I'm Just Lazy

To Society At Large:

I'm throwing in the towel. I'm cashing in my chips. I'm letting the proverbial cat out of the proverbial bag. I'm finally just owning it: I’m an overall lazy person.

I aim to get by in life by doing as little work as possible. I don't have lofty aspirations for fame or money. I gravitate to jobs that don't require too much of me in terms of responsibility or stress. I turn down opportunities for potential advancement because I don't want my job to take anything from me other than my required 40 hours a week. If it were possible to work even less and make ends meet, I would do that without hesitation. Nothing makes me happier than a completely empty day on my schedule with absolutely no commitments.

I take maybe 5 minutes to get dressed in the morning and get out the door- I cut corners with cleaning and hygiene wherever I can, doing the minimum to be presentable and you know, smell okay. Physically, I am very sedentary in my free time. I don't like exercise or sports. I don't mean to brag, but I can sit in one place for hours.

I'm socially lazy too. I have a few close friends I see now and again. I don't like entering relationships that take a lot of work to maintain, and I'm not interested in expanding my social circle. Friendships take work, and I am, in a general sense, pretty work-averse.

Throughout my life, it’s probably this part of my nature for which I’ve been most often shamed. So I’ve tried to hide it in the past. I’ve worked harder than I thought made sense at things I didn’t care about. I’ve invented lofty goals to cover up my lack of them. And that is my reason for writing to you today.

It has come to my attention only recently in my 36 years that maybe the attribute entitled 'laziness' has been unfairly maligned. When we call someone lazy, we are typically making a value judgment on their character or worth as a person, and it's never a positive one. But why?

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The word lazy is defined simply as meaning "unwilling to work or to use energy."

Laziness is often equated to apathy, when they are two different things. To be apathetic is to lack care on a deep level for anything. I care about things, I'm just selective about it. In fact, a lot of my reluctance to expend energy comes from my desire to spend more meaningful time on the things I DO care about.

Often, being lazy is also seen as synonymous with being irresponsible, but this also isn't fair. I'm plenty responsible. I care about showing up for the things I choose to commit to- I'm actually pretty hard on myself about it- and that's precisely why I'll pass on committing to most things in the first place. I'm stingy with my energy, is what this all comes down to. And what's wrong with that?

Now, I can already anticipate your objections, so I’m just going to address all the tired shit I’ve heard all my life and be done with it:

"You're not performing to the best of your ability!" Thanks, genius, I know. That’s intentional. Most things just aren't worth my 100%, Susan.

"Whatever you do, you should give it your all." Again, no thanks. I have PRIORITIES, Kevin. I have to strongly disagree with the idea that I'm somehow squandering something precious by not spreading myself thin at every opportunity. The most precious thing of all is time, and wasting mine on appearing to be your idea of successful is not the vibe, as the kids say.

"Lazy people aren't successful". Well, this is awkward, Margaret, because here we have a dangling adjective. Successful at WHAT? Do you mean rich? Because lazy people have and do make a lot of money- have you seen some of the lucky 'influencers' and young viral sensations who make money while they sleep? Even if you mean rich, that's not true. Isn't the true meaning of success just setting out to achieve an objective and doing so? For example, my objective for this afternoon is to sit on my porch and smoke a cigar while I read the newest release by Stephen King. My objective in arranging my schedule is to make enough money to take care of all my needs and some of my wants while having as much free time as possible to sit and stare at the wall. My success rate so far is astronomical, thanks.

"You have no ambition/initiative." Here's the thing. Motivation arrives when the balance tips in favor of the benefits of a particular action outweighing the deterrents. If I don't personally deem something worth it, you're damn straight I'm not going to have any initiative. You know what I'd call having constant initiative? Being stupid. So no thanks. I'm not going to get on the treadmill to nowhere just so when a relative asks me if I'm still at the same job in That Tone (you know the one) I can say 'ACTUALLY, Uncle Pedro...'

If I’m coming on a little aggressive, it’s because you've made me feel shitty about this for so long. From birth, we're all blasted with subliminal- and not-so-subliminal- messaging about how the further you can stuff your resume with achievements and accolades, the harder-working you are, the more value you have as a person. Quantity is praised over quality. The great and mighty "Hustle" is placed on a pedestal, and now we have a plethora of side hustles nipping at its heels. I know a lot of this is in honor of the pursuit of capitalism, but don't you think it's a little much? Aren't you coming on a little strong?

In the end, I was born with only a set amount of energy. I'm like a car with perpetually low gas or maybe just a smaller engine. I've got to be smart about how I utilize that gas. My laziness is a type of economical corner-cutting, an adaptation for survival in this world. You could make the argument that being lazy is actually a virtue, but, magnanimous as I am, I won't make you concede that much.

Maybe it's not that I don't go after what I want, maybe it's that I want a lot less than you do. Maybe it’s easier for me to be satisfied, content. And you know what? I think y’all are jealous. You heard me.

Laziness is an attribute that has been unfairly maligned. Just like some people naturally tend to gravitate towards constant activity, there are some of us who tend towards standing still whenever possible. There's nothing inherently wrong with one or the other, but the first is typically lauded as a virtue while the second is seen as a character flaw. Rude, quite frankly.

So anyway, this has gone on way too long, I quit, yada yada. I herewith tender my resignation from giving a single fuck.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to bed.

Sincerely,

Raist