cat litter and some vegetables.

In front of the queue was a woman in her late 50s whose eftpos card kept getting declined. The woman in front of me offered to pay for the woman’s groceries. She declined and looked a tad horrified and humiliated, which I know was not the intention of the kind woman in front of me!

I leaned over to her and asked quietly “did you just offer to pay her groceries?” She said “yes”. I said it was a pity the lady was unable to receive (accept her gift) but she had made my entire day as I have been in that position many many times and I am always so grateful and happy when my benefactors bless me. I thanked her for at least her kind thoughts.

The first woman ran out of the shop and the checkout woman was convinced that she would come back so the lady in front of me paid for her groceries anyway. I do hope she came back to discover they had been paid and that the lady’s generousity in a time of need had not been forfeited!

Still we both agreed these are dark and often ugly times and it’s important to pay our gifts forward!

My new lady lawnmower person came this morning and said she was so grateful I was happy with her labour as it was her first job!

I said that my lawn is not easy to mow and $50 may not be enough as it took her nearly two hours!

I felt bad as she was confident it was an easy mow but this lawn is a killer.

I wish I could afford to pay more (I was paying last guy $80 but it was a struggle for me financially) but I think I will offer to pay her that much. It’s only fair!

Update: I just messaged her and she says she is happy with what I paid her. A very kind generous soul!

I told her we women need to form a cooperative of some kind. Where we women can support each other with our talents/gifts/work!

I will think on it, what can be done. I must learn how to make silver jewellery and try to monetise that. Eventually start a little artisan shop. Titania’s realm: gifts from the Fae, through us and for us, transmuted by our physical mortal hands.

It’s all we have got! Our muses and our infusions of inspirations and lots of hard work and visioning to manifest it in 3D world.

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Spirit or “Higher mind” is whispering to me to start the triptych tapestry weavings. I have not made a design yet? I have no time to weave as I am trying to learn silversmithing.

So what mischief or insanity is this?

I have to still finish off the decoupage cases and painting the little bookshelf...so now they pressure me about the weavings?

Well....it’s interesting how much I am trying to accomplish in so little time. Spirit can just bloody well wait! I have human timeframes and physical maladies and incongruent realities to push myself through like a centrepede with only so many arms and legs left!

If the gods want me to overachieve then they need to give me enough abundance and health to manifest my visions.

So there. Insert Tanya tantrum here!

I am grateful they helped me move old energy (the candelabra and a copper kettle) so I could afford more silversmithing tools. It means I am riding the slipstream of my creative resurgent flow a little better.

17 April 2020

Jolene already took him, as did Catherine (the Greek), Tula the fools (also Greek) Sarah (also Greek), um lemme think...some huge nasty staring Pacific Islander woman...(he likes very big women!) Another he used to kiss in front of me.

Ahhh forget about it...he was never truly my man. Not my possession and never showed any propensity of loyalty towards me. Which is why I nicknamed him “the roiling epiglottis”. Like my father David. Another rolling mossy stone that gathers no crust. (Except my father was always faithful to my mother: even though he was always raging violently!)

(Why do I even love that Shit?!). Rhetorical question. Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn... but I doooo I dooo schmalzy Tanya poopykin heartache epic of the sixth kind. (6 years and counting of this weird “dance” of intimacy.

(Insert Trickster laughter here!)

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So this happened! They don’t make Snifters mints (which were my favourite) but they make these instead (in the style of NZ pineapple lumps). They are okay. Not the same as Snifters. Which I am still disgusted that the confectionary company stopped producing. I was so disgusted I even complained on their website about it back in the day.

Miss Five (my pristine but livid inner child, wildfire of the warrior goddess was not impressed when this happened.) But life went on and there are a myriad other kinds of lollies and chocolates to soothe my savage craving of my little one - and obviously some of my Ancestral spirits that demand their favourite treats too.

I have had a craving for a Wee Willem cigar which means one of my grandfathers is around.

Last week my libido unexpectedly kicked into gear but I had to Swat that fire down too. In isolation and not giving out my innate passions for any more quasi-demonic Swine. 😉.

Hohum. But it was irksome enough for me to reach out and make a damn fool of myself again as I am only Human after all. Love is: after all is said and done, fucked and foibled, discarded and rejected but held like a Hermit lamp of desire and hope ...just Love. So I am loving my true friends, family, pets and garden. Oh oh ohhh and my Self. Xxxx

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Together we heal! As friends, as lovers, as compadres, as SPIRITS. Under one sky we defy the Dream which slips into our pockets so seamlessly unawares.

We pull out lint and gravel and bone: okay dammit…some of us pull out boners. But we are never truly alone. On the manifestations of the Cosmos. The Dream and the Dance.

The Dancing Tanya has Spoken!

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Life is a Dance. We are forever spiralling up and down, through mood states and in some rare cases Mood Disorders. Dancing with the duality. Life and death, Rich and Poor, Giving and Receiving. Healing and Disease or Dis-ease and disarray. Light and Dark, each containing the remedy of the opposing Forces.

Without our stolid grip on the earth with Gravity we would not ever have studied the skies (the Supernal heavens!) and watched the birds and longed to fly. In flying too long at sea even the wisest oldest Albatross longs to place his feet on solid ground in a safe harbour somewhere. To be nurtured and cherished.

As we age (speaking for myself here), we are forever meeting the same challenges in ever-concentric circles in the cycles of our life. The bottlenecked squeeze at the point of emergence where we again fly out into the opposing spiral of the symbol of infinity. (My dead biological grandfather’s favourite symbol) the upside down 8 (not actually upside down but lying down at 180 degrees).

Not actually an equally-sized eight as I learned on a show on Gaia but a fat bottomed 8 on the edges. This made me smile...but only because it perfectly demonstrates the asymmetry of the universe and I am a big-bottomed buxom Jewish Viking Warrior Goddess... so somehow that suits me well.

Dancing was extremely valued by my mystical Witch Grandfather Antoni Patula. Also by my equally mystical great grandfather Thomas Phillips who was famous for dancing the Irish jig and who actually performed in pantomimes.

He had flaming red hair and sang beautifully. I am a bit confused about him speaking in an Irish brogue though, as he was born in NZ. I assume he had learnt his accent from his parents.

I myself took to dancing wildly and “ecstatically” only in the past 8 years.

I had finally lost the fear of other people’s cruel judgement and gave myself to the Dance in a way that many found confronting.

One woman was so spiteful and envious of my newfound hardwon Freedom that she harassed and bullied me to the point of suicide (although 2015 was my most horribilus of all my annuses - so she was only one disgustingly cruel pernicious seeping wound!)

So today I declare to the multiverses and my Self. No more running around bleeding on unstaunched unresolved stigmata from the past. I acknowledge the love I poured into cold reptilian evil schmucks. The love that I felt had been desecrated and wasted and debased.

My love was/is/real but I am not responsible for the treacherous people who lacked enough cognition and grace to receive it. They have their Walk, and I have mine. So I send them the power of their own unique spirit to remember who they truly are and to let them go with a smile and a curtsey and perhaps in my own time and space...a courtesy.

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I was about to pull him off the grapes and throw him on the road for the birds when suddenly the Angel of Mercy said to me “you know, he is only one fat caterpillar and the grapes have not produced fruit yet again and are dropping their leaves in preparation for winter! So let him eat and thrive and Become! The most beautiful butterfly!

Okay Goddess...okay.

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So I took Bobo and Charlie for a walk. I had had a beautiful healing on forgiveness with my friend and mentor Michel.

But it was time to take my boys for a walk around the block. It is extremely hot today. 31 degrees and humid.

We get to the house where the children live. Charlie’s children and Bobo’s children. The family who rescued Charlie!

Bobo stops at their gate and stares. Hoping they would come out to play with him. The disappointment showing on his face. Awww, my heart broke for him.

So with some cajoling we carried on with our walk. Little Koko was not available either. So we are now walking the longer route as a treat for Mr Beauregard who has had two disappointments. He does not understand why the children are not always able to play with him.

There will be a Schmacko when we get home.

17 April 2017

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2.14 am. Home from another fantastic night. Thanks to Corena, Bridgy and Tee for making it great. We had an awesome time!

17 April 2016

Haha! Some sirens went roaring past so Beauregard howled! Like a real dog-wolf. Unlike my New World Leader Bella Rosa who never howled in her entire life as it was beneath her!

It was such a funny sound! My boy! All dog!

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4.01 am. In bed with my dog and Penny. My feet are extremely sore. It is good to be home. I had fun but I am exhausted and my cough is back!

Lucy visited last night and Crystal Skyped me. So we had a nice evening. Then I went dancing. Ayyayay. My doctor reckons 2 nights of epic dancing is good cardiovascular exercise. I reckon it is too much for me. My lungs are still struggling.

Maybe next week I will just go out one night. I need more time to heal, I guess.

17 April 2014

So I am waiting in the chemist for my scripts when Miss 3 waiting with her mother, says to me "oh you have your Woah oh ohs!" I said, "I beg your pardon, Sweetheart". She points to my high platform boots. Her mother starts laughing. She says, "oh she means the 'I'm a single lady' song which goes Woah oh oh!"

I laughed so much. It made my night! I said to the mother, "I hope I don't look like a drag queen!" She said "I think she thinks you look like Beyonce. I would take that as a compliment!"

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Socks has been missing 2 days but walked in just now like he's the new King of Holland Park! At least he didn't pull Zulu's trick and move in with an old man up the road. Happy he is back. He knows where he gets fed and watered and his Sophie is here!

17 April 2011

I'm watching Whale Rider and loving the Mana and the spirituality of my beloved Maori people. It is making me very homesick indeed!

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I got out of my doldrums by planting out the few remaining dianthus seedlings I got for my birthday, and potting some of the last remaining eau de cologne mint from the garden as it had almost died completely off, so I'm nurturing what is left.

Chocolate mint, pennyroyal and the newly planted spearmint are doing well. For some weird reason I have a lot of trouble getting eau de cologne mint to thrive or to naturalise. I'll never understand why!

My heliconias are in full bloom and looking lovely. The ginger officionalis has died off, but I'm told it will spring back and the new ginger I bought a few months ago, has what looks like a flower bud on it. Woohooo! I can't wait until all that area is abundant and in full bloom.

The Black Bat plant has new leaves but still looks sort of 'uncomfortable' to me. I'm hoping it is establishing itself and will grow beautifully by next year.

My black bamboo has lots of new spikes and is glorious, after so many years struggling in a pot and it took 12 months to establish once I planted it out but I'm so glad I did. It's finally grown to its full height and full potential!

I tasted the stevia flowers today. Boy are they super sweet! It was actually too sweet for me, which is incredible with my sweet tooth. I guess I'm too used to the cane sugar kind of sweetness or the chocolatey kind lol.

Harpur G Maz:

i have the plant and have only tasted the leaves. must read up on how to use it. bought a daphne plant today

Me: we can't grow daphne in Qld, as it's too hot here but I hear it has a beautiful perfume!

@Shimon, I grew some lovely hyacinths in the ground last spring but a few didn't flower up properly. Thinking about giving it another go this year as I have a working worm farm so I can fertilise more often with 'worm tea'. I love them too. I love most spring flowers.

One of my jonquils has already sprouted and it's not even officially winter yet! I am really amazed! I have my tulip bulbs from last year in the bar fridge already, getting them to think they are in Holland in the freezing cold instead of our mild Qld winters. LOL

They aren't as big as they were when I bought them so not sure if they will give much of a flower so will probably buy some more just in case.

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I wish all my Jewish friends and family a very Happy Pesach tomorrow night. May Hashem smile upon us all and may we all celebrate Next Year in Jerusalem!

I'm looking forward to the First Night of Pesach with Mavis, Mervyn, Gail, me and their other friends. Woohooo! It's been a long time since I went to a family Seder!

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Another blah day, but just came in from watering garden even though rain is threatening the ground is sooo dry. I really do have to find the money to get some more mulch, and plenty of it. Money, and mulch I mean LOL.

I was pleased to see several more passionfruits on my vine today. If the bats and possums don't get them I might get to taste one or two!

17 April 2010

Just got home from Toowoomba with Crystal's Batchelors Degree in Theatre Studies firmly clutched in our hands. So proud. She looked so beautiful and when she received her Degree, I yelled out "Mazel Tov".

A provincial woman behind me was overheard to utter "What?" Not too many cosmopolitan yiddish speakers in the audience LOL.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons