Journal 1

Dear ME,

It's 2am and I just finished watching this Netflix German series called Casandra. It's wasn't that bad because I was watching it to kill some time. The series is about a human who's put inside a robot so she can stay alive with her kids. But just like our lives we do things thinking it would make us happy but in the end it turns out to be different. It was a bit eerie and strange to watch but the genre was thriller ( Subtle-- ish )

The series shows how Casandra a mother protects her kids and wants to stay with them forever ( to my understanding that the series was about that). Humans are evil and the only person who would protect you is your family and Obviously our mothers. One should watch it to understand it as I'm not writing a review about the show rather i want to tell you why I'm up until 2am.

Lately, I've been binge eating/ overeating. I would order food behind my family's back and eat it in my room. It's not a one time thing I've been doing it ever since i got back from China. For the entire 5 month's that i stayed in China, I was pretty much forced to eat outside which i loved but that soon became a habit that got very hard to break and here I'm still doing it. It's been 2 weeks since I came back to the country I was born in (I'm still figuring out where my home is , That's why I had to use the weird phrase " back to the country i was born in") and my routines been bad.

That is what is keeping me up. my baD bAD BAD routine. I usually sleep around 2 am - 3 am and get up at 11 pm or 1 pm. I eat, watch T.V, eat again, sometimes watch Porno, eat, and when it's time to sleep i just do some stuff like this instead ( watching series or writing a journal , its my first time doing something productive at 2am ). I guess my unemployment's finally not making sense. I have no desire to do anything. I'm overweight by 20 - 15 kgs. I feel bad about it but i don't take any responsibility to make myself feel better . I'm broke . I'm 23 this year and i still live under my parents roof ( which is very common where I'm from but Nah i wanna make myself proud by at least renting a house for starters ).

It's going to be almost 2 years now since i graduated from my bachelor's in Business administration. Haven't figured out what to do in life , no ambition, fat ( reminding myself again that i really need to be healthy ), no career or ambition. Damn, writing this at 2:44 am (been writing it for the past 44 mins which is quiet funny ) really does hit me hard . I should stop wasting my time and start taking advantage of myself and my youth. I'm young af and I just feel heavy because of my weight and I'm unable to enjoy things because I feel so insecure all the time. This is my time to feel my lightest, go on dates, have sex, party and travel without worrying about if that dress would fit me or be embarrassed about my body to the extent that i avoid dating or enjoy sex only with the lights off because I feel like a potato.

Maybe i should just go take some rest or I would just stay up until sunrise yapping about my life.