Memories: 16 June 2025

16 June 2025

8:12 am I just woke up. Lungs aching. I had dreams but I am not able to clearly remember them although one name kept being mentioned and I don’t know anyone with that name…James Lund. He seemed related to a former male friend but I don’t know. My brain does weird things in my sleep.

Maybe it meant “James Blunt” the singer? Who knows? But they definitely spelled it out as Lund. Hmm… odd. Also why am I even dreaming of that man who turned so vicious towards me? Like…fuck off…seriously.

I never used dream of him. Even when I fell in love with him…which was unexpected too. Some ancient unfinished business, or ancestal connection? Who in hell is James Lund? An ancestor? A guide? A messenger? An intermediary?

The sun is shining again, although Lyn tells me the rain is coming back next week. It’s cold too. Crisp. You could strike a match off it. A sharpness to the air.

Time to get up and greet the day and open up the birdie’s room.

My cymatic breathing did a giant backslide from 0.7 to 1.7 last night. It makes no logical sense. I worked hard on that cuff yesterday, but I was happy and delighted that I finally achieved it, so why the backsliding with my airways? But the sleep specialist does not know what causes my sleep apnoea so we just treat the condition… can’t cure it.

I suspect it was caused by the three near drownings in my childhood and the three strangulations in my thirties…but regardless…here I am with squeezy achy lungs…still living my best life and fighting forwards like one of Boudiccea’s favourite Babes…Courageously, honourably, creatively.

Little Tanya, whose own family of origin tried to kill her, destroy her, silence her, financially demolish her out of envy and spite…has done well. Alone, or in good company…I persist. Like a limpet on a rock smashed by too many stormy seas…. But Hineini…here I am!

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So this is a gross post…but I got to thinking about it as it’s kind of disturbing. I had a drainer come out yesterday arvo to clear the leaking drain at the bottom of my garden.

I come out to speak to him when he finished clearing it. He tells me there were tampons and baby wipes blocking the drain. I tell him truthfully that I never put baby wipes down the toilet, only toilet paper and I haven’t had a period since 2007. I tell him “I am on old Lady, ya know!”

He kinda sneers at me. I mean…I haven’t had a period since 30th October 2007 when I was 42 (and a half!) and had my womb excised. FFS! That surgery nearly killed me too…it was heinous, so I will never forget that and I would know if I bleed or not!

So the drainer gives me a scathing filthy look and walks over to the river of shit (and what looked like blood!) covered ground where he cleared the blockage. He shows me a black sodden mess (actually picked it up in his hands and pulls it apart to show me the strings attached). Ew!!!!

I tell him again, truthfully that noone who comes here menstruates anymore. We are all older women. … and I live alone and rarely get visitors anyway. So where the fuck did the Tampons and baby wipes come from?

He says it’s the tree roots that caused the blockage but my drain drops down at a sharp angle near the fence line. He could feel it drop!

Is he fucking gaslighting me? Cos if it drops downnn…how would a shitburg of tampons and baby wipes climb back up and block my drain? I mean….it’s science, people…gravity is still a thing. Or is it…backed up shit walking itself uphill?

So I tell him I am being haunted by the local neighbourhood “divine feminine” and vaguely gesticulate to my evil vicious neighbours down the road…and I laugh.

Shit happens. I have had sewage problems here for 16 years consecutively, and only in the past 6 years has that resolved. Now it’s blowing back again.

It is any wonder I feel like I should finally move out and find somewhere safer and more sanitary to live…if that is even humanly possible.

I mean I don’t begrudge wallowing in my own faeces but other womens’ period products, and baby wipes…no one around me even has a baby! What the fuck? They must be using them to remove makeup and throwing them down the toilet too. Ew!

Then I told Lyn about it and she says “What?” He didn’t put Dettol down and left you with all the shit?!”

Yes, I said. It’s filthy!

“Don’t walk barefoot in that area, Tanya!”

No…I won’t.

The shit will make the grass grow. Free blood and bone. Arggghhh.

But I am at least grateful as he says he “cleared the drain”. Let’s hope so. 16 years of shitburgs and very poor workmanship and lack of liasing with BCC and Buranda Housing dept tells me otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong …I love living in this house and on this land but when the shit hits the fan it’s epic! Not even all my own shit. Farrrrkkkkk!

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You know you really love something when you just can’t stop playing with it! I have polished the Persian Turquoise to 100K diamond paste! It’s come up a treat! So beautiful.

Mama T aka The Tanya has worked hard on this project. I started cutting out the bezel base and bezel on 17 April and completed it yesterday 15 June. It took some wrangling…I even took a week or two off during its construction, feeling full of despair and epic failure! But yesterday I had a vibe that I would complete it …and here it is! Resplendent in the morning light and golden sunshine. Woot!

#titaniasrealm #magickhappens #neverletthebastardsgrindyoudown #dontfallpreytoOldTapesfromabusers #livefreelivewildlivecreatively #holdyourline #smilewevegotthis #neverquitnevercedeneveryield #loveisthelawloveunderwill #realitychecks #IamsotiredIcoulddiebuthereIamstruttingmystuff :-)))). #sunshineandsweetnessinmylifeagain

16 June 2023

I’ve been out to pick up my ankle boots which have been repaired. Stopped in at Woolies to get a few more groceries. Money tight, chest tight, heart tight. Worn thin by disappointment and ancient griefs. But grateful for a glorious sunny day and the kindness of strangers. I had a long chat with Jarrod last night too. I feel comforted somewhat.

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I could drown in your Love and still be immersed in even more! Beauty to behold! Gift from Sacred Space!

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https://youtu.be/np8TQcjHCvc

16 June 2022

Teeth are fine. The dentist suggested I rinse my mouth with bicarbonate of soda to eliminate the weird taste. They took X-rays.

They booked me in for a check up with their student dentists. All good. Back to the Grind.

So the weakness and dizziness must be another cause.

By the way, the staff here are very friendly and even the dental chair massages your back which at first I found astonishing!

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Update: after waiting 90 minutes on the phone I managed to get an appointment today. Yayy. I am not looking forward to toothy intervention but I need to solve this systemic illness asap.

I am sipping tea and preparing for the drive to Herston for the treatment. I am Dizzy and weak so I think I should leave a bit earlier as I will need to find a park and destress a little bit.

Tomorrow I have two more cuts to my back as well. I am Starting to feel a tad tortured quite frankly. But this too shall pass!

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The Humans are Dead. 45 minutes on the phone trying to talk to a human to book an emergency dental appointment.

They tell you to lodge a callback. I did that yesterday afternoon. No one called back. So I am hanging on the phone like it’s a fucking lifeline but in reality it’s utter bullshit.

Oh well. Perseverance, resilience and bloody mindfulness is the game. In this Hunger Games dereliction of duty Covid Epoch.

If I wasn’t so weak and dizzy I would drive over there and demand to speak to a manager or somebody so I can book. It’s insane. All of it.

16 June 2017

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Been out in garden with wild unbrushed hair (drying it after washing) looking like a crazy old Battleaxe, shovelling shit (chook poo) on my roses, new and old, also ashes from my fire and the shredded paper the weeping rose came in, on top of the rose beds. Now a tad knackered but slowly getting the place tidy.

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A nice Samoan man came from Housing to take pictures of the fencing mistakes. He says he will send someone next week to put in the drop bolt and fix the neighbour's side of the fence. Finally!

He says the latches are supposed to be on the inside of property line, not outside as they were previously. Well, that is odd but ok, if so I will adjust to that.

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Shabbat Shalom y'all! It's my Oneg Shabbat! I am getting dressed for my glorious Joie de Vivre and outrageous Fortune.

16 June 2016

3.48 am Finally in bed after a lovely long chat to my friend Nigel in NZ.

Happy woman here. I am so grateful for my loving supportive friends.

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7.10 am. 2 hours and 20 minutes sleep. There was a moment, lying in bed trying to quell my mind, when my head was so crystal clear I felt like I had been illuminated and turned into a receiving station.

I cried out to G-D. Thank you. Thank you for this sublime moment, this healing and this peace, delightful joyous peace and so much love welling up inside that I never thought was possible. May I merit to enjoy many more months or years of this beautiful existence. I feel so blessed.

Then I fell asleep but here I am again, alert. (Damn, having to pee, but that will be the HRT kicking back in). I am all stuffed up in the schnozz with another cold.

But mine enemies are "smited" before me and I can finally rest. G-D has shown me that I mattered after all. That He heard my Clarion Call. That has been my strength and my blessing.

So onwards I go to the next lesson :-). Back to sleep!

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11.22 am. Awake again. 6 hours sleep in total but the last 4 were really deep with intense dreams. So feeling a bit rested.

Another day! Another night!

Sophie slept beside me all morning and smooshed her head against my hand for Sophie Cuddles. She has abandoned her own boudoir in favour of Mama T's body heat. Smart pussy.

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It seems I might be getting my lawns mowed after all. Put him off until Tuesday as I am flat broke until then. I don't think 5 more days will make it grow too much.

Anyway chipping away at my stressors one day at a time, Sweet Moses :-). At least he rang me to say he turned up yesterday but I was out. I was like Yeah cos you were supposed to come on Monday (before that last Tuesday).

He says he won't charge me extra this time as the grass is still low. Hmmm. I was about to look for another contractor.

We shall see. 3 strikes rule but for now I will let shit goooooo! Breathe in and out. Everything Zen, Babies.

Still in bed but might as well face the day and get out of bed.

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A productive day! I took Beauregard to the park and after his initial disappointment that we were the only ones there, in a short time other folk brought their dog-gods so Beauregard was in 7th Heaven!

Then I filled up 2 of my four ponds, cleaned the filter, cleaned out the dead leaves etc that create algae nightmares. Then I came inside and cleaned my oven (I sprayed it last night). Wow. I don't think I have cleaned it in 5 years since they installed it so now it is spick and span and I am roasting sweet potatoes and potatoes in it.

Now I have a sore neck - go figure, but now I am sipping wine and sitting on my couch by candlelight, (finally lit the candles I bought for my candelabra months ago). It is all very snug and Heimisch here.

Life is good. For the moment. I am accustomed to living my life in moments as severe mood swings from CPTSD or weird spiritual unexpected stuff, like dead former sexual partners can really throw me off my perch.

So far, still off my psych meds but back on my hrt and acid reflux medication and another one, also eating magnesium and fish oils and I do declare I would like to think (denial is not just a river in Africa) that I am back behind the minnow, steering my own ship out of troubled waters.

Aye aye Capn, thar she blows! Shurrup, you scurrilous scurvied Cur, look sharp! Or oy'll make Ye walk the plank! Be afraid, be very afraid.

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At the dog park. Beauregard is so disappointed. No one else here. So I will sit a while in the hope someone else shows up. He was so excited about going to see the dogs!

16 June 2015

6.31 pm slept all day from 2 am. I had epic dreams about swimming pools freezing over 2 inches thick with ice. Patches of snow and stalactites near a fence. Then the cats woke me up having a cat fight.

I had other intense dreams too, about a house I lived in as a teenager. Always the same dream, about another dimension because in the dream the top level of the house is inhabited by another family and it feels haunted.

Today in the dream I cleared the top level of evil spirits and found an older jewish lady living there with literally dozens of children. With lovely antique furniture and toys and books for the children. They were living in secret.

They had never been outside in the garden and I marvelled at this. I started asking the older boys if they had had a Bar Mitzvah and they said “No” and looked sad.

All their rooms, there were many, were tiny but in one room contained a Torah and some prayer books. I offered to teach them a bit of Hebrew reading. Their faces lit up but they said No, there was no time.

So instead I asked each of the children to show me their rooms which they all very happily did.

Odd dream but I have been watching a lot of horror shows in Netflix lately.

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My success is measured in moments. My happiness came late in life after eventually most of my tormentors died or crawled away somewhere. Success is surviving and ultimately thriving. Success is being loving and hopeful and never quitting on yourself.

Success is keeping going forward, even when you have to haul an entire household by yourself many times with minimal assistance, no money and no support, dragging two kids through life who ultimately reject you or grow away from you.

Success is not dying when you should have. Yet knowing that is just a Deferred Layby plan and sooner or later you will be paying the River Man!

Success is helping your own family die, even knowing that ultimately they will stab you to death, even after the will is finally read, then flog you with their filthy lies.

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I have made Jarrod the person who will keep my Facebook going if I die before him.

I try to write in here as much as possible and even include some of my writings.

When I die, this will be my only legacy. My weird psychobabble and opinions on the world and my small appearance in it.

How very drôle!

16 June 2014

Still out with Crystal and Jarrod at her place now. They are jamming on their ukeleles and I am facebooking and still battling intense fatigue.

We went to Waterford West and had Brodies for dinner. The place hasn't changed much since I lived there in 98. I am glad I got out of the ghetto. The lake was still pretty though, so I snoozed in the car while Crystal and Jarrod took a walk.

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My life is awesome. I danced at the pub for 9 nights. I met up with wonderful friends. Then yesterday I finally couldn't stay awake anymore. I slept most of the day and was in absolute Recovery.

I am now driving with Crystal and Jarrod to IKEA. Woot!

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Still very weary... We took turns driving. I think I will sleep heaps tomorrow to try and catch up my energy.

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16 June 2013

Lost a screw in my glasses so now lost the lens as well. Feel like a one-eyed Pirate and just as ornery!

I had a great night last night. Looked ueber-sexy and beautiful. I know this cos other women told me so. I danced in front of the band Jabba (safe there, and heaps of fun and kept a motherly protective eye on the younger women dancing with me.)

Comment from Sylvia Shine (of Blessèd memory):

As long as you don't lose a screw,in your bleeding head.keep having fun ,that's what it's all about,whilst you can,time,she flies by,so good on ya,making the best of it,i wish i had had a wee bit more,when i could have had,but i musn't be greedy,i still have some good times.hugs and kisses. x x x Sylvia. x x x x

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Sat night's effort! Came home exhausted but happy. Feet, legs still in recovery.

16 June 2011

A Full Moon Fantasy fizzled out quicker than a POP Tart. Oh Happy Day. Frottering male friend now officially de-mystified and scared away. Woohoo!

Lyn visited and brought me horse shit so my shitty life can bloom in abundance so the shit can happen and make beautiful things grow. I am finding out so much cool stuff about myself. I am Awesome!

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THE HUMANS ARE DEAD! dum dum dum....computer owns me now.

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A bit hurt that I am only loved for my facebook status updates, weird arguments with the Love psychic and general meshugass. I simply don't translate well into 3D. LMAO. Ah the Poetry of life!

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There is a Lid for every Pot, but unfortunately I flipped mine so I'll stay on the back burner for a very slow simmer and turn off the heat for a while. I wouldn't like to be over done (or done over).

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is at Gail's place. Helped move her fridge upstairs and now looking forward to fish and chips for dinner and seeing Tahylia.

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Am devastated to report that my Vanilla slie got squashed and I've lost my brand new large gold hoop gypsy earring. Now thoroughly upset. Only just paid them off and only worn them a few times. Farkkkkkkk! No earrings, no mojo, no va va va voom , no biddybing bam boom.

*slice although squishy vanilla slices do need to be eaten on the sly (shame)

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Bored, fractious, horny and outstandingly awesome. (Not my inner child - children are never horny) but all the rest......I’m drinking dolcetto and syrah to mourn the loss of my earring, my dignity and my sex appeal ...long story and wondering how much more awesomeness of mine I can take before I implode (or decompensate!) PS I love Courtenay! I may never love again mainly cos it subsumes me and I don't have any energy...

16 June 2010

Progress! I finally cleaned my bath, got my washing under control and finished sorting, storing old photo albums. Now all I need to do is clean my kitchen, mop the floors and do weeks worth of dishes and I might be able to pass myself off as a semi-normal person LOL.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons