Introductions

Hi, my name is Sierra. I normally go by C. I thought it would be a good idea to let you know a little bit about myself.

Firstly, if you haven't yet seen the giant blown-up faces on my banner yet - that's me and my ex-fiance. He was the light of my life. We split over six years ago.

And he's a pretty big reason I started this whole blog in the first place.

If you actually make it to the end of this, thank you so much! If not, no hard feelings. After all, why on earth would you want to read about someone you'd literally never met or had a conversation with?

All suggestions for topics are welcome :)

My favorite color is green.

I have always wanted a skunk, a great dane, and two praying mantises (the giant ones in particular) as pets.

I'm a Virgo, an INTJ, and perfectly imperfect.

I don't believe in horoscopes, but I read them.

I don't believe in the MBTI, but I like to know the 'personality types' of the people closest to me.

I'm a constant advocate for the Devil - no, I'm not preaching Satanism, but if that's your thing more power to you. Rather I just constantly see things from various perspectives and feel like they, too, should be heard. Whether I agree or not.

I absolutely love writing. I live and breathe it.

Although I'm an introvert, I'm open to a fault. So of course I love old shit and typewriters.

I'm huge on accountability, responsibility, and apologizing. I am the Queen of Walmart apologies.

I understand everyone is an individual and everyone has good and bad days. I try not to be a doormat. I'm a doormat.

I lost the love of my life when I was 22-years-old. My intensity was difficult for him at first. My PPD and increasing isolation of myself practically threw him out of my arms.

I do not make excuses. I give explanations. It was almost entirely my fault.

I gained 14 pounds during the pandemic and like to be mad about it while doing my ten minutes of various crunch exercises - knowing the whole time it won't get me anywhere.

By day, I'm a data processing specialist. That's a fancy word for 'me turn your files into other file formats and save them so I can enter into big, boxy thing'.

I absolutely love spreadsheets and get severely disappointed when I make a particularly beautiful one and no one cares. Which happens often.

My mother and donor-dad both have severe mental issues. I'll probably end up getting into them in a later blog.

I'm grotesquely terrified of mental health professionals.

I'm pretty broken.

A lot of the time, I don't feel like I deserve love or attention. And all of the time I sit there wondering if someone could actually love a broken person without pitying them - because I won't stand for that shit and, if that ends up being the case, I'm probably forever alone.

I'm not afraid of being forever alone. It's just a fact of life for some people. But most people have friends. I ostracized mine long ago.

I love learning. I'm obsessed with it. I have various obsessions from serial killers to volcanoes to entomology to anthropology to bioluminescence. So, of course, I take a bunch of random courses on Coursera (no, this is not an affiliate link, I just like them).

I've been certified in SEO marketing and content marketing (I hate marketing), digital acquisition and preservation of materials, and genetics & society.

Darwin and Nietzsche are two of my favorite historical people.

I have dual dreams for my future, and I can't pick one. On the one hand, I'd love to work for a researcher or a museum within a field of interest for me as an archivist or data manager. On the other hand, I'd love to simply sit and write novels for a living. Unfortunately, most of my novels end up in limbo and never get finished simply because I get stuck.

I don't believe I'm very interesting or smart. I just think that I've got things to say that just might, by some accidental force, end up with the right people at the right time sometimes.

I'm strong, even when I don't seem like it. I'm strong even when I don't feel like it. We all are.

I'm not vulnerable. Maybe I hide my emotions and feelings too much, which usually leads me to emotionally vomit on poor unsuspecting people from time to time. Sorry, multiple strangers who know way too much about my personal life. I've gotten better.

I believe in second chances.

I don't believe in love at first sight.

I don't cry very often, but when I do it's usually for a whole day.

I feel the need to be strong for everyone around me. So yeah, I get burned down and out easily.

Tattoos and piercings are therapeutic - change my mind!

I'm not desperate. In my opinion, there's a huge difference between being so lonely you'll jump at anyone who gives you the attention and being someone who loathes attention and compliments but enjoys them from one person in specific.

I try not to judge people, but I'm judgmental by nature. Not in a mean way, kind of like trusting your intuition a little too much because it works so well with the people you know well, but then using it on someone you don't know very well and getting it wrong.

I get my hopes up... ridiculously easy. And it shows. It's close to uncontrollable, but I try.

I have anxiety tics and prolonged, severe stress has sent me into a literal day-long coma from time to time. That scares the shit out of me.

I don't truly love easily, but when I do it's extremely deep.

I'm not impulsive. Not even a little (logically, anyway). I plan my days down to what I can't count, and my months even more so. I have spreadsheets and planners and lists galore.

But I'm emotionally impulsive. It's gotten better with age and perseverance, but only after I made probably some of the dumbest decisions I had ever made first. When I get hurt emotionally, it kicks off that instinct to be impulsive. It's self-sabotaging behavior.

Most people think it happens to hurt those I love, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It sure seems that way, and it most definitely does anyway. But it's more because I don't feel worthy. I feel like I deserve that hurt for what I did. And the more hurt I am, the worse that behavior is. Or was.

More to come on trauma.

I'm traumatized by cars, yelling, and weapons - mainly guns.

I used to run a small - just me - freelance company that did fairly well. I did content writing, content strategizing, ghostwriting for SEO and novel purposes. But I couldn't figure out which avenue to take or which would keep my family and me stable - so I went back to a regular 9-5. It was easier and less stressful.

In my early days, I worked for a phone line and did some modeling to help put some cushion in my wallet. It didn't last too long.

I hate compliments - which is something my ex-fiance seems to remember (ha, funny joke). I prefer solid criticism and constructive feedback. How am I supposed to constantly be better and work on things if all you do is shower me with uncomfortable compliments?! Yeck.

FUN FACT: I actually requested that my boss and co-workers don't compliment me when I catch errors in files. It just feels condescending to me. Although I understand they do this when it's necessary now.

I don't think I'm pretty or ugly. I think everyone has a preference and if I fit it, they will automatically think I'm slightly more attractive than those who don't.

I don't have 'a type'.

I hate wearing makeup. Another funny thing, I haven't worn makeup really in almost over a year, and just recently started wearing it when, you guessed it, my ex-fiance and I began speaking again.

I'm a conflicted person 24/7. I don't like to burden people. I don't like to feel needy. I love to be needed and useful. But the few occasions I try to open up when I really need to I get shut down so I guess I'm just used to the rejection.

I'm bisexual, but I don't agree with the LGBTQ+ movement.

I'm independent and don't swing either way (politically or generally ha). I even took that test and I am smack in the middle of everything. So I win. (again, no affiliate link I just feel it's appropriate to link what I mention).

I don't believe in doing what you love for money (if you haven't noticed). Once it becomes about money, you become a sell-out.

I'm a fanatical boycotter. If I disagree with you vehemently, you will never get another thing from me. Not normal disagreements like, "Oh, I disagree but I see where they're coming from." I mean full-blown your attitude is shit, your idea is shit, you pushing it on people is shit, and I don't like you.

For example, I boycott Tom Cruise (the only movie I like of his is Legend - before he was crazy), Coca Cola (because they just pander hardcore and everyone should be disgusted with that), and Demi Lovato (which is actually sad because I love some of her songs and can no longer listen to them).

As much as it probably doesn't seem like it at this point, I'm a good person. I'm man enough to forgive myself and humble enough to admit I'm wrong - maybe too much. I hope you find something here that can give you hope and support for whatever you're going through, even if it's just to feel better and feel like your situation's 'not that bad'. Whatever you need, I hope you find it wherever suits you. Happy life everyone <3

Well, that's about as much as I can muster. Happy reading, regardless of where you go from here :) Thank you for taking the time to read through this if you got to the end! <3