Memories: 13 June 2025

13 June 2025

8:25 am I just opened my eyes on the world. It’s another crisp clear morning. Coldd. Brrr! But it’s winter in Brisbane so it’s to be expected! It’s sunny outside. Blue cloudless skies, a light zephyr.

Time to drag my meat carcass out of my warm bed and greet the day! Or allow the day to greet me! Lyn is coming to visit today. It’s been a while since we saw each other!

…

I finally moved the “What not” out of the corner of my studio and birdy num num bedroom into the lounge. I think it looks even better here. More easier to see the collection of bits and bobs.

Little Kermie and Beau have wrought great changes at Sacred Space. I had to remove any precious breakables as when Kermie’s new cage arrives he will have free range of the room, from atop of the open top cage. (That’s the plan anyway!)

I deliberately left his cage door open this arvo so he could venture out but he must have just sat in the doorway opening, spitting corn everywhere cos when I came back in the studio there was corn all over the floor. But he was back inside his cage, looking at me suspiciously, while I was head down arse up cleaning up his mess. Hahaha….funny guy!

Life …is for the birds. Oh well…it’s quite lovely really.

13 June 2024

7:52 am today I am going off the solefenacin that I have been taking for my overactive bladder. I have all the side effects without any of the promised remedy. Yuck. I feel systematically poisoned…again…by big pharma.

On top of that I saw a news report yesterday on YouTube that 5 states of Australia including Queensland, had alarmingly high levels of PFOS in our water supply. We are drinking it, it’s in our food supply and we are showering in it. It’s been dangerously high for a decade. So ten year olds have been systematically poisoned just by dint of needing water to survive.

The other week my tap water had such a strong chemical smell I was a tad horrified. It’s obvious that this is not just accidental.

I discussed it with my psychiatrist at my debrief yesterday. I told him I had been worried about our water supply for several years now. Since the Covid insanity began actually.

So I went straight to Garden City and bought a Brita water purifying jug. It probably won’t make much difference but I figure if I can flush out some of the daily toxins (including medicines that don’t work!) I have some chance at survival on this planet.

I am booked in for another sleep study on Tuesday night. This time they will trial cpap on me to see what is the best option. The Tanya feels like this is just another marketing strategy as the cpap machines cost up to $2K but the consensus is from my urologist, the sleep specialist and my psychiatrist is that cpap (having air forced into me all night to keep my airwaves open thereby ensuring better oxygenated lungs and better sleep will improve my bladder over activity and gift me another 20 years on this planet.

I am not so convinced. I have tried cpap back in 2003 to no avail. They tell me the “technology” has improved since then. So I will have the test and remain willing to save my own life…for now.

But to what end? A life of loneliness, poverty, ill health and now a cleverly targeted multi pronged attack on humanity which I was suspicious of all along…poisoning of our water supply. Farrrkkkkk.

Oh well, if the cpap works…I have a chance at a better quality of life. Frankly it’s a long shot. I am already older, fragile and weakened from years of poor health. But I have a powerful spirit and a determination to Thrive. So it’s kinda mind over matter which is how I survived this long (since early childhood).

My psychiatrist tells me he sees my strength and determination and he wants me to live another 20 and 30 years. Such is the power of his unconditional love and his own determination.

He says he saw it in my eyes in my recent photo I posted. He’s proud of me. For my strong spirit, will to live and my ability to keep going forwards in love, no matter what. Even when I know the Danse Macabre goes on and frankly it’s farcical but Dance I must.

So tomorrow night I Dance. I will let the music suffuse me, the love I carefully calibrate from inside my soul infuse me, the little trickster games that invariably get played, bemuse me.

I will unfurl my highest deepest most yearned for Love in an ecstasy of power so that I can feel beautiful and desired and respected in high honour, for just one more moment in the space-time continuum. A delusion, an illusion and at times, a confusion. But Mama T has enough breath and enough power to push herself through this latest recycling of health interventions to just bloody well…wait and see. Lmao.

A fusion with the gods. Life. L’chaim! Holding me precious no matter what, no matter who, even when it’s nonsensical, farcical and downright weird.

Update 13 June 2025: One year later… my health is improving somewhat. My quality of life is also improved. Fighting forwards with joy and delight. Grateful to my doctors, true friends and the spirits and ancestors that love me.

13 June 2023

I just watched “Woman King”. Powerful! Rise Up!

…

I am about to change my fb bio but I kinda like this one! Changing it to something more edifying. Upgrade your life…even if it feels like imposter syndrome. :-)

From this:

No Sympathy for the Devil. Haters gonna hate. Traitors gonna bait. But Mama T Done now !

To This:

Flow…unfurl all the beauty, joy, power from within your soul. Manifesto for Life. Love is the law!

…

https://youtu.be/dUCC434-rFo

…

…

13 June 2022

I am very weak today. Diarrhea, coughing up yellow phlegm. Fatigued. Short of breath. Nothing new. I have been struggling for over 6 months now and I don’t have COVID.

I tried lying in bed but felt miserable. So I got back out in the fresh air and sunshine to sit on the earth with my beloveds whom are very happy to see me. Especially Charley as she has been a tad neglected.

I feel very close to death and still have another cancer and a cyst to be cut out on Friday. Yuck. I wonder if the local anesthetic is causing the chronic diarrhea or if it’s just general weakness?

Anyway, I am not having a nice time of it. 57 years of very poor health. I am done.

So in the meantime between feeling “done” and unravelling my attachment to this earth we have the sunshine and the garden. Bliss!

Last night I bought another spindle so I will have two different types (the beautiful bottom spindle gifted me by Belinda) and a top spindle I got inspired to buy last night while watching a video on YouTube.

So I have not given up on life, on creativity, on the psychedelic dreaming…even if my body has given up.

Hopefully I turn the corner and wrest a few months or years out of life to create more lovely things and to have joy in my life again.

And if not….then someone will enjoy my little absurdist legacies.

13 June 2021

13 June 2020

11:11 am. Remember to smile. This too shall pass.

…

11:11 pm. Wow. More angelic synchronicities. I had another lovely day, in spite of the worry about both Penny and Socks. Socks is choosing to sleep outside on the pet bed and cushion I bought for it. He comes home in the morning to eat then disappears again.

Penny is quite unwell. I went to Bunnings and bought a plastic cover for the spare bed. Just to try to protect the bed until I get her to a vet. Which I am delaying for now. I put a litter tray in my bedroom as I worry constantly that she will pee in my bed again. (instead either her or Socks peed on the spare bed).

But Penny is currently lying on my bed beside me, purring contentedly. Bobo keeps chewing his paws. Another vet visit to find out what is causing the allergy.

But he had a lovely time playing with the little boys down the street.

…

Can’t sleep. Been in bed since 11 pm. A few snoozes. That’s it. But I slept until midday yesterday so hohum, swings and roundabouts.

Worrying about Penny. Geriatric cats are passing on, one by one. It’s painful.

I have my eye test again on Monday. To see if the macular degeneration is worse.

I will need to get Penny to a vet soon but I already know the outcome. Unavoidable. No wonder I can’t sleep. Love of my life, my familiar, is she!

13 June 2018

Every day since he was elected I have felt abject horror. He just is utterly clueless and has the articulation/vocabulary and political nouse of a toddler (complete with narcissistic tantrums!)

13 June 2017

Interesting I should see this post as I just had a very vivid and uncomfortable dream about being homeless, staying in a govt run hostel with a filthy toilet and meeting dozens of other women of varying ages, and situations and we were just milling around feeling lost and dazed like cattle.

Then I was telling people that I had to relinquish all my animals and everything. Other women had been forced into homelessness after being abandoned by partners. I was totally griefstricken for them also.

There were social workers there but they only focused on the much younger women and left me alone and I did not seem to mind much.

Weird dream. Very realistic, like watching tv. The people were new to being homeless as the grief and shock and confusion was palpable.

13 June 2016

* mother fucking TRIGGER WARNING!

Can anyone tell me what an abortion cost back in 1964/65? I was a failed abortion. Did Mummy Dearest ever get her refund? I guess she did when I helped her in dying for the last 18 months of her life. When Do I get my refund for being the spawn of Satan's bride? Where oh where was G-D in all of that?

Lmao! Or His.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I guess they had to keep trying. Bought and paid for: Michael Arons, Terry Rosilio, David Davidson.

Hell, even the Whore of Babylon cut a better Deal.

So here it is they sold my fate but came late to the party of consciousness. Haha! They were apes disguised as men with the hair to match. But they could not keep me down for long for the night is bliss and the day is long and still we Sing the cosmic song. Lines drawn in the fertile sand, on land, by sea and in the heavens above, they could not Love me - not ever enough.

My bride price bartered and bantered for free. My gift? My rage and my own rebirthing. Take me to Valhalla Sisters, on pride we rise, for unworthy men lay smited on the battlefield, Inglorious bastards, leave them to rot. For only Heros and righteous men will dine and sing and make love with us in the Hallowed Halls of Odin. I kid you not!

…

I was cut untimely from my mother's womb, and from cradle to my very own tomb I never was loved by the hand of a lover true, or the hands of men that touched me without a hand that was false or a betrayal profound or an abuse unbound.

So I know now what I refused to accept way back then that I was never meant to be born to a world of men.

So "angels" came to cleave to me but they could not relieve the misery, the mystery so they too fell by the wayside of my soul's yearning and my soul's grieving.

And here I sit amongst the dust, playing Joni Mitchell and cry I must. Scaring my dog with a loud vacuum to cleanse the filth of life's throttling thrust.

What cannot be cleared by machinery and tears will leave behind what was not inclined to leave this world of dross and dreck and perhaps even Shrek the ogre of muck will finally get to try his luck. By the gods, this poem sucks!

A Hoover!! A cougar! The unmothered wolfish howl for only the wild can hear my call. The rest! A Wall! Divided them and Me and I can see them climb but I wait, sublime for soon it will be my Time!

Emet! No regrets. The bricklayer is back. Build we must, for even bricks are made of dust.

….

A good day is when you wake up smiling, all fired up and riding high and you still have not killed anyone!

13 June 2015

5.45 am. Just texted Crystal. She sent me a photo of her hanging upside down, off the side of the castle, kissing the Blarney Stone. How awesome is that? I had no idea you had to be held by the legs upside down to kiss it!

Oh well, now she can be a professional Blarney artist. Lmao!

13 June 2014

Men are weird! Women are weird! I am weird! In love with myself and a dear sweet man who is intimacy dancing me into the arms of oblivion. (Or other men whom I don't want, don't need and had to get away from Lol).

I have danced my feet into arthritic cramps. My stomach hurts and I feel exhausted.

Thank G-d for Jarrod for rescuing me from St Lucia and our lovely breakfast together at Maccas.

The mojo was out of control. Even at Maccas some octogenarian with a walking stick kept walking around me 5 times to fantasise about me. Jarrod thought that was hilarious but I just felt creeped out. It was truly weird. Apart from the bizarre off-beat bad choices I have had the most wonderful week and loved my nights out.

…

Shabbat Shalom! Mojo is running high tonight. Full Moon :-). Loving the feeling of Mana!

…

13 June 2013

De Nile is a long River in Egypt which feeds the upper and lower Deltas.

De Truth will set you free. It may rattle the skeletons hiding in the closet, ruffling a few feather boas but I stand by the truth at all times.

How else can one reconcile our family histories, experiences and traumas. Lies serve only to create more harm to future generations oblivious to the DNA, race memory and mental health issues of their forebears.

By living in truth we also get to express and admire the higher qualities we found in our family or friends... if we find any?

I know who I am, what I was raised by and the few merits of my family of origin amidst all their abuse systems. I won't play pretend or let it all go. To let it go is to let them go and they created me this way and they know what roles they played.

Those who infer I am a Liar are only deluding themselves. Their loss!

13 June 2012

Sick! Sick! Good news is TV Antenna fixed plus two table lamps. Woohoo! Now need another $220 for putting up four lights in ceiling! Progress is slow but I am happy I know what I am working towards.

The pond electrical socket at the back of the property will cost $1418. Eek! I wants it bad, my precious but will have to wait awhile for that one.

…

Just watched latest episode of True Blood. Awesome! Now watching Bikie Wars, last episode. Also Awesome. I love Rednecks, Alternatives, Vampires and Werewolves and general Wildness! Aaaaaawhooooooooo!

13 June 2011

Here I was happily Facebooking when some antimalware Virus thing kicked me offline n ate my computer. Now it won't even boot up. so sad as I only got it back yesterday. Peter will have to look at it yet again. He's gonna hate me!

…

I miss the little caption box you used to be able to write funny things on under the profile picture on Facebook. Bring it back! You've stifled my creativity, my sardonic wit and my self-deprecating humour. Little Tanya is saying “Oh fuck it, just do it" or summat lak' tha. LMAO

….

Listening to Wendy Matthews up loud, partook of poffertjes and small handful of fresh raspberries from my vine with maple syrup, feeling a bit nostalgic for the Court meister (not sure why but will go with it til it dissipates) and enjoying the sunny day. Tittikakka strikes again!

…

Just came inside as the dusky cold air encroached, after planting out a Raspberry Tiger Rose which was doing crap all in a pot, pruning all the roses, and worm-weeing the whole garden in the hope that everything does amazing things this Spring.

Now feel tired and wheezy and cold and achey so more Ventolin and warm slippers for me I guess. Rum would be so much better.

…

Ueber Tired after a lovely day and have finished configuring the new computer that Peter built for me. It's awesome! Took me a while to learn to 'drive' it and at one point it was driving me but hey, that's the fun of computers. It's now 1.20 am, and I'm hungry and weary. Lasagne then beddy byes, methinks.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons