Manager, Daily Routine

RE: RE re: Open position: Manager, Daily Routine JOB: # 6-21-311iT

TO: Aschenputtel, Brecken

FROM: Manresources, Hugh

Below is a copy of the resignation letter you requested. You are allowed to discuss points from this letter with candidates, anonymously, if it is beneficial to the corporate goals, but to answer your question, no you may not provide copies of this letter. It would be highly unprofessional and I don’t recommend it. If you have to be called in, it will be to my office and I don't want that for either of us.

You did have another candidate come over this morning. The position is closed to candidates now, so it will be the final one. Has a little too much experience, in my opinion, but she seems to be a cultural fit. Make sure to check out her CV before you make any formal decisions.

Also, are you going to the corndog festival next week? I was thinking about bringing the wife and the kids and none of us can stop talking about your delicious jello salad you had at the potluck.

Say hey to Cinder for us. Judy wants her to wear that matching red dress.

Thanks,

Hugh Manresources

Director of Human Resources

Life, Inc.

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To whom it may concern,

After thorough consideration I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to seek new opportunities. Consider this letter my formal resignation. I will, of course, provide the standard two weeks’ notice to begin immediately upon submission of this letter and I hope that you may use the information in this letter to provide a better experience for the next person.

This was supposed to be my dream position, but it just seems like my expectations from the time I received it to now have been both underwhelming and also, somehow, more than expected. Let me list out an average day.

1. I am required to wake up.

It’s like, I woke up yesterday and now I have to do it again. What’s next, tomorrow? You must consider that I probably stayed up late, and not because I wanted to, no, I had to relive the day before and every moment that I could have made less awkward or more successful. When I finally fell asleep I either had a blisteringly terrible dream about crushing my teeth into shards or an intense sex dream about that hot couple from the coffee shop. Either way is better than being awake. It’s like, help I’m awake, right?

2. I am required to get up.

You might be thinking, “how is this different than wake up?” Trust me, these are completely distinct aspects of the job. It could literally take me my entire day to wake up and now you also expect me to get up? In the same day?! I am comfy. I am warm. The Wi-Fi is working. Honestly, it’s adding insult to injury.

3. Do stuff.

I did enjoy some of this stuff, but ultimately I had to consider if the good exceeded the bad. Was the joy of eating, the gratification of sex, and the pure delight of sleep enough to outweigh the constant stuff? It could have been, yes, except that it wasn’t just stuff. It became things, and then tasks, and then responsibilities. Somehow, if I didn’t perform this stuff and things I wasn’t allowed to provide myself with tradeable wage that would equate to food and shelter and social interaction. I was down to sleep and then you took that away from me too (see daily task item number one for reference.)

4. Health and Fitness.

I get that we have to do what we have to do to survive. So I woke up, and I got up, and did stuff… but then I had to do it while also healthy, mentally and physically, and it was a constant inflow of paperwork. It involved medication, kale and quinoa, healthy friendships, and a constant self-assessment. I had to do this all on my own time, too. What little time I was aloud.

5. Go to bed.

You woke me up in the morning just to have to go to bed RIGHT AS I’VE GOT MY GROOVE. Yeah, right at the moment I’m finally adjusted to being awake, I’ve had 7 coffees somehow, and you want me to go to bed. JUST TO DO IT AGAIN! That’s right, start this list over on step one and repeat. Over and over until I die an old man.

Maybe I sound a little bitter, but the truth is that my resignation is going to be the best for both of us. You will be able to fill this position with someone that really enjoys managing their daily routine and me? I’ll... not do that and I will be just fine.

Plus, it really wasn’t all that bad. I have to say my favorite things included, but are not limited to: the first pee of the morning, lunch with friends, and, of course, my favorite thing of all being that post-work nap roulette. I was a winner whether it was a 30 minute cat nap or a three hour white whale of a snooze.

The entire experience has been one that will stay with me forever and I can’t say I’m not grateful to learn the lessons I’ve learned here. I will have a better future because of it because it helped me understand the options available to me.

You can send my last paycheck to my bed. If you happen to not find me wrapped in warm, fuzzy, blankets I may be either in a warm shower or making a leftover sandwich in the kitchen. Either way, I will get back to those bosomy soft pillows I lay my head upon before you can spit.

Leave me,

You will not find me,

Amos Glade

Manager, Daily Routine

Life, Inc

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