I Quit!

I've been struggling to get help - either because people don't want to help or don't know how to help.

So, at the height of my emotional distress... I thought about quitting.

I could quit on my house. Sell it - who cares what stays or goes anymore?

I could quit on my dream of being an author. Who cares what I have to say anyway...

I could quit on myself. Nothing that I do is good enough anyway!

And everything that makes me happy? Has been twisted and painted into the very reason that I couldn't keep my man or into another way that I, as myself, am viewed as the problem.

That thought lingered. But how could I erase what I am—without more pain, more risk?

So instead, I decided that the best option was quitting on who I am. My identity could merely be changed - crafted and redefined into something completely separate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can quit being the stable one:

• I could start drinking every night. Who cares what we once agreed about alcohol? It's just another thing that doesn’t really matter, right?
• I could stop the speech practice. Skip the therapy routines. They’re just more things eating up my time, right?
• I can quit paying the mortgage and the utilities... that money could go so many different places... just move in with my mom...
• I can stop caring who I let hang out with me when parenting my kiddos. Let them get used to chaos—after all, people hate me for trying to shield them from that unpredictability.
• I can quit doing Bible stuff on Sabbaths.
• I can quit homeschooling the kids and just tell them to - what was it? - oh yeah, "Buck up buttercup." and "Stop being such a pansy."
• I can quit doing all the insurance paperwork. He doesn’t value it anyway. Just thinks it’s nonsense he can ignore. Maybe I should just chill and let him do it all his way... I mean, why would kid's need insurance anyway, right?!

But... to do all of that? I need to quit being who I am: a kind, caring, passionate, loving mother.

Let me shut it all off. No more guilt. Just a numb, robotic shell of cold logic.

Let me walk away.

Away from kids who I am not trusted to care about.

From a role I’m not going to ever be allowed to fill without being twisted into a evil villain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why keep trying to align with what we once agreed on?

My help is seen as manipulation.

My questions, as threats.

My care, as the problem.

It makes sense - quitting on who I am - if it stops the pain and silences the chaos.

It will devastate a few people, yes... but don't the needs and desires of the many outweigh the wishes of the few who truly love me?

Everyone says kids need both parents - that is, until my presence becomes inconvenient to have to accommodate.

Because, in my "reality," my rights? Ehh... who cares what the mom wants or may need. If she can't figure it out, then maybe the dad is the better parent to have the kids and we will just help him out by ignoring inconvenient history....

Only thing is? That the mom is the one who continues to teach children what real love is.

Because truly loving hurts like hell - that very few people can tolerate the pain of doing.

Love means doing the right thing even when it might be twisted into making you look bad.

Love means that I still try to help their father - even when he despises everything about the real me.

Love is crying myself to sleep after being told how lucky I am that he "lets" our kids call to say goodnight.

Love is resisting the urge to withhold calls to him and match his cruel thought - because that would be so very wrong.

Love is encouraging the children to reach out to him, even while I feel like I’m bleeding inside...

...even when he tells me how horrible I am...

...even when he mocks my thoughts, my mind, my heart, my faith, my intellect.

Love means that I cannot quit.

But I really wish that I could just quit feeling...

And I could.

Because there is a bottle on the shelf that could end this - all of it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yet, it stays on the shelf until the day comes when I have given up on ever not hurting - and then? Then I will kill off who I am and let out the side of me that so many hate to have to deal with.

You thought that I was a bitch before?

Just wait until I feel nothing.

Everyone should be thankful that I’ve had enough grit to not to quit being myself - even as it tears my heart into a million pieces and I wonder if I will be able to stop from bleeding out this time.

But hey, at least when he knows that I am hurting, he treats our kids better.

So, I will simply quit feeding him the truth about how happy I may be deep inside with plans that he will never get to know about because they are... all me... everything he always hated inside of me.

I can be free in ways that he will never be able to take away from me, but he will never be free to be truly happy with the dark hatred that seems to be deep and festering in his soul.

So, I guess I am glad to not quit being who I am. *smile*

I will not quit being more and more like myself. I will not quit in order to dim my light for other's benefit.

When no one really understands my depth of emotions, that is not my fault.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am quitting:

• quitting being silent
• quitting being a doormat
• quitting being scared to be happy
• quitting expecting anyone to not disappoint me
• quitting letting other's nonsensical opinions bother me.

I am quitting allowing people to twist my schizophrenia into unbelief of my "reality" when it isn't their field of expertise.

I am also quitting hiding my autism or being afraid of it being used against me.

I have history to speak for itself. It explains why I was able to be convinced of a terrible definition of being hit. It explains why I lose my voice. It explains why I have sensory issues that are still mocked in front of the very kids that take after me. It explains why I care so deeply, but don't always "show it."

Having autism does not make me stupid. It does not mean I have a low IQ.

It makes me literal. It makes me stable through my routines.

It makes me a damn prepared parent - because my kids are one of my special interests.

When given the right support? I can explain anything to anyone.

Even if I have to put my thoughts through ChatGPT to dumb them down enough for certain non-disabled people to comprehend.... *wink*

So the only thing that I am really quitting?

Is being dishonest with myself - for other people's comfort.

I am quitting the urge to kill who I am to give anyone else the satisfaction of winning whatever pathetic little game they are playing against me.

I am quitting holding back.

Be careful who you think I am...

because ya ain't seen nothin' yet!

Love will always win in the end.