Lies Told at the Job Interview

Remember that childhood hack of crossing your fingers to invalidate an outright lie? This is why everyone’s hands are on the table during an interview — to convey honesty and transparency. See, no crossies here!

However, just because no one has their fingers crossed during the interview doesn’t mean no one’s trying to pull the wool over the others’ eyes.

The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth

The courts make people on the stand to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, to ensure that all the facts presented are accurate, material and non-misleading.

What is the difference between the three truths?

The Truth

“I stole a muffin” (yes, but fails to mention the donut)

The Whole Truth

“I stole a muffin and a donut” (mention the donut)

Nothing but the Truth

“I stole a muffin and a donut to give to the homeless man” (but it was you who ate both, not him)

Any combination of only one or two of the aforementioned truths results in a half-truth. If everyone at job interviews had to take an oath, it would be a hotbed of corporate perjury.

The Candidate Lies

Applicants show up to sell themselves to the company — that’s universally understood. Hair, clothes and makeup are on point. They’re on their best behavior. They use sentences and grammar that are never heard outside of the interview room. Yes, punctuality is in the core of my being. My greatest strength is my ability to anticipate problems before they occur.

The expectation is that the resume, the letters of recommendation, and the words that come out of the candidate are padded with a thin layer of fluff.

Why did you leave your previous job?

“I realized there was no longer any room for growth” — I haven’t updated my skill set and I need a job where I can keep using only what I know.

What was your last pay rate?

“It was just over six figures” — I’m talking per month, and I’m counting the decimals. Any number given is inflated; everyone at the table knows it. Each side of the table knows the other side knows the number given is bogus.

What is your biggest weakness?

“My health has suffered because I spend too much time at the office” — Browsing Reddit after hours because my wife and I are having issues.

What was the biggest challenge you’ve had to overcome at work?

“It was always a challenge leading people who didn’t quite care about the outcome as much as I do” — I defer everything and check on the progress when the deadline gets close.

You’ve worked at three jobs in the last year. Why is that?

“I like to be challenged and each job didn’t stimulate me intellectually” — My skill set was put to the test quite well, but my impostor syndrome is all too real.

The Interview Panel Lies

A savvy candidate knows to ask the interview panel probing questions about the company, the culture, the people or any other relevant aspect regarding the position.

The responses can be carefully crafted to convey just enough information to appease the candidate.

Why did the person before me leave?

“The person before you left for personal reasons” — Her boss, a person, was creepy but he’s the CEO’s nephew and we can’t fire him.

Is there an opportunity for advancement?

“Yes, you will have the opportunity to apply for a promotion after a year” — Of course you can apply, but we’ll still pick Jane because she’s been here longer, and she makes the best cookies!

How many holidays do we get?

“We observe 11 holidays,” without mentioning the email that went out last week that cuts that number down to eight by the time you onboard.

As an exempt employee, how much overtime is to be expected?

“We do have to work overtime some days” — 3 times a week is accurately described by “some days.”

What do you love about working here?

“The best thing about working here are the people” —I’m talking about my department; the people in your team are assholes.

How long have you worked here?

“Oh, I’ve been here almost 15 years” — because this was my first job out of high school and I’m underqualified to go anywhere else.

The Job Posting Lies

Most of the time, the actual job postings are copy-pasted from some template in the HR software, reused from previous postings, or cobbled together from the internet with a lot of unnecessary requirements.

In addition, the verbiage will attempt to sell the workplace as the most amazing company to ever exist. Of course it would, who would want to work at a toxic dump where back-stabbing is how the majority of the workers get their daily exercise?

“Everyone treats each other like family” — because everyone is family. Can you say nepotism?

“Check out our awesome team-building events!” — Old pictures, before the acquisition. The new parent company has cut the budget.

“We have 4.5 stars on Glassdoor” — We held a raffle to encourage our staff to write the reviews.

“College degree or relevant industry experience required” — trumped by shared DNA or the ability to tell stories that start with “Hey, remember that time we…”

“10% travel requirement” — No, you’re not going anywhere. All our postings say that.

“Tuition assistance for college education” — But you must work for us for 2 years after your degree. If you leave sooner, you must pay us back.

“Must be a highly motivated team player” — you would have to be since we’ll call you on weekends and after hours…a lot!

…and the big one, despite being illegal and unethical…

“We are an equal opportunity company” — we knew the moment you walked in the door that you didn’t have a prayer when we saw what you looked like — we’re still going to go through the motions of asking a few questions, though. For some of you, we couldn’t read your name so it went in the NO pile.

At the End of the Day, it’s Just White Lies

Even though white lies and and sprinkles of cow manure abound at the interview, obviously, it’s not all lies. When HR mentions the necessary background check, you better believe that’s going to happen.

When the hiring manager mentions that “yes, we cater lunches all the time, ” it’s not clear that it’s always cheese pizza from the Chinese restaurant every Year of the Pig — and it’s never enough to feed everyone.

It’s sugar-coating, putting lipstick on a pig, and a bit of upselling for “the good of everyone” involved, much like crunching up the the flea medicine in Fluffy’s Purina. You’ve learned from previous attempts that there is no way she’s swallowing that tiny tablet by itself.

The interview ends when —

• the clock marks the end of the session allowing another candidate to present their spiel
• both sides have placed all their bullshit chips on the table
• one side of the table fails to convince the other side of the veracity of their own claims

Business must continue. The business needs bodies to fill the empty seats. There will always be someone willing to spin some yarn to fill the slots. Everyone wins. Everyone’s happy — mostly.