Memories: 13 May 2025

13 May 2025

6:30 am it’s been raining but the sun is blearily peeping through. Another day in “Paradise”. I pick up my new little boy friends today. Kermie and Beau. A new chapter of birdy love begins. 🙂

Just upon awakening a few minutes ago, spirit reminded me that some people/souls are put on earth to be anchors. To hold the line as reality fragments and fractures and dissipates out into crazymaking nonsensical illusions and/or delusions.

To bring solid stolid pragmatic harmonising to a flailing broken world paradigm. To catalyse the dross and cast it out…leaving only the purity and essential qualities to any recipe or creation or construct. Knowing what to keep and what to throw away.

But anchors get dragged along the sea floor in turgid vicious seas. Or caught in rocks and coral. Sometimes needing to be cut free, left to grow barnacles and merge into the seascape.

Only the merfolks know where we languish. But an anchor knows its function, to steady the ship, to hold the vessel at its course in unknown waters. To prepare for the next direction. So on we go. Set free of each other. Trusting we will steer a good ship across the Multiverse and Captain, oh my Captain will find his way. :-)

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A big Welcome to Sacred Space @Titania’s Realm!!! Kermie the Indian Ring neck and Beau the Cockatiel. Muahhh!

Kermie has much a bigger cage but I couldn’t fit in my car so Avril will pick it up for me. Thank you to Phoebe for your lovely birds and Avril for suggesting I give them a new home.

Update: I decided to collect Kermie’s cage. It took a bit of wrangling but Phoebe and I fought our way to get it in my car. The hilarious part was, when in exasperation, I said “We might need a man with a trailer” then Phoebe pushed extra hard then said “When you said we need a man…I knew we simply had to just DO it!!!” High five to the Sisterhood. Women can Do anything! (Those of us forced by life’s vicissitudes to have to manage alone and without one! Lmao!

Kermie was so happy when I brought his big cage in. He walked right inside it when I set it up and put his smaller cage next to the doorway. Clever boy. Then he started vocalising and even started playing with his bell I had just given him. Happy Bird….Happy Mama T. Little Beau the cockatiel has a lot of attitude too, just like Beauregard. Delightful!!!

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Grateful for the love, the blessings, the benevolence bestowed upon me in these strange and dark times. Aho! Amen v’selah!

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I Looovvveee “The Handmaids Tale”!!!! Season 6 is awesome!

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9:24pm lol watching a German horror movie “Cuckoo”. I hear a man walking into a house saying “Verflugt Noch Mal” (dammit) and “Scheisse!” (shit). It instantly transported me to my mother cussing like a sailor denied shore leave. I burst out laughing.

People often criticise me for swearing but it’s my fucking Mamaloschen…Babies. I had a full vocabulary in vulgarity by the time I was 4 years old. I can swear in several languages. I am a cunning linguist.

Aww but I haven’t heard anyone say “Verflugt noch mal!” since Gisela lost her brain synapses and turned to mush with Alzheimers. Ja! Even her terminal disease was German. FML.

13 May 2024

A beautiful sunny day! I sat in the garden and stripped elderberries which I am freezing down. I might make cough lozenges from them, or syrup or even wine!

I am tired but happy.

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https://youtu.be/GwUvCf-xxz8?si=_shd722FCWJxDDNF

My de facto step father laboured in the camp Mittelbau Dora under Wernher Von Braun’s command. Never forget where NASA rocket knowledge came from…mass death of innocents forced into slavery to build the V1 and V2 rockets.

Tortured, starved, thirsted (they drank moisture off the tunnel walls under the mountain or at times drank their own urine!), beaten, worked literally to death, raped (by high ranking Nazi officials) and often shot for attempts to sabotage the production line.

Cees told me one prisoner who had been a doctor by profession was shot in the face for arguing with a Nazi officer, that an enormous steel door could not be lifted by two men and would require four men to lift it. After he was shot, rather poignantly and ironically, two men barely managed to lift those fucking steel doors.

Fear is a great motivator! Innit?!

The knowledge of the raping going on in that camp came to me at Cees’s funeral when another camp survivor Leo Fontaine informed me, asking me why it was that only the handsome men had survived? “Say no more”, I told him. It explained a lot.

13 May 2023

Resting today. Not well. Pushed myself too hard.

13 May 2022

Good morning! The Tanya has scraped 7 hours sleep (from 3 am until 10 am). Phew. That will keep me from the bottom of the abyss and hold my mind, body and spirit together.

I woke up thinking I heard the postman’s motor scooter. Dragged myself out of bed, threw on a dressing gown, but alas no. I am in a state of excitement over bubkes. Twitterpated.

(Ahh I hear him again so not going crazy!)

Anyway I also had the refrains of the song “Landslide” washing through my synaptic impulses. It’s been on my brain now for three days, on a loop. I actually survived a serious landslide as a 6 month old infant when half our house in Holloway Road Te Aro, Wellington NZ slipped down the hill. Half my nursery disappeared.

The Tanya as always “charmed” by some Angel, was in the remaining part of the boudoir. Anyway, the words keep echoing “I’ve been afraid of changing cos I built my life around you” and “people get older, I’m getting older too”.

Yeah, it’s weird but I never expected to get this old at all, especially given the multitude of times I kissed Death’s hairy eyeball….Lady Death chimes in…”I do not have a hairy eyeball, thank you very much!”…alright then, just a fickle fingering of fate and a damn odd sense of humour, and of cosmic timing….

Gahhhh.

Anyway, the song won’t leave me alone until I pass on the message. It might not be just for me. Don’t fear the Reaper. Don’t fear changing, or getting older, don’t build cardboard castles of tasteless empty beige rooms of other people’s dreams, goals, aspirations.

Make your own life so beautiful that the song lines of the land will sing your spirit for eternity. (Okay, okay, a bit grandiose that last statement but if you build your life around other people you are going to lose your heart and soul eventually as humans are fickle creatures and their love is as unreliable as vapour. The harder you try to hold the mirage, the faster it slips away.

It’s not until you love your own being enough and strengthen your own fortress with a formidable fortitude of firm foundations, with granite walls that stretch up into the ionosphere and an open mind and open roof that allows blessings, inspirations, reconfigurations and joy to pour down upon you until you change and Become all you can wish to be…truly alive and full of hope and courage and grace.

Weeeelll….it’s a work in progress and I have rebuilt from shattered dreams and horror-scapes before. In peacetime, no less! When other women died or went seriously insane.

So I am no ordinary mortal. No one truly is. We just have to tap into our magick and our majesty. Although it would have been kinder if I had not been thrown to the wolves so often that I had to tap tap tap, scrape scrape scrape myself back together for decades.

But yes, landslides and abysmal abysses have great and powerful gifts and teachings.

Live life abundantly and joyously and love the ones that love you truly and hold them precious. Have no fear, The Tanya is here (even if occasionally she is sleep deprived, or hypomanic so half out of her mind) but her solid fat hobbit body is holding her to the ground and her spirit is soaring over the mountain…watching and waiting for the next direction like a murmurating swallow in synchronous flight with the crowd.

I am the one that flies off beat, a little out of line or out of sync with the rest, which is why I fail so spectacularly but that too means I see what the masses do not see in their frenzy to belong.

Change is in the air. I can smell it. I pray it’s a positive benevolent loving thing for our planet and for little old me too.

Have a gorgeous day, people! Love you😍

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2:11 am I went to bed at 11 pm feeling so exhausted I thought I might faint. I lay down on my bed and instead of passing out into slumber I became rocket fuelled instead.

Still lying here, wondering what is wrong with my brain. I felt tired and drained all day yesterday after my efforts in the previous two days making hooks from silverware.

I can’t believe I am not sleeping! Insomnia is crazy making!

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2 years later and the work “mahi” the spirits of my maori cousin’s grandparents were alluding to, has manifested. Me working on making jewellery from flatware. I exhausted myself yesterday so had to rest today. I was completely drained. So baby steps…I am as usual too late or too old but I can only try. And keep trying!

13 May 2021

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Next project. I am going to unscrew the brass edging from my mother’s broken Italian inlaid drinks trolley. (It broke when Crystal borrowed it for one of her plays. No doubt it was partially broken anyway, with age).

The craftsmanship of the timber is exquisite.

So I am going to try to cut out the ornate centrepiece and glue it on top of my cutlery canteen I just bought for $45. I think it will look lovely. Upcycling this piece will feel good as it has been lying around in it’s broken state for several years now. (The play was in 2015, and the season ended on the night Crystal flew to Ireland).

Waste not want not. It’s been in my family for decades. It’s time to make it useful again.

13 May 2020

Several phrases I received today which I can’t make sense of:

Whata naunau

Or I may have heard it wrong as it could be whitianaunau (entrance to Te Reinga)

Mahi atua Toke nau (god’s work it’s yours)

Mahi atua toko. (Work of gods support)

Tu pae ru. (Stand Up)

Anyone knows what these phrases mean?

From the comment section:

Megan: Mahi is work, atua is a God...the work of the Gods, could relate to the environment

Me: Megan, Te hui spoke “mahia Tua Toke Nau”

Toke means vulva Nau means belonging to you. Tua means other side or back. So it did not make sense but there were various meanings for each word so I was hoping someone knew what the words put together mean idiomatically.

The whanau are cryptic and make me work for their messages which is cute and hilarious.

They were emphatic that this message was private but I got curious about the Maori meanings. They know my curiousity kills the cat, or perhaps Toke!

I asked for proof I was communicating with Te Huihuinga so she said “whata naunau” But that has no translation but Whitianaunau is the gateway to Te Reinga where the spirits depart from Aotearoa so I then understood she was saying she is real and speaking to me through the portal of Eternal life and death or as we usually say “beyond the veil”.

Parata got very emphatic towards the end of the communication and spoke clearly in English. I was having trouble believing what I was being told. One of my blocks I suppose ...not believing when good things are promised as I am so used to sabotage and disaster and treachery.

But it seems the whanau are sincere as their message is consistent. They keep saying I have Manatoa. I asked if I was going to be put in yet another danger situation and they said No. We see you and honour your spirit.

So I was rather relieved to hear that as frankly it took me this long, almost 11 months to recover from that last horrible “mission” having my gall bladder sliced out of me and the epic fight that came along with that. I just can’t do this anymore: fighting for basic human rights and justice when I am literally “wounded”. FFS!!!

But then we all know what I am like as I have been at war with one thing or another all my life (in peacetime no less!) and my spirit/personality will simply not tolerate any abuse on my watch! Either directed directly at me or in the presence of others. I just go berserk when that happens.

So Parata tells me my happy ever after is happening Now and my dreams are coming true and yet I still find it difficult to believe because at 55 it seems improbable even though I have been manifesting and praying and wishing and hoping like a crazy Bitch for years lmao!

I just woke up and thought Catharsis or Catalyst like a cocktail of chemicals bubbling over. Hmmm. Happiness is Mine and I am worthy of it. Been fighting for it all my life.

Even in my former longgg zombie state I clutched at any scraps or brief glimpses of happiness and serenity.

Happiness truly is an Inside job but I had to scrape it together like a poorly formed Golem then walk my Walk and turn on the heart light and reanimate myself from too many personal ground zeroes and the global catastrophes that keep unfurling.

Jesus! No wonder I am tired!!!

Megan: Tanya Arons they aren't tricksters whatsoever cuzn, really upfront stand by their words kind of people, they loved my Mother Ngawi very much.

Me: yes Megan but tricksters can hijack other spirits and pretend to be them. So I am worried.

I know they are upstanding people and quite firm with me. Especially at the end when he repeated everything to me as he knows I don’t believe it. (Hint: it was about my lovelife!)

I tested his spirit and he replied he was a good Christian man which I knew from updating his details on Ancestry!

So “work of god” then the next words “Toke Nau”.

And later toko...means what?

(I think the spirits were literally telling me to get off my arse and do “god’s work” ie co-create my little space on this planet!) The inspiration to learn silversmithing arrived in no uncertain terms, in a rather unusual way in January 2021.

So here we are! I am peddling as fast as I can on my unicycle with the Hand of God upon me. At times it’s crazy making but others, whimsical and fun..as long as I don’t fall off my perch!

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I have reached the story in the Franz Kafka book called Metamorphosis! This story has layers of meaning. For me personally as I am definitely in the process of intense metamorphosis or rather the long awaited Becoming, and also I have the fond memories of Crystal playing the Mother in the play adaptation some years ago.

It’s amazing how life brings you through cycles only to present you the same message over and over again until you have finally learned the lesson or garnered the wisdom or finally kicked it to death as it no longer resonates. But we are all living through challenging times and we are all in various states of conscious awareness.

I remember when I was just so much squalid mush in my little chrysalis form of denial and psychiatric-medicated fucking ATROPHY. Then chomping my own teeth down with severe reinvigorated trauma issues and shuffling and drooling like a comatose Zombie in an asylum in Hell.

But here I am, four years (on 2nd June) clear of psych meds. No longer actively suicidal although I still have my dark moments.

Surrounded by so much love that I am just in awe (Margot and the little ones visited me this afternoon and when they left asked for a hug and I was so worried, I asked Margot’s permission for them to hug me as this virus bs has us all in fear. They are so tiny they could only hug my waist so it was not like we were gonna breathe on each other.

Receiving sweet innocent hugs from small children made my afternoon. Then I received a nice loving phone call from Crystal as well!

So our little magical efforts on Monday are already flowering. I feel so grateful and happy that I never gave up on magick or my own unique spirituality or on God/dess. I have felt cursed and betrayed and epically fucking tested for decades.

But I held on to whatever scraps of love came my way and also held on to my connection to the gods/spirits/ancestors that love me and finally in this ridiculously late stage of my life: everything is falling into place and I no longer feel quite so unappreciated or discarded, or devalued.

My eccentricity and my heart are merging into perfect resonance and by golly, even little children See me now. Universal love and high vibrations. The best kind.

From a base of affirmation that will Allow me to open my heart and mind for the impending committed adoring One. (Okay okay I am pushing it a little bit haha) trying to see where this all manifests and what goodly, most beneficial outcomes might still flow to me in peace, happiness, true love and better health and even perhaps, enough prosperity.

Most of all I am enjoying the newfound joy which I was so distrustful of for the past few years as I was so accustomed to being built up, only to be wretchedly torn down. In abuse/trauma cycles that cascaded like fucking floating effluent for decades.

Maybe now I have cleared some blocks, the flow will be less murky and treacherous and more lyrical, poetic noetic abundant Beauty and holiness and re-cognition for the journey I have been treadmilling on since early childhood.

Time will tell. I will continue on my zany Magickal weird Ride through life as after all, the gods have kept me here, even when I fought hard to join them on the other side. So Mama T must fulfill her Destiny after all! Psy sighs.

13 May 2019

So last night after the weird smashing down of the light bulb after turning on the light switch in the kitchen, another unexpected event occurred. An ending of a FB friendship with a young woman I feel I had always been supportive of.

Such is life. I will not countenance cruelty or disrespect. Especially when I have only been protective and loving.

While I was blocking and deleting I culled a few other “friends” that never interact.

I feel resolute in my decision. Getting older and frailer means I have no time for bullshit or superficial friends.

I find it interesting how my “lightbulb” warning message went off in such a spectacular way. No doubt just a commonplace coincidence but it was unusual to have a lightbulb explode out of the light fitting like that.

Also unusual to have a reasonably long internet friendship implode the way it did.

I had a lot of spirit messages on Friday morning also which actually came true by the evening so I guess I am riding some wave in my intuition or HaShem is preparing me for my next adventure or mission or new activation in my spirit. Whatever comes next.

I was gifted with a beautiful week of happiness which was delightful after the last 5 months of pain. So in the way my life usually goes that was an oasis in the timelines and it’s back to the emotional grinding, whetting of my spirit. Or perhaps it is a prelude of better times on the way? I will go with the flow.

I had interesting dreams this morning about what looked like Tibetan prayer wheels being turned in a temple. But I was instructed in the dream that the last face of the wheel is still missing and I may never complete it.

That would relate to my love life and my rather solitary existence on this planet. I have always been denied a safe loving partner that treats me with respect and truly loves me. It could change one day but I don’t have any high hopes or expectations for that. Too many betrayals and too much abuse over the decades.

Anyway I set the prayer wheels in motion and I was humbled and grateful in the dream, knowing that my prayers are heard even if my karma might not reach completion in this life.

So here we go...another day in Paradise. It’s Monday. I have just woken up after not being able to sleep until 4 am. 6 hours sleep.

All very good.

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I just finished watching Harem about a Kabbalist pervert cult in Israel. Disturbing.

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Just voted at pre-polling. 3 fascist parties on preferences ballot. A disturbing sign of our times. Fuck!

13 May 2018. Mother’s Day

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Crystal is in the downtown Brisbane sweatshop! See happy face below! She has happily sewn up four skirts for me. I helped by threading through the elastic!

13 May 2017

Debrief with my psychiatrist. Check. I was so ill with asthma he insisted I take my Ventolin.

Now home with fish and chips. Check

A nice hot Gluewein. Check

I know how to survive, even if just barely.

Breathe. Check.

He said I am good at keeping my integrity now. Progress. Noone will ever control or abuse me again.

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Gluewein. Brought up yucky gunk. But that was helpful. Now lying exhausted after coughing almost to death. More ventolin, seretide, Vicks on chest. Lying on couch watching tv but not concentrating. Backache from hellish coughing spasms.

I am one tough Broad. I am beautiful. Powerful. Healthy (lies but shhh manifestations in process). I am truly greatly Loved. I am in my own Integrity.

My body is on loan to me for this lifetime only. "They" can reclaim it and call me back to the 7th Heaven from the deepest darkest pit of the abyss. But they won't. I am far too entertaining to the gods.

What is one more bout of illness after a lifetime of it? Especially the past 6 months. Heebie Jeebies crap. My physical core is under attack but my Higher Mind flies free and laughs in the face of my debasement.

You cannot kill the eternal light that Shines. Broken, disintegrated, but deconstructed and reconstructed again and again. $6 million Woman. They can and have rebuilt me.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. Georgie Porgie ran screaming (again) when the Chicky Babes of Hellian Fury came out to play. Rumpelstiltskin wants me to Name him and threw an epic tantrum.

Sorry Mate. Fresh out of firstborns and second borns too. Concentrate on the Unborn Unsworn Unimpeded Integrated baddass Witches of Ye Olde. Lmao!

(Can you believe I do this without drugs, even pharmaceuticals???). Marvellous brain dying fry!

13 May 2016

I rang my childhood friend, Lynne this evening. We had a lovely long chat. So good to be in touch again. :-).

Now I need to focus on making my bed and getting showered and dress for dancing tonight.

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8.46 pm. Woot! Crawling on floor under my bed with a torch. (Am changing sheets and making bed too). I found my diamond nose stud. Phew. It was under my cabinet beside my bed. I must have pulled it out in my sleep and flung it.

So happy to have it back! I missed it the past few weeks and had written it off as one of so much jewellery I have lost this year and last year.

My lucky diamond schnozz ring always comes back! I had to wash it though and I really really need to vacuum my bedroom floors. Lucky I hadn't yet or I might not have found the stud.

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5.55 pm. Today I spent time in the garden. I planted a blueberry bush in azalea potting mix as they are acidic. Transplanted the cherry tomatoes. Spent a few hours trying to get my bell siphon to work. Moved besser blocks I bought in Bunnings ($3.10 each, not $11 I thought they were) to support bath. Sorted nesting box for the silkies with clean straw.

I also bought some vegetable seedlings. Cabbage, lettuce and broccolini. Also some fancy antique looking globes for the lights I bought for my birthday. ( which I just discovered are the wrong fitting. Grrr!)

How crazy am I? I hassled the Bunnings staff to find me the screw in fittings. Then I got confused over prices and wattage. Then I bought cheaper ones with lower wattage as they were still pretty interesting looking.

Now I find I need a bayonet!!! Fortunately when I take them back there is a better range in the bayonet style.

13 May 2015

It's finally over. The love affair that was fledgling that Lana kicked to death with her malicious actions and lies.

She got a $1000 fine from the courts for her vindictive harassment but she managed to do epic damage to me anyway.

I hope the evil Cunt dies. She has caused me untold suffering because of her envy and spite.

In the end, a real man would have stayed loyal anyway. He did stay loyal until she was fined. Now he throws her evil bs in my face.

Well, I am only accountable for my own actions. I didn't do anything to make Lana scumbag do what she did. I was actually good to her. Oh well, this year has seen many friends and acquaintances fall by the wayside.

The final cut which is the deepest is losing the man I loved with all my heart. A love I haven't allowed myself to feel in years.

I guess I never had a chance with the sabotage all around me and the fact he never wanted me enough to claim me.

Crystal leaves in a week and a half. Another epic sorrow. The worst! Tonight she visited and we had dinner together and I had cuddles with Ramon and Sookie.

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10.25 pm Crystal just left with the bunnies. We are all driving to Grafton to take them to the Rabbit Sanctuary on Monday. Another very sad day for this small family. I will miss them immensely.

Right now my heart feels like a razor blade has sliced at it.

I happen to know that hearts are a tough muscle. Really hard to cut up. I used to give sheep hearts to my cats until I couldn't stand the smell or touch of blood and goop and gave up giving hearts to cats.

I should really stop giving my heart to sociopaths too. Maybe next time he crosses my path at the casino it willhelp me to imagine him with a cold empty steel fake heart and imagine it just blows up or something. Or look at his face and imagine it rotting and putrid.

It is sad that I loved so much another cold ugly heart and soul. How the fuck do I keep doing this??? This is a train-wreck of loss. Seriously.

A dark star of evil breathed life into my infant crib when I was born, that is for sure. I never had a fucking chance. From whoa to go!

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13 May 2014

Feeling rejected, abandoned and unloveable. So what to do? Go to sleep I guess and see how I feel tomorrow. It's just a delayed reaction. And tomorrow I will get me some Chocolate. Chocolate helps a lot :)

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Curious, bizarre, insane in the membrane, down the rabbit hole, cosmic joke and all that shebang! Got an apology! At 3 am! Oh well. Honour amongst thieves, absurdist love triangles and shit. I get the shitty end of the straw, of course!

I am destined to be unloved but an apology was rather unexpected. So that was nice. Meanwhile my quest for a true unsullied devoted warm genuine caring, full-bodied, devoted, faithful man in my life continues... My personal Fucking Holy Grail.

The cup that has been denied me for 49 years. Here I thought it might overflow with love and chhh chh cccccommitment with at least a solid friendship. Blech!

I am glad I still have my integrity and self respect. It won't comfort me much on those sad lonely nights but it will help me age gracefully into my Cronedom of Misfit Single-hood.

At the end of the day...I still have the cats. :-)

13 May 2012

Jaw hurts. Mostly root canal issues again. Can't go to dental hospital as going to Court tomorrow morning. Hopefully Scherer will be removed as Executrix. Back sore too and my tattoo is peeling. I also have a big rash on my belly from being allergic to the tree I cut back 2 days ago and I bit my lip so hard it seems to be forming a cold sore! Life is just Fine and Dandy!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons