I'm 20 Years Old. What Should I Do?

Hi everyone, introduce me Amelia. Well, my name is Amelia. My second nickname haha. Of course, I have a main name which they usually call me Nadia. Maybe other people make articles, but me? I just want to tell a story. Because I didn't have any friends, they all left me. It's like I wasn't a good friend to them, even though I tried my best to be the best friend. I know, I failed. Everything I do, everything fails. I always make mistakes. Starting from my parents, my brother, my friends, and my own boyfriend. I'm only 20 years old, who would have thought it would be this fast? I didn't expect it to be this fast.

What do other people usually do when they turn 20?

Are they successful with their jobs? Are they in college? Are they focused on work? Are they in love? Or are they trying to pursue their life goals and aspirations and succeeding? What I was wondering was “What should I do?” I was confused, I had no purpose. I was also afraid of being ostracized just because I couldn't get ahead like them. To be honest, I didn't like my life being so flat. Is there anyone like me? I really hate myself for being like this. I should have continued my studies, but why couldn't I? What else could I do? I had to take a leave of absence. Because my family's financial condition is very declining. Sorry, if the sentence arrangement is not good & not understandable. I can only use Google Translate. At least I'm a little relieved to be able to tell you. Even though you don't know me, and I don't know you. Just once, I want to feel what it's like to have a lot of friends? Friends who care so much? I'm very grateful if you've read my story.

I've been thinking from 19 years old to 20 years old. I really didn't know what to do. I thought, if my life is always like this, is there no other way but to die? I had given up, at my very young age. But wouldn't that be a waste too? I know, other people don't care if I just die. All they do is gossip and spread news that sometimes always doesn't match the facts. I don't understand, why would they go that far?

To survive?

What do I have to do to survive? If making life difficult for my parents is like this, why not just die? That's right. I was desperate. Even when I graduated from school, I didn't have anything to look forward to. In the end, I decided to go to college but it didn't go as I expected. Actually too, I just wanted to get revenge on my ex-boyfriend who had dumped me during my school days. I'm not great, I suck. Just like what they thought of me. But I want to change, I want to rise. Hahahah, after seeing me in my current state. What did they think of me huh?

What do you guys think? They must just be laughing at me right. They're happy that my condition is getting worse as expected. Is that right? Please help me to face this difficult time. I know, you don't care. But please just once, I need help to thrive. I want to be appreciated, I want to be loved, and I don't want to be hated for no reason. Hahah what am I doing now? It's pointless isn't it? Even when I feel like I'm falling into the abyss, my friends don't care about me. If they're busy, doesn't that mean they don't have free time? Even if it's just for a minute, I'm very happy. If they think that spending a little time with me is just a waste of time? Well, I understand that. :)

I often question myself about blame. From my childhood, I was always blamed. Looking back, I actually don't want to remember it. But what can I do, because I'm telling you a story so that you know what my life was like as a child which was very suffocating. I was 7 years old at the time. I was introverted, but I tried to talk to strangers. Because I wanted to make friends, I just wanted to make friends. My parents knew me as a cheerful child. I admit, that's true but after leaving that school. I spoke less and less, even smiling less and less. I was happy at first, making new friends and getting along. But who would have thought? It made me lose myself. I was once blamed in front of many people because I didn't perform in a play, when I was supposed to perform with my friend as the class representative. But why was it only me who was blamed? Why just me? What about my friend? I should have realized something was wrong at that time. It was my friend who complained to my art teacher that I didn't want to perform. Hahahah I was actually looking forward to performing with my friend. but why... like that? I can perform alone without my friends. Don't just blame them after the show is over. I'm also disappointed with my art teacher, isn't it his responsibility to train me too?

I want to continue to tell you more, why am I so lazy to remember? I have to tell you until I feel relieved. All this time, I could only keep it bottled up. Thank you for reading my story ^^