Memories: 12 June 2025

12 June 2025

7:00 am my breathing last night took a backslide. It’s jumping around like a gnat on a cymatic round table. Frustrating! But I woke up just now crystal clear! My brain fully synapsing. Ding ding ding went the bell.

Ratih is coming to clean at 10am and at 10:30 am I have a new mower man coming so I will have to show him the lay of the land.

Grateful for the assistance. I was getting stressed as they didn’t inform me the last one quit and left it a long time. Lucky it’s winter so the grass didn’t go berserk and run rampant. Keeping this grass under control is an exercise in hell, especially in summer.

It killed 25 mowers when I used to do the job. 25! It almost killed me too, even when I bought a brand new self propelling mower…I was not strong enough to wrangle it.

But that was then and this is now! I have support now. Everything is safe. Everything is working efficiently. Life is good. Breathe…Tanya! You’ve got this!

You are loved. You are safe. You are protected.

The golden morning light is reflecting from my neighbour’s house again. It’s got a cold wintry bite to it. The street between us is still damp and lurid. I have woken up early. So the day stretches beyond me like a mirage, a promise and fait accompli yet to be determined.

My lungs feel feathery…like they have been kneaded like bread dough, and punched down and remoulded. Golem lungs with “Emet” (Truth) symbolically written on my forehead. To be reduced to “Met” (Death) for my final breath.

My psychiatrist yesterday referred to my fury recently when I was so viciously betrayed. Like it was something to fear. I asked him “why do they fear me so very much? A woman who came in clean and clear and only loved”.

I had a right to be angry. I still do. I didn’t deserve that treatment. But it was only a repeat pattern of ALL the false atrophied perverted contorted disingenuous lovers/suitors/gameplayers I experienced before.

So no, I am not angry anymore. I know what is worth having…a real true love that protects and defends me and holds me precious. Anything less, is a waste of Time, Heart and Mind.

And I know who really loves me. I carefully curate that…preserved like a butterfly in amber. Held up to the golden wintry sunshine light, turn it in its pristine prosaic beautiful refractions, observe it, delight in it. Breathe into it…then watch it fly!

…

How do you find love in a dystopian poisoned hellscape? You don’t. You have to build it from the inside out! Manifest it! Co-create it with someone loving and wonderful and as Magickal as you are! Let it blow life back into yourself, your lover and your tribe. Hold that vision, that vibe. It’s got to be solid, tangible, congruent, real.

It’s got to be worth it. Giggles. Fuck off Fairground Attraction…I need to get off that hurdy gurdy ride. Rockin’, rollin’ going nowhere but to hell in a handbasket.

Recalibrate. Find my heart space blown open wide…sending out missives to the ones who genuinely care…and gently detach from the infested fetid rest.

Mama T! The Tanya! There’s no one better qualified to blow life back into the zomboid apocalypse! You’ve done that dance thousands of times. Shake it off…shape up! Head high!

Call your Angels/spirits/ancestors that love you into service. Your enemies are legion but they are weak and they know it. Shine bright. See with perfect clarified vision into souls…extricate the golden true ones. Whistle them up into line. Here we go…another fucking day in “Paradise”. Bring me Sleipnir…together we ride.

Hahaha. I just realised what it is they fear. My mind!

“Your courage. Your decency!”

Hahaha. Nevermind…life is beautiful. We’ve got this!

…

Feeling very loved and supported. Ratih has cleaned the floors and bathroom. I am dusting my bedroom. (still kitchen and spare room to do…arggghhh). My new lawnmower man has just finished. Everything looks schmick, tidy and refreshed.

I had a Telehealth appointment with my beautiful brilliant urologist. She said “I don’t have any work to do with you at the moment, Tanya!” I said “No, but you are deeply precious to me cos if my bladder turns horrific, you will be working on me very hard indeed. For now I am grateful and happy that I am only getting up one to two times during the night so getting better sleep and healing….!” Yayyy!

I am so happy! (Except for the weird urge to do dusting…) I joked with my urologist “I was not put on earth to do dusting but it has to happen occasionally!” We giggled!

Meanwhile I am staying alive in the style of John Travolta on Saturday Night Fever. Living my best life and striving as always to stay sane in the membrane. Walking and dancing through this world…alone or in great company!

…

4:40 pm it’s taken me ALL day (since 10 am) to wash down all the furniture and ornaments, my shoe cabinet etc etc blah blah blah in my bedroom. I am exhausted. I still have the spare room and the kitchen/dining area to wash down. OMG.

I want to run away from my own collections of dust-gathering madness. lol. Perhaps if I dusted more often it would not be such a laborious mind numbing task? Nahhhh. It would be the same, only more often.

I am starting to think minimalism might not be such a bad lifestyle after all. But I would be bored with aesthetic clinical ascetic surfaces. I like my art and collections of china, crystal and other oddities. It adds character and vitality to my humble home.

But dusting…..is hell….lol.

12 June 2023

3:12 am I woke up in a river of fire. Along the right side of my belly, where my bladder, spleen, and liver are situated was like a cool placid lake, an oasis in a boiling overheated corpus. Weird! Especially as the bladder and liver areas (gallbladder excision) have had major surgeries. Nothing to get fired up over!

So Hohum I cooled the rest of me down a bit by removing my two doonas and letting the cold night air heat exchange over my voluptuous volcanic flesh. I do this several times a night. lol! Menopause is a BItch.

I am glad I went dancing on Saturday night but I was utterly exhausted yesterday. Too much strain on my organs I suppose. The bones in my toes throbbed intermittently too.

But…I had several epic naps, (even falling asleep while grounding myself by lying in the grass yesterday!)

So all Good…all very good. Inhabiting this body is getting more and more interesting and precarious but I make it work somehow. I left my body several times during the dance and was well aware that I was not fully integrated. But that is when the Magick happens. The Zone of creativity and self healing.

The Shamanic trance states where I get reinvigorated, if only for a few days or when my muse descends inside my limbic system and kickstarts me again.

Grounding is good. I will do some more tomorrow. Also send out prayers for my beautiful life to manifest in all paradigms/dimensions and in 3D reality. With harm to/from none, with competition to/from none. in the Eternal Now…It is already manifest.

Yeah yeah whatever…back to sleep I go.

Love to all!

…

12 June 2022

4 am awake for two hours now. Should have gone dancing since I have excess energy in the night! 🙂

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Weird! I woke up at 2 am. Got up to pee, washed my hands. Crawled back into bed. I was lying here, watching a video on YouTube about two Asian men building by hand the most amazing swimming pool. Around 2:20 am I hear the tap start running in the shower. Slow loud drops of water at first. Then increasing. I didn’t use the taps in the shower/bath at all!

I lay here listening to it. Too tired to get up and turn the taps off. Thought to myself, buggar you ghosts! Turn the water off. It slowly petered out.

How is that even possible? Cold pipes? Actual spirits playing with water?

Anyway it’s stopped now. I need to get up again, as I am very thirsty. No rest for the wicked as they say.

12 June 2021

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10:50 am. Not long awake. Must have worn myself out sawing that pendant! Glad I stayed home as I had not realised how exhausted I was. Pushing myself beyond mortal ken is not wise and affects my internal organs severely.

I woke up from one of my awful tsunami nightmares in my childhood house in Island Bay (we lived across the road from the sea, 382 The Esplanade). It was an absurdist trauma dream as there were three snakes coiled up on the front garden in a direct line from each other... there are no snakes in NZ.

I ran upstairs to warn everyone that the tsunami was coming and to keep our pets inside as the snakes would bite them. I instructed everyone how to close all the doors and windows and had even brought in a very addled homeless man who did not want to be there.

I instructed everyone how to breathe in very deeply then hold our breath then push the air out of our lungs for the longest out-breath. (As if in real life that would save anyone from drowning in a massive tsunami ffs!!! Lol)

But I know what dying feels like as I have experienced that long slow yet mysteriously calm out-breath and had casually wondered if I might ever breathe in again. So possibly I was breathing like that in real life in my sleep. Phooey but sleep apnea is a pain in the.....lungs. Lol.

The dream continued with me telling everyone to remain calm as we watched the 30 metre wave curl just over our house.

The light was weird (a positive omen!) as the house was full of yellow or golden light and even though we knew Death was imminent we were contented in our Togetherness (plus I had naïvely convinced everyone that the water would pass us by and all we needed do was hold our breath!

Tsunami warning: get off your arse and run or drive or move countries if you have to...to the highest ground you can get to. Just saying!

My dreams are often absurdist but there are little kernels of truth in them if you know how to deconstruct them. Beware the snakes in the grass although they were trying to avoid the oncoming tsunami too. When the chips are down, gather as a community and keep each other comforted and safe as much as possible.

End of transmission! My brain is aching. Lol

…

12 June 2020

11:55 am just got up. I was exhausted after my maelstromic whirlwind yesterday evening, searching for the power base that was there the whole time. Lunacy! What else is sitting right under my Schnozz that I fail to recognise?! Lmao!

I know one thing from that exercise though. I have sorted my house so well that I looked in all the most absurd places and congratulated myself on my organisational skills as in each place I could plainly see the powerbase for the laptop was NOT there.

In the end it hit me like a 4 by 2 when I gave up and sat back down at my desk. I was so astonished at my stupidity that I saw stars!!!! Saint Anthony, the Irish Catholic Patron Saint of Lost causes and lost items smacked this dumb jewish broad up the side of my head.

“Don’t call on me for arrant stupidity” he says. Aight. I thought it really was lost to be sure! Forgive me?! So we spat in each other’s eyeballs and had a wee play fight. But thank you to the wise ones who knew I would get my shit together...eventually. Enough to try the patience of all the saints and goddesses and even the trickster Fae who no doubt had a bit of sport in that!

But today is another day. Friday. I need to dance. But I will have a shower and get dressed and find something to keep me amused today.

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One of my verkachte but much beloved cats has pissed on the spare bed this time. Whyyy??? They are driving me to distraction! Neither of them even inside. Must have been a kamikaze mission.

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I had a gorgeous afternoon: Laimee and her daughter Sophia, Margot and little Evie and little Susie visited and played with Bobo. They admired the garden and got to try the fruits of the coffee beans.

I walked home with Margot and we visited with her until it got dark.

I also had a brief visit from the young boy from around the block. I looked up in surprise to see him walking home in school uniform! I thought today was Saturday. Lmao.

He stopped to cuddle Bobo who had been waiting eagerly at the gates. Very cute! His name is Harrison. His grandparents are Dutch and Irish. (He mentioned his Opa!)

I feel very happy with all the lovingkindness and the little impromptu visits from people in the neighbourhood.

…

I had a lovely long chat to Crystal on the phone. Told her about our French ancestors and Scottish ones. She found it interesting.

She asked me what time she was born and wanted to make a note of it on her birth certificate. Cute!

She has bought a new mattress which will be good for her back. I need to buy one too. Maybe when my bonus comes if there are any sales. I can manage for a while longer anyway.

12 June 2019

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I went to Bunnings and bought collets to fit the fine jewellery drill bits. Omg! Having the right fitting tools means I can actually get my little jobs done so much easier.

I also bought Araldite glue to make my wand with, and a long nosed pliers. Also some potting mix for the garden. (Miss Betty keeps digging the potting mix out of pots. I think I will have to scout op shops for cake/biscuit cooling mesh to put on top of the pots to keep that infernal hen out!)

…

Gosh I am exhausted. I spent all afternoon and evening, drilling bits of jewellery and glue-ing some things. While watching Gaia shows about Ayahaucsa. Interesting. I would not mind trying that some day to heal my complex ptsd. But I would need to have absolute trust in my guide as I have a tendency to schitz completely out, even on Cannabis.

However the synchronicity of these shows being shown me is not lost on me. Especially as I have been asking G-d to heal my mind/body/ spirit so I can live a healthy full life (even at this late stage!)

So I watched the shows with great interest. Ultimately my brain will heal me when I give myself permission to be all that is of my fullest potential. When I trust myself completely and allow good kind beings of Love light and universal consciousness to heal me.

You know we are capable of manufacturing our own dmt in our own brain? I think that I have had some “infusions” each time I have almost died. I seem to be getting better at owning my own bullshit and seeing through others.

Maybe that is a by product of getting older.

Anyway I need to get my body to integrate itself and stop craving so much comfort food. Tonight I made a big pot of rice pudding. I ate two bowls and put the rest in the fridge for tomorrow.

I had a nice quiet day. I took Beauregard and Charlie to the newly renovated and expanded small dog park. We had a nice time til some guy decided to join us, which was annoying as he was in the large dog area. I can’t trust Bobo with other dogs so we left immediately.

On the walk home Amanda called out to me from her car, waiting at the lights so I stopped to chat briefly. (She had jokingly called out “Hey sexy woman!” and I almost ignored it but recognised her voice. It’s funny that my women friends think I am Sexy but men don’t. But all good. I feel safer that way lmao!

Anyway I better make my bed which I partially stripped to wash the linen.

My cousin Melvin Kelly messaged me. He is coming down from Cairns next week so wants to catch up for lunch. So that should be nice. I haven’t seen him for about 2 years.

He is actually a cousin once removed as he is my former father’s first cousin. But they never met each other and why split hairs? It’s funny how I try to remove myself from Interacting with actual blood relatives. (Except for my daughter)

Old traumas are hard to break I guess.

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The last few days have been intense. My closest family resented me even looking at them over dinner. (What the fuck???) I was treated like a malignant child and considered walking out of the restaurant. I will honour my Impulses next time. Time to “Break the Spell”.

Then yesterday I had coffee at Amanda’s little nook and our friend who has mental health issues had taken a major dive. We all talked about rather dark topics so that was rather weird and a tad sadistic.

I came home exhausted and shaking and had a bit of a panic attack. I rang Lyn and she soothed me as she knows how to do after 30 years of solid friendship.

She reminded me that none of the abuse I experienced recently or in the past actually had anything to do with me and the culpability resides with the abusers.

I am so tired of toxic love. It’s like living in a snake pit waiting for the next vicious bite then draining all the venom out of me so that I don’t die.

I need to make drastic changes and keep my integrity and authenticity. If a mother can’t look at her adult daughter with affection over dinner there is something majorly wrong.

Lyn is right. I need to break the spell. The same spell that denies me a loving sexual partnership with a kind supportive genuine man as well. The same spell that makes my own remnant family turn rabid on me just because I love them so much.

Love. Turns to dead chalk-like bones in my life when it turns toxic. Dead zombie love. I am done trying to blow life into dead people with no heart and soul. Done and dusted.

I have worked hard to keep myself alive and to show up in my life and to keep my tiny family in my life. But if I am not wanted or so bitterly resented. Well... fly away, my pretties. Take your hatred and garbage elsewhere. I am alone and that is okay. My heart is kept for those who cherish it.

So this morning, it’s another gorgeous day. The light in the garden streaming through the trees is almost magical. Life finds a way. I am going to bless this day and enjoy it.

I will not live in the shadowlands of other’s vapid cruelties. I will not be erased or invalidated by my own adult child. Or anyone.

I am a powerful beautiful woman of great internal strength and with love enough to protect and nourish myself after every callow disappointment.

If I have chosen to love others, they should honour that. If it is devalued...it’s not my fault. I will continue to love. Beyond time and space. Someone always finds it. Keeps the memory of it alive. Long after it has been turned into an ugly thing.

Maybe I am only meant to be loved from a great distance. Since I am so untouchable and now, even my eyes cause distress. What do they fear that I might See?!

Interesting. Sound and vision in the electric blue psychedelic dreamer’s seamless Dream. Screaming into the Void of the approach-avoidant and the sadistic.

Yes. Wither away under my Eye.

It would be hilarious if it were not also so fucking horrific.

12 June 2018

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Feeling weak and having trouble walking after pruning back the heliconias and cutting them up in the compost heap. I had to have a short nap then forced myself to take Bobo for a walk. It was difficult walking back from park. I am exhausted and really have not done that much. Hmmm.

I am gonna have to keep resting this week.

12 June 2017

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12 June 2016

Another wild night dancing. But I crashed and burned so came home at 3.30 am. I did a load of washing, ran a very hot Epsom salt bath. Went to sleep at 4 am.

Now awake again at 5.46am. Mentally clear but feet spasming bad. My mind and body are not in synch. So now some Seroquel and that might allow my brain to rest for a few more hours.

I had one helluva workout, as I danced energetically for 3 hours before the energy seeped out of me like a flushed toilet cistern.

Jo saw me almost collapse with exhaustion. So I went to get a cappuccino at the 7-11 then came back to validate my parking card. Then walked back to the Myer Centre then drove home. Zombie state from exhaustion.

It is good to be home. Penny is purring loudly in my bed, beside me. I finally had a little cry over my hopeless love life. She comforted me. Love is four-legged and unconditional.

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I woke up at 11.30 am. Not much sleep. Feel heavy and dizzy. But I have been outside, hanging more washing, fiddling with the back fish pond. So tired! I think I will go with the flow. Fits and starts of alertness then rest. Sooner or later, when the meds have finally left my body I will come back into some sort of balance.

At the moment I feel like I am dying and David the Devo is dragging me to the other side. His collusion with my mother and Buck cost me everything, including my daughter, Jasmine.

She felt abandoned by my great love for him so acted out by shoplifting and that spiralled into hell. Her, narcissistically manipulating me and Crystal in my poverty and me trying to finish the job of raising her without killing anyone, including myself, Took its toll.

I considered calling her to tell her he is dead. But it won't change anything. Her fucked personality is stamped in concrete and carved in ancient bloodlines. Too late to turn hatred and sociopathology into love.

David: "I really admire Jasmine. She is her own person. She won't let anyone manipulate her".

He saw a kindred spirit perhaps. She was one of his kind. Full of greed and loathing for anyone perceived to stand in their way. Line 'em up and knock 'em down.

Well here I am still standing after the millionth time, I got up again. But I hear it on the wind and in my soul. I don't want to get up any more. I don't want any more trauma or battles with nasty mindless drug-fucked low-life miscreants. Not one of my enemies were worthy of my love or my fight.

Shhhh! Self-soothe. Ssshhhh.

Today is another day of healing and loving the rotten carnage of the desecration of my soul.

A few months after my last suicide attempt last August I was in a chat room in Paltalk. The room owner (I have known him as two-faced, an anti-Semite and a nasty man), after welcoming me back to Paltalk asked me matter of factly "I thought you were dead! Are you telling me you are not dead yet?" I said "Yeah well, you get that".

Julie told him "I saved her". He said, vindictively "What for?" Julie replied calmly and patiently as though responding to a petulant child that has lost his lollipop "For her true Destiny, of course".

That shut the evil little cunt up but at the time I was still reeling from the fact that I was still alive and still kind of angry about that. Destiny, I thought. What fucking fucked up Destiny? I have had enough bullshit.

But I healed from the shock of so many wishing me dead and Relished in so few magical beautiful wise spirits, like Julie, Jarrod and Lyn cheering me on and carrying me if they had to. That is true love.

Then the spirit of David Davidson alerted me to the fact of his death. (I wonder what he died of?)

Is this my destiny? To see that G-D loved me enough to let me see the final lynch pin in my familial abuse be smited before me? Is that my gift for believing in karma and natural justice. For believing in Love and the bonds of Love that bind us for eternity.

I cut another liar loose this morning. The Davidian line should have stopped with my father, and then David Davidson.

I don't have any strength left in my heart and soul for another betraying piece of shit. I expect, as my father is 88 that this last goodbye was preparation for when he dies.

David Davidson admired my idiot father greatly based on the fact that he had read Ouspensky, Blavatsky and Gurdjieff. Haha! He really resonated with another abuser as "Like Cures Like".

David Davidson you evil cunt, you can take my father to Hades with you but this bitch will not cry over either of you. I cried enough.

…

Lie 1000333 I have told myself over the years, many many times.

There is no reality more enriching than loving yourself and not waiting for someone to love you enough. In my case it never happened and now I am 51 it ain't going to. I have to be satisfied with that.

Grateful for the love between friends who are my only true family, my one remaining daughter, (even if she is often ambivalent) and my pets. Oh, and the garden and the wild and free ones of course.

Thank you G-D for what has been gifted, revealed and sealed. No more fighting against my own Destiny. It just brings me unending unresolved grief. I am meant to walk this world alone and unencumbered by Dickheads. Dickhead Free Zone. Love it!

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I made a fire in the new stainless steel washing machine tub Lyn got me from the Tinker. It holds the heat in much better than the old stainless steel laundry tub. I have finally burnt all the dead wood and old Palings from rotten pallets and the last of the outdoor table. Much cleaner! Yay!

It started raining while I was doing that but the fire was warm and comforting and the rain a light drizzle so we got it all done.I tied Bobo up to the washing line so I could work without the fear of more carnage. He laid down and went to sleep after quietly watching me work in the fire. Sweet.

So that was my burst of activity from 4 pm. Another nap is impending!

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There is a phenomenon known amongst entertainers, in particular Clowns that after hours of creativity, play, high energy they must spend a similar amount of time in low energy, often characterised as Burn-out which is a hefty depression.

Crystal says I have a Dark Clown and after dancing/singing along, remaining hyper-vigilant for attackers on the dance floor, being protective that it is natural to crash and burn afterwards. Like a rocketship leaving the earth's atmosphere. Burn off?!

Well, there is a time for every season. Today is resting and smiling at the fact that I have mastered the art of the Burn. Lmao!

…

My father, the first and worst of my Davidian Reptilians to break my heart, used to sing this to me when I was 13.

It used to make me cry. The poignant spirituality of it. But by 20 when he groped my pregnant full breast I knew that any song or love he showed me was tainted by his perverted selfish lust.

To think that Love is only for the lucky and the strong?

My rose bloomed through many winters and summer without my family of origin's support or nurturance. They tore off my petals but every time I grew back again. This is the winter of my final Discontent, Now I grow in beauty and truth and Love only for me.

My children, my life, my former loves. All gone. What is left from the smoke and ashes? Hope. Peace. Wisdom. Grace.

12 June 2015

4.50 am. Cold damp day. Not good for my lungs which are aching.

I posted the stuff to Ireland. Still have to post the Musk sticks as they were $56 to post. Insanity. Crystal put the money in my account so I will do it on Monday. They will be the most expensive lollies ever!

She sent me a photo of a stone circle and another one of herself. Wrapped in a scarf and an old cardigan. So old, I remember my mother wearing it when I was a tiny tot. Pure wool lasts several generations.

It was weird to see her looking like Mum, traipsing around Ireland. Their summer is like our winter. Wait until winter comes. She will be in for a shock!

Climate-wise I picked one of the best places on Earth to live.

12 June 2014

Out again with the irrepressible Jo! What fun! She has a date with a frenchman so I can practise my tres pauvre Franglais between dancing.

12 June 2013

Just woke up! Another Day in Paradise. I am sooo weary. Oh well better get up, rattle my dags, and grimace into the grey skies. (blue skies are a-coming again...guaranteed in Queensland!)

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Am not well today! Oh well, big storm coming…that should release some pressure :-)

12 June 2012

I went back to Lifeline Bookfest and bought some joke books. In need of Comedy I guess as my Wintry Escapades last week, open mouthed on the cool air while walking around and heating up my internal combustion system. Leading me to shed layers of clothes had caused me to suffer a dreadful dry sore throat.

Soooo here comes another protracted Bronchitis/asthma bout. I felt so Alive being Wild in the Crisp Air but my body rejected that Notion! Hahaha!

12 June 2011

I had a lovely time with all the lovely and Mad Ladies of the Mad hatters Ladies Society. Looking forward to next meetup!

Thank you Lyn for taking me out today and for bringing a new monitor, the firewood and home grown oranges and the toilet blocks for the passionfruit deterrent! Oh and for the skirt! You rock! Thanks to Peter also. I just had a nap so I will hook up the monitor later. xxx

12 June 2010

Living life on my terms and in the company of my loved ones and good friends makes me happy!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons