Memories: 14 May 2025

14 May 2025

6:30 am I was awoken not by my new bird friends, but by the BCC council garbage truck. Annoying but here we are! A better night of breathing. The Dance of life continues….

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Some arsehole has been in my laundry and stolen all my candle making supplies: scents and wicks. I am furious. I am lucky they didn’t steal my tools as well. It must have been a quick door dash!

Now I have to keep that door locked at all times. So annoying. It was a strange thing to steal. Probably kids.

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I had my debrief today. I told my doctor I am only alive because of him. (Meaning I know how hard he has fought to keep me here in Planet Hellscape!)

I will not attempt suicide again, gifting my power, my womanliness to motherfucking dead shits…ever again. If “they” wish to kill me, they will have to do it in person. How many former lovers tried to kill me? Legions.

I told him I must have died for real in one of my last few near deaths to be existing in this hell and dystopic nightmarish dreaming, disguised as “reality”. Some cruel vicious inordinate punishment…but then I told him that people have been kind to me also, like the gift of the birds. A beautiful gift to keep me busy and tethered to this world, sparking joy and delight with their little birdy voices.

My doctor smiled sanguinely. “You are doing better, Tanya. I had Boudiccea sitting in front of me for the past two sessions”. We giggled at each other.

“Ahh yes, Boudiccea…that fabulous Bitch…my Queen!” (I blow kisses to my Muse!). “That one is never far away, Doctor…only a nanosecond away!” We laugh again. If not for my ancient one…veritably I would have died decades ago. Three to be exact.

That woman fearlessly fought the Roman Empire. And when she lost…she lost spectacularly. However the Spiritual war continues….

I had a lovely day today. I bought two more soldering tools. Expensive but practical. I am very excited about it.

My new birds are settling in…I bought them a ladder, a swing and a toy in the cheapie shop. I am looking forward to them getting accustomed to me one day, so I can handle them.

Jarrod is coming to visit me after work tomorrow morning. I look forward to that also. He will love Kermie and Beau!

14 May 2024

14 May 2023

https://youtu.be/kSEnpC0SZNQ

https://youtu.be/tWrZIo8Fl9Y

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Quiet day. I had a call from Crystal for Mothers Day. Then I raked up all the autumn leaves and burned them in my fire pit. Now I stink of smoke and ashes…Baby. Smouldering in my last hurrah on planet earth.

It’s all good. My lungs are not too bad, so I think I am over the worst of that nasty cold I got from sitting in the rain at drumming. It’s taken 5 days but I am getting stronger. Mind you, I fought through the worst of it, even with a fever, by polishing my opal for two days. Healer, heal thyself. Manic Denial is a Thing. Just ask my psychiatrist!

What doesn’t kill you…doesn’t kill you but it makes you strange and Berserker, determined to succeed in all your undertakings before the undertaker shuffles you off your perch permanently.

Like a small wizened lowly bird, I hover over my tiny perch, guarding my sacred space on the Earth as fiercely as any other spirit cleaving to this mortal coil.

I had hoped for a great and magical thing: true love…a partner and a loving family, surrounding me on days like this. But not to be…. Oh well...shit.

I will have to keep manifesting and being my own lover/partner/mother/daughter of the gods. C’est la vie! BougieMama got this!

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Happy Mothers Day to all the women who mothered (and men who had to take on the nurturing role too!)

14 May 2022

14 May 2021

9:27 am. Slept from 5 am grrr. Not enough sleep. I was awake all night. While Not sleeping but at least lying supine to rest my fat middle aged hormonal body...I made new friends on the Bling group. A woman in Germany.

Her jewellery is amazing. I was chatting to her in my basic German and it was awkward as I had to explain that my mother was German but we only spoke English at home which is why my German is so poor. Thank god for translations. Lol.

She asked for my Instagram page so I looked at hers while she looked at mine. Another woman from the group followed me on Instagram. I thought it was wonderful how we all support each other in our creativity. It’s truly inspiring and lovely to feel so supported!

After about an hour and a half I finally fell asleep. A relief.

