Memories: 16 September 2025

16 September 2025

7:50 am. Awake to another beautiful morning. Feeling blessed and grateful for Life. I had a bit of a rough night. A few rough nights now. But here I am, ready to begin a new day, a new life. Free in another paradigm.

Alone but content. Untrammelled by false friendships/love interests that turned treacherous and degrading. Yes…that one has been on my mind…all yesterday. Which I find interesting. Still has a hold on my spirit that is cloying and demanding. I wonder why? It’s not like he ever followed through, but instead sought to befoul me instead.

Oh well, not my first rodeo. I will get through this. Live my life so triumphantly and joyously that no lacklustre pissweak motherfucker will ever bring me down again.

I watched “Polarity Josh” last night. An episode about a black goo that has come alive and is growing exponentially. It killed a plant that was placed next to it. Allegedly it arrived on a meteorite. It sounds very Lovecraftian to me but after the last 5 years with the entire planet compliantly rendering themselves into actual Zombieism at worst or partial nanobots at best….which state of being is worse? Same same, really.

3I-Atlas hurtling through space and the state of our planet rendered useless and docile and herded like sheep to follow any “leader” on mainstream media and even social media as they lack soul and much needed critical thinking. Then there is not much hope for any kind of happy future or for a real love entering my life unless he is an alien or fae. lol.

Fortunately I am too old and battleworn to really care that much. But it’s a gorgeous day so I will co-create with the gods what I can manage. Perhaps something lovely might manifest out of my psychedelic dreaming. It happens if you wish long and hard for it and work towards that goal. Loveliness, good kind people. Wild birds bringing song and cheer. My own birds living joyously with their little antics.

Attitude and heart (corazon) is everything. A good dose of courage, and good humour. Life. It’s a flimsy whimsy now. But I have sanctified and grounded it. Created solid safe sacred space where I am comfortable and protected.

Blessèd be!

16 September 2023

A tête-à-tête, a map of Australia minus cape York? Two people gifting each other a hongi. Or an argument?

It’s day one of the Jewish New year. The face on the left kinda looks like my ex husband, when he was young and still had hair lol. Ugh! Go away, Vermin!

Haha looking at the image again, the face on the right almost looks like my dead evil mother Gisela. Well that says everything. He always colluded with her against me. How funny!

16 September 2022

1.01 pm and just now 1.11 am. Those magical metaphysical angels are up to something. Or at least ensuring they have my full attention! I interrupted my transcribing to vocal media to post this so “they” know…I am aware and of service and riding their kaleidoscopic rainbow wave to Nowhere and Everywhere.

Blessed as usual, by the gods while sipping tea in my sacred space garden and listening to the twittering of my beautiful Charley girl as she climbs up and down the frangipane tree. (Having already pooped on my nice clean blouse!)

“What’s up?” She just called out. Why, my darling, everything is up and we are flowing into paradise on golden wings that support us in our physical mortality and in our spirit dancing and dreaming also.

We need not fear the enmity or hatred or envy of other mortals (disguising their altruism in fetid falsely sanitised whitecoated ways!) because we have survived much, and even thrived at times but always always we are held precious by the gods: the G-d within and the externalised manifestations without.

Expect only Good and work towards the highest good and be surprised and delighted by the reflected glory and radiance, that good will shine back to us.

For we have lived in the shadowlands and destruction and the torture and the death cults long enough to know…everything has its season and that time must cede to the equilibrium and the rectifications and righteous honorific wonders that surround us if we only take off the blindfolds clasped to our faces by callow cowards and truly See!

I am whistling up a new paradigm for all life forms. Of integrity, honour and safety and a deep love and connection to our Earth. The birthplace of our human bodies and the place where we will leave our corporeal forms… to fly into eternity.

But we are seeded here. We are of the Earth, we were never meant to colonise mars or other planets: to betray our only home and the most sacred of space.

This is our soul signature. Our power, mana, mojo.

Protect our earth and each other. Those who still value Life.

The old gods are arising and calling upon us to remember who we are before it’s too late. To stay human…no matter what, even if it means, as is the natural order of things that we must decline and decay and…recycle our souls yet again.

Living with joy in our hearts to the songs of the birds, and the music of the spheres and knowing we can trust our own souls to guide us on the right path: to freedom, to sanity, to healing.

Love is the law. Love your self enough to say No to ignoble monstrosities and arise and shine in your own godgiven divinity and Love. Love for its own sake. All the broken parts that make up You. Kintsugied spiritual gold and glittery fascination and hold each other precious. Your Beloveds. For they are you in reflection and refraction.

…

Day 6 of Mullein tea to clear my lungs. I had a rough night last night. Up all night peeing like a race horse. I had to take ventolin as my lungs felt tight. But …On I go…this too shall pass.

I had a phone call last evening (about 5 pm) from my former gp haranguing me about rejecting any further colonoscopies. I told her I would rather die of bowel cancer that endure any more systemic abuse from her or Metro South (specifically QE2 hospital which is so awful!) I told her to cease calling me. She is no longer my doctor. I hung up.

So now I am truly going it alone in our current medical apocalypse. At great personal risk as I do have a proclivity to grow polyps which I am well aware are pre-cancer.

But you know what causes cancer to start blooming… stress! And Abusers!!!

I will heal my own self as I am doing with my lungs because of her negligence and incompetence.

I will tell my body (which keeps the score) that there will be no invasions of my inner spaces, poking around in my lower intestines, causing me to feel dreadfully sick each time, for months after. It’s been 15 months since the last colonoscopy and I have still not recovered.

So no…I refuse to allow them near my body Ever ever again.

It is a choice I am making to keep myself Safe.

My body has been invaded, medically tortured Enough!

The more I stand in my own authority and protect my own body/mind/spirit the more I heal.

She tried fearmongering me so they can keep their quotas and use my body as a practise ground. No. I am Not your Dr Mengele experiment.

It is enough what they did to me with the TVT tape in October 2007. Leaving me with permanent auto immune problems: fatigue, weakness, illness. Now chronic bladder problems again.

So no… Just No. I don’t hate my own body enough to put it into any surgical hands ever again. It is too dangerous.

Especially as ever since the last debacle I have served nobly and bravely as a kind of whistleblower on Facebook. We all know what happens to whistleblowers.

A doctor who could not even give me a repeat for penicillin for my lungs..is no doctor at all. In fact is tantamount to a murderer given my long history (53 years long) of lung problems. She is a monstrosity and incompetent.

I am Done!

16 September 2020

16 September 2019

…

I woke up happy and feeling infused/suffused with a great and powerful love. I went through my memories just now and posted the more interesting ones. I am just incredibly amazed at how far I have come in the past 9 years but even more magically, since that suicide attempt 4 years ago. I am so honoured and grateful to be alive.

I am so blissed out with all the love I am receiving daily from my beautiful friends and remnant family and “tribe” and from the gods/spirits/elementals also. I am feeling Wholly Holy and Alive in the Dreaming. I am free to be me in all worlds.

Love. Love. Love 😉

Blessed Be the Holy One who heals me and raises me up to my own unique Becoming. Amen.

…

And this is how it’s done! My true friends never yelled at me about my highways of dirty dishes making their way out of the kitchen floor and down the hall. Or my unkempt hair. Or the fat I piled on from frenzied comfort eating. (1 cake a day habit for several weeks!)

They never wavered with my constant death idealisation or when I literally chased death like a two bit ambulance chaser without the grubby amassed conartistry fortune. They loved me through more horror than the average person in western society goes through.

They loved me when I tore my hair and shredded new arseholes too. They loved me when brutalised and wild eyed I slapped on my makeup and tightened my corset and went right back out into the fray to dance and play again. (All I could do after the utter devastation of my entire life!)

My beautiful friends are still loving me even as I slowly heal myself and reclaim my power and my mustang kwe energy and ride my way through sunrise to sunset each and every day and night. They will love me when my death eventually catches up with me and decides to keep me.

Perhaps some will love me again in the next incarnation and the next until the gods are finally satisfied with my accumulated spiritual wisdom and power. Or perhaps my dust and ashes will fertilise new ground and new minds and embolden new hearts long after the memory of me has faded.

Depression is a motherfucking bitch though. But I think we are on reasonably friendly terms now. She doesn’t stay as long or as dangerously as she used to. Just enough to remind me to be joyous and love myself, my life and my eminently true loves just enough.

…

…

16 September 2018

5:01 am don’t ask and I won’t tell you.

Ok ok. I went dancing again. My beautiful Tichsia and Moana brought me to the casino and back home safely. Thanks ladies x.

I really was going home at 2 am but Joe called out to me and so I put my bag down and he and I went Berserk, dancing wildly until 4 am. Shani danced with me also, in the last few hours of the night.

So I had both Joe and Shani tucked under each arm, dancing wildly and joyously. (There was a bit of initial confusion as Joe thought Shani was commandeering me as she was being protective but once they both understood that I was happy to dance with both of them together, we went off!). Omg. I was so exhausted yesterday that I did not think I could do a second night and now look at me.

I pushed through the pain barrier (but wore flat sandals this time) and several winds of reprising my energy reserves after utter exhaustion.

Joe at one point asked me if I was ok? I said “Not really, I died 2 hours ago, now you are just dancing with my ghost!” But we laughed and kept dancing.

Karen spoilt me with drinks, I got to see Jo and Sally and we all had a fantastic time. I even sat at the tables at the end of the night and had actual conversations with men that sat with me. Highly unusual!

Shani came back to sit with me and introduced me to several people as her “Ma!” I said we look after each other at the casino and go completely wild then I go home to my dog, cats and birds.

I love my rare and precious casino tribe. Another wonderful night! Free and ebullient and nurtured.

Thank you G-d for showing me such beautiful Light and joy in dark times.

I will not be able to walk or move much today. But all very good! Healing my body/mind/spirit is a work in progress but I am Witnessing my own magic happening!

I danced so much that I went into a trance-like state, my body was writhing, my mind was expansive but hyper-vigilant. There were moments when my soul left me and I have no idea where she went.

Still calling her home... but yes it was quite wonderful. Joe and I do some powerful self-healing when we dance like that.

I slept from 9 pm until 6:30 am this morning. Then another snooze for an hour.

Got a wheeze in my chest but that is normal for me. I feel ok otherwise.

Each day is a gift and we just have unwrap it very very carefully. Like the re-enervated zombie mummies we are! Lmao!

I was only awake from 2 pm til 9 pm yesterday. Wrote myself off. Lol!

…

I have a massive craving for chocolate. Probably post-dancing exhaustion. No chocolate in da house and have to wait until Crystal brings back my car tomorrow. Wahhhh! But think of all the calories I will avoid. Lol!

Lying on my couch with a very smooch co-dependant dog who missed me Friday and Saturday night. He keeps looking up at me and giving me hugs and smooches, which is when he covers my mouth with his cheek and tries to smother me....argggh. I had to push him off me as I literally could not breathe. Passionate guy!

16 September 2017

I had a two hour nap and even though I feel groggy, bit dizzy, and shite I decided to take Beauregard and Charlie for a walk. It is so beautiful out here in the forest. I am glad I pulled myself together.

…

I went out last night. I was touched by how loving, generous and protective my casino friends are. Every time a strange man came to dance with me my casino pals appeared beside them, checking to see if I was ok. I told them I was. Antonio kept giving me drinks until I had to tell him no more as I had to drive. It was really lovely of him.

There was a weird vibe in the joint last night but I could also have been a bit mood disordered as I had not managed to have a nap in the afternoon and my mind had been threshing about like a commercial fishing net full of mackerel since 8 am. Exhausting.

So I was glad to be out in the world and be moving my body to help quell the impending sense of isolation and loneliness. (Purging old paperwork and reading through decades of abusive court cases, letters, emails has sent me to the brink but it was good to be able to let go of some of it and keep some of it for another purge another time but I seem unable to get rid of proof of why my life has been so utterly decimated just yet.)

Crystal messaged me and I was a tad upset as she gave me a conflicting story about her plans to return in December. Something about trying to get a return airfare. I give up. I just want her home but she is really ambivalent, so in all honesty I am in for a bumpy ride.

I wish I had had a stable family and a supportive partner but I don't. I am quite alone.

So just for today...I sit in my garden, accompanied by my non-human children/friends and let the sunshine sear away the old grief and brighten my visage.

16 September 2016

A wiser man would never dare piss me off. The Tanya serves no man but G-D and SHEIT put me on Earth for no good reason other than to Rise and Shine above the bullshit and reflect His/Her Radiance in all the worlds.

She lives by love and suffers accordingly but she is no man's slave.

The figurative smiting is still in place. The Holy One has heard my prayers of old and honours me, even in my accursed existence and history of loving abusers and fools.

She who survives to thrive will jive to the blessed beat of her own inner drum or die trying.

Thanks for the healing.

Thank You to Adonai, my One and Only Lord. I am Your creation and your gift to the lonely and lost. You cleanse me of the sin and filth and the obsolescence of the walking dead. You forgive me and those who wilfully contaminated me. Even as I refuse to forgive, for humans are fickle, fraught and feckless.

Shabbat Shalom! Let there be Peace and Serenity in all the worlds. This world, and the world to come. My world. I beg mercy and justice, my Lord. Serenity, Happiness and most of all Love.

My time has come. My time is Now. It is all Illusion. My naked shattered spirit serves only to reflect a thousand facets of a life well-lived and a life re-built.

What was Done to me cannot be Undone. But I can fly in the face of my own sorrow, victimhood and rare and precious glory. For what is life but an ever-swirling Fibonacci spiral? My fall has become my Rise and soon I will Fall again into Oblivion.

Soon, being relative to the Mind of G-D who rather ironically would not let me die. Not enough fun or love I suppose. I have some living yet to do. Whether I like it or not.

Blessed be the Holy One who sends me into the Night, with sparkles and chutzpah and such little support. But this has been my work the past 5 years. To boldly go where Angels Fear to Tread. To unfurl my broken wings and bear my broken heart and mind as an offering to the Alter of grandiose Delights.

The Desired One. The Chosen. The hated and abhorred. Oh what fun!

…

The world is small. 6 degrees of separation. I am made to confront my past. It is so painful. The karma train keeps derailing. Mind blown. Life goes on. Healing happens. So does Magic. Love is the only Law of the universe.

Anyone who hurt me has never truly thrived. If they have (as the Scherers have done) there will still be consequences. I pray I live to see them in my own day. If not, evil will be brought down by a greater good. The goodness of decent kind people and the good that is G-D.

…

I really need a hug right now. Rattled and rolled. Closure. Coming in strange extraordinary ways. Scary stuff. But setting me free so I am no longer hampered or shackled by demonic entities of my former life.

(From the comment section):

Thanks Zhanna. One of the backhanded gifts of being an older person is standing by to witness unimagined recycling of old traumas being brought to you by the universe for contemplation /healing/closure.

Lessons will be repeated until they are learned. But this time I don't own that lesson. It is brought to me like cat with a dead mouse. I shall just observe.

Some damage was too immense, spanning decades for me to revisit. I choose not to. It cost me prosperity, safety, happiness, my reputation, success and even love. For who can love a warrior with a neverending source of pain and rage, that even she had to stamp down inside her so she would not be consumed by her own fiery passions.

So I lived as a zombie. For 20 fucking long years. And so I allowed my enemies to rob me of my full light and potential. I was too damn sick at heart mind and body to care anymore. About anything or anyone.

Then I woke up. The awakening Brings forth Love Light and truth. Self-awareness, global awareness and ascension into cosmic consciousness.

A gnarly old tree of life that is struck by lightning on the hardened scarred dead wooden parts of my psyche. The odds? A million to one but that old wood is ripped raw and exposed. To the very core.

The sap pouring out onto the ground like a libation to the gods of justice, truth and the way of the peaceful warrior. Let shit go. Stand up and be counted. Choose Life. Laugh in the face of misery. Breathe.

Face the hag. (Saggage in the baggage.)

Karma. A miracle. A mystery. A great turning on the Gilgulim.

Why me Oh G-D? Why always me? Because you are a very good witch ;-)

16 September 2015

8.26 am I just woke up to discover my lawn mowing man sent me a text to tell me he has quit lawn mowing. He has mowed my lawns for 4 years. I am upset as he only charged me $40. Now I will struggle to get lawns under control. Buggar, Buggar, Buggar!

I texted him a week ago and he only replied now. So rude to not tell me previously.

…

2.22 pm. Just woke up. Feeling depressed and distressed about lawnmower man quitting and not telling me until weeks later. So pissed off. Thought we had a good rapport.

Now I will have to find another one and they will charge a lot more. So FML.

…

Big storm coming! Lots of Hullabaloo in the sky. Big noise! So far no rain. I resent these pregnant clouds who refuse to release on our arid land.

Hopefully this one delivers a good amount of water. My garden needs it. I need it. I have been feeling out of sorts all day. So rain is much appreciated, Thank you G-d (Thor and Odin)!

…

Update 16 September 2023: And here we are. Astounding!!!

…

16 September 2014

Miss Penny is worried about me. She is overly affectionate and keeps licking my hands. She must be upset by next door's fire.

Sweet Girl!

…

I have just been woken by fire engines. I looked blearily out my window to find them stopped outside my front door! I grabbed a dressing gown and ran to back door to unlock it. In my kitchen window I saw Timsa, my neighbour's, back deck and rear of house in blazing flames. Then 2 explosions. Fuck!

I struggled to unlock, in shock and ran out front to see if the children were safe. Timsa said they were all at school. The firemen did a great job.

I am a little in shock that I almost slept through the entire thing and didn't smell the smoke and the fire could easily have spread to my place. I am lucky I wasn't affected. Timsa owns his home so hopefully they are insured but what a shock!

They were very lucky. Our houses are built out of asbestos so only her deck burnt down and didn't jump the eaves into the kitchen at rear of house. I just went over there to offer them the use of my kitchen but theirs is fine. They have to move into a hotel for 3 days while assessors check out the asbestos.

It was an ambulance driver on Cavendish Rd that saw the smoke and raised the alarm. Very lucky that it didn't spread to the rest of their house or to mine. There was hardly any smoke! My smoke alarm in my kitchen didn't even go off.

The ambo freaked about their big gas bottle potentially exploding but luckily it was over other side of house instead of where it usually is out on the deck.

The smoke must have only become noticeable towards the end as even now there is hardly any smell. It started in their Otto bin. Melted completely.

I almost slept through the entire thing!

…

I came home from Crystal's place and watched tv then got stuck into my suitcase again. It is slowly taking shape lol. Soothing to the nerves, keeping my hands busy and trying to not think of David, and all the other Davids who shaped my life by deceit, betrayals and heartbreak.

I decided while gluing on pictures having a quiet epiphany that perhaps this last David was the final torment, the final disappointment, the final lesson and would usher in a new paradigm of me (hopefully!) no longer loving men who have no real feelings for me and just play me like a cat and a mouse and who don't realise that this is an old pattern in my life and I am well aware of the game and the salient fact that if they play me, no one wins. Not them, not me.

The love just slowly dies like a dead rat and the grief eventually wears itself out but that amazing intense joy and beauty, dies with it. They can't kill me. G-d knows they tried, and love will bud again. I will keep my heart precious and preserve it for my animals. They don't fake who they are or how they love.

I will spend more time in the garden and get back into Harmony and I will enjoy this spring and summer in my 49th cycle. Powerful endings will only usher in new beginnings.

I wish I had enough money right now to buy that macaw and the pomeranian puppy. I might as well fill my life up with pets since they appreciate me. The life-force is strong in me and the desire to be loved almost all-consuming. At least I got a cuddle with Sookie La-la tonight.

I hope my beautiful daughter is better tomorrow. She had ghost pains where her gall bladder used to be. I stayed until midnight in case she needed to be rushed to hospital. I hope it is not going to be anything serious. She is the only family I have left and my most beloved one.

Time to sleep now at 3.38 am in case she needs me tomorrow.

16 September 2013

I danced all night...came home at 4 am....slept til almost 4 pm. Then had a nice surprise, Crystal returning my car, took Jarrod and I to Jackpot Noodles in West End. Yummy, then we went back to her place, played with Ramon Rabbit, and played Ukelele and Harmonica while I sang along merrily but tunelessly.

Ramon wanted to pull his ears off, and Jarrod and Crystal were equally 'accommodating'. Eventually I sang Bob Dylan's song Blowing in the Wind, since everything I try to sing sounds Dylanesque anyway.

I really enjoyed Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, sung by KD Lang. She is awesome and I wish I could sing, even slightly as good as her. Hahaha. I got home around 2 am. Still up watching old movies on television. I fell asleep at Crystal's for a while, (when I wasn't killing cats and rabbits with my voice) so not the least bit tired.

I had a really good dance session at the pub on Sat night. Berst Frontman, Woody Woodman thanked me for supporting him even though I had had a very bad experience at Irish Murphy's in June. I was really pleased that he appreciated me cavorting in front of the band, and helping keep the energy high.

16 September 2011

I had an amazingly long schluff today, now up and ready to party. Shabbat Shalom y'all, and I hope to see you in shul tomorrow morning for some celebration and some davening for my favourite people who have striven so hard to see this day come to fruition. A Shehecheyanu for you all! MAZEL TOV!

16 September 2010

I collapsed into oblivion from 2 am until 1 pm today. I got up, then went to the shops with Jarrod. Then came home. Now brewing a nasty headache.

This is what happens when I overdo it trying to actually work around the house. One 'good' day, 3 days sick as a dog LOL. The joys of being The Dormouse in the Teapot at the Mad Hatters Teaparty. Tea, anyone? MMMM now that's got me started...major sweet craving.

16 September 2008

is delighted that Crystal is coming down from Toowoomba tonight...yayyyyyyyy

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons