Maybe I'm Shitty

I've never owned a car with a working cruise control.

According to Chatgpt that means that I need to be more in the moment, be more aware of things, stay in the present.

My therapist says I need to be mindful. To take walks, stay in the moment, be mindful of my surroundings.

My boyfriend thinks I'm too serious.

My friend says she hopes I find peace.

My therapist doesn't think I take accountability.

Have I been coasting?

I'd rather my car have cruise control, if I'm being honest.

That way when I'm smoking and driving, I can stay at 55-miles an hour on Route 24.

When I'm walking, or driving, I'm usually in my head.

"There's a tree?" Nothing about that tree?

"There's a rabbit?" That's it, so boring.

Sometimes I misjudge distance while driving.

I get in the turn lane way before my turn.

Today, for the first time, two times in a row, that caused an almost issue.

I didn't learn from my lesson, but maybe I will. I hope I will?

Or will I keep coasting? Lost in my own thoughts, brought down by my own delusions.

Delusions of grandeur, my therapist called it.

Rude. Honestly, it feels rude. Why can't I look up to great people and aspire to do great things and

I have an attitude?

Apparently. Maybe. Okay, I do.

Fuck you.

I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm not trying to play games,

But here I am, angry at my own writing. My own thoughts, my own actions.

Fuck you, to me, from me.

Are you ready to go there?

The O.P.

Delighted the actions I've felt so much guilt and resentment over finally have a light shed on them and I don't feel like I have to hide anymore? I didn't predict that.

Do I deserve this to be happening? Does my husband have a leg to stand? Or is this blown way out of proportion?

Have I been bad for my children? Am I to blame for this major childhood trauma my daughter, more so than my son, is facing right now?

How long can I keep up the lie to them that mommy is recovering from the hospital? How many times can I tell them that they can't drive in my car because I need to take it in to the mechanic?

Therapist: you want me to be honest, dude? Full-transparency?

I'm speechless. I can see how the chaos of my life has tumbled into each other, one after the other of carelessness and poor decisions. I've been coasting, most of my life. I don't have the energy for a lot, most of the time. I'm tired.

And I've got to get up in the morning, and keep a consultation with a lawyer and keep a GAL appointment, that I somehow scheduled on the same day, within 30-minutes of each other. One's in person, one's over the phone. I tried to reschedule the phone consultation for later in the day, she said she'd get back to me, she has not. Which means she'll likely call me tomorrow, while I'm at work, where I have no cell service.

So I'll see her voicemail, hopefully, around 2:30, and I have 30 minutes to make my GAL appointment in Lewistown.

So, am I being defensive? I'm scared. I'm trying to push the narrative that I'm okay, while being the most okay I've ever been, while also under immense stress, and I'm taking my medicine, that helps.

Sorry.