I'm Right Sorry

Dear Bossman,

I know I ain’t got much good in my noggin, and what’s there is rattlin’ around. I got a coupla questions on your after-work program since I’m gonna bin dun workin’ here soon with baby #7 and I canna lift anythin’ heavier than a bag o’ flour or I’ll drop the little’un outta my vajayjay. We’s got a lot o’ sitiations righ now. my old man just got outta the hopsital on account of the shingles, and he done had plenty o’ problems with the IB. The dang nurses couldn’t get that needle in right. They done tore up his arms trying to find them there veins. Can your after-work porgram gonna help find nurses how do a IB rite?

I sure hope you can help me or my old man David-Bob get another job, to. Since junior’s still in the big house and junior-junior is on the lam, David-Bob’s been all alone an’ I reckon he could use sompin like a new job. One of us gotta bring home the bread now that the dum govner changed the dang rule on how we can get money without workin’ (David-Bob, not the govner). He’s tired of tinkerin’ on the old Ford out in the yard an’ drinkin Bud. Mebbe a real job will do him good. He’d be a right good cook or even a nurse. The other day, he done fixed up a cat that been chewed up by ol’ Dawg, and though he didn’t do no IB, the cat sure did look good when we buried it.

I hope the next job don’t scriminate on account of we don’t read none. David-Bob he a real nice man, he is. Plese let me know if he can take my ol’ job of moppin’ floors and cleanin’ tables. His probation ossifer is right curious, to, cuz David-Bob he ain’t had a real job for near 2 year now. He ustacould work- how wuz he sposed to know you ain’t allowed to have a shotgun right handy? Theres a lot of crazy ones out there, ya see, and he’s gotta protect us. At lease that’s what he told the ossifer.

I canna say I liked working hear. Crawling outta bed at five o’dark after a bender ain’t no fun, and especting me to be nice to people, well that ain’t fair. I know you tried, Mr. Bossman, but ya can’t make a rose outta a sandspur, know what I’m sayin’? I kinda got the impression that ya’ll didn’t ever take a shine to me anyhow. I got spiky edges and whatnot. And no one told me I had to use soap to clean. That ain’t on me. And how was I sposed to know that the glasses ya’ll have were real glasses? The ones we stole from Pizza Hut are plastic and they never broke.

The rats were prolly my fault. I’m right sorry ‘bout that. I left that back door open alot on account of the cooks fartin’ all the time. It was a godawful smell and the heat was crazy hot. I can’t see why those rats wanted that food anyway. the food I ate off the plates when I cleered the tables was downright nasty. It’s prolly better than what I can cook, but that ain’t here nor there. Ya’ll’s food ain’t fit for rats either. The dead ones stunk up the place. Sorry ‘bout saying that when the inspector guy was there.

About your after-work program – do you got one? Somethin’ like a snake thing – rattler, cottonmouth, cobra, something to help pay for the shingles drugs David-Bob gotta take. Dum govner making us work to get insurance. Bet he don’t pay for no insurance. I heard about a cut in pay – I think that’s what its called – when you get severed or somethin’ from a job. Mebbe that’s the same thing as a paycut, but anyhoo – do you have sumpin like that? A bunch o’ money you thro at someone to make them leave early or sumpin’? I mean I never been early in my life, but a little moolah would help out. I could pick stuff out of the dumpster again, but when I saw the dead rat, kinda didn’t wanna do that anymore.

I know I was hired on account of felling sorry for me, so I was thinking mebbe you can pass on a good word to other bossmen. I ain’t killed no one, and I’m right sorry ‘bout all that broken glass and the rats. David-Bob could come in, but don’t make fun o’ his face. The shingles left marks all up an’ down his skin and he’s still sore about that. David-Bob can’t do much, but he might can open the door for little ol’ ladies or hand out those paper menus. He’ll be right tired when the new baby come home and squawkin’ all night long. But he a good man.

Lemme know about the money thing. You wouldn’t notice a few bucks missing from the till, right?

Sinseerly,

Barb