In the beginning...

Aloha.

If you found yourself here, I would like to say, you must be incredibly bored. The title is boring and the subtitle makes it even NOT worth clicking. But... here you are. Wasting your time with my time-wasting hobby. You must be wondering, "Why is this person badgering his or herself?" If you clicked away then good for you. If you are still here, then good luck. Now, going back to the ones that left... I feel so darn stupid because how would they know that I said "Good for you"? Well, good luck to them anyway. And YOU, why are you still here?

This morning, I woke up at around 8 a.m. like I usually do. I brushed my teeth, ate brunch, and spent 4 and a half hours playing scrabble on my phone with my husband and friends. It's funny how phone apps can easily take over your life after you click on that one random ad while watching people make a fool of themselves online. It's like, it looks enticing but I shouldn't because Mark from I.T. said that it is more likely a scam. Well, who listens to Mark anyway? YOLO, bitch. It turns out that it wasn't a scam and after the first game, I was hooked! I've been playing for weeks now unable to put down my phone. I even play while showering! Now that is talent.

The reason why I'm telling you my very interesting story is that, well, you'll find out soon enough.

I decided to write my memoir now while I still have time because, as they say, you will never know when you die. What if I die tomorrow from a car crash? What if I die later tonight from a heart attack while sleeping? What if I die right now while starting my memoir? Well, for the very least I wrote something. I would totally be in a prestigious elite group who wrote their memoirs before they died. Unfortunately, mine would just be a page or two long. But, you know, it will totally rock still because after they read my super interesting intro, I could definitely adlib the rest. I might even throw a puppet show to get a few tips. Do they tip in the afterlife? Do I need to start over again like build up my resume and go to college to get a better job? What if I'm not as talented in the afterlife? I'M GONNA BE A BUM... What a BUMmer.

I am not a a good reader. You might be thinking, "If this author could write this much, they must be an avid reader." Pump the breaks there pal, I'm not. I used to be a reader, but then I met my arch nemesis: myself. Like you and all the people you know, I suffer from a myriad of mental illnesses. Maybe this book will highlight all my mental illnesses by chapters like the DSM V. You'll see. For now, just enjoy the fact that you're reading a book from a self proclaimed imposter. Yes, you heard that right, imposter. Wait, did I just say "You heard that right"? I hope you're not listening to my mind speak while I write this because that would be creepy. I say 'imposter' because I tend to over-doubt myself. Every single movement that my mind and body make is criticized by a tiny, evil motherfucker who lives deep inside my brain. Some will say that it is the devil because the devil is an accuser. I think, if that's the case, then we are all devils. That thing inside your brain telling you that you're not good enough or that it's your fault is none other than yourFUCKINGself. Sad, but true.

My intention is to create a community of open-mindedness. A community who interrogates their own little devil inside and asking it "Who hurt you, boo-boo?" At the end of the day, it all comes down to circumstance. I am not going to tell you that there is a 'one size cures all' pill. It is about accepting your situation and then finding your crutches/wheelchair/hoverboard/vespa/scooter to help you walk again. Instead of saying "Make America great again", why don't we say, "Hold my earrings, I'm gonna kick my own ass"? If you don't wear earrings then shit, you're out of luck. Imagine. If we all kicked our own asses right now at the same time, we might find the solution that we have been searching for. A solution for your broken marriage or maybe a solution to poverty. Hmm.. maybe a solution to the biggest question of all: Why is life so unfair?

My name is Leilani Lockhoff-Thomas and this is my story. At this point, if you think that you should read up on how I managed to survive so far, then you resonated with the shit show I call life. If you were a skeptic and still made it this far, welcome and thank you for coming. You are about to enter a crazy theme park. May the whatever be ever in your whatever... or something like that. I am an Asian American who grew up both in the islands of the Philippines and California. "That's not possible", one would say, but I say it most definitely is. It was half and half. Half of my childhood was in Asia and half was in the un-United States of America. I am conditioned in both cultures. Did I just realized that I'm interesting? Score! Just kidding, we are all interesting. Like how some people have total control of their tongue and can make it wiggle like an octopus' tentacle. Like, ew, but then "WOW!" I wish I can do that. As a child, I was always teased for being dark-skinned. Filipinos have this racist trait that if you're dark, you must be uneducated and poor. Oh wait, that's the whole fucking world. My geography and history teachers have some explaining to do. The 'caste' system is prominent in every country. Why? Because we're us. Hmm.. I'm pretty sure you've noticed my high standards in grammar so far and I intend to stick with it. I think it's charming. Anywhore... I really think that we are all so full of ourselves and obsessed with being different and unique. We have put up tall and thick-ass walls that we have lost our humanity. We will go more in-depth about that later on. Let's go back to me. Oh shit, did I just come off as self-obsessed? Sorry, not sorry.

I have two sisters and a brother. I am also the youngest. Shout out to all you people who got told that your oldest sister then your second oldest sister then your older brother's Power Ranger shirt looks good on you and that you should be lucky because there are children who don't even have clothes. Well, parent of mine, I think you're just bullshitting maybe because you're too lazy to take me clothes shopping because at this point I don't care about brands and I will be happy with a shirt from the Dollar Tree. Wait, do they sell shirts at the Dollar Tree? Let me check... yes they do! I stand with my previous feelings. It's funny how these 'guilt trip' statements bred a generation built from lies and deceit. But, you know, no one knew better and no one still knows better. When I moved to the U.S., I suffered from a condition called over-enthusiasm. Oh, you've heard of it? Well good for fucking you. Ew. Did I just say that? From now on, I, Leilani, will never use that term as it sounds too dirty and may lead to embarrassment because who says "Good for, fucking you"? Blegh! Cringe. I was very enthusiastic about living in the United States because I thought would finally be interesting. I would now stand out because back in the Philippines, I only stood out for being dark and weird (Shout out to the haters, woohoo!). I was so enthusiastic that I basically embarrassed myself in this new life. I tried so hard to fit in while being the odd one out and it backfired. I thought to myself, "I erased the bad memories from Asia, and now that I've stained my shiny and brand new life in the U.S., I must move to Europe." Of course I could not just up and leave. I'm gutsy, but not that gutsy. The only time where I thought that I leveled up my "gutsiness" was when I decided to join the military. I thought I was the shit. Wait, pause! Why do we say "I'm the shit"? Who made that shit popular? I don't want to be the shit..."Wait, Lei-Lei, it does not mean literal shit. That would be disgusting". Umm, you tell me, I still think its gross. Guess I will be adding that to the phrases that I will no longer use. The military has taught me many things but, those things only applied in the military culture. These were positive things like the meaning of the phrase 'I got your back'. It has so much weight to it that it can punch a hole through the ground and through the Earth itself. I know you're probably saying, "There are backstabbers anywhere... even in the military". Agreed, but once you've been a part of it, you will never truly know the feeling that I felt from the moment I realized that someone's 'got me'. Fast forward to recent times, I am currently unemployed. Ha, plot-twist! I am not the 'unemployed' you're thinking but, there's nothing wrong with the other meaning of unemployed either. Who am I to judge? Well, I do judge, but I quickly slap my mind's face for judging. I am currently going to school full time, but then I am also unemployed because it is hard for me to get a job right now due to the conditions I developed while I was in the military. I mean, I agree, who would hire this lunatic? You must be pretty balls-y to hire this hurricane of a personality.

Ahh... still here? You must be unemployed like me because who would torture themselves reading this? Woah, Bessy. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. I am perfectly comfortable saying that I am suicidal when I am feeling suicidal. Am I saying 'suicidal' too much? Now before you get mad at me and start throwing boulders attached with death threats at my house, I want you to know that I am as passionate as you when it comes to this topic. Heck, I have had thoughts myself. But why? Why do we pour energy in formulating these thoughts? I think I have a pretty good idea: behavioral conditioning. We are conditioned to reacting certain ways because we taught ourselves to be this way. And by we, I mean we as a species. It is not anyone's fault. We are designed to paint a fucked up but awe-inspiring painting of our lives. I think humor was created as a self-regulating drug to numb how fucked up we are. I think that with humor, we can freely explore sides to ourselves that are usually suppressed by our own laws because without these laws, there will be disorder and if there is disorder then we are bound to be doomed. What if, hear me out, we are all doomed already? "We have been doomed from the start", as they say. I think its funny that we are in constant search of finding who is at fault why we are miserable. It's such a tragic trait, but, I accept it. I also accept that I live "fucked-up-ly" in this fucked up world. It is like a movie without a director. Every actor has to adlib and hope that the audience will like it. But you know what's fucked up too? It's the hysterical realization that we are also the audience to this movie. We have wasted the limited film we have trying to find the culprit why we suffer that at the end of our movie, we got nothing to show for but just whined the whole time. What happens when we focus on 'accusing' (You know, the devil inside)? The spotlight shines on us, but the problem is there is only one big spotlight and in while in the spotlight, we do our best barricading others because it's your turn. What ever happened to "It's our turn"? Well, that's why it's called a fucked up world. In my opinion, I think it is best to just leave the spotlight alone and just accept that there will be this type of person and that type of person; there will be a natural cause and a man-made cause; there will be a God (whatever version); there will be science; there will be Democrats; there will be Republicans; there are true good-natured people who are just living their best life; and there will always be a contradiction to that. Additionally, a good person could unknowingly turn themself bad and vice versa. Circle of life... blah, blah, blah. There is nothing we can do about it. Yes, we can start a movement to fight for our rights. Yes, these things matter and we have proven to ourselves that our motivations to revolt against our oppressors result to good change. But you know, it is very hard to change when you're not even close to being ready and there are only a few of us who could genuinely say that. Why? Because there's so much on the line: fear of retaliation, fear of losing security, fear of heights... Wait, I'm sure one of those is odd... Oh, that's right, feel of retaliation. Unless we learn to harness the notion of "Hey, you have the spotlight, let me RESPECT your turn and hear you out", then history is bound to repeat itself. I think it is clear to us that people nowadays do not let each other speak their minds without threatening each other with fear. We blur each other's big picture out and ultra-focus on the "you-did-its and you-did-thats" and neglect the fact that we've dropped parts of our humanity for the sake of being right. Although, I think we already have the tools we need to overcome the pain we afflicted onto ourselves and each other. We just need to put down the current tool we're using because that shit's worn out and The Home Depot doesn't sell that.

This is a good spot to take a break. I just want to say how grateful I am that you made it to the end of this intro. You might have mixed feelings towards my views (that's what my inner devil said), but I called my brain and it said that we're fresh out of fucks. Just remember, if you get angry, pick up the phone, dial your own number, and tell yourself, "Hey bitch, hang on, the spotlights not on you yet. Wait your turn."

Mahalo,

Lei-Lei