In the Deep Dark Sea

That night. That very night—when everything changed. The picture of my life, the way I saw the world, shifted in an instant. What led me to this decision, I can't fully explain. It was spontaneous, an action driven by something deeper than I could comprehend. I didn’t think it through; if I had, I’m sure I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But life, it seems, has a way of taking us places we aren’t prepared for. For me, it led me to this deep, dark sea earlier than expected. I reached that point much sooner than I thought I would.

This decision, this moment, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There’s no question about that. No matter how much I struggled, it didn’t make it any easier. What I did may not be visible to the outside world, but the battle I fought raged fiercely inside my mind. No one understands what I’ve gone through, what I’ve suffered, because no one can see what’s happening within me.

I used to be more expressive with my emotions. My feelings would show on my face, on my body. The world could tell when I was upset, happy, or hurt. But now, that picture has changed. I’ve learned to hide it. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. I lock my struggles away, deep within. I don’t let anyone in.

And maybe that’s the punishment I’ve given myself. To struggle in silence, to carry the burden alone. It’s a self-imposed isolation. I know I don’t have to bear this on my own, but I choose to. The pain, the confusion, the regret—they’re mine and mine alone to carry. Perhaps because I was the one who made the first move, the one who created this mess. I am the culprit, and in my mind, that means the world will only see me as the one at fault. They won’t understand. They won’t know what’s truly happening beneath the surface.

The people around me, they’re safe. They’re unaffected by this storm I’ve created. And maybe that’s the way it should be. I should have offered that privilege to them—to remain untouched, to stay free of the burden I’ve placed on my own shoulders. But I didn’t. I didn’t give them that choice. I chose to carry it alone, thinking that somehow, I could handle it. But in doing so, I’ve trapped myself in this silent, endless struggle.

All the regret, all the emotions—those are mine to bear. No one else has to feel this. It’s like being submerged in a deep, dark sea. It’s a place where the world feels distant, where the light barely reaches. It’s a place of isolation, where nobody truly understands what it feels like to be in your shoes. Nobody can feel what’s happening inside of me. And nobody needs to.

I’ve learned to live with this burden, to accept that maybe, nobody will ever understand. The sea is stagnant. Time passes, but the water doesn’t move. And neither do I. I feel stuck in this place, paralyzed by the weight of my own emotions. Every day feels like a lifetime, each wave of regret pulling me deeper into the water. And I wonder, will I ever escape this? Will the sea ever calm? Or will I remain here forever, struggling against the tide I created?

But still, there’s a part of me that knows this isn’t the end. That this sea, this storm—it won’t last forever. Even though it feels like I’m drowning, I also know that I’m still here. I’m still breathing. And maybe, just maybe, this deep, dark sea is not the end of the story. Maybe it’s just the beginning of something else—a journey, a transformation I haven’t yet understood.

For now, though, I remain in the stillness, in the silence, in the depths of the sea I’ve created. But one day, I’ll find a way to rise above it. I’ll find my way out.