I Resign, Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

I resign. No, you don't get to use your huffy red face at me and say that I can't resign because you are firing me. I SAID IT FIRST. I resign. Your budget decisions are going to ruin EVERYTHING I worked so hard on. You wanted savings, and we got you savings. Now your Big Boob Bill is undoing it all.

No, now you just wait right there. Hold on. You can't fire me. I SAID THAT I RESIGN! 

You couldn't even be nice to X, Mr. President. No, it was not "Bring Your Kid to Work Day." However, I can take him anywhere I am working. He is as smart as I am. He even said it was a good decision to resign. 

All those hackers I installed in the government agencies were doing wonders until you pushed the House to get that dumbass expensive bill passed. Just because they named it what you wanted. You are so superficial! 

Trillions of dollars in the budget will wipe out the savings I found. How do you expect to accomplish our goals when you undermine me, your largest campaign contributor? 

I was your knight in shining armor. I got you elected and agreed to be your guy. I didn't volunteer to be your whipping boy! I was going to break and reconstruct the government. And all was going well until you poked your tiny fingers into the pot. Yes! That's right! I said tiny fingers, Mr. President.

It was so much better when you kept going back and forth to MarALago and staying out of my hair. Now you have that asshole Bessent running around calling me names. You haven't said anything about or tried to stop him. Bessent should be the one to resign. 

I resign from being the punching bag for you to blame your mistakes on. I resign from having to be in this swamplike, muggy DC climate. I may have gotten you elected with my money, but that's because everyone thought you would run this country like a business. Unfortunately, the public is too stupid to see that you are mostly a failed businessman, UNLIKE me! Tesla and SpaceX are gems for the world!

NO! You sit there and listen to me, you tiny-hand tyrant. You think you are a mafia boss, but I am not afraid! Remember, you can't fire me; I just resigned. Everyone knows you don't fire anyone; you always send someone else to do your dirty work.

I don't need anything from you – not an office or a title. I have more money than you can ever hope to dream about! I resign from seeing your fake orange-tanned face and listening to your clomping feet and nasty remarks. It was funny before, but now I resign. 

Oh! So you want to call me a name? I'll give you a name, King of the World. Hold on, Donald; that's my name, not yours. Remember who holds the cards. It's me. He who has the most money has the most toys and wins. I have SpaceX, and I can turn that technology toward you for good or toward you for, let's just say, more vivid results! 

Keep your insults; they blow right over me, like your fetid breath and other bodily odors. I resign because being near you is unpleasant – I didn't believe the rumors, but you know the saying, you had to see it to believe it. Well, I've seen and smelled it. 

I resign. Effective – as soon as I read this aloud in a press conference. No amount of offers from you will make me stay. I resign because I cannot work with your idiot Cabinet or you. How did you pick all these people? I gave you the most money and paid people to vote. Then, I work hard to find savings without pay. Of course, I don't need the pay, but none of those clowns are qualified. What did they do for you to get hired? It must have been something special.

Do you think I'm stupid, Donald? I knew you would try to blame me. Ultimately, it all sits on your orange head, and I'm not talking about a crown. All was well when you stayed out of my way and allowed me to wreak my savvy havoc. You want credit for all MY moves, but I won't allow it. I don't care if you have the title of President. The Office is actually mine. I bought it - I got it for you, and I'm the power behind it. 

I thought you'd get to go to Mars with me, Mr. President, but you've screwed everything up. I will never allow you on my rocket ship. You've gone and screwed it all up by pushing the House to pass this bill which will add trillions of dollars to the debt. It's really idiotic. And all of you say over and over how everything will be fine; there just will be a little bit of pain for a while. Well, you know what, Donald? I can take much more pain than any of the Cabinet or you because I have more money than anybody. I can outlast all of you. Oh, no, don't go there with me! You're not going to be President forever. Nope, I have more money than you'll ever hope to have, and I can get anyone I want elected. I'm already out there searching for that person. No, no, don't beg, Mr. President. I resign. I've had enough of you.

I resign.

Exceptional Government Employee (really pseudo POTUS),

Elon Musk

Copyright © 5/30/25 by Andrea O. Corwin

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