I only got up at midday yesterday and had spent the day in a kind of haze of exhaustion from insomnia the night before that but got busy in the afternoon sawing the inlaid timber drink trolley top. Gahhh.

My energies are all over the place! I feel quite discombobulated! Ie shaken not stirred like a dry martini but without the Bonding license to kill.

Meh!

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1:11 pm C’mon Angels...You know what to do!!! Much love and blessings. Please and thank you! Protection from All negativity, gifts of abundance and prosperity, truest deepest love. Better health. Even good health.

Thank you for opening me up to even further creativity!

Please protect my most Sacred of Spaces, my home, my garden, my pets, my heart/mind/body and spirit and my family and friends.

Allow me the life I always prayed for/dreamed about/ tried hard to manifest with my inherent formidable stymying sabotaging traumas.

Out of the ashes and bones of the old life I shed many skins, even now shedding with skin cancers and older age vulnerabilities; I realise how powerful and wise my god/desses, Angels, fae, and life force truly are!

Thank you to the Holy One in all manifestations. I could not be in this moment without YOU!

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Nu. Shabbat shalom and chag Sameach for Shavuot. (My beautiful Irish Jewish friend Louise reminded me it is Shavuot this evening! I had no idea!)

Today I worked like someone had set a Dybbuk right up my tochas. On four hours sleep! I sanded and sanded back that Inlaid piece of timber until I could not bear to look at it or go near it any longer.

I have hurt my back and twisted my neck. Argghhh. Aight!

I finished up around 3.33 pm when young Harrison stopped by to say Hello. Sweet lad. Then he went on his way and I packed everything away then took a shower to wash off the wood and polyurethane dust that are probably clogging up my lungs also.

I promised Beauregard and Charley a wee walkies. Charley hurried down from the tree and off we went.

I said hello to my Scottish neighbour and his dear little boy, Lachlan who was pretending to shoot me with a bow and arrow. That’d be right!

I said “You must be a true Celt or a Viking, shooting your poor Tanya neighbour down! They better be arrows of love, my lovely as I’ve already been deader for longer than most people alive!” The infant Viking kept shooting. I played along.

I said “What will happen if you kill me for real...little Lachlan? I hope I won’t be back as a baby as I’ve had quite enough of this reincarnating stuff!” Little baby Alice, safe in her father’s arms shot me a radiant look of glee, grinned and drooled.

I said “I know Alice, I know...your Angel people just told you that I will be back and I am silly as a wheel!” She laughed even more as only the very very young (or young at heart!) still have that connection to the ancestors and the angels.

Chris quipped that Alice thinks it’s a perfectly fine thing to be a baby! Everything gets done for them. I gently patted her arm and softened for a moment.

Aye...’tis a fine thing indeed to be a happy baby in a loving safe environment. I won’t spoil that for her with my hard bitten Cantankerous blood curdling bitterness that sits like a canker on my soul. I felt a momentary pang of grief as even my infancy had been sullied and stolen from.

But where were we?...I digressed! Arrows of love...what do the Irish say? Jaysus Mary and Josephine.....??? Only the gods and wild infant children can love me now ...(sniggers)

I carried on with my promenade around Sapphire street. I stopped to say hello to my furry Beloved Miss Koko.

Peter kindly lent me three g clamps so I can finish my latest project in the next few days.

His 91 yo mother Ailsa insisted I come inside to admire the new photographs of all the grandchildren. Lovely. She loves our little mad chats.

I came home, and am sitting on the couch in a sort of numb state. My ears are ringing from the noise of the random orbital Sander all day! My hands are aching. My neck is creaking. Frankly, I could do with a good drink! This pristine hard working rat wheel existence is killing me very very slowly!

But L’Chaim! Life is good!

14 May 2020

I am eating cake for breakfast because I can and I am enjoying the sweetness of life in my mouth. It is grounding and pleasurable and who cares about the liver, overburdened with sugar or the calories or the excess baggage in the saggage.

My loose caboose is not for Everyman but fulfills the vessel of my heart’s desires. The right person will love me in all manifestations (even my big Hobbitses feet firmly stolidly planted on holy ground - Gaia) while my mind spins on a Dime and trips the Light Fantastic!

What news from the Multiverses?!

Love the skin you are in! To your own Self be true. Remain authentic and fiercely defend your hardwon Freedoms. Stay in love (even with the unrequited ones...Jesus....) as love is the lifeforce and fabric of the universe and it will send you a Little crazy (okay okay a Lot Crazy but like Lot’s wife, you will become a pillar of salt if you cry a lot over nothing as all the time it was merely an illusion and you were the Beloved all along...

So come here Ye olde Celtic Warriors, lick my salty eyeballs and comprehend my Truth. I See You and you over there, shaking that arse in intrepid denial (Yes Tanya is guilty as charged!) and you over there in dark corners, shaking with anticipation as you stroke your Lingam (I see the urge to merge the lifeforce is strong with you but um…can you practise a little self restraint in public places and sacred spaces, most holy and profound).

Aye..let The Tanya eat her cake for she lost her head to the Red Queen that spawned her and scorned her…but she grew it back. 55 years of reconfiguring and recovery! Too much, too little, too late but here we are. You and me Baby! Cowering in covid cowardice while the world turns.

Blessèd be the gods who sustained me and brought me to this season. Amen v’selah. And onwards and upwards, sublimely sublimating our subliminal legends of lingam-type performance because the Cock Supreme hath crowed twice and yet She remains in substantial Love and Magnificence.

Broken but stoic and somewhat Triumphant until next time the Piper calls my name or, the Owl according to your traditions.

I have the silver to protect my dead eyes for the crossing of the River Styx but the gods dammed that flow and sent me down another estuary as they have another river for me to cross. This time perhaps it will lead to the ocean of Eternity and Bliss.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps... but they promised me happy ever after in this existence so I must be good and cool my heels and my ardour (said the spider to fly!) Grandmother Spider be kind be kind to your Little One I humbly beseech you, lest there be more Berserker Banshee screeching on my part. I am so tired, so very tired. Forgive me?!

Copyright Tanya Desiree Arons

#psychedelicdreamer

#warriorgoddess

#unrequitedLoveMuppet

#movealongnoThingtoseehere

🙂 #smartarse

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14 May 2019

I am battling exhaustion again. I am glad I had a good week last week. Friday was wonderful. But down the rabbit hole I go.

I am looking forward to catching up with Jarrod soon. I will have to surface from my subterranean chamber and be my usual effervescent self 🙂.

I spent most of today in bed, resting. Life is good even if it is unproductive.

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14 May 2018

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Home from Byron Bay. Crystal and Jarrod took turns driving as I was very unwell today. So glad I managed to enjoy the beauty of Byron in spite of feeling so disassociated and sick in my stomach.

I am an intrepid determined bitch!

The dogs loved running along Belongil Beach and I did manage to have a paddle in the surf. The sea was so clear.

14 May 2017

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Happy Mother's Day to all the Women who gave so much to so many. You rock!

14 May 2016

5.03 am. Home from a great night out. Very very sore feet. I was starving so I made a stirfry with rice vermicelli, old looking mushrooms, a zucchini, 2 eggs, an onion, some garlic and a tiny tin of creamed corn, and 2 tomatoes.

Yum. Cooking at 4.30 am was a bit odd but worth it. I just felt like vegetables instead of my usual end of night Maccas. Now sitting on my couch, eating and drinking tea and feeling all my nerve endings in my feet jangling like one giant raw nerve of dead meat.

But I had a nice time and I can sleep later and I am free! Single! Sexy Mama! No complications or general bs. (For a change!)

Ooh ooh and I went really wild and lavished myself by putting my electric blanket back on my bed. So next time it is a cold night I can snuggle into my pillow top, doona and electric blanket. I may never come out of hibernation. Until... Next weekend.

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Today I bought a coffee plunger for the coffee beans Margaret gave me. I am impressed with how nice it is. I rarely drink coffee at home but needed to perk myself up! Yummy.

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1.54 pm. Up and at 'em as Bobo won't let me sleep. He is lonely. So we are sitting outside. He is gnawing his huge bone under my chair. I had the remainder of the stir-fry for breakfast/lunch. Beautiful day!

Still hungry but need to buy food. Ugh! I abhor supermarkets. I am still tired too.

14 May 2015

I am freezing cold tonight. Sitting in lounge wrapped in an old sleeping bag, with Socks beside me making strange old man noises of general feline contentment.

Little moans and groans and snoring and sorta heavy breathing. He actually gave me a hug earlier by stretching his forepaws out across my chest. Lovely boy.

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8.21am. I have barely slept. I chatted to Nigel until 3 am. Spent til 4.30 am struggling to set-up my new Netflix set-up box. Drove me insane as I was not getting it right as I had the wrong remote lol. Then I went to bed, utterly shattered. I have to take the car in for a service (at long last!) at 1.30pm.

I am wide awake but still tired. Bloody hell. Netflix looks like it is gonna be awesome. 6 months free.

Happy grateful woman here. Now to snooze for a few more hours.

14 May 2014

I had my 3 weekly debrief. Always feel better after that. I have been out making a fire in honour of the Full Moon. Made my manifestation wishes...oyyy! One day they will come true!

I did quite a bit of washing too, but it will all smell smokey from the fire. Oh well!

I just had a shower to wash all the smoke out of my hair. The garden is looking nice. I might plant some more night flowering plants since I rarely see daylight any more. My night scented Jessamine is always a delight and the dragon fruit flowers were spectacular at night. Unfortunately I lost them all due to rain.

My Dr says I have PTSD +, a mixed Attachment style, a high level of Emotional Intelligence and highly intelligent. All that combined makes me the way I am.

He also reminded me that my Depression is seasonal and he expected me to slump and have a quiet period during winter while I gear up again for more wildness is spring. I said "Yeah, like a rabbit!" And we laughed.

He asked me what I liked about my current chap I am interested in. I said "I never know these things but it is nice he can string sentences together and enunciate! I got rather too good at translating Neolithic Diatribe with my former grunting partners! I can have a decent conversation with this one!" So my Dr says, "and he probably actually understands what enunciate means too!"

Sometimes I wish my Dr would be my life partner. This is called Transference so I am not going there. I can't risk my therapeutic alliance.

However my psychiatrist totally gets how my brain is wired, plus he gets my sense of humour plus he is always boosting my morale and validating me. He gets paid handsomely by the Australian govt to look after me but I must say he is fantastic, all the same. I am very fortunate to have such a kind supportive man in my corner.

As he said to me, I am looking for a real love as well as the passion and a man I can call my own and be a 'family' with. I wish I could accomplish these things but the kind of man I need in my life is not usually attracted to me due to my independence and ptsd and strength.

Well, we shall see what this Full Moon brings. If Hashem wants me safe and happy and adored, then it will happen, in time. As time is a human construct and relative I will have to bloody well keep waiting and hoping but most of all, dancing, cavorting and enjoying the rest of my life Hashem has permitted me. I deserve to be Wild, Free, and Happy.

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Hauled out of bed...reluctantly. Showered, hair washed...rushed to bus to get to my wonderful psychiatrist for my 3 weekly debrief. Crystal has my car all week which is rather annoying.

She promised to pick me up after my appointment. There is something insane about being picked up in your own car that you fought for like a demon to get the money for, for 2 1/2 years.

She is saving to go to Europe while I am broke and having to share my car with her. At least she helps with the rego.

I am thinking if this keeps up I should sell the car and go to Europe myself. Lol! Oh well Mother's Love runs strong and deep. Things you do to keep your kids happy and employed.

14 May 2013

I saw the Preview of Metamorphosis starring Crystal as the mother last night. It was awesome and her acting superb. Very happy proud Mother here. It is playing at The Shed every night until Saturday. Just wonderful!

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My Mothers Day was weird and Spiritual and will go down in my personal history as the most unusual Mothers Day ever! Still processing all of it in my head!

One reconciliation, one new Connection, several emotional triggers by an arse on Paltalk. Lots of lovingkindness from my beautiful friend Ducksta to heal me from the psycho "healer".

Then I met up with Gail and Tayhlia for the first time in 8 months, which was nice.

Then I went out and danced and met a very unusual man. (Well that is nothing new as all the men I attract are highly unusual!). So more triggering but in a good way :-).

Events unfolded thick and fast and boy, was I tired after all the mysterious triggers, frenetic activity and kaleidoscope of emotions.

Last night I went to see Crystal's play with Jarrod and Kristian and we had a fabulous time together.

Proud and Happy Mother here. :-)

Update 2020:

I hesitated to share this but then remembered who the connection was. “Dead Elvis” who frankly was a user and should just remain “Dead” but Mama T let him in at that magickal moment as she lived for decades as a Zombie so understood the trauma and suffering and the mad clown’s need to make fun with that.

He popped back into and out of my life on 26 May 2018 to tell me he was in AA and had taken my advice to get his shit together. So I was happy for him. But he was incapable of being decent to me so there is that.

Anyway he was not my true love. So I told him to stay away for another 5 or even ten years but really I meant forever as The Tanya is incorporating her Dickhead Free Zone.

My trueeee love played a much longer game with me and well… well... it’s endless and in the lap of some very determined Maori spirits who mysteriously have entered my life recently and insist it’s all going to happen soon.

The spirit world don’t live in human time constructs or always comprehend Free Will so The Tanya is sitting back and cooling her heels.

I have had some lovely few weeks with children visiting me with their mother, delighting in my pets and garden and bringing their own magick.

Life is good. Even without my Beloved in it.

14 May 2012

Karen Reviews: Hey Tanya. How did it go today?

Me: I got shafted. I agreed to settle for $159K. My lawyers cut their costs from 140K to 100K to put 40k into my hand. Scherers agreed to give me 19K only but I keep Mum's chattels and these stupid worthless Solar Air Conditioners they used as leverage for past 2 Years.

So now I have to wait a few months to get my money. My sister, after declaring me dead last Oct has written a nasty email to my lawyer so she may try to cause probs for me getting my paltry settlement which is disgusting as she walked away from the fight last year.

So I am shattered as you would expect but it's almost over now so I can hit the Restart Button on my Life's Computer Program and put the past associations with my family behind me and bury it.

New Life, new me, Finally Free of all their ugly dirty lying Slanderous betrayals and Bullshit.

Karen Reviews: That sucks... but 59k is way better than the $1000 you started with though, just think about that. You will feel so much better once this is all over. Treat yourself to something really really special! I feel like vomiting that the lawyers get 100k of YOUR money. How revolting!

Me: Yes and told me they would not fight on for me as it was no longer a commercial prospect so if I chose to keep fighting I would have to Self-represent and a smug Good Luck with That comment was added to my vast Violation and devastation as well. Seems everyone had a ride on my arse and once the Milch Cow dried up they "slaughtered" me as well. Just disgusting but at least it is soon to be over.

Sally Castle: So sorry to hear this Tanya. I suppose it being over will be good but it is very sad that your lawyers took so much. They must be absolutely heartless. 😞 Keep strong it has to get better from here. x

Me: In the end the most hurtful thing of all is my lawyers caved for the money and are giving me 'charity' of 40K from their rightful costs so actually think they are doing something good for me.

They let those lying slanderous Bitches Win and in the end wouldn't fight for me any longer so the whole Family Provisions thing that I had a legal right to more money was a big fat lie since they would not go on to fight for it. It's just too awful to contemplate and why does this keep happening to me?

14 May 2011

Extremely tired, disappointed and dissolute! But Tomorrow is Another Day in Paradise, so I shall eat and be merry, breathe in, breathe out cos millions won't have that opportunity tomorrow or any other day, and live in the Cosmic Conciousness of the Here and Now!

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I've finished reading The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, and enjoyed it's spiritual epithets, but the Reality is......Dust Dust Dust! We are Spirits having a Physical experience and constantly craving for the MetaPhysical and man, all that gymnastics and leaping off tall buildings in a single bound....way too much hard work for me. Off to Psychedelic Dream and hopefully I will Wake Up!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons