Joy Thief

Ever find yourself lost in a sea of other's achievements, wondering where you went wrong?

It's a peculiar habit we've cultivated, isn't it?

One minute you're seeking connection, the next you're adrift in a sea of seemingly perfect lives, wondering if you missed some crucial memo on how to ‘adult’ successfully.

You're scrolling through social media, and suddenly everyone seems to have it all figured out - dream jobs, perfect relationships, exotic vacations.

Meanwhile, you're just trying to remember if you took the laundry out, if the bills were paid, and you might just be questioning if you even remembered to defrost dinner. It's like everyone else got a manual for life, and yours is perpetually lost in the post.

They say "comparison is the thief of joy," and honestly, they couldn't be more right.

When we stack our lives against others, in our hyper-connected age, it rings with a startling, almost uncomfortable, truth.

When we begin to measure our own lives against the meticulously crafted highlight reels of others, we're unknowingly handing over the keys to our happiness.

We're letting an outside yardstick measure our worth, one that, more often than not, will leave us feeling…wanting.

And spoiler alert, it’s a rigged game, designed to leave us feeling like we’ve come up short.

But why do we do this?

Why do we willingly subject ourselves to this emotional audit, this often painful self-assessment against a phantom ideal?

It appears to be deeply ingrained within our human nature.

Back in 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger proposed his Social Comparison Theory, a concept that suggests we evaluate our own worth, both social and personal, by observing how we measure up against those around us.

In its essence, it's an echo of our primal survival mechanism, a way to gauge our standing within the tribe/society, to understand where we fit within the societal hierarchy.

But in today's digitally saturated world, it's like drinking from a fire hose of other people's curated realities. We are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of ‘perfect’ lives paraded before us.

Consider, for a moment, the very nature of social media itself.

It’s a meticulously crafted stage, isn’t it?

A highlight reel, carefully curated and strategically edited.

Think about it honestly, does anyone truly post about the simmering argument over whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher? No one posts about the argument they had with their spouse over burnt toast or the quiet dread that accompanies the arrival of yet another stack of bills.

We are presented with their red carpet moments, the triumphant summits, the picture-perfect vignettes, stripped of context and devoid of the everyday humdrum that constitutes the vast majority of lived experience.

We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's red carpet moments.

Is it any wonder we feel a pang of inadequacy?

There’s that familiar saying too, isn’t there?

“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” It’s a sentiment that speaks directly to this feeling of comparative lack. Well, here's the twist, if you water your own grass, tend to its needs, and invest in its growth, it too, will flourish.

The same principle holds true for our lives.

Let me share a story, Alex was obsessed with his college friend's rapid career progression. For a considerable period, Alex was almost consumed by envy.

Each LinkedIn update, each promotion announcement his friend shared, felt like a subtle, yet pointed, jab at Alex’s own career, which, in his eyes, seemed to have stalled somewhere along the way.

This constant comparison became an unwelcome lodger in his mind, leading to restless nights and a persistent undercurrent of anxiety throughout his days.

One day, driven by a mix of curiosity and perhaps a desire to understand this seemingly effortless success, Alex reached out to his friend, simply to offer congratulations.

What unfolded during their conversation was unexpectedly revealing. Behind the polished LinkedIn profile and the rapid promotions, his friend confessed to feeling utterly miserable.

Burnout was setting in, the relentless pressure was taking its toll, and beneath the veneer of success, he was actually longing for a simpler, more balanced life a life, ironically, much like the one Alex already possessed.

It was, for Alex, a stark and profoundly impactful wake-up call. The carefully curated image of success he had been so envious of, concealed a reality far more complex and far less enviable, than he had ever imagined.

So, how do we begin to dismantle this insidious habit of comparison, this joy-stealing tendency that seems so deeply woven into the fabric of modern life?

Here are a few practical steps, small shifts in perspective and action that can begin to loosen the grip of comparison and reclaim your inherent joy.

Firstly, embrace the simple, yet profoundly powerful practice of daily gratitude. Consider keeping a gratitude journal.

Each day, take a few moments to consciously note down three things, however small, for which you feel genuinely thankful.

These needn't be monumental life events. Perhaps it was the perfectly brewed cup of coffee that started your morning, or the unexpected kindness of a stranger, or simply catching the bus just as it was pulling away. These small acknowledgements of the good in your own life begin to shift your focus from what you lack to what you already possess.

Secondly, consciously set personal goals, anchored in your own values and aspirations, not in the projected ideals of others.

Shift your focus from the external to the internal compass. When you are actively engaged in pursuing your own authentically defined ambitions, the achievements of others begin to recede into the background, becoming far less relevant to your own sense of progress and fulfilment.

Thirdly, and perhaps somewhat counter-intuitively in our digitally driven world, consider limiting your exposure to social media.

Utilise apps designed to monitor and, if desired, restrict your screen time. The simple principle of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ holds considerable power here.

Replace some of that consciously reclaimed digital time with activities that genuinely replenish and bring you joy in the real world, a walk in nature, a conversation with a loved one, immersing yourself in a good book, or pursuing a creative hobby.

Fourthly, explore the transformative potential of mindfulness and meditation.

A wealth of apps, offer guided meditations suitable for all levels of experience, often in bite-sized, manageable sessions.

Cultivating presence, learning to anchor yourself in the ‘now’, significantly diminishes the incessant urge to compare, which so often pulls us out of our own lived reality and into a fabricated world of ‘what ifs and ‘if only's.

Finally, be mindful of your social environment. As the motivational speaker Jim Rohn wisely observed, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Choose your companions consciously.

Surround yourself with individuals who uplift, inspire, and genuinely support your growth, rather than those who, consciously or unconsciously, contribute to feelings of inadequacy or ‘less than’.

Each of us is on our own unique journey. Others, whom we may glimpse along the way, are travelling on their own distinct roads, driving different cars, heading towards entirely different destinations. Focus on your own route.

Comparing your vehicle to someone else’s, or fretting over whether their route seems more scenic, will not propel you towards your own intended destination any faster. It simply distracts you from the road ahead, the journey you are actually on.

Studies originating from the University of California have suggested a direct correlation between social comparison and a cluster of negative emotional states, including feelings of envy, diminished self-esteem, and even symptoms of depression.

Conversely, those who cultivate self-compassion, who learn to treat themselves with the same kindness and understanding they would offer a friend, tend to exhibit significantly higher levels of happiness, resilience, and overall well-being.

Embrace your own path. It’s a unique and irreplaceable tapestry woven from your individual struggles, triumphs, and experiences. These are not flaws, they are the very threads that shape you into who you are, a singular, irreplaceable masterpiece, uniquely and exquisitely yourself.

So, the next time you feel the subtle, insidious creep of the ‘joy thief’, recognise it for what it is.

Acknowledge that the impulse to compare is a natural human tendency, but it is not, crucially, a mandatory one.

Make a conscious choice to redirect that energy inward. Celebrate your own progress, acknowledge your own achievements, however seemingly small or insignificant they may appear in the grand scheme of things.

Let this quote resonate with you: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self,” powerfully articulated by Iyanla Vanzant.

Allow it to be a constant reminder of the inherent harm in measuring your worth against external, often illusory, standards.

Finally, for an actionable challenge, consider this

For one week, make a conscious commitment to genuinely compliment others. Actively seek out opportunities to appreciate and acknowledge the strengths and positive qualities you observe in those around you.

This simple act of consciously shifting from comparison to appreciation can subtly, yet powerfully, rewire your mindset, fostering a greater sense of connection and contentment, and further diminishing the joy thief’s unwelcome influence in your life.

Consider this too

Have you ever truly contemplated how embracing your own unique self, imperfections and all, might actually unlock unforeseen opportunities?

It's a fascinating paradox, isn't it? When we finally cease the exhausting, often futile, act of comparing ourselves to others, we free ourselves to truly begin living authentically.

And in that space of authenticity, doors begin to open doors we may never have even realised existed, simply because we are finally aligned with our own true selves, walking our own unique path, in our own uniquely beautiful way.

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