Memories: 10 June 2025

10 June 2025

8:36 am another beautiful but cold morning. I had beautiful dreams…astonishingly about a former “love interest” again. That’s three dreams of that person now. I never used to dream of him. Even though we have known each other for over 14 years. (Not biblically… you understand…) so it’s a tad odd. But it was a lovely dream.

We were travelling somewhere. It looked like a place a bit like Surfers Paradise with lots of wealthy homes and inlets. We were walking along very lovely paved paths. With lots of tropical gardens. We were contented in each other’s company.

There was more to the dream but I can’t quite remember all of it. But it was important that I was shown his happiness to be with me and our meandering along the walkways and the beautifully scenery. The sea was very very blue and still, almost like a mirror. Everything oozed happiness.

While the camaraderie with the man is nonsensical as he and I are no longer in contact, the dream omens showed me a sense of resolution and happiness. Perhaps even forgiveness.

At any rate the dream omens of bright sunshiny light, clear blue water and a feeling of peace and contentment tell me: today is going to be a good day. 🙂

10 June 2023

It’s been another awful day but I am holding my own as usual.

10 June 2021

I made this woollen tapestry runner when I was 15 years old. (The year Cees threatened to rape me ...go figure!) He had bought me this unusual tapestry to do. Probably under coercion from my mother. I remember working on it and it was one thing he took the time to praise.

I found it amongst mum’s chattels when I was given permission by the Public Trustee to take back anything I wanted. There was/is a massive hole chewed out of it. Obviously my evil mother let someone’s dog chew on it!

I found it today as I was looking for embroideries to give to my 91 year old friend Ailsa. I found an unstitched tapestry I will give her and another huge tapestry that I need to complete (oy!)

I decided that since this piece came back to me in 2008 it’s time to mend it and use it! I will need to find something to stick over the hole. I don’t know how to crochet or I’d make a flower perhaps.

But yes, it’s time I reclaim all that was taken from me and either beautify it into something worth having...or pass it on.

Today I gave the baby clothes, and cot sheets away. I had asked Crystal to go through it but she was too busy or not really interested. I kept only the pure wool baby blanket for Socks to lie on and two baby “christening” frocks that Gisela had made.

So yes...moving energy on, decluttering my life, fixing what can be fixed and metaphorically burying the rest.

10 June 2018

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I had a fun night out with Karen and Jenny at O’Malleys pub. We danced and hammed and made friends with (of all things!) 3 off-duty policemen. One actually sexually assaulted me (twice!). Grabbed my boob. I was livid.

He offered to come home with me so I offered to congratulate his mother on her lovely ill-bred son. 34 years old. What is wrong with young men these days?!

I let it go as he was rather intoxicated and was just a hapless gormless youth. He even spilt his drink all over himself, poor lad! It was rather amusing!

Anyway we are home safe and exhausted but it was good to dance again. It’s been a month since I last went out.

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So many funny conversations happened last night: like when I told the rather sexy deep voiced man the directions to Turbot Street (which he insisted was pronounced the French way). Jenny jumps in and says “the girls go this way” Adelaide, Margaret and Ann Streets “And the boys go this way” George Albert and Edward Streets.

I chime in “Correct but after Adelaide Street it all changes and turns into random shit the nearer you get to Roma street, it all goes to hell.”

Debonair gentleman suggests I walk him to his hotel to show him hell. Rather hopefully with a twinkle in his eye. I say “Nup mate, you are staying in a hotel named after a bin chicken, you are already there”.

Later I had a few regrets: he might have actually been single (although I doubt it) and he may have actually had a decent hotel room with (sigh) a spa bath. But I would not have left Jenny so that was never going to happen. But it was very funny. All of it!

The lovely young woman who got excited by my proclamations that Turbot street was where I said it was, who googled it for the gentleman opined “the lady in the purple top hat was right all along. It is 6 minutes walk away”. I quipped “I am always right until I am wrong, then oh dear god, I am so wrong!”

I had confounded him by telling him that I was a Queenslander (putting on my best Bogan impersonation) and that it was “down the road a bit but if you get to Emerald you went too far”. So he was very delighted to discover his hotel was nearby after all.

As he walked away I yelled out after him “Don’t forget the French! Very very French” so he did a little skip.

This is what I love most about my nights out. When I go completely hypomanic from exhaustion and everything becomes sheer comedy. Magic happens, babies!

10 June 2017

4 hours sleep. Still processing a very ecstatic and magical night spent in group consciousness, dancing with free expression at Ecstatic Dance circle and later with our usual Rock and Roll Wildness with my beautiful friends, Tee, Jenny and Karen. I do believe we went off!!!

I am in a state of physical exhaustion that has left me feeling almost sublime. I need more sleep but have been up since 9 am with Charlie and Beauregard, playing ball.

It is a gorgeous morning. Warm. Sunny and crystal clear resonant. My spirit is surging like a tolling bell or the lovely Tibetan singing bowl I heard last night. I feel fully unfurled like a lotus flower. Beautiful. Powerful. Connected. Gifted with light and love and peace.

Amazing!

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10 June 2016

2.48 am. Woke up after only 3 hours sleep. Bad reflux! Slight nausea. Damn! So very tired but not enough deep sleep due to burping. I will have to get my arse to the chemist tomorrow for reflux medication, and hormone patches (hot flushes).

Anyway I will have to get back to sleep.

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1.55 pm. Thankfully the tiny dose of Seroquel finally let me have a deep long sleep. I just woke up. Sleep is wonderful. You simply just cannot burp and fart at the same time. Well you can Fart but you are not conscious of it. My poor oesophagus took a beating last night but it finally got a rest.

Beautiful day outside. But omg. Sleep. Magical peaceful restful sleep!

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No spectral visitations from a man that once taught me what deep insane unrequited and fiery, love felt like. The first man I ever felt such undying molten weak at the knees, emotional/mental/spiritual and sexual passion for. And not just because he had a huge phallus that he used to weigh in his hands like a giant Bockwurst and demand of me, "Tell me Tanya? Have you ever seen such magnificence???". I lied. "Schmeh, seen one seen 'em all".

He was a roller-coaster ride of bliss and hell bundled up with his slightly droopy arse, ("I do yoga!" “Yeah right! You should do it more often!") and his homeopathic dissonance. "I am God. I CAN HEAL YOU. Like cures like!!!" then threw tantrums like a snotty toddler when he realised I was very aware of his cognitive dissonance, alcoholism, sex addiction and sociopathology.

Then he became cruel and perverted and tried to kill my spirit. A mind-fuck and a humiliation that lasted 5 years and even then part of him and me had not quite detached. Perhaps it had not been quite so unrequited after all? I mean, running up my stairs, banging down my door for 4 nights??

Rest in peace David Davidson. You were weak and I was strong. Even my mother stated "He is a Fool! He chose the wrong woman out of vanity. He actually needs a woman like you. He is weak!"

I stared at her for a long while. She would know how weak he was. She had masterfully manipulated him. Her and that sick evil bastard Buck Scherer.

That was the moment I knew there had been more than one being involved in our tumultuous lust. Mummy and her puppet master had been in bed with us too. So I cut ties to all of them.

True Loves keep you sacred and precious. They don't let family members manipulate their partners and use them against you. They make love to you and you to them and it is a lust or love that is a bonding that is shared just between you and that one special person.

Same as when my first psychiatrist allowed my mother to attempt to manipulate me by insisting we have family sessions. I refused. No more boundary violations. So he sacked me as a patient. Good riddance. Another Narcopath like my mother.

Yes psychiatrists can be evil too. Get off on your vulnerability and illness.

Even my current doctor was horrified when I told him what had happened with that first "the-rapy".

PS He sings in my ear the lyrics "Is it too late to be sorry!?" Yes it is. NOW FUCK THE HELL OFF. Lmao! Or his arse off. Someone's arse is on the line and off the hook, simultaneous release.

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Trigger warning: rape, incest, strangulation, incest, betrayal, miscarriage, mention of genitalia, haunting. Unresolved grief. Trauma.

.

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So while I was in the shower (half an hour before Beau killed Helga, and still processing the shit with David Davidson the words of a song came to me:

Knock knock knocking on Tanya's Door

But she don't live There Anymore

So you can Go with one Regret

What a Shame we ever met.

Knock knock knocking on Tanya's door!

The battle was won but the war wanted more!

You tried to fight me to the bitter end

Against a Force of Nature,

Higher, stronger, wilder

Than any NegaTiviTy you send.

You blessed me with your unnatural Goodbye

And you wondered why I had not Died.

Knock knock knocking on Tanya's door

But she don't live There anymore

But you can go with one regret

What a shame we ever met.

The battle was won but they all wanted More,

The battle was done but they still wanted more.

Because I was raised by men and women just Like You!

You were just another ingredient

In their Brew.

I loved you and I hated you too.

When you put your hands around my throat

And I said "Go ahead, Finish me"

But you cried like a bleating Goat.

You Do not know who you mess with

When you try to break this Warrior's soul.

So now you can't even weigh your meat no more!!!

And my vagina no longer tickles the floor!

Hahaha!

How many women did you ruin? I can name most of them!

But they were weak and I was strong.

And I knew all along, I'd finally get up, stand up and get along without you and your little Club of Horrors.

So I won't miss you like they still do

And I won't FAKE IT that is TRUE.

They can tell themselves if they might

That you were the best thing within their sight.

But I know you were a Charlatan

And a sociopathic pathetic nasty little Man. And weak besides.

Don't you be waiting for me at Heaven's door

Because Hell and Fury

Will take its Score, what I could not do in This Life

Because I was disturbed, distressed and traumatised!

I will finish it if it takes a thousand more Lives!

And Hear! We have had this discussion before.

So the best you can do is bang down my door.

Because you know that I won't go to Hell - without you!

And if you dare to wait for me, with my mother, father, Buck Scherer and the rest Yet to cross over!

I warned you once and I will warn you again, HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A GOOD WOMAN LOST.

You destroyed another Tanya too.

The mother of your sons, well wacky Doo!

They grew up fine, they grew up sweet but they still got their Daddy's Dust inside their feet.

I hope they stomp you hard and down like I had to trample my own momma and memories to the ground.

But I stood by and I stood tall and I helped to heal before her final Call.

Because Love is GRAND and Love is BLIND and Love calls you from Out of your Mind to do what's right, to do what is just, to say your piece and to LOVE you must.

For when the final curtain falls.

The Love that is left is all that Calls.

Well, Goodbye, Sailor Boy. Goodbye, my Muse!

With all your Might you did Infuse.

You took me broken, shattered on the floor, messed up, trussed up and the remedies you gave were more than just -

HOMEOPATHICS!!!!

And There is Pathos in this Poem of You because Monkey See and Monkey Do!!

Another man is on my mind but he's not like any of your Kind.

Actually because, he is kind.

Knock knock knocking on heaven's door but I don't live here anymore.

You stole the Light right out of me

And you lived and breathed from my misery.

You went and married the Illusion too.

You gave her 4 children well wacky DOO.

My baby slipped from between my thighs.

The birth and death of your own Demise.

"It would have been a Disaster!" You said. A fortnight later or so, I bled.

And it's ok now, don't be sad. I barely had my own life to spare.

At the end of the day you can't rob me any more than I do not have for you to rob.

All you can take is one last song.

I told you my star is rising even if it will be your last sun-rising.

The sun will shine and the moon will glow

And all along you will know know know

What it is to be cast down and to raise ourselves up from your unhallowed ground.

I shuffled shuffled that Zombie Walk but I stood tall and I talked my talk!

The Health Rights Commission didn't know what to Do! But you cried and shivered in front of their crew.

So you laid your guilt right down low and

The seed you planted and the seeds that grow, you did Show Show Show!

Yet here I am, now Watch me Fly.

No longer a Zombie

No longer a Fallen Cry!

And a demon cries from Deep in Hell

I'll have his Soul, I will have his Smell!

I said "No you won't! You'll get a lot, but redemption's song I still have Got!"

To teach the world that there is Hope, That there is Life, That there is More! That even though he sinned to sin and crushed us down and he wore us THIN

and he BROKE us Down and he heard our sounds and he refused to yield and he refused to Seal, our Fates were lost,

our fates were ground but from his beastliness we were found

to stand up high and Rise Up Tall

For only the small and misguided -

Can take what is not built, what is not theirs

and build themselves up from our rivers of tears!

But Redemption's Song is far too long

And we all know in Heaven we will all abide

Just some on the other Darkest Side!

So you can bang right on my door and you can scream my name, you can come to me insincerely

Or you can come to me -shared

But at the end of the day

NOONE TO BLAME

For we all get to choose

Our serenade.

So now you join with the Ein Sof

(but maybe not the AUR, Whom

knows?!)

Maybe you redeemed yourself by being a good father after all.

Let's just hope Zohar, Has no stories too Tall.

Update 2021: Lol. Mofo still floats past occasionally and I just keep rebuking that evil perverted spirit. True love is Eternal.

The last David I thought was kind… turned out to be a low level monster too. Trawled after me for years at the casino and at drumming. But never any substance to him...just hatred and morbid curiousity, trawling his latest gfs to leer at me which is triggering as Davidson used to do exactly the same thing. Pernicious vileness is all I got from those ex lovers. Yuck!

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Traumatised. I was on the phone to Lyn. Beauregard killed Helga. Another dead hen. She died in my arms after I got him off her. My beautiful girl.

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Well now that is Done! Shabbat Shalom. Let the Celebrations of what is left of my life, my heart and my soul Begin.

Welcome The Tanya! ;-) xxx

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Happy Shavuoth! To all my Jew Crew.

The Giving of the Law on Mt Sinai. A time of Tribulation and Rejoicing. For all our Souls were gathered there, from the distant past, to that ancient Present and even ours, dear Loves, and those yet born.

Hashem was a Recycler too. S/He or it (SHEIT lmao!) KNEW. Jews will keep being tied to that place in Time and Space. That Holy Land amidst so many Sacred Spaces all over the Earth and across the Universes.

Hear Oh Israel! I, THE LORD, AM YOUR G-D. I am ONE.

and so it was/is/ever will be. Just like HE (Gender Neutral) said it would be. Life comes easy to ME.

(sorry! The Blowers Daughter lyrics by DAMIEN O just blew across my mind like a blasting Volcano).

SHEIT? One day HASHEM YOU WILL BLESS ME WITH MY OWN MATERIAL AND NOT THE SIRENS OF SOMEONE ELSE's heart and mind.

Lmao!

For the soul you gave me is a unique one and I always hoped to be a one of a kind, never to be repeated Original. If I end up a Carbon Copy of my own Copy and diluted, digested and refuted like Disputed Territories of the soul, then You and ME ARE BOUND TO HAVE ANOTHER COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS INTERFACED Inter -Spacial blazing Row. Keep those who were not my true loves far away from me, even in death. Amen V'SELAH.

I know I KNOW. It was for the sake of Heavenly Entertainment. I know I AM THE COSMIC BUTT-JOKE.

Where was I? Yes. CHAG SAMEACH. May there be blessings and peace, joy and love, justice on high and in the bowels of the earth and the depths of the oceans, in parallel universes and in other Dimensions or let the Holy ONE, BE YET ANOTHER MAD WOMAN's dream and Mad man's Delusion and may we just find Oblivion and fall Silent as dust or as loudly as sweet fresh Waters on our Fiddling piddling Tin roofs as the Cat is hot and the wolves howl and the worm turns but either Nothing is Sacred or Everything is Sacred.

No THING? (SEE what I did there?!) Only a genderless G-D could invent genitalia and Procreation for His own ENTERTAINMENT. What? WHAT ABOUT THE AMOEBAS QUIETLY OSMOSING? They have evolved to take loving themselves quite literally. No need or desires apart from their own self-containment. Lucky non-buggars!

Ommmm. In the Void no one can hear you scream so They invented the AVOIDANT. Run and HIDE for even under your Don't-give-a-FIG-Leaf the Unseen and Pure One can find you. GPS. Echo-LOCATION. Eat cake. (MUCH NICER THAN APPLES.)

Love YOU, and you and them and us, oh and of course, Me. ( I DO rather enjoy my breakdowns.)

Knock me down but I get up AGAIN. We stinging butterfly Warriors of G-D don't know any other way to FLY OR FRY!

10 June 2015

3.39 am. Watching Sense8 on Netflix.

I have to be up before 12.30 pm as someone is coming to buy Crystal's steel-capped workboots.

Then maybe if I feel ok I will drive to Byron, spend the afternoon there. Very tempting!

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12.52 pm. 4 hours sleep. Feel Slightly better today. At least the sun is shining :-)

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9.30 pm. Just woke up! Slept all day. Boy, I have needed it. Chest still tight but not so much phlegm etc. Getting better! I thought about going to Byron but glad I didn't as I am still so fatigued.

Now got very hungry, pissed off pussies to feed. The night is beautiful outside. I ran out to lock up chooks and feed the fish. So bright outside!

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I just had an epic Hot Flush. My bed is wet from my sweating. So either the low dose HRT is useless (2 weeks!) or the infection is being driven from my body.

So now I am having another hot Green tea with cinnamon, cloves and cardamon. Might as well keep sweating it out!

10 June 2014

I had another wonderful night with Jo and her friend Scott and his friend Greg. I was on overdrive from all the happiness and perhaps less sleep in the past week so I couldn't stop talking! They had to tell me to be quiet a few times and laughed when I put myself on 5 mins of silence but got so excited I texted someone on my iphone instead!

What can I say, I am a communicator! I danced too, but talked more. I had a fantastic night and was in love with everything and everyone! I even lovingly nurtured a flowering romance between Jo and a lovely man who I really liked the way he treated Jo. I hope something beautiful develops for them both as I could see the possibilities of a great love between them.

I hope and pray I get to have a great love of my own in the near future but I must try not to be self-absorbed and overly sensitive (being in love is awesome but a very vulnerable terrifying prospect for me!). This week has shown me so much wonder. I am back on my mission. To heal, love and guide my beautiful friends along the way.

As long as no more arseholes try to pull my wings off and put me in a specimen jar...I will be doing, being, and living just Fine. With or without a Male Life Partner.

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6.31pm. I spent today in bed. I truly needed to rest. I still feel wonderful! :-). My feet are a bit arthritic (spasmy and achy and hot!) but that is to be expected after being out dancing.

I am lying here, warm and snuggly listening to Penny's snoring. She is happy to have De Mama home for a change.

I am enjoying the quiet. Listening to my pond fountain tinkling and the distant hum of traffic, bearing weary workers home.

Feeling grateful and still euphoric. Energy still high. I can almost 'hear' an angelic Om.

(Hopefully I am not about to Stroke Out lol!)

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10 June 2012

I had one of the Best Days yesterday. Lyn took me to Cooly Rocks Festival early in the morning and we spent the day there, looking at all the Beautiful Custom Cars, looking at all the Rockabilly outfits, listening to some bands and enjoying the Eye Candy!

Then at night I went to Greenbank RSL with Gail and Pedro and I danced all night to the Ozzie Osbourne Tribute Band who were such good Musicians, it was like seeing the Real Thing!

Then we went on to the Casino for an hour. It was crowded in there but more Meat Markety. Lol. Lots of bald men in shiny Polyester suits! The vibe was friendly although I found Men touching my Tattoo a tad annoying Lol. I was having such a good day that I was at my Wittiest and in Full Flight.

Gail took me home around 1 am. I had walked miles down at Coolangatta then danced all night so by then my legs were starting to give out on me.

I had one of the best Days in my life and I was happy to sustain a happy bubbly frame of mind, even with a few short naps in the car.

10 June 2011

Shabbat Shalom n hope you all had a happy Shavuot! I need a New York Baked Cheesecake n I needed it yesterday! My favourite!

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Major craving for baked cheesecake....thanks Heather. I've made my very first lasagne instead. Awesome! Maybe poffertjes for dessert.

I also cleaned the back of the roof guttering but it got cold when it started to get dark. Getting stuff done around house is good though.

PS Lasagne epic fail but looking forward to the Poffertjes lol. I know I should never attempt actual savoury or dinner menus Lol.

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My darling Lyn brought computer #26 to me this morning. A huge thanks to Peter for the new box, a new harddrive with the old one installed. Woohooo! I'm going to hook it all up shortly.

Been on the phone to Jarrod. Feeling very weak in my chest so going to have more Ventolin and an afternoon schluff. I'm so happy with the day...clear blue skies and sunshine after yesterday’s bitter cold have brightened my day.

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Just hooked up the puter. It's making all the right yummy hummy noises but I think my monitor cord is broken as my monitor wants to stay asleep. Damn contraption! Had a fiffle so it must be the cord. I say so. In denial that it might be the monitor. I used to jiggle around with cords so it's the cord. Do you like my computer tech intuition? LOL

um *fiddle but I am Kafiffled with my hugiekapiffle. oh well back to drawing board. lol

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons