Memories: 15 June 2025

15 June 2025

7:00 am a good result. Even though I had insomnia from stressing myself out over the constant failure with my cuff. Having to offload Facebook which is my lifeline and now it won’t go back on due to iPhone storage issues…but I still have Instagram. For now. It’s all driving me insane.

At least my breathing was better in my sleep. Sleep is for the righteous! Righteously furious with ourselves for not achieving things after a lifetime of torment. How was I kidding myself anyway?….yet I persevere. As though there is another kind of life for me…a loving healthy successful one…I can almost breathe it ….whatever!

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10:54 am I am still working on my cuff. I smashed the shit out of it with the glorious back end of my chasing hammer which worked to great effect. I also drilled a hole for a second rivet cos this little bitch is gonna succeed if it kills me (it almost has…can you tell?)

I also filed and sanded back the end in preparation for soldering Pegasus back on arggghhh!) but I know one thing about myself now…I am singleminded, hyperfocused and intrepid with a mind like a steel trap… if called upon. No more playing small in my life. It’s just a bracelet but it’s become a symbol of my resilience and guts! Yeahhh…Babies!

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It’s riveted down and strong this time…I want to add some solder to the back to ensure a strong joint. Then solder the Pegasus back on….then Psy sighs….at long last…set the stone! Wish me luck! I might just complete this beautiful but frustrating project soon. :-)

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I have a leak on my property. Now waiting for an emergency drainer or lumber to come to assess it and fix it! Argghhh!

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Sei Gesund…Tanyale! You have succeeded at last…now you can rest easy …until the next project…

#titaniasrealm #antiqueAlvinbridalbouquetcuff #sterlingsilverand9ctgoldbutterflies #persianturquoise #giftedfromthegods #andaverydeterminedTanya #magickhappens #resilience #creativity #hardworkpaidoff #braggingrights #brisbaneartist

15 June 2023

Another beautiful morning. I woke up from snippets of conversations in my dream state. My mother saying things along the lines that she was sorry. Or compromised. Regrets. She has a few. Hypocrite. Not good enough, Mum.

Then Peter, my neighbour friend down the street, was bumping his hip and thigh against me. (He has never done this in real life!) So I turned my head to tell him that I am not ever going to have sex with him.

His eyes sparkled with mischief and amusement, then I woke up. It’s an odd dream as he has finally moved in with his partner after their split. I am happy for them both!

My cleaning lady Ratih arrived so I told her about the dream and how weird it was. Then I told her about my mother in law who saw my dead father in law’s spirit after he died. How he used to appear at the side of her bed, as a 20 year old man, freshly shaved, hair slicked, wearing a suit… demanding sex.

How I asked her if she complied and she grinned with her shiny white teeth and huge dimples that sported pink cheeks like that of a young maiden’s after his death. In her Polish Yiddish accent she would reply “Noooo Tanya…I tell him ‘Go avayyyyy!’” and we would chortle and giggle like school girls.

“Dementia” said Ratih. Looking concerned.

“No” I reply, “the old man really was haunting her. She wouldn’t let me breastfeed his granddaughter in his big solid old Lazee-boy chair that rocked as she feared he would be a Dybbuk and possess the baby!”

One day I was making her a cup of tea in their kitchenette, and I saw with my own eyes that big old chair rocking! I went into my mother in law, pale and a bit shaken. She said “You saw it too. You thought I was crazy!” I said “No not crazy, just missing your husband, but yes he is most definitely here!”

“What’s a Dybbuk?” asked Ratih, a good pious Muslim woman.

I had to think for a brief moment. “Kinda like a djinn but a human spirit that wants to be alive again, in the flesh!”

Ratih did a little shiver of horror. So I told her a funny story about Orthodox Jewish men of that vintage. How when they had a crush on me they would get all excited when told I was coming to visit with their adult daughter and would get up out of their chair, shower, shave, slather on aftershave and put in a nice suit!

They teased him mercilessly about it. I thought it was kind of cute that he wanted so much to impress me. So that generation of old Jewish men still cared enough to smarten themselves up for the women of their desires.

Lmao. I said to Ratih that I must have had charisma as a younger woman, a femme fatale, but really I was just coming to visit for a nice cup of tea! We giggled.

I was such a strict and devout respectable married Jewish woman in those days. Now I would kill for a man who cared enough to celebrate me by getting shaved, dressed and suited up lmao!

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Today I received lovely news that one of fb friends has just become a grandmother! A baby boy! Mazel Tov! New life is always such a blessing and a joy!

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https://youtu.be/x73dFneQ_uY

15 June 2022

I spent the day with Lyn and her daughter Danni (briefly) and her granddaughter Aali. Even though I felt weak, dizzy and rather unwell, I had a lovely time with my beautiful friends. Beauregard had a sweet time as well.

Now home in bed, with my electric blanket on two, feeling grateful and cosseted and happy with the love of good friends.

I noticed during the day seeing lots of 11s too. I arrived at 11.11 am, saw 1:11 pm and got home at 10:11 pm. A potent spiritual beautiful day.

Tomorrow I have to try to get a call through to the public dentist to arrange an urgent appointment as this illness is now systemic and feels like it’s killing me. I couldn’t raise them on the phone this arvo so tomorrow will be another battle of wills.

In the meantime…I have sleep to reacquaint myself with.

Laila Tov!

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I just debriefed with my psychiatrist who insists I make an urgent appointment to get the dead decaying tooth treated as he says the dull metallic taste in my mouth, and the systemic weakness will be caused by an infection in that tooth.

Now trying to get hold of the Metro North Oral health hub which I requested a call back as there were 16 other wretched souls in the queue. FFS.

I am dreading needing a dentist on top of the fresh scars I will receive on Friday but what can The Tanya do but keep living in defiance of a berserker life well run through on the blades of a fucked up sword of Damocles I never expected to sign up for when I landed on this planet 57 years ago.

Ie WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!

But as my psychiatrist reminded me I have only survived this long by my own strength and determined defiance in the face of so much trauma, so I might as well just keep going until the day comes that I can’t live anymore (whenever that moment arises….)!

Just keep going onwards and upwards to meet the same cyclic spiral of life on the same groove until I launch myself into nowhere and everywhere in a paradigm far far away. BeJaysus! It’s truly insane! All of it.

But here I am…fighting now for access to a dentist and some relief perhaps from systemic pustulant demise. I dread losing yet another tooth too but it’s dead and no corpse brides can coexist in this body. I am quite quite Done!

15 June 2021

A magnificent storm is blowing through Holland park bringing much needed rain. I am lying in bed and loving the vibrating air pockets when the thunder peals. Amazing!

It looked so bright this morning that I had not even anticipated the storm. My inner radar must be off! Although it might explain my previous two days of frenetic obsessive jewellery making intense energy. I will try to rest today.

15 June 2020

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I would love to visit Mexico one day. Especially see Teototihican(sp?). I love a good chicken molé that my long lost past friend Juan Semo and his Croatian wife introduced me too. Utterly delicious.

I still have a fond and funny memory of the time I helped prepare the food for our shule’s Mexican party and there was some odd tension amongst us women as Juan kept circling into the kitchen to look at us in all our fabulous femaleness, chopping vegetables.

I got a little bored so I asked if he could put on music (which I thought would help add to the ambience) but Marina flew into a rage and yelled “No music!”

Wtf??? No music, no music? Like I was some slave? So I rolled my eyes at Juan and kept chopping, thinking ‘Jesus…why am I even here?’ which is my default question for almost all awkward situations. (Although not sure what Jesus has anything to do with it but old linguistic habits die hard).

So Juan sees my quiet confusion and my deep blush and lopes off rather Latino style into the Lounge area. Moments later the most romantic Spanish musika emanates from that region of the household. Oh shit I think...Juanski is rebelling with The Tanya.

I don’t even dare look at Marina, Nona makes a strange choking sound, but I think fuck it. It’s only music and he is trying to make me feel comfortable as a guest in his home.

He slides out of the lounge rather sensuously. I shoot him a typical quirky Tanya grin because it was kind to put on music as I hate working in a vacuum! He goes over to Marina, kisses her.

She replies “Thank you for the lovely music, my love!” “You are welcome!” I smile to myself. War of the sexes! Won! But this is why I try to avoid parties. Lmao!

Later there was a wrangle as I was informed by Juan (of course) that it was fancy dress so I should dress as a Mexican. So I went all out and wore my best Dress with a sombrero etc and the rabbi’s wife took one look at me and riddled with envy said “No one told me it was dress up?!”

I was now utterly furious and embarrassed as I lived on the opposite side of the city and was not going home to get changed. Marina says “Me either!“ I said “Wait what? I was told by both John and Juan?...ok ok fuck it I am going home!”

So to save face said Rebbetzin says “No no let’s nip over to my place I have a beautiful Mexican dress I will wear too”. High five on the fucking sisterhood. Thanks for playing along. So Nona and Marina sorta glare but acquiesce.

I drive with the rebbetzin (a fellow kiwi). She strips almost naked in front of me (??? too much sisterhood right there!). I get embarrassed but patiently wait for her to dress.

Then she outdoes me with the most fabulous authentic Mexican dress and black lace mantilla. ‘Ayyy Curumba, me thinks’ but who cares? I am happy that I will not be the only dickhead dressed up as a mexican for a Mexican party and it is still kind she saves my tochas and my face.

We drive back to the party. To suitable adoration from everyone because you know, Narcissist support group. I try not to laugh.

Juan, the dear sweet shit stirrer who is the only actual Mexican at the party sees through all the utter bullshit as he is highly intelligent and a doctor by profession and tells me I look absolutely stunning and he can’t understand why I am still single. I smile sweetly and thank him.

My kids wander through. He fusses over the girls in his charismatic way. We eat the fabulous feast. The Chicken Molé makes all that emotional hell and psycho-spiritual trickster torment almost worth it!!!

There is music and laughter and I forgive the “Habibi Club” their little characteristic masculine foibles and the sisterhood for their almost handmaidenish acting out. A nice time is eventually had but only because I held my ground.

But for years after I avoid parties. Actually rarely get invited to any which is fine by me. I am always “partying” at the casino each weekend anyway.

I still miss Juan and John and Uri and Gordon sometimes. Perhaps we formed a trauma bond? Lmao!!!

15 June 2019

I had a wonderful night last night dancing and today was quite wonderful too. Time spent with my nephew Mark and great niece Ayesha and great nephew Isaak. Lots of happiness and affection which was delightful.

We watched Ayesha having a horse riding lesson then after we went to KFC and stopped in at Capalaba Produce. Little Isaak got to hold baby chicks in his hands that were running free range with their mother hen who initially pecked Isaak but then settled down when she realised he was being gentle.

When we got back to my place Isaak got to play ball with Bobo and run around the garden a bit. Ayesha gathered limes for her beautiful mother who is due back from India tomorrow. Always a joy to watch children harvesting the fruits of the garden and walking humbly on the earth of “Sacred Space”.

I gave the children the pirate dress ups. They were quite thrilled. I thoroughly enjoyed the frequent hugs and snuggles from the children. It is so lovely when people admire you for your own crazy existence without judgement or fear of being “seen”.

I feel very peaceful, content and blessed. I find it quite miraculous to think that 35 years after Harry Arons and 31 years after Hilda Arons’ death that their grandson and great grandchildren are in my life. It seems so incredible.

Time and our ancestors kissing our present and future with unexpected blessings. The music of ancient timelines converging on the record of Fate.

My former love interest showed up last night and when I told my nephew about it, he said I should give him another chance. I would but after all the weirdness and acrimony I don’t know how to go about it.

Perhaps...perhaps..perhaps...time will bring back those who truly merit my heart and mind. When there is a willingness and a trust in Love itself there is always Hope.

For now I shall do nothing but relish the beautiful times and people that are surrounding me with great love and honour.

Update 2021: Hmmm....hmmmm. All gone now. Nothing left to do but shake it all off and hope I need authentic genuine people in my future.

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My left ear is inflamed again. It seems ridiculous but it seems to flare up every time my gall bladder has a tantrum. It seems to be a weird connection. Anyway...ouch!

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Funny conversation with Richie last night. He told me if I died he would pour a bottle of Wild Turkey on my grave in honour of my wild crazy spirit. I laughed.

I replied that I would drink it all up as it sank into the dirt in my grave, hoover it all up greedily then turn it into a rain shower so it could bless him back. Then we both laughed because it is something I am quite capable of doing when my time arises.

Whimsically I thought to myself to better get my Viking funeral boat ready so no one can rain on my parade. But Richie and I, with our combined ptsd traumas have very dark ideas about life and death. Lmao!

Later when I told him that my former lover had showed up and I was grateful to be in deep but jolly conversation with Andrew at that moment in time (as it meant I was witnessed being happy and enjoying male attention) Richie looked a bit miffed and reminded me that the point of Love is to Love and not ride high, seeking vengeance. (Although I was not actually doing that but was relieved to not be in my usual spot, being stared at by my personal love rat and his cousin.)

Watching them both shake with confusion because I was on the floor drinking JD and chatting to a handsome acquaintance (platonic!!!!) was a tad delicious. No vengeance. Just a little bit of spiritual intervention and reality checks.

The timing was...interesting. But life goes on and so does the weird cosmic “dance” of the Tanya. I enjoy my freedom and wildness so much.

I am grateful for the 8 years of stomping down my personal daemons, reconfiguring my heart and mind after every epic disappointment with former partners. Gaining mastery over the assorted psychopaths, narcopaths, and Machiavellian drainers and rediscovering my own innate power both as a Woman and as a Soul. A huge gift that is still slowly being unwrapped and unraveled in the eternal consciousness.

And yes. When/if the man I adore finally wakes up to himself and realises who really was authentic and loving I am Ready. But it is up to him to come to that gnosis without any further power games or attempts to subvert my inner balance.

I have great and powerful spirits as my protectors and guides and I humbly ask them to allow me to have the lover I desire. But they seem to want to put him through hoops. It is necessary for his development as well as mine that he learns I am not to be trifled with or ever ever abused.

So my heart Knows but my higher mind (fickle freckled finger of fate) is still reminding me to maintain dignity, equilibrium and patience.

Hohum. Love is and always shall be the Law!

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15 June 2018

It’s a glorious day. I am feeling a lot clearer in the head. Lots of old traumas revisited me yesterday (including flashbacks) but they serve as timely reminders of how far I have come in my survival to thrival.

A beautiful young woman was murdered, and I was almost murdered several times but somehow miraculously I have dragged myself through so much horror and weirdness to begin again, a new day in “paradise”.

Remarkable. Formidable. Occasionally joyous.

To all the dead girls and women whose lives were snuffed out for no good reason but a man’s lust and a man’s awful hatred, I honour you and pray you all find rest and peace in the Eternal Light.

To all the bastards that ever tried to grind us down: be ready! The souls of women are coming for you. You will lay down your swords and cede to the Divine Feminine.

She is giving back her power to the broken, tortured, raped and debased Female. Be aware! You will be held accountable. Our Mother Earth is writhing and rocking in her Rage.

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I wanna go outtt like a blister in the sun! But alas, my dog won’t let me. Prisoner of his snuggly love!

Laila Tov Kulam! Shabbat Shalom.

15 June 2017

I woke up feeling ok and spent the morning bringing washing inside to dry on hangers as another squall threatened even though it was a nice sunny morning.

I cleaned Charlie's cage. Now had to lie down as utterly exhausted and feel a bit triggered. Damn. I never can tell how my mental state is going to shape up each day. I am fighting on!

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I got home from afternoon tea with Jenny to discover my weeping rose I ordered 2 months ago had arrived. It was almost dark so I hit the ground running and dug a fresh hole not far from where the last rose was planted and hammered the stake in, replacing the metal rose frame.

I am so excited. I hope this one thrives! I did not want to leave it another night in the packaging as I feared it might die.

Tomorrow I will gather up some chook poo and some compost to enrich the soil as I had no time to do that in the dusk. I am determined that this rose is going to do great!!

15 June 2016

I had a nice lunch with my cousin Melvyn. He is moving to Cairns on 15th July. We had a nice time, chatting for two hours.

Then I went to vote at pre-polling day. I weirded out the LNP spruiker by joking “My people don’t like your people”. She looked at me aghast, so I said “I am sure you are a lovely lady in spite of your politics”. It was hilarious! The Labour Party guy laughed.

I had $4 left to my name so I bought a frozen grape drink at Hungry Jacks and went to Officeworks in Adelaide Street to buy two pens for $2. Even pens are expensive these days.

I checked out the designer second hand shop. Nothing grabbed my eye, except a pair of designer Christian Labouton patent leather boots which were $250. Wow, out of my reach!

Now at the bus station, waiting fir the bus home. I am exhausted and full of phlegm - stuffed nose, sneezing and coughing. I will go to bed when I get home.

Today is the first time I have taken a bus to the City in several months. I should come and spend the day looking at more shops but today I just couldn’t be bothered really.

Some preacher in Adelaide Street was condemning everyone to Hell if we don’t accept Jesus. I laughed uproariously. Hilarious. I find it such a perverted hateful religion.

I left my iPhone at home so it’s been a little break from Facebook!

Melvyn tells me his lungs are bad - fibrosis..precursor to Emphysrma. His arthritis is bad too. Hopefully he will do better in Cairns, have some time to himself before he gets too old.

I told him about David Davidson’s spirit, knocking on my door. He was amazed too. He said he wished Kay haunted him. He loved her so much. I doubt she was equally enamoured. Poor man.

I just realised that Dave “Just a Mere Male” from Paltalk also came to say Goiodbye to me last year. Trippy! I hope when my father passes that he stays away from me. I don’t want to ever hear from him again.

I am still shocked that David Davidson passed at 63 and my evil bastard colluding father is still alive at 88! Well

Sooner or later we all must die but I pray I am free of all of them, to be happy, peaceful, prosperous, wise, beautiful and surrounded by real enduring love of a man who truly loves, supports, cares for me, whom is loyal, faithful, passionately in love with me, but shares his life with me. A true life partner - devoid of power/control and jealousy games.

I shall remain single and alone fur the rest of my life rather than waste time on one more dickhead.

As my psychiatrist said last Wednesday. I finally live in a dickhead free zone. It’s wonderful!

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Then I came home utterly shattered so went for a nap. Now awake but really not feeling too well, with a cold again and a bit of a cough. Psychedelic Dreaming fragile little flower. But she keeps push pushing herself up from the cold hard ground and keeps forcing herself to bloom.

Gold song by Kiara just popped into my head. My guardian angels are moving my spirit and healing me in their usual quirky off-beat Golden way. I can only assume they know what they are doing? Lmao. The Brats.

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Today I started back on HRT. So yeah. Now I can't sleep. Again. But I am going to fight to stay off my psych meds as long as possible. I lost 20 years due to being medicated off my face due to trauma. 20 years when I should have been in my prime and at peak performance.

I have been robbed of so much in my life, including my own safety and serenity.

I hope I can maintain some mental Equilibrium until I eventually die. This is my last hurrah. The last stage of my life of pain and suffering. It would be very cool if I could achieve contentment, peace and love for this next stage.

The ghosts and ghouls of vicious viscous vipers can rattle my chains and hammer my doors but they have no more power over me than a sneeze in a cyclone. All snot and phlegm and piss and wind, blown out with the Furies.

Now is My Time to Shine.

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A power surge to purge the scourge of decades of suffering. Acid reflux (in our beginnings are our endings, as I suffered terrible reflux as a failure-to-thrive baby) is keeping me awake. Hot and cold under my doona. Skin itchy and crawling. Constant need to pee.

I went 3 weeks without HRT until the hot flushes and heightened emotional states became too intense.

New mantra: I am not this belching bellicose bucolic body. I am a being of Light and Love and I can heal myself again. Dear G-D eliminate anything and anyone that is not for my Highest good or brings me into imbalance.

Free me of disease and the despicable hatred of my enemies. Help me to out-live, out ride, outcast those whom were mere bit-players in a psychopath's game. Smite them, fight them then cut them loose for their own karmic Reckoning.

I am too old and too sick and too tired to let them burden me with their malignant intentions.

Blessed Be Adonai, my Rock and my Redeemer who brings justice, wisdom, peace, love, happiness, healing, validation, vindication and beauty back into my life. Amen V' Selah.

My angels have my very itchy scratchy scarred back. My flesh crawls, especially where the skin cancers were chopped out like chunks of chuck steak. But this too shall pass.

15 June 2015

Storm clouds gathering...I can see through the bullshit. It is a shame that people assume I am crazy and/or stupid. Fly, my pretties, fly!

You do not own me, control me or choose for me.

I have been an independent, highly intelligent, wise woman most of my life. I manage just fine as long as I don't fall in love with Sociopaths or Narcissists.

Like Groucho Marx, I do not Belong to any group that would have me as a member. I will not lie down and take shit up the proverbial, not for any man, woman or child!

You are either with me or agin' me. If you agin' me, get out of my way, my face, my life.

I don't require Fakes or Toxic people in my life.

Frankly, my Dear, I don't give a damn about the games. I don't play well with others. My life, my sandpit, my toys. If I share with you, I like you. If you prove unworthy. Find another Host to leech from.

No psychic Vampires, alien implantees, liars, cheats, or men and women of loose integrity will ever be close to me.

Ever! (Not everyone who smiles at me is truly my friend!) :-)

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Please help, Universe. Free me from others’ malicious games and manipulations. I know they are mere mortals and suffer from envy but really? Too much!

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8.16 pm feeling creeped out. Today when I went to my hairdresser, I shut my front door behind me. The deadlock was not snibbed and the door shut with a thud.

When I got home, the front screen was open and so was the wooden door. Wide open. My heart raced. I thought I had been burgled.

I ran inside, checked the house. Nothing seemed to be stolen. So that was weird and lucky. I shut the front door behind me.

About an hour ago, I heard a thud at my front door and a light ring of the bell. Huh? I thought. Someone must have dropped by. I get up. Go to the front room, turn on the light. Look outside. Noone there! So I think, Okay, might have been one of my cats.

No worries, back to bed. Then just now, I had 6 messages on my phone saying Karen was calling me but my phone didn't ring. I kept trying to call her back. She was on another call. So after the 6th time I left a message. She just rang back. She hasn't been calling me. So I switched my iphone on and off so it will ring again.

Also early this morning I got into the dirtiest nastiest rage out of almost nowhere. I have in fact been euphoric for a week or two, in spite of being terribly ill with this flu thing that won't go away.

I spent 30 minutes from 5 pm coughing uncontrollably and vomiting phlegm. No biggie. It was the nightfall drop in temperature. Much better back in bed. My hair looks great though. I will be the prettiest corpse I have ever seen. (Jokes!)

Seriously though. It's weird about the gremlins.

I rebuke your Negativity and return it to the power of ten.

(Little Disclaimer here).

Update 2021: Interestingly this haunting occurred two months before my suicide attempt. Then a year later Davidson haunted me (3-6 June 2016). What awful energies did I bring back or percolate like seething black coffee? Hmmm. Only the love I poured into those sadistic men. Shit!

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15 June 2014

I slept at Crystal's for 4 hours. I had got up at 2, drove with Jo to Ferny Grove to get her car. I was so tired, I dropped into Crystal's for a cuppa to wake myself up. I never drank the tea. I passed out on her couch lol. Now we are driving to Red Rooster as I am starving.

My life has been so awesome. I have danced so wildly that my body just wanted to rest.

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15 June 2013

My loneliness is killing me. I had a good night dancing but the men were so blech, touching me without my permission or even a hello! So over the crap! I wore my lovely black velvet evening dress. If I go out tomorrow night, back on go the studded boots and corset. They don't dare touch me when I dress all-powerful, the tossers.

I have now proven that dressing elegantly sends them the wrong message. They seem to think you are a victim. Hmm.

Well, I intend to continue to enjoy my life, with or without a partner. Society is just too bizarre to try to fit in with. Lucky I enjoy my independence and freedom.

15 June 2012

Totes Broke! Bought Filler for the Tea cosy I knitted. Some feathers for its tail and also bought Fabric Stiffener to try to fix up my flowers for my hair clips. Now no drinking Mon for my Bum for Kiss Tribute Band tomorrow nite.

Hmmm. Oh well. Sick people shouldn't go out in cold night air anyway. Maybe some self-sabotage is a good thing LMAO

15 June 2011

I just woke up with tummy ache from the radiating lower disk backache. I don’t feel like getting up today even though it's 1 pm. I spent the night cleaning my silver jewellery, so there is no reason for pain as I was sitting down.

I dreamt of Capetown's Table mountain and that I was holidaying there with my niece Marika and her newborn baby. She probably has another kid by now. Weird!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons