Memories: 2 August 2025

2 August 2025

2 years and never a day passes that I don’t think of you and your funny furry ways and your big big big all consuming love for me. You are a wonderful soul and I pray we find each other again when I finally relinquish this body, this life.

Every day without you and Charlie, without real solid love that is pure and unconditional and unceasing…has been a torture and an agony. But the gods gifted me another Beau in the form of a feisty little cockatiel and little Kermie so they are bringing you back to me as refracted soul lights of immense proportions.

You are not lost to me and I am not lost to you even though it feels like that most of the time in this labyrinthine defragmenting distorted reality that killed too many loves of mine but bade me survive to tell our stories.

Out of the ghastly horror and darkness true hearts meteorically explode across the skies, bringing solace and soul awakenings and so so much love, and awe!

Thank you Beauregard for being who you truly are: in all worlds, paradigms, dimensions, across time and space. You were one of the greatest loves of my life. There is no soul like you, or any of my passed over beloved ones. You were all unique and brought me so so much joy. Mama Loves you. Always!

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Someone, a very brave cheeky cockatiel named Beau! Is audaciously sharing space with Kermie in his cage! Kermie so far is tolerating this intrusion upon his personal space but I am nervously monitoring the situation. But Beau is as pleased as punch to be flocking wiv da big birds now. (He’s pushing it….) hahaha

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Audible has stolen or facilitated the theft of $357:64 from my bank account as of 10:04 pm even date. They made me jump through epic hoops trying to get an immediate refund but instead treated me with absolute disrespect and condescension.

I have not even an active account with Audible since 2018!!!!

It’s a complete outrage and a theft and a violation. They tried to accuse me of having given my card details to a family member. (Which is insane as I don’t even have contact with any close family members. And why would I give them my card number. In fact how did Audible get my card number when I haven’t done business with them since 2018????

My current card number would not have been the same as the one had in 2018 either. It’s truly insane to try to drag my daughter into it. Then the audible rep asked me if I use an alias? What? I never use any other name for transactions other than my own. Someone’s sick twisted idea of a joke. A very expensive one!

I have raised a dispute with my bank and cancelled my card but someone out there has effectively stolen the last of my money.

Audible is running a money theft/scamming agency or enabling it. They are unprofessional and unscrupulous.

Do not support this business ever!!!!!

(Irony: title on page say “Atomic Habits” more like Atomic theft.

2 August 2024

Robyn visited with little Koko who was so thrilled to see me again she was reaching up on the passenger side window, scrabbling to get to me as soon as she realised Robyn had brought her to my place. Gorgeous! We had lots of Koko Cuddles then had a walk around the block to check on Ailsa’s house which is up for auction.

Robyn said she will have more time to come see me as she is taking two days off each week in preparation for retirement. Today she was having a new kitchen installed in her house. Peter stayed home to be present for that.

2 August 2023

12:07 am:

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12:11 pm:

Yesterday while waiting for the vets to communicate effectively and give Bobo the ultrasound. (Which those evil dirty bastards dragged out for three days, not even giving him pain relief!) I was naturally in a very distressed state.

So not knowing what to do…wanting intuitively to just reclaim my dog but afraid he would suffer without me even knowing if he had the alleged spleenal mass or not, (they claim it was 8 cms and another one on his bladder but did not show me the actual results).

Also torn between doing the right thing by venal callow “authority figures” disguised as healers and wanting to rescue my dog from their scientific void and avoidance and cruelty… I melted two silver discs to make rings with.

Today, deep in grief and still furious about the awful way my dog and I were maltreated…I am sanding down the silver to make a flat top to solder a bezel with. I melted down the other ring I made (the top and bezel!).

I rescued the broken Opal which I might carve into a heart shape so this will be a memento of the love I poured into my dog, all my other pets and into friends and family. Some falling like mercury into the dust: unwanted, dishonoured. So the love I have left inside me is being channeled into my jewellery.

My art. My continuing but ever-diminishing survival on Planet Zombie that used to be a magical beautiful place (for some!) until the final death throes of western civilisation that only services the rich, entitled, superficial, narcissistic, sociopathic which kicks the rest of humanity and their dogs to the kerb in crisis.

When a “charity” veterinary company could be so evil and horrific…I now know I am living amongst “Them” and only those with true hearts and minds and with souls Intact shall have access to my heart consciousness…ever ever again.

The rest are just ghosts on the machinery of evil perpetrated by the elite and the even more capricious social climbing “wannabe elites” more verminous than even the enemy could orchestrate as it’s a gift that keeps giving.

Othering. Clamouring like monkeys in a barrel for ascension. Evil and perverted they are. I will never be silenced. I will never shrink from the truth of this current reality.

You let my dog suffer terribly, also the last three cats. But vengeance is Mine saith the Lord. I will wait and watch as you crumble into the dust. Long long long after my own death, my words will remain in the ether. Echoing for eternity.

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I am gutted about my dog but have worked on this project to distract me from the extreme emotional pain. I still need to solder in the ring shank and the bezel but if I don’t melt it…it should look pretty. #titaniasrealm #creativity #mindfulness #grief #Beauregarddeservedbetter

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I posted on fb the receipts from the AES and AWL vets, also complaint sent by email to AWL head office:

By the way, if anyone else is in doubt. I paid my way. Even offered to sell my car after I could see all they cared about was money.

The vet stated he may not survive the surgery as the mass was 8 cms and they would have to go through his chest to extract it. It seemed extraordinary but I am not a vet so I don’t know what is normal treatment for a spleenal mass but what I do know is they estimated $595 for X-ray and ultrasound then told me they would not charge me for euthanasia as they acknowledged (after my complaint) that they are a charity so would not charge me.

Instead they incorporated it into the final account. Which I paid.

They got very alarmed when I stated I had run out of money and would have to surrender him to RSPCA for euthanisation if they refused to do it.

They force you to exhaust all avenues of credit. In my case Zippay as I was not eligible for Vet Pay.

So any scum bastard that tries to insinuate that I did not pay for his (mal) treatment or that I do not reasonably feel gaslighted, lied to and scammed can go fuck themselves.

Beauregard is dead because I could not afford major potentially dangerous surgery. Even when I got there to spend some time with him before the euthanasia the receptionist snidely said “We received your letter!” I did not even get a reply from Head Office. It’s disgraceful. ALL OF IT.

The fact he was held in some cage all day from 8 am (as they had “emergencies” all day)when he could have been with me is also a sadistic cruelty.

The fact I doubted my own intuition that something was terribly wrong, (in a trauma state) and did not go to be with my dog earlier (ceding to their negligence and bullying tactics) is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But I fought to be by his side and he was already doped out of his skull when I got there. (The ultrasound was at 2 pm and I arrived at 4:20 pm.). He was clearly still heavily sedated.

The only positive out of all this is my beautiful boy is no longer suffering and is at peace. I wish I was.

Simmy Sim (who is no longer my “friend”) very likely meant well when she first recommended AWL to me. But it’s not a charity. It’s something quite different. And I feel sick to my core that I went there. But I had no other option, except RSPCA whom I chose not to go there after the horror when Socks died and also I was under the Pollyanna delusion that AWL would potentially save my dog (which proved unlikely if not impossible).

So the lesson here: don’t rely on “charities”. Don’t have pets when you are on Centrelink as you are treated poorly and worse so are your pets.

Don’t trust anyone. Don’t don’t don’t

2 August 2022

Upset! I just discovered my washing machine is not washing properly. The washing comes out practically dry! Not enough water to wash the clothes!

I had to put the same load in again. I thought I was imagining it the last few days. But it’s definitely half dry.

Looks like I am back to doing everything by hand or going to laundromats. I am lucky that the machine lasted this long. 11 years!

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Busy morning. My silver spoons arrived so I am tumbling them to clean them. Then to decide if I am making earrings or rings out of them. I pulled down some silver necklaces from around my four poster bed as they are badly tarnished also.

It’s a cold bleak day. It rained earlier. So today is a good day to play with my spoons.

They are a lovely pattern by Levi and Salaman, with a green man design on them. Well I decided it was the green man because I am mystical like that lmao.

I am in a strange sort of mood. Like sitting on a fence not knowing which side to jump off. Anticipatory. A tad bored of my own environment. Like a fish in a fishbowl craving the vast expansive ocean.

Hmmmm. Swim little fish ….don’t let the confines of time and space dampen your mood. In a millisecond of thought, you can be anywhere!

2 August 2021

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@ Herston dental hospital. Found a park at 1:26 pm. Hyperventilating, but was lucky to get a park. Phew!

It took me quite a bit of processing to find the clinics as all the doors were blocked off. Lol I stood in front of a security camera to gesticulate to them that I was unable to access the building then wandered around until I found some kind staff who personally escorted me to the clinic (front entrance) although for me it was the back, as I came from Weightman street.

Surreal and discombobulating as it’s my first time here. But all good. I am checked in and waiting for my treatment.

Update: all done! No need for treatment. The dentist said the dental implant crown is sound and the crown next to it. No filling required and they are not doing them as avoiding vaporisation due to Covid.

Advised me to strive not to run my tongue over it. All good. Home I go! (Admin and clinical staff were much much better :-))

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2:51 pm home safe. I celebrated my life by getting MacDonalds on the way home and a lovely chat with my hairdresser.

Tomorrow I have my first debrief with my psych as he is back from medical leave. Life will return to some semblance of normality. (In this dystopian Covid paradigm that has been used as a fear tactic and an excuse for bad behaviour!)

Time to “pull up” the crashing plane of this Covid experience. Yuck!

We need to bring back “old school” values: community, manners and respect, and courage under extreme stress situations.

Never let the bastards grind us down!

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Feeling very flushed tonight (and this afternoon!) I know it’s not Covid but feels like hot flushes which has eased off in recent months. My face feels cool to touch but internally…I am on fire. It’s only 18 degrees so not cold but not overly warm either. Bloody menopause is killing me!

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Nods…The Dybbuk on the Roof!

2 August 2020

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The Tanya in Full Regalia. ‘Cos Achievement is not just a scrap of newspaper on a Dogs Body lmao!

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2 August 2019

11:11am sitting in the sunshine. Breathing Light.

My nephew texted me this morning. Wanted to invite me for coffee to celebrate his new house. I wished him Mazel Tov but I am not interested in shallow false people. I had not heard from him for over 7 weeks.

I am culling any family or friends who have shown me no kindness or support with my recent health crisis. Life is too short to waste on superficial people.

I had to fight for my own survival alone (again...of course!) but had support from only my very few rare champions.

Humanity is becoming more ugly and disconnected by the day.

2 August 2018

Another spectacular sunny day. I woke up happy. :-)

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We are at the dog park so Beauregard can chase his ball. I have a squeezing wheezing chest from the lovely scented mimosa (wattle flowers?) I regret not taking my Ventolin before leaving the house. All good. Used to breathing shallow and it’s such a gorgeous day.

Beau has a big happy grin on his face and my spirit is light for a change.

2 August 2017

I ordered the battery with Marshall batteries as they come out to install it. Not much more than the cost of the Mazda parts quote which I would have had to catch a bus and carry the heavy thing back home again.

So thank you to my beautiful friend who helped me with the money (and to the other friend who also offered).

I am waiting on the technician to arrive within the hour then I will be back in action again.

Such a relief as I have my debrief today. My friends are AWESOME. So good to me!

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Now fighting with Mazda as they want another $142 to "recode" the batteries on the key transponders. I have spoken to the manager. He is now looking at the batteries (which are correct! and brand new from yesterday's struggle). They want me to book car in. They are fully booked. I lost my temper.

Manager took my keys, came back 2 minutes later. Batteries were upside down?! I look so stupid now!!! But relieved it was something simple and did not have to pay another $142.

I have been so stressed over a key and a flat battery. I still can’t believe the rudeness and arrogance of the Service dept staff trying to squeeze more money out of me when all it needed was the batteries in the transponder key thingies being turned over.

Plus they were rude when I rang yesterday. Plus today they sat like Soul-sucked zombies not listening when I stated that there should be nothing wrong with the car or keys as it is only 5 years old and the flat battery should not knock out the locking system. Even the spare transponder was brand new as I never used it but gave it a new battery as it too had gone flat.

Anyway, it is resolved now, but only after I seriously lost my temper at them. The manager implied I wanted them to fix transponders for free. I said "No but I don't see how it can suddenly jump from $57 you just quoted me to $142 and you are fully booked anyway, so I will have to make a booking and I need the fucking car today!!

Anyways over and done. I seriously consider getting rid of the car as too often my beautiful Friends have to help me out to keep it on the road and I feel bad about that.

But another day and another miracle and yes Freedom of movement does keep me a bit saner.

The guy who put the car battery in commented that I have only done 48000 kms and I have done well (the original battery lasted almost 5 years). Yes. Because I can't afford too many long trips (petrol, spending money etc) so I am careful to conserve the car as long as possible.

My last little Mazda 121 lasted 22 years. I had a lot of help over the years, keeping that one going.

This car is made of plastic and is already popping its stays like a disgruntled oldtime whore in a saloon. Outrageous how poorly built modern cars are!

My last little Mazda ran for 16 years before it started giving me trouble (alternators, shock absorbers etc). It was quality built and I always highly recommended the Mazda brand. Now? Pffft!

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Crying from the stress but can report that car is working fine now, and all is back on the journey to normal.

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I pinched my sciatic nerve in my left buttock. It feels like I have been kicked. My shins are aching too. My body is reacting to the stress.

I managed to get to my debrief and my dr agreed that the car industry is awful as it makes money from selling parts etc.

After I left my appointment I went to buy some groceries: cat biscuits. Aldi no longer sells the bentonite clay cat litter so I had to buy the crystals. Which was rather annoying!

I came home, unpacked the groceries. Then collapsed with exhaustion on the couch. I think I will be resting for the rest of the week. It's been a very emotional few weeks, what with the sheep debacle last week, then unexpected car troubles yesterday and today.

My life is never dull, that is for sure!

2 August 2018

Decades ago I read an interesting book called "The Manna Machine" that posited the theory that the Ark of the Covenent was actually a food producing device that was also radioactive and needed to be stripped down and cleaned once a week (ergo the biblical injunction to gather a double portion of manna on the eve of Shabbat and to rest, as the Kohanim who had the scientific knowledge needed at that time to clean and recalibrate the machine which fed the Israelites for 40 years in the desert.

It worked on the theory (not too outlandish) that Adonai, our Jewish G-d, (The jealous smiting, easily pissed off one) was actually an Alien with superior technology (parting the Red Sea, also Moshe had to hide his face from Him on Mt Sinai to avoid the immense Light (again possible radiation burning).

He was gifted with some of their technology (raising his arms as he led the people through the desert with "a pillar of light behind them and one in front of them”).

Anyway, this gave me pause for thought. If we can make food out of microbes and electricity, then we too are becoming gods.

PS. I still believe in a Creator, a Supreme Being that created all other gods and living forms. We are all interconnected in the multiple universes/paradigms and existence.

I am not here by accident but I just wish the Eternal that seeded me here via those evil Defunct humans could just let me live my life Happy Ever After with true love, enough prosperity and a peaceful easy life as I am Done with drama/chaos/trauma and all the utter bullshit that goes with it.

Yesterday was the 9th Av. A solemn day signifying the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem and the dispersion and persecution of Jews for thousands of years.

I did not observe it. But I do not forget that I am Chosen and that this life has too often been a Hell not of my own making and I continue to fight to be alive, to be free, to love and to demonstrate the awesome power of Truth, standing up for the marginalised and the forgotten, the beaten down, the broken and those who deserved a better life.

2 August 2016

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Hahaha! I got caught out with Bobo in an epic deluge at the dog park. So my freshly coiffed blowdried hair is all ruined. Bobo needed a bath anyway so we raced home, I bathed him, stripped off my sodden clothes and had a quick shower as well. Awww! My hair looked beautiful too.

Yuppers. Jealous Freya and Thor pissed on my parade. Lmao! Hopefully the freshly blonded foils don't wash out right away lol.

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My iPhone got soaking wet in the deluge too. So now I have no sound. Grrrr!

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Trigger warning: strangulations, defunct evil relationships. Grief.

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Oh yeah!! 5 days of elevenses. But I have had happy days too. After last Monday when a terrible deep unexpected grief haunted me, which came out of the blue and did not feel like it belonged to me, I have felt much much happier. Emotional slumps are very scary. Especially when they don't seem to have a trigger.

But once again I rose from my own death-like torment and am flowing with bliss again. Cascading fountains of love and light. Even my former love interest Coming to stare at me at the casino (with a woman in tow, like a twat!) did not bring me down.

I am the queen of my own life and no man, woman or child will take control of my emotions. I gave and gave and gave and now, I will give to myself what I threw down like pearls before swine. Sweating, grunting piglets hoovering up my bliss as they were envious.

Manufacture it yourself, Twatty! You have the power. You don't need me! I don't need you either!

I will miss him however. I will miss the ebullient fulfilling love that poured out of me. Nothing wasted. Everything to gain. His rejection means I get me back. I will rebuild Me! Increase the dose of love and light and fight for myself as I have always done.

Nil Carborendum Et Bastardoes. They have their own journeys of self-discovery. These kinds of men who want to control me always always Lose in the end. Love is a fire that burns bright, or smoulders in dying embers but it is easily fanned into a great inferno.

As long as one tiny spark is kept precious. It will flare again. They will have to begin as they ended, voyeurs and witnesses to my joy. From afar. From across a room, or far far away in another dimension.

Watch and learn, you Davidian Reptilians, you knew not whom you stood before. You judged me poorly. You deemed me weak. You miscalculated the depths of my love and later my forgiveness. You abused and abused and now you are sorry. Too little too late. Hahahaha! Funny old world, innit?!

I still remember Davidson Devo, throwing a tantrum. "You think G-D is on your side!" I turned my head, ever so slowly, a smirk playing upon my lips. Watching the dangerous Man/Child/Whore devolve with guilt and shame and so much hate.

"Really, David? Does G-D even take sides? I see no evidence of it". He broke down, in front of me. He knew, then and there that I was onto him, colluding with my enemies, then deriding and mocking me (when he wasn't still trying to fuck me!).

Pathetic little sex addict. Lmao! But, after all is said and done. I am free and I am happy. I told him there would come a day he would grovel at my feet and I would step over him like the lousy worthless scumbag cur he was.

For four nights he hammered at my door. But I was merciful. "Go into the light. I don't forgive you. I will Never ever forgive you, but I release you into the Light".

I don't want that filth in my energy. He can fuck off. But he did not leave so easily. His obsession following him to his grave. He hated my freedom. Was envious of it. Tried to kill me. Tried to rob me of my joy.

A mere amateur. His hands on my throat. "Go on, finish me! Do it! do it! Maybe you will be The One to get lucky this time". He fell onto his couch, put his face into his hands and sobbed.

I realised then. I was dealing with a dangerous baby boy. A former officer in the Israeli Navy. But a weak soulless fuck.

In Kabbalah classes his friend Emmanuel went out of his way to humiliate me also. Constantly made foul comments about my vagina, my womanliness. I ignored it. I am a warrior. I am more than a receptacle of men's lust and men's hate.

After several months of this, I walked out of those classes. I never went back. Fuck them and their filthy contempt of a woman. They must have been psychic after all, as 7 years later I needed major surgery on my womanly bits. But I survived. My femme fatale status, newly hitched, repaired and strengthened. Minus the defunct diseased womb that had made me so sick for years. It took 2 years to fully recover.

Then another 7 years to get my mind/spirit/body reintegrated. Finally, after 20 years, free of antidepressants and abusive malignant soul-destroying vagina-debasing men.

I wonder how or where I will be in another 7 years? By then I will be 58. Will I even be alive? Interesting to ponder. The huge turning points of my life and my vapid enemies.

I hear that one of them, of genital-exposing infamy is now selling dog shit out the front of her house as the RSPCA removed her bull. So she is out of bullshit. But her mind is still a leaky mass of shittiness.

Karma. Karma. Karma.

Schadenfreude. I must beware. I could die laughing.

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2 August 2015

5.43 am. I danced wildly all night. Just had a hot epsom salt bath to soothe my feet.

Now watching Orange is the new Black. Sitting in bed with some very happy pussycats. Socks and Penny. Must be a Blue Moon as he is not usually permitted on the bed when Penny is here. You should hear his loud smug Boychick purring.

I got home at 4.20am. I woke up Herman Rooster. The sound of my car. So I had to bring him inside, tighten his No Crow Collar, cuddle him, give him some banana (which he was rapt about) then put him back in the coop. He quietened right down.

It's almost dawn so I suspect he will start up again. He is sooo cute though. The tiniest little cock with shiny black feathers and an absolute Mama's boy!

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I am baking an apple rhubarb pie with the lovely fruit and veges Lyn got for me. I haven't made one before. I hope it is yummy.

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2 August 2014

Home safe from a wonderful night out with Karen, Shauna, Sam, Steph, Ron and Chrissie. We danced to Berst who are just awesome! Then Karen spoilt me with a Kebab at the end of the night. Then I danced with George for a while.

Boy, do my feet hurt but I feel great! Time to schluff as I am spending time with Jarrod tomorrow. Woot! I love my friends!

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Mad insane craving for Ice cream! At 3.26 am! Lmao! So eating some and about to have a nice cup of tea like the sophisticated middle-aged lady I am ;-)

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Watching Foxtel at Jarrod's. Show on Annie Liebovitz. Interesting!

We had fish and chips and a windy walk along Thompsons Beach. It was cold and blustery and reminded me of my childhood in Island Bay, Wellington NZ. Beautiful, powerful stuff.

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2 August 2013

ROAD TRIP!!!! To Grafton...7 hours driving.. To buy a rabbit for Crystal and her Clown! Epic! O M G! Took ages for her to get License approval and now the quest for the perfect Bunny Begins.

There is no business like show business!

2 August 2011

I just burst my own bubble, now I can drain freely again. Or die! Freefalling emotions, despair, unrequited Love, abandonment, rejection, Loss. Grief, so much grief. When will it end?

"Losing Love is Like a Window in your Heart, everyone sees the Wind Blow"..yeah thanks Paul Simon...somehow this is not comforting. I need to blow Life back into my heart again, without exploding. It's a finely wrought Balance and I'm definitely Off Key. Fuck!

Update 2 August 2025: Lessons will be repeated until they are learned…or not! Same hell Loop. I feel close to dying right now. My reflux was severe most of the evening and night. I passed out with exhaustion eventually. Ironically my bladder behaved. So it’s my other sphincter muscles in my stomach that are killing me now. Not sure how much longer I can hold on to this body, this life. It’s too too arduous…but what does the Mama T excel at best? Survival.

I was a fire breathing dragon all night long. Robyn and Peter rang me and I told them I could strike a match off what my body is emanating from my insides right now and burn the city to the ground. We laughed. Dying can be funny sometimes. But I don’t actually die for real. I fly back and back into this body, this life and each morning I scrape myself together and start again. Slightly reconfigured like dust on a cymatic plate. Oh the gods had fun with me while I slept…I can sense it. I am slightly improved. Psy sighs

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I spent day on the Net, looking for Shark Teeth pendants for my mojo, then got hooked looking at Chamsas, now just got back from a brisk cold walk at dusk so Miss Bella doesn't go insane, and pondering on a much saner day than I had yesterday! Perhaps the distraction with jewellery helped?

2 August 2010

I had a lovely day yesterday with my darling Courtenay and his mother Sybil, celebrating his 44th birthday. Then, later in the afternoon, I crashed and burned with sheer exhaustion after a week of sleepless late nights and frenetic activity. LOL I knew it was too good to be true.

Sybil cooked us a lovely roast luncheon and we shared a happy day so that was great!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons