Memories: 1 March 2025

1 March 2025

9:07 am I just woke up, with my mind crystal clear. A high vibration ringing through my head and through the house.

Last night’s dance was very interesting. One of the regular women, approached me. Said she was a healer, actually a very good one. She had been receiving downloads about me, she said. I smiled. Agreed to let her take my hand. Told her I had been under intense spiritual attack in recent months. Showed her my still healing scar. I saw her kinda freak out ever so slightly.

She holds my hand and says she can’t push energy past my wrist. I need to let her through. I replied “oh that’s okay. I am heavily protected. It’s nothing personal…not that I don’t like you or trust you, I simply am like that”. Walled!

“Let down your walls” she replies. “I want you to be free!” I smile sanguinely. The Tanya, even in her constant struggles against this Covidian epoch, a government or a council that happily criminalises the homeless, and her own struggles with her own health and lack in other areas, is THE freest person anyone ever met. Freedom is not something I lack, neither is courage, neither is Magick, and Mana!

She goes away for a while. Comes back. Hisses something at me about “another paradigm”. Free in another paradigm. I go quiet, momentarily chilled by her “prediction”. Yup…another bone pointer. She goes away again. Comes back. Sees me hold my energy, fiercely walled and now accompanied by my Spirit Wolf.

“I didn’t mean that how it sounded”. I stare at her, long and hard. “I know…I am very protected…remember. No harm, no foul”. I carry on with my dance.

Even “healers” wish me “dead” now. Hmmm…interesting. I told her I am just happy to go with the flow and live my life out in peace with the people who love me truly. Is that so much to ask of a white jewish witch shaman? Hahahaha.

I met another lovely couple…Matt and Nina. They were very friendly and loving. Matt told me he is a musician. Nina kindly bought me a drink. They were both so joyous and sweet without any invidious agendas, that they were a breath of fresh air. They didn’t know it but they made my night! Blessed be!

It was lovely to see Tim Bishop playing bass earlier too. He gifted me a lovely welcoming soul nourishing hug.

So Brooklyn Standard…I love you all. You keep the music playing by my beautiful talented musician friends, in a New York Speak Easy State of Mind, and Mama T aka The Tanya will keep dancing for as long as this “paradigm” will allow me…Wild and free, swirling in her psychedelic dreaming hues, flying in her shamanic performance art-style mad mosh dance. Together we triumph, we co-create, we heal. We live our very best lives…or what is left of it.

Never ever ever let the bastards grind us down. 😉

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11:11 am make a wish! I am fading fast after only 4 hours sleep this morning. But I feel powerful, resolute and loved. The gods are kind to me. Send me good solid kind people who See me and treat me with basic respect. They gift me the courage and resilience to continue with my dance, even surrounded at times, by envious people.

I almost didn’t go dancing last night as I had laboured under a rather intense anxiety that grew more demanding through the day and night. But my Angels demanded I go out as is my usual custom, reminded me to push through the energetic fissuring that I could sense was not mine. A warrior goddess must not only fight through her own fears, malaise and atrophies but fight against the energetic attacks of others.

So I “knew” there was going to be some message or mayhem or mischief last night. Before I even got there. So you know…lol….I was prepared by my protectors more than usual.

I had a lovely time. Now I need to rest, recalibrate and collaborate with my energies to get through another week and be ready for my next wild dance.

Blessed Be! My beautiful brave ones who have my back. Grateful happy woman here!

Oh, I just heard the butcher bird serenading me outside with his morning melodies. Gorgeous!

1 March 2024

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lol some lovely young gothic dressed woman just walked right up to me and said “I saw you from across the room and felt inspired to give you a hug!” I don’t know her but it seemed meaningful. Sweetness!

Spirit said to me before I left the house “something lovely is gonna happen tonight” so now that must be the “something lovely” thing gotten out of the way, Mama T can carry on being Wild and Free! lol

Glad to have that “validation” that the spirit is on my team and not some epic fucking malevolent trickster. Yayyy!

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1 March 2023

3:54 am. Not a skerrit of sleep. Fourth night of insomnia! What does my nervous system (and spirit) know?

Yesterday was very exciting with the snake visitor. But she has been safely returned to the forest by Peter. So why am I still highly activated?

I got to thinking during the last four hours of Insomnia, about how I have been so creative the past few days, making Yoda then today’s effort hammering the copper pipe.

I feel hopeful and powerful too. Like I am turning some corner, ready for a new direction in life.

Snakes represent kundalini energy. Sexual energy. But I am still afraid of attracting psychopaths so I won’t be lifting that self imposed prison of celibacy just yet.

But it was interesting yesterday as I had warnings from the little Indian minor birds and a butcher bird, all tweeting at me loudly to let me know there was a snake in my bromeliads. But how did they know?

Charley and Beauregard and I were quite oblivious until snakey decided to slither out and check out what I was doing, making all that noise with my copper pipe hammering.

There was a moment when I first saw her that she was just staring at me. At first I thought she was a blue tongue lizard until she darted out her forked tongue and I realised she had the markings of a carpet snake and was longer than a lizard. Then I kind of froze for a moment with the shock.

Bobo ran to bark at her and she also hardly moved. We were both mesmerised. She was only about three metres away from where I was sitting in the grass. I casually stood up and called Bobo away and started filming her. She turned and casually slithered back under the bromeliads.

Frankly she behaved like a very tame pet. Which Lyn suggested she might have been as someone might have released her into the forest.

The second time she came out of the bromeliads she made straight for Charley’s cages. Peter was able to catch her as she had lifted her head and upper part of her body up onto the outdoor table, looking for Charley who was on my shoulder, twittering nervously.

But no harm, no foul! Literally! Everyone is safe including the snake. So why can’t I sleep? Argggh.

I have been putting out prayers for protection for myself, and my pets and my sacred space garden so I am grateful that prayer was honoured as otherwise I might have lost Charley to a very hungry determined snake.

The other unusual thing was I was less afraid of the snake than I used to be when I was younger. It’s like the getting of wisdom or something.

The snake that was here about two months ago was a much larger carpet python but I followed it up the hill while filming it too. It actually kept away from me!

Peter couldn’t catch that one as it slithered into Timsa’s backyard. This one was slimmer so we decided it might be the female.

The peculiar thing is, that although I live next to a forest, I have rarely seen snakes here. So it’s all bit humbling, really!

I am fortunate it wasn’t a more aggressive venomous snake as I only had my old plastic rake to try to deter her. But she was obsessed with one of Charley’s cages, thinking she was inside and an easy bite sized lunch.

Anyway, I should get up and do something as I won’t sleep tonight (or this morning!) but sometimes I do fall asleep after I post about my weird insomnias. Wish me luck!

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10:39 am, up and at ‘em. I got just over 5 hours sleep. Finally. I feel a bit faded out like a dusty rose from days gone by but I will enjoy my day now that I am luridly awake 🙂.

It’s hot this morning. I have put Charley in her outside cage but I had to lock her in (close the cage door) because I worry there might be more snakes around. Charley fought me on this but it’s really too dangerous to let her free range unattended now. Poor Charley has no idea how close she came to being a snack yesterday.

Sometimes it’s good to be so oblivious to danger. Or so ambivalent.

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1 March 2021

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Well it was rather Rampant in mine, on both sides! Lol. Lots of Violence, Running Amok, even Arson! Abject Poverty and chronic Trauma will do that to you.

Imagine the struggles...lots of dead children from typhus, no modern conveniences so back breaking work, hunger, isolation from the rest of the world in the Antipodes and colourful characters also suffering from disease and poverty and general madness all around you, as choices of partners...top that with no modern psychiatric meds...I feel crazier just thinking about it!

I picked a good century to get a bit squidgy in! My forebears were not so fortunate!

1 March 2020

11:11 pm. I have been very ill with asthma today. It has been a struggle. For a brief moment I got paranoid that I had caught coronavirus. But that is ridiculous!

It’s incredible how fearful we get with all the media hype. Of course if I have caught it I will be kissing my arse goodbye. 6 months of asthma has left me rather weakened.

Oh well. I am in bed. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

1 March 2019

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House cleaning, and decluttering is completed. 21 days. Phew! I feel like my life is back in control. Epic effort! Thanks to Jarrod for help with odd jobs, and Lyn and Peter and Danni for their help with moving stuff out on the kerb.

Thanks to Sally for your immense support also. Thanks to all my friends for cheering me on through an intensely emotional last few days.

Life is good!

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2:10pm. I have showered, shaved my legs. Washed my hair. Still feel a bit weak. But I think I will take my Beau for a much needed pishkele on a walk. Good for his mental health and mine.

I might even go dancing tonight although I may not feel strong enough after I walk my dog. But Zombie Warrior Goddess creatures are known to create miracles, weave magic and wholly incorporate their unwilling bodies from time to time.

Who is driving this meat carriage? Why me, and a few thousand archangels riding along with me, of course. I might be only smoke and ashes, baby but I still have living to do!

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I had a lovely day yesterday with Crystal and Jarrod. We looked around DFO. I was exhausted after a few hours and had trouble walking. But we pushed through!

I bought a lovely ethnic top and 2 bras. Crystal shopped for shoes for her clown for her work. They had to be purple. It was surprisingly difficult to find the right ones.

In the evening Jarrod installed the wooden blind in the back bedroom. He also changed a light bulb. I cooked a roast chicken dinner. It turned out delicious.

Although there was a moment of panic as we kept saying how yummy the gravy was then suddenly we thought, why is it so much “creamier” then checked the ingredients. Milk and soy in it. So Crystal had been spiked. Fortunately she had some lacteeze in her bag.

I felt dreadful as I am usually so careful with preparing food for them. Other than that, we had a lovely time.

By the end of the night I was walking like Igor in Dracula movies. My feet and ankles hurt that much. Not good. I slept well though.

1 March 2018

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4:44 am, 1 March. Awake. Usual interruption in the night. Exhausted.

A pinch and a punch for the first of the month. March already. Year is bolting away like a mustang. Psy sighs. Time is unravelling and I am a spectator in the backseat of my life. But at least I have the keys to my chariot.

1 March 2017

I had an interesting revelation with my psych today. I stated I realised I had suffered so much and struggled so hard to let go of the man I am in love with because he feels like Family to me.

My family of Narcopaths taught me to feel used, manipulated, abused, neglected, rejected and abandoned me over and over again. So this guy behaved in all the ways I understand best. Speaks the language of the Avoidant, the coward and represents abandonment.

I love him still. Just as I once loved that other evil spirit incarnate David Davidson, and my mother and sister. I went to support my mother at her last phase of life as I am a decent noble person.

So in a sense she had a kind of forgiveness from me, until the Will came out into the light and I saw that forgiving and loving that monster had been folly. A naïve inner child's wish for a loving mummy. A sickness on my part, crawling back to the hand that slapped and the ugly mouth that slandered, the heart and mind that sullied and betrayed.

I told my dr about Lana starting up her abuse again (the only way that putrid little alcoholic troll can feel powerful). I told him she is another facet of my mother. A reflection of blind hate and envy and spite.

We talked about David D's spirit haunting my door. That I feel he is still around at times. My dr believes he wants my forgiveness. I agreed. I told him I will never forgive, not while I draw breath.

I see he has work to do, to atone for the damage he caused me and my daughters. But it is not my job to heal the dead dogs of my past. Life is for the living. They stole enough of my chi from me.

My Dr says my PTSD is fully activated for the past 3 months due to my physical ill health. Infections in the body signal psychological triggers as well. It is about the violation to the core of the body.

I definitely agree with that. I have felt vulnerable, isolated, lonely and exhausted. Then in fits and starts I have felt powerful, energised and ten foot tall and bullet-proof only to sink back into exhaustion for 3 days after.

He stated another female patient does the same. We have been attacked so often at our very core that we come up fighting, or flounder around in the shallows muck for a while.

Anyway, here I am, unable to thrive, constantly feeling like a loser which he had to remind me, I am not. I have held steadfast through decades of trauma, abuse and betrayals. I burst out laughing. I have lost so much for so very long that I am actually a raging success at losing.

Another day in pardies!

Update 2025: Life is moderately better now, 8 years later. It was a long hard slog to get this latest version of myself. Never cede, never quit, never yield on all the good hard work I have done in growing myself back. Proud of myself!

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Yesterday was my former stepfather's birthday. Also the Birthday of the man I adore who betrayed and rejected me. I had a lovely day getting my hair done in spite of the deep sadness this date brings me each year.

A childhood friend texted me out of the blue. It was his deceased father's birthday too. Weird as Philip and I also have the same birthday.

Anyway after I got home from my hairdresser I felt consumed with exhaustion and went to sleep for a few hours. Then got up and watched several episodes of Wisdom Teachings and baked bread in the bread machine.

It is now 3.15 am and lightning is circling but so far no storm has hit Holland Park. I am tired but awake. I have been struggling with extreme exhaustion since Saturday. I hope I get better soon. It has been 3 months of poor health now.

1 March 2016

1.11 pm not long awake. Just had muesli with chia seeds and maca for breakfast. I left a mug of milk on the bench while I sat on the steps with Bobo eating. I walked back into the kitchen to discover Socks had drunk most of the milk.

He was still dipping his paw into the milk and licking it from the last quarter left (too far down to shove his fat panther face in!) Oh well, that'll teach me not to leave Socks Goodies out on the bench. He took one look at me and I could see he was not the least bit sorry. Kept dipping his paw.

Update 2015: Aww what I would do to have him steal my milk, or lick icing off my cake…again. Sweet boy!

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I have been to Bunnings. I had to enlist their plumbing specialist, a wry cheery rotund older man named Gary to help me buy the right fittings, clamps and hose to solve my brand new pump problems.

Aqua Pro bastards don't sell the matching attachments for their pumps and spare filters. Bunnings don't sell the attachments next to the Aqua Pro to facilitate buying the right attachments.

I was livid. Sarcastic and ready to start a revolution. Gary says Management doesn't care, the buyers for the company don't care, no one cares to sell products in full working order which is why the staff walk up and down all day trying to help people.

I wonder! How can you produce a product and sell extras then not bother to sell the adaptive attachments? Gary had to make one out of plumping parts. 3 to join together to make one. Insanity.

He says management doesn't listen to staff or customers.

He said "If you worked, did management ever listen?"

I said "Yeah they did, right after I told them to fuck off a lot then quit".

I hate hate hate things not working properly, making sense or being sold without the available attachments necessary for a fully functioning unit. I told him that Bunnings had just paid for my psychiatrist's Summer House.

We are dealing with a society of idiots. No one follows through or makes sure a job is done right. Except Gary! Cos I insisted! Lmao!

He wasn't laughing quite as much by the time I finally got all the bits and pieces I required. Even he could see a simple task was made ridiculously difficult.

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It is raining at last. I am sitting on the back step with Bobo and Mushu. We are enjoying the cool dampness mingling with the summer humidity. My garden is singing with delight. Good day to be alive.

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Mojo Burning, here I come! Yeehaww! Just got to deal with an incumbent chest infection and sore tummy then I will be ready to tribal dance my mojo out! Shit! I hope I will be well enough on the day!

1 March 2015

5.05am the wild Irish Viking chicky babes are tucked up in bed. We just had pancakes and the last of the pizza! Also coca cola. I may regret the Coke!

We had a great night so we will be sleeping well today. (I can't feel my legs and my ankle is still furious with me!)

I am alive, vitally vibrant, vivant and happy. Not bad for a former Zombie.

Funny thing.. My maternal Polish grandfather was called The Dancer. Also my paternal Irish great grandfather loved to dance.

I have my own style, won't dance formally but I never imagined years ago that I would ever enjoy dancing (or any exercise really). I am also thinking of taking up Yoga again.

1 March 2014

I woke up early, 11am. 6 hours sleep. Dancing gets me "High" lol. I am still in my nightie, lying in bed and have brought Ramon in here. He is a happy little bunny, lying on my bed. He's getting used to Grandma's house. He misses Mama Crystal though!

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I had a lovely time dancing at The Hipshooters Gig until some random guy tried to inhale me.. Eww. Then another young one kept touching the flower in my hair! Which is Silk! Double eww!

So I left without thanking Billy or saying Goodbye as I had a long walk through West End to the city and felt safer leaving before the weirdoes with Olfactory issues followed me. Sigh!

So I got to Irish Murphys but lots of really drunk, really young people so not my Vibe. I sat outside and ate chips and chatted to Kate instead. Then I visited George the Busker briefly. Now waiting for my bus.

Only to be accosted by Antonio who got on his bus and kept blowing kisses to me. Crazy Stalker no 2. He’s funny though. So I waved him off with blown off kisses and caught my bus.

Phew! Be glad to be home for a nice cup of Earl Grey tea. What has gotten into men since Valentines Day? They are all acting very 'overt'. Psy Sighs!

1 March 2013

Oh Restless Spirit..find what Ye Seek and be Joyous! For ye have inherited the Earth and all her abundant Blessings. Sing in your Heart and let your spirit Soar as you dance to the beat of a melody that affirms your Life. (pity about the crippled feet tomoz! :-))

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Well it was rather Rampant in mine, on both sides! Lol. Lots of Violence, Running Amok, even Arson! Abject Poverty and chronic Trauma will do that to you. Imagine the struggles...lots of dead children from typhus, no modern conveniences so back breaking work, hunger, isolation from the rest of the world in the Antipodes and colourful characters also suffering from disease and poverty and general madness all around you, as choices of partners...top that with no modern psychiatric meds...I feel crazier just thinking about it! I picked a good century to get a bit squidgy in! My forebears were not so fortunate!

1 March 2010

My life lesson this weekend has been about duty, responsibility, loyalty, patience, strength, general goodness and lots of love and resolution. Forgiveness is not easy to achieve but resolution, I've got covered. A lot of self knowledge and trust in self has been helpful too.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